12:00pm-12:13pm – We begin with Cole identifying Starbuck’s corpse. He looks sad. Oh, that’s a shame. Jack is watching Dana’s video evidence – inside a freakin’ cab of all places – and makes a call to Mr. Blond. Blond is receiving the video, and may be singing “Stuck in the Middle with You.”

Meanwhile, Jason Pillar is barking orders to everyone at CTU, and Chloe is becoming Frowny McSmirkface. She goes to Arlo with her concerns, and Arlo (as usual) goes into full puss-aah mode.

Jack arrives at Mr. Blond’s and explains his motivations for the kill-fest. Motivations that revolve around Agent RedHot. Revenge is on his mind, and he does not plan to serve it cold. Blond gives Jack the ID of RedHot’s shooter, and Jack searches for him through . . . Meredith Reed? Good Lord, I thought she was long gone. Jack goes Deep Throat with Reed (heh) and says he can give her the video evidence. I don’t trust the bitch.

Chico, Jr arrives at CTU and gets grilled by Jason Pillar. Chico, for his part, tells Pillar to go frak himself. I guess he retrieved his balls when Starbuck was aired out.

12:18pm-12:26pm – Maury Povovich and Charles Logan are listening to Bauer’s call to Reed. Logan is not amused, but manages a smirk when Jason tells him that they plan to eliminate Jack. Chloe calls over Arlo and again makes her case to the techno-idiot. Amazingly, it gets through the first few layers of Arlo’s skull. It’s a Christmas miracle! Chloe goes into holding to see Cole, and finds out his balls are gone again. Chico is mourning Starbuck for some reason, but finally relents and tells Frowny that Jack has a contact in the city. Wow, great intel there, Chico. (Idiot.)

Logan calls Pavel the Assassin and demands an update. Jack and Meredith have not arrived yet, but Logan gives Pavel the green light to take them both out. That can’t be good . . . for Pavel.

12:30pm-12:36pm – President Cankles and Hottie Hassan are continuing peace talk deliberations when Cankles receives a visit from Logan. Logan claims that Bauer has the evidence and is about to be captured. As a result, Logan wants his pat on the back for all of the terrific work he has done. Cankles grudgingly agrees.

Reed arrives at the meet with Bauer and all eyes are on her. Jack arrives and starts to elude the spotters. Pavel eyes him up, and BAM! Mr. Blonde puts a gun to Pavel’s head. Jack grabs Meredith and gets her to safety. The spotters move in on Jack . . . only to get taken out. Jack puts four spotters down, and back at CTU, Jason’s bimbo asks, “What the Hell just happened?”

JACK F**KING BAUER JUST HAPPENED, LADY!

Mr. Blond has Pavel at gunpoint, and the four of them leave the meet unscathed.

12:40pm-12:47pm – Logan is picking out power ties when Jason calls. Pavel’s team? Dead. Pavel? Captured. Logan? Soiled pants. Logan is having a freak out, and I am doing everything I can to type while giggling. Logan calms down long enough to tell Jason to find and destroy Bauer.

Chloe and Arlo are searching for Mr. Blond, and Jack is leading Blond, Meredith, and Pavel to hiss underground lair. Really, Jack, while you’re there you should try and touch the goodies. Just sayin’. Meredith freaks out because she feels “used.” Jack doesn’t seem to mind, and he gives Meredith the evidence. And now, on to Pavel. This is going to be good.

Jack ties Pavel up and tells him that RedHot was killed with a rifle just like Pavel’s. Pavel’s response? “Go to Hell.” Bad move . . . and commercial.

12:51pm-1:00pm – Viewer Discretion Advised warning at the end of the commercial break. Sweet! Meredith is viewing the evidence while Jack is having intense negotiations with Pavel. Intense negotiations include pliers to the chest. The ultimate titty twister. Pavel calls RedHot a bitch, and Jack goes nuts. Good for him.

Jason arrives at the shooting scene and cries jurisdiction. He also tells the NYPD that they are looking for Jack Bauer – and that they should shoot on sight.

Jack returns to a bloody Pavel and pulls lout a knife. He gives him a few jabs with the knife but Pavel is holding strong. Dumb. Jack squirts what looks like lighter fluid into Pavel’s wounds. I’ll bet that’ll leave a mark. OH SNAP, JACK IS GOING FOR THE BLOWTORCH!!!

And we have a burning sensation!!! And more burning!!!

Jack goes for Pavel’s cellphone but it doesn’t have the sim card. Jack, realizing Pavel swallowed it, guts him with the knife and pulls the card out of his stomach. That’s hard core, my friends!

Jack inserts the card into the phone and dials the last number. It reaches Logan’s voice mail. Damn.

Aaaaand . . . clock!

3:00am-3:11am – We’re back in CTU, and Hastings is briefing everyone on the RODS. Chloe suggests that Dana coordinate the inter-agency communications, and Arlo gets bent about the chain of command. He wonders who he reports to, and Chloe pours him a tall. cool glass of STFU.

Meanwhile, Kalya is still locked in the bathroom, reeking of sweat and shame. Samir Merhan calls SG1′s cellphone and tells him that Marco painted the pressure chamber with his brains. SG1 starts to freak, and demands that Kayla – who is trying to go out the window – get out of the bathroom. Jack belittles the NYPD sergeant, who doesn’t take too kindly to that, so we may see a pissing match in a few minutes. Of course, there may have been a reason for the belittlement, since a member of the SWAT team was just seen by SG1.

The SWAT sergeant finds out that SG1 is moving and inserts his team against Jack’s orders. Bad idea, as SG1 takes out three SWAT officers. SG1 claims he is one of the downed officers (Faulkner) and tries to lead CTU and SWAT away from his location. SG1 drags Kayla down the stairs, exits the building and is stopped by two SWAT officers. Unfortunately for them, a cab pulls up, the driver steps out and shoots the officers. SG1, Kayla, and Crazy Cabbie speed away.

CTU tracks the cab to an underpass – which sure looks like a tunnel to me – and in an incredibly stupid and reckless act – Jack pulls his vehicle right up to the cab. Um, if they are considered armed, why would you pull directly in front of them? Crazy Cabbie and SG1 could have shot them where they stood. Not that it matters, because the cab is emptier than a theater showing Green Zone. Crazy Cabbie, SG1, and Kayla escape, and Jack doesn’t have the guts to give us a DAMMIT! for the Kill Counter.

Samir calls his nuke techie and says the rods are enroute. The techie appears to be crafting a detonator. Aaand . . . commercial.

3:15am-3:22am – Would anyone mind if I just skipped the Dana Walsh scenes? I really despise this character, and am starting to despise the actress, too. Starbuck meets with Milton, er, the probation officer about Kevin Wade. The probie shows Dana photos of Kevin and the GEICO Caveman. She admits to knowing Kevin but not to knowing the Caveman. Lies come pretty easy to Dana, and she is telling a few whoppers. She’s about as good at it as Katee Sackhoff is at acting. Milton knows about the police warehouse break-in and tells her he will wait until she has more time to talk. Swell. This terrible plotline isn’t going away anytime soon.

Jack and Chico, Jr. meet with President Hassan and his harpy wife. They insist upon setting up phone taps in the hopes of finding Kayla – you know, the gal they lost. Hassan agrees, and we cut to Kayla. She is tied to a chair in front of an Islamic flag. Unless you’re a 9-11 truther, you know where this is going. They will torture and kill Kayla until they get what they want from Hassan. Maybe SG1 can get some while the body’s still warm. Aaand . . . commercial.

3:27am-3:35am – Back at Hassan’s office, the phone rings, and Mrs. Hassan answers. It’s Samir, and he is sending the president an IP address. I think it’s supportyourlocalgunfighter.com. Well, either that or lolcats.com. Jack punches in the addy and everyone sees Kayla on Infidels Gone Wild. Samir puts a plastic bag over Kayla’s head, and demands to be given File 33 in fifteen minutes or Kayla will die. Apparently File 33 is chock full of classified documents containing operational details of U.S. defense systems.

Hassan explains his treachery by pulling a Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. American imperialism and threats, blah, blah, blah. CTU claims they have a location on Samir and Jack beats feet, but not before explaining that millions of New Yawkers are more important than one whorish daughter.

Speaking of whorish daughters, Kayla tries to get through to SG1. Apparently, she is really good in the sack, because SG1 is having second thoughts. I mean, why waste a good piece of ass, right?

KILL COUNTER UPDATE: Unless I missed something, we’re at another big, fat zero. And this was the “MUST SEE!” episode according to last week’s trailer. Hmm . . .

3:39am-3:47am – Ugh, Dana is back, and Milton is still snooping around. Now, maybe it’s just me, but if I saw some toad walking around my divisional HQ, I would have him arrested. Dana? Nah, she politely escorts him to a conference room, where Milton demands to see the records of the Dana’s surveillance interruption. Dana calls Chico, Jr and tells him the jig is up and she will give Milton the files. Let’s hope, because I so want to see this scrote off my damned TV screen.

Harpy and Hassan are impatiently waiting for Samir’s call. Kayla is trying to talk SG1 out of his murderous intentions, and again she succeeds. The two run away and out onto the street. After jumping into a car, one of Samir’s lackeys pulls him out before getting knocked down. A second later, Samir appears and puts a round into SG1, center mass. BAM! Kayla does the smart thing for once and speeds away in the car while leaving SG1 dead in the street. No Valentine’s Day gift for her.

3:51am-4:00am – Kayla calls CTU as she is driving through New York. Isn’t that against the law? Use your bluetooth, you stupid bint! Kayla gives Jack a description of where she was held, and Chloe finds it – an abandoned bank. Probably closed down by Obama’s policies. Heh. Jack’s team enter the bank – by shooting a window (no Kill Counter points there) – and sweep the building. Samir and his lackeys are still there, so maybe we’ll get a kill. Chloe sees Samir and his boys leaving the building and Jack pursues. CTU uses facial recognition on the terrorists, and sees SG1. Apparently, SG1′s prognosis has been upgraded from dead to very much alive.

Jack figures out that Kayla’s car is wired with an EMP (electromagnetic pulse) and it explodes inside the CTU tunnel. EMP will knock out any and all electronics in the area, so now CTU is effectively blind. Nice destruction scene, and Dana will apparently live to fight another day – her records would have been destroyed, too.

The really sad part, though? This week’s Kill Counter tallied another big, fat zero. Lame.

Considering the buildup they promised us last week, I expected much more. The EMP was pretty nice, but the rest? Eh, not so much. Hopefully, next week’s episode won’t disappoint. Thanks for reading.

And just as an aside, if there are any execs from TiVo in the audience, I just want to say you folks do good work – and I am available to be a paid spokesperson. Just sayin’. With that, let’s start the clock:

1:00am – 1:12am – We open the episode with Kayla, who has been awarded a conjugal quickie with her boy toy, aka Security Guard #1 (SG1). Being a vapid idiot, Kayla informs SG1 that she told President Wayne Newton about their romantic entanglement. Amazingly, it only made things worse. Duh, and or hello! What did you think your father would say when he found out the two of you were boinking, “Congratulations?” SG1 asks Kayla to come closer, but instead of hot bondage action, he tells her that he is planning to escape – with help from another security stooge. He wants her to meet him at the rendezvous point, and she nods in agreement.

Meanwhile, Chico, Jr is performing chest compressions on the corpse of Kevin Wade. Starbuck, master of the obvious, tells him that Kevin is now in White Trash Heaven – no, not New Jersey – and asks Chico to beat feet. To his credit, Chico, Jr refuses and pulls off his best Alonzo – asking her “You want to go to jail, or do you want to go home?” – and decides to wipe the van and dump the White Trash Twins in the swamp. Starbuck sheepishly agrees.

Back at CTU, Hastings is in a conference call with President Cankles and Weasly McChiefofstaff and tells them about Farhad’s defection. There is a lot of talk about “rod smuggling,” yet Johnny Weir is nowhere to be found. Cankles is on board with Jack’s rescue of Farhad, and hopes that the rods can be found quickly. Heh. Curiously, the terrorists holding the rods – heh – are believed to be affiliated with the IRK organization. Dude, really? IRK? Yeah, I hear they are very IRKsome.

Jack is enroute to Farhad with a Chevy Suburban full of red shirts. Someone warm up the Kill Counter, please! Bauer is pairing with the Pimply-Faced Teen, and you just know that his ticket will get punched tonight.

On the po’ side of town, President Wayne Newton meets with Cankles and tells him about the IRKs. He is playing hardball with the IRK files, but backs down when Cankles tells him that she will make his country glow if America is attacked.

Out on the road, SG1 is being transported to the embassy. Sure enough, he was given a handcuff key, and after unlocking himself – and pulling out his gun??? – he stops the vehicle and orders the guards out. Incredibly, SG1 had the car pulled over on the most deserted block in New York City – Times Square. Dude, at 1:10am, every street in NYC has at least a dozen people on it, for cripes’ sake! SG1 has the guards handcuff themselves in the back of the car, calls Kayla to tell her he loves her (gag), and runs to the rendezvous point. Literally. He runs!

1:17am – 1:25am – Hastings is at CTU and on the blower with Farhad. Farhad, being a whiny puss-aah, ignores Hastings’ advice to stay put and starts to walk . . . right into two rifle rounds! Yeah, that’s gonna leave a mark. Jack and the red shirts arrive to find Farhad leaking precious bodily fluids, then gets Chloe on the horn for some pictures of jIRKs. Jack is told that Farhad isn’t going to make it, and in true Bauer fashion, he orders the medic to stabilize him to look at the photos. “Sure, he’s gonna kick, but frak him. I need answers!” The medic gives Jack lip – bad move – and the two start shouting at each other. Not a “Dammit!” in the exchange, though. Dammit.

Back at the UN, Cisco gets a huge ad placement right before we get reacquainted with Wild Bill Guarnere, er, Tim Woods. Woods gives us the good news: if the rods are weaponized, Cankles is looking at thousands of registered voters dead and NYC will be uninhabitable for 40 years. Hell, Queens has been uninhabitable for almost 100 years, so what’s the big deal? Cankles decides to keep the public in the dark, and move the conference to a “safe” location. Um, with a nuclear explosion, they may want to move the conference to Canada. Just sayin’.

Wayne Newton is briefed on SG1′s escape, and his daughter’s role in the treachery. He is not pleased, and his coif is showing signs of stress. SG1 and Kayla meet at a hotel, and decide to get their freak on. Sadly, we don’t see any pink parts.

At the hot zone, Jack is informed that Farhad is receiving his 72 virgins, and when told that the area is clear, Jack responds with an unnecessary “Copy that.” Dude, it’s just you and the SWAT guy. Just say “Okay!” Jack calls Hastings and admits he dropped the ball yet again, but his next plan is bound to work! Jack proposes that CTU informs the media that Farhad survived in order to draw out the IRKsome terrorists. Hastings agrees and allows Jack to drag Farhad’s carcass across town. Suddenly 24 is becoming Weekend at Bernie’s . . . without the benefit of Catherine Mary Stewart.

1:29am – 1:35am – Back at “the swamp” – you know, the swamp just a mile or so from Midtown Manhattan? – the couple that slays together stays together. They give the White Trash Twins a burial at sea and Starbuck decides that disposing of a body is just the impetus needed to ask Chico Jr about their future plans. Idiot. I am really starting to hate this character, and Katee Sackhoff as a whole. The chick is the red shirt of every series she touches.

Back at the unmarked deli, the jIRKs hear that Farhad is alive. They are not pleased. They decide to send Marcos to finish off Farhad because Marcos’ mother is American. Marcos looks Middle Eastern, but that won’t arouse suspicion, right? Ugh. Marcos the Mama’s Boy calls his mommy and tells her to leave town. When pressed, Marcos just says, “Get the Hell out, woman!” which will surely set up a plotline of how Jack finds the IRKs.

Jack loads up Bernie, er Farhad, for the trip to the hospital, but not before reassuring the Pimply-Faced Teen. Can this guy’s death be more foreshadowed? After a “Copy that,” and a terrible “Let’s do this,” from the Pimply-Faced Teen, the funeral procession departs.

1:39am – 1:47am – Almost five minutes after we left SG1 and Kayla, they are both still completely clothed! Good Lord, I would have finished three minutes before then!

Cankles and Weasly McChiefofstaff decide to relocate everyone to McGurie AFB in Joisy. Wayne Newton comes into the room and tells Cankles that he will not be evacuating. Wayne says that Kayla and SG1 are “missing” and he will not leave until they are found. Cankles basically tells Wayne, “Yeah, good luck with that. I’m skipping town!” and leaves the room.

The funeral procession arrives at the hospital and Chloe taps into the hospital security cameras just in time to see a janitor removing an elderly patient’s gold teeth. Jack tells the red shirts to secure the doors, guaranteeing that some trauma patients will die outside the emergency room entrance. Good call on that, Jacko. Marcos pulls up in his product-placement Ford and arms his ‘splodey vest. At just the right time, RedHot calls Jack to thank him for her release. Never mind the national security issue or this very important op, they have some lovin’ to do! Hastings breaks in to tell Jack that Chloe found the vest-wearing Marcos, and the most idiotic plot twist ever occurs:

Jack: “Chloe, can you disarm [the vest] from there?”
Chloe: “Possibly. If I can pin down the detonator model, and maybe it will scramble the arming code using the transmitter in the mobile comm.”

I DECLARE SHENANIGANS!!! That is complete and utter bullshit, even for 24. Weak, man. Really frakkin’ weak.

Jack tells the Pimply-Faced Teen that Marcos is coming and the dumbass asks Jack, “What should I do?” What you should do, Owen, is kill yourself, because you sir, are a combat ineffective! Sadly, he doesn’t do that. Instead he gives Marcos his gun at the slightest hint of a threat, tells him where his target is, and leads him through the hospital to Farhad. The Pimply-Faced Teen is now officially the biggest puss-aah in the history of 24.

1:51am – 2:00am – Mrs. Wayne Newton is back, and Wayne calls her about Kayla. Mrs. Newton says she knew about Kayla and SG1, but agrees to track down their daughter. Since she is about ready for takeoff, she tells her lackey to have the captain stand down. No frequent flier miles for her.

At the hospital, the Pimply-Faced Teen is leading Marcos to the target, and certain doom at the hands of Jack F’n Bauer. Chloe calls and says she has a make on the detonator. A make she tracked down after seeing it from afar on a security camera feed. Riiiiight! Chock full o’ good news, Chloe tells Jack that she will need to see the vest. Eh, what? Pimply-Faced Teen mans up for a millisecond and makes Marcos show him the vest. Considering Owen’s queer status, I’m surprised he didn’t ask Marcos to show him his junk, too. Chloe confirms she saw the vest, because apparently that’s all anyone needs to disarm one. Chloe inexplicably finds the arming code and asks Arlo to disarm the bomb. Natch, Arlo says it will take a few seconds . . . as the Pimply-Faced Teen and Marcos enter Farhad’s room.

Marcos clicks the vest and like me in bed, it misfires. No explosion, no cuddling. Pimply-Faced Teen rushes Marcos, and gets pistol-whipped for his trouble. Marcos fires six rounds into Corpsy Farhad and notices that his vital signs are still stable. It’s a miracle! Jack bursts in, dodges a bullet, and tries to talk Marcos into giving up. Instead, Marcos makes like Superman and jumps . . . out of a third-story window. Unbelievably, he is almost completely unharmed from the fall and runs away. Eh, what??? Jack pursues after getting to ground level by jumping on some poor schlub’s car. I guess CTU will foot that bill.

Still running free, Marcos hides in an oxygen chamber. What, is he Michael Jackson now? Marcos calls the IRKs and tells them that the vest was disarmed. No worries, they reply, because Marcos can set it off manually. Jack tries to talk Marcos down, and gets a pipe to the closed-circuit camera for his trouble. Aaaaand . . . clock.

If I may insert some constructive criticism here, the last two episodes have sucked donkey balls. Someone needs to tell the writers that filler episodes are a necessary evil, but they are to be used sparingly. Two in a row is not sparingly guys, and declining Jack Bauer face time will turn off a lot of viewers. Thank God they can come here for my craptastic TiVo blogging . . .

Tune in next week when we see Starbuck and Chico return to CTU, a mysterious man ask about Kevin Wade, and Jack browbeat Marcos into disarming his vest. Hopefully, some people will die by Jack’s hand, because by my count, the Kill Counter was dead again this week. Another big, fat zero for the second week in a row. On the bright side, however, the Rod Count was at 9. Maybe we need a Jack Bauer Rod Counter?

See y’all next week.

12:00am – 12:10am – We begin with Son #1 who is pulling up in what looks like an ice cream truck. That must be where he stored the “rods.” Das Boot and Jack call Son #1, who is none too pleased. After hemming and hawing for a bit, Son #1 agrees to turn in the “rods.” Unfortunately for him, the only thing he will be able to turn in is his soul . . . because Farhad’s men just shot and killed him. Sucks to be him.

After giving us a “Copy that,” Jack is enroute back to CTU with Das Boot, who is now fresh out of sons. Hey, maybe he has a daughter whose life he can risk? Mmm . . . hot Russian daughter! Jack checks in with his ETA – Estimated Time to Ass-Kicking – and chats it up with RedHot, who is still in the psych ward . . . and wearing a tight shirt. Boing!

Meanwhile BubbaGump gets a call from Weasly McChiefofstaff, who tells Bubba that if this operation goes a tad askew, they will need a fall guy. Since Lee Majors is not available, Weasly suggests Agent RedHot, who apparently stabbed Vlad the Impaler 15 times. Someone remind Jack to not turn his back on RedHot after doing the nasty. Just sayin’.

12:14am – 12:22am – Chico, Jr. gets a call from Arlo who is tracking Dana Walsh. Chico, Jr. gets her coordinates – which are worse than her measurements – jacks some CTU guy’s car, and goes after Starbuck. Why is anyone’s guess. Starbuck is still following the White Trash Twins and fondling her pistol, which apparently has a silencer. Because, you know, every woman carries a pistol and a silencer is her damned purse!

Kristin Smith arrives and she already looks like a bitch. Again, just sayin’. Bitchy O’Bouffant sits down with RedHot to have a heart-to-heart.

Across town, Farhad moves the “rods” to a conveniently out of the way warehouse where they meet some “associates.” Associate #1 tells Farhad that since they can’t smuggle the “rods” out of the country – have they tried putting them in their pants? – they should use them against The Great Satan: America. Farhad agrees, and the forklifts move in. Because, you know, everyone handles nuclear rods with clumsy forklifts!

KILL COUNTER UPDATE: Anyone besides Michelle Obama have a big, fat zero? Because that’s what we have halfway through this filler episode!

12:27am – 12:35am – Bitchy O’Bouffant is grilling Agent RedHot and the two are just a whisker away from a gold old fashioned catfight. Gidda-gidda-catfight! The interview gets heated, and Bouffant starts treating RedHot like a criminal for killing a murderous rapist. Bouffant must be an attorney in Philadelphia. RedHot starts to crack like Nancy Pelosi’s makeup just as Jack screeches into the CTU Garage.

When Jack finds out that RedHot is gonna be the fall guy, he rushes to her rescue. When challenged by a CTU Security schlub, Jack goes all, well, Jack on his ass. He knocks the schlub out, and to add insult to injury, he uses his own hand to open the door to Medical. Jack bursts in, tells RedHot to shut her pie hole, then grabs Bitchy, throws her against the wall, and chokes her. Unlike most broads, Bitchy doesn’t seem to like that. Jack breaks RedHot out of Medical and is stopped by schlub – point of gun – after giving the schlub a verbal bitch slap, schlub backs off, then tasers Jack in da back. “DON’T TASE ME, BRO!”

Farhad is supervising the unloading of the “rods.” When he finds out that they need a detonator, Farhad claims he can get one, but needs a private phone. Enroute to the phone, Farhad grows a set and knocks out his escort before fleeing the scene. A henchman sees him and alerts the others. The chase is on.

12:39am – 12:45am – Jack is dragged before Hastings, and he verbally bitch slaps him. Being a bitch, Hastings takes it. Chloe barges in and says Farhad is on the line. Farhad tells Hastings that he will cooperate if CTU saves his pasty ass. Hastings agrees, sends out the B Team, and dismisses Jack. Probably not the best idea, since Jack is the best chance to get the “rods.” Hastings = douche.

Meanwhile, the White Trash Twins manage to pick up the only two strippers in New York with standards. After a little touchy feely, they storm off into the night, leaving the twins to find other modes of exercise. Starbuck exits her car, gun in hand, approaches the White Trash Twins, and is stopped by Chico, Jr. Chico throws her into the car, and after a brief protest, Starbuck spills her guts. I don’t think they had time for a quickie, though.

12:49am – 1:00am – Farhad is still hiding out, and the associates start driving the “rods” out of the warehouse. For some reason, Hastings gives the B Team to Agent Owen, aka Pimply-Faced Teen. Jack giggles as he rips Hastings’ master plan on his way out, and is stopped. Hastings begs Jack to stay and Jack agrees – as long as RedHot is left alone. Hastings bows to Jack’s Buddhist nature and they two go merrily along. So much for the Pimply-Faced Teen’s big break.

We go back to Starbuck and Chico, Jr. and they are having it out. Chico FINALLY tells Starbuck to shut up, grabs her gun, and approaches the White Trash Twins. The Twins wet their pants at the sight of Chico’s gun, and agree to leave town. Unfortunately, the GEICO Caveman grabs his piece and threatens to go after Chico. When Kevin stops him, the Caveman stabs him in the chest. What is it with knives this season? The Caveman jumps out of the party van and walks toward Starbuck and Chico. Bloody and battered, Kevin shouts a warning as the Caveman shoots. Alas, he didn’t hit Starbuck, but Chico took the Caveman out with a shotgun. Yeah, that’ll leave a mark. Proving she is the dumbest character ever on 24, Starbuck leaves the man she loves to check on Kevin. Really? What is your problem, woman???

. . . And fade to clock.

Tune in next week, when we see Jack profess his undying love for RedHot, Starbuck and Chico bury a few bodies, and maybe even a Wyatt sighting during the regular liveblog!

KILL COUNTER UPDATE: Maybe it’s just me, but I see this as a big, fat zero. Damn.

11:00pm – 11:11pm – Disregard that ogling part. Apparently, the White Trash Twins are at the nudie bar. “Where the beer gives you gas and the Bundys kick ass!” Looks like the boys celebrate their big score by seeing pink parts. Good for them! It is not, however, good for Dana Walsh, who is slowly overtaking Kim Bauer as the dumbest character in 24 history. She calls Kevin for an update, and gets nothing but the usual bullsh*t from him. Like Heptitis C, Kevin is here to stay, and there’s no salve in the world that will get rid of him. What’s worse is that the GEICO caveman is blackmailing Starbuck, too. Swell. This chick is dumber than dirt, and not nearly attractive. At least Kim is good to look at. What’s Starbuck’s excuse?

Arlo catches Starbuck talking to Kevin and tries to bring her back to Earth. You know, the place where Jack was kidnapped? Chico, Jr. admits what we all know – he is no Tony Almieda, and at this point, he couldn’t catch the clap in a whorehouse. Hastings is getting on Starbuck’s arse about skipping out on work, and for some insane reason, Chloe covers for her . . . right before she pours Starbuck a tall, cool glass of STFU. That’s my girl!

The Russkies bring Jack into Das Boot and ‘splain that Vlad the Impaler was, um, impaled. This interrupts Das Boot, who is busy slicing carrots. Lord knows that most people would be dicing veggies an hour after murdering their own son, right?

SIDEBAR: Why does everyone in Hollywood shake their head when a hood is taken off them? Is Jack worried about his coif? Just a stupid thing to do in my opinion.

Jack presents his story to Das Boot and gets a punch in the mush for his trouble. Like Mongo from Blazing Saddles, you don’t want to punch him. It will only make him mad. Das Boot orders Jack’s torture, then consoles Son #1, who just buried his brother. The family that slays together stays together.

Ooh, shirtless Jack beefcake for the ladies. I imagine AmyV’s mouth was watering. The Jack Sack’s, too. Heh, that’s for the Wyatt Poll on Monday night.

11:15pm – 11:25pm – Hastings is trying to worm his way out of trouble with President Cankles. The broad is actually buying it. Remember that when Hillary tries to run for POTUS. Meanwhile, Das Boot is grilling Farhad about Jack. I kind of like this, because Das Boot is pulling a Vader on Farhad: “I have now altered the bargain. Pray I do not alter it further.” Son #1 puts an exclamation point on the chat with a gun to Farhad’s melon. Well played, sir. Farhad is dismissed with a flourish, and we’re back at CTU.

Chico, Jr. and RedHot arrive at CTU, where RedHot is suddenly concerned for Jack’s well-being. Where was this concern when she plunged the cheese knife into Jack’s torso? Any hoo, RedHot is about to debriefed by Chloe. (Wow, that’s hot.) Chico, Jr. meets privately with Starbuck, and we find out that Chico has an on-again, off-again Noo Yawk accent. It’s worse than Fran Drescher’s. Natch, some CTU toad – probably a former red shirt – pulls Chico away and Starbuck gets off easy. Like Clint Eastwood said in Heartbreak Ridge, “Dana, you’re beginning to bore the Hell out of me.”

SHOCKING! Jack gets some voltage, thanks to Dmitry. He then plays dead, and when Dmitry comes back, Jack . . . kills him with his foot? What is he, Daniel Day-Lewis??? Jack then climbs the pole like one of the White Trash Twins’ strippers and begins to free himself by kicking out the pipe. Really.

Kill Counter Update: Jack has a kill. And . . . mark. (So far, no Dammits, though).

11:30pm – 11:37pm – President Wayne Newton gets a visitor – his smoking hot daughter. Smoking hot or not, she is playing the bitch card, especially when it comes to the arrest of her beau – Security Guard #1. She tells him off their undying love, and he dismisses her like so much white trash. Nice try, Kayla.

Meanwhile, Jack frees himself to find that Dmitry is not dead. Luckily, Jack makes quick work of him and we do not have to readjust the Kill Counter. After snapping Dmitry like a twig, Jack makes a bee-line for a cellphone . . . which is dead. Riiiggghhht! In previous seasons, Jack used the same cellphone for 24 hours without a recharge, but the Russian’s phone is kaput? Okay.

Jack turns off the lights and skulks around sans shoes like John McClane. A Russian stooge comes to the circuit breaker and Jack stabs him in the chest. Ooh, that’s gonna leave a mark. Dead Russkie has a good cellphone, calls Chloe, and tells her to trace the call – a difficult task at best. Trust me, it’s job-proven. Jack continues to search the location and sees a Russkie through a window. One double-tap later, he’s gone. A gunfight ensues, and Jack picks up Ah-nuld’s favorite – Uzi nine mil-uh-met-uh – and takes out another Soviet. Das Boot comes at Jack with a shotgun – scary weapon, if you ask me – and fires off some rounds before inexplicably looking under a table. Jack turns the tables – heh – on Das Boot, knocking him out, before Jack collapses. Must have been the knife wound, the high voltage, and the buckshot.

Kill Counter Update: Four kills for Jack. Bring the pain!

11:41pm – 11:50pm – CTU sends a team for Jack, NYPD has the restaurant locked down, and Dana has left the buildinggg! Good Lord, if I left my division as often as she did, I would have been fired years ago. Das Boot is in cuffs, RedHot is going to the rubber room – heh, heh, “rubber” – and Jack wants some alone time with Das Boot. Not a good idea . . . for Das Boot. Das Boot is listening to Jack’s plea deal, starts crying like a bitch, and says he will talk for full immunity. It’s always the full immunity, ain’t it? Jack goes conference call with President Cankles and Hastings, and tells them that he wants immunity. Cankles agrees.

Meanwhile, back at the lunatic asylum (aka CTU) Arlo has a meet-and-greet with Chico, Jr. Arlo rats out Dana to Chico, Jr. and has sweet surveillance pics. Not exactly the type of things that needed to be shown during a national emergency, but what do I know? Let’s just have everyone at CTU distracted. Speaking of distracted, Dana is at the nudie bar with Kevin. Any chance she’ll take her top off? Just askin’.

Chico, Jr. enters the elevator and holds it for a CTU SWAT Agent. The guy looks to be about 15 years old and dumber than Keith Olbermann. I can almost guarantee this Pimply-Faced Teen dies. Ya heard it here first . . . unless they covered it during the Liveblog.

11:54pm – 12:00am – Smoking Hot Kayla wants to see her Security Guard #1 for a conjugal visit. She is denied quickly than I was in high school. Dang. CTU SWAT is enroute to the nuclear rods with the Pimply-Faced Teen. We see this guy again? Oh, he’s as dead as Julius Caesar! Chopper lands, SWAT deploys, opens a tractor trailer and finds two dead henchmen. For some insane reason, Chico, Jr. lets one freakin’ agent clear the trailer. One guy? Tactically inept, kids. Chico Jr. comes into the trailer when it’s cleared – pretty brave, jerkass – and finds that the rods are missing. (That’s what she said.) The only thing left behind is Oleg’s cross. Looks like Son #1 (Joseph) gave the screwgee to Das Boot and took the nukes for himself. Nice!

Dana is outside the nudie bar, and suddenly pretending she’s an agent – is trailing the White Trash Twins. Oh, she is also caressing a gun. That should go smoothly. Jack gets the call and finds out that the nukes are missing. Das Boot is incredulous and realizes that Son #1 took his booty. Joseph calls Farhad and wants to make a new deal. My man!

Kill Counter Update: The final tally was four Jack kills for a total of four points. Since we forgot to post the KC this week, I guess no one wins. Sorry about that. I blame my co-bloggers.

Tune in next week when we see Jack get angry, terrorists get nukes, Hastings get even dumber, and Jack get angry again. Good times! Until then, I’m out!

10:00pm – 10:12pm – Looks like President Taylor is nation building and “staying the course.” Hmm, I wonder where she got that idea? *cough* George W. Bush *cough* Oh, I spoke too soon, since this twit just blabbed about the nukes to the Brits. Wonderful. Meanwhile, CTU has access to traffic cameras. I don’t know about NYC, but Philly’s cameras are usually kaput.

What apparently is not kaput is Chloe’s snark. It’s always a treat to watch her put a stalker in his place. Of course, since I would definitely stalk Chloe, I guess that’s bad news for me. And speaking of bad news, Jack is still wearing the Where’s Waldo glasses. Somehow, I think AmyV does not approve – even after a box of wine. Heh.

Oh snap. In case you didn’t notice it on the liveblog, Prince Vlad just grabbed Agent RedHot’s tushie. And from the looks of things, she has a real onion – an ass so good that it brings a tear to your eye. But I digress . . .

Starbuck is setting up Kevin’s felonious adventure, and while I would really like to see Kevin get a bullet in that white trash brain of his, I would rather see Starbuck get fragged by a cylon. This chick is really annoying, and I notice that running an op with these toads is not exactly as precise as running one with Jack and Agent Ortiz. I notice Kevin’s Henchman #1 has a few developmental disabilities. “Wow, like there are so many numbers.” Apparently he graduated high school under Project Bootstrap.

10:16pm – 10:24pm – Vlad is drinking vodka and trying to “impale” Agent RedHot, a move that has to get Jack’s undies in a bunch. Of course, everyone knows Jack Bauer goes commando, so it shouldn’t be much of a problem.

Meanwhile, Sergei is arranging an impromptu funeral for his son “the soldier.” Natch, he didn’t tell his aide that he unleashed the friendly fire. Living Son Joseph is still bent about Dead Son, and is pouting about it in the spare room. If Peyton Manning were there, he would tell Living Son to “rub some dirt on it.” Sadly, Manning has bigger fish to fry this week. POW!

Vlad the Impaler is on the blower with Sergei, and he’s trying to wine and dine Father of the Year out of enriched uranium. Swing and a miss! RedHot is persistently nagging, and has promised an impaling if Vlad keeps dialing. I guess his fingers will do the walking before his fingers do the walking. Tee hee hee!

10:29pm – 10:36pm – President Elvis is back, and he’s all out of Brylcreem. He’ll need it because he needs to slip a few lies past President Cankles. Elvis’ interrogation is going nowhere, so The King is raising the ante by threatening arrest the diplomat’s family. Security Guard #1 disagrees, and tells President Elvis as much. The King calms down, reassures SC#1, dismisses him, and decides to arrest the family anyway. Ouch, this guy is Ahmadinejad Lite.

Back in the Property Room, the White Trash Twins are rummaging through soiled underpants and barrels of cocaine. But wait! Kevin’s Henchman #1 pulls a gun! He turns the tables! He makes Kevin his beeyotch!

Maybe not. It was a water pistol. Er, what??? Since when do water pistols look as realistic as a Beretta? Um, never. Good plot twist, though, 24 writers. Idiots.

Back at CTU, Chloe is doing Starbuck’s work for her. Good thing, too, since she revealed that the uranium was Soviet in origin. Remember when the Soviets were scaring the Hell out of us? Good times. Starbuck turns from Chloe to answer the distress call from the White Trash Twins. Seems they tripped an alarm, and the po-po arrived. Starbuck notifies the WTT and they rectify the situation . . . by beating the officer half to death. Good plan, jerkass. That won’t raise a red flag. Between trashing the Property Room and leaving 1,000 fingerprints behind, you guys pulled off the perfect crime!

10:40pm – 10:46pm – Remember when 24 was about Jack Bauer? Yeah, neither do I. Can we please get Jack some damned face time already?

Okay, this is sad. SC#1 enters Elvis’ daughter’s (we’ll call her Priscilla) room, searches the area, then gives her a dramatic hug. Puh-lease! I know it’s almost Valentine’s Day, but that’s so sappy that I went into diabetic shock. SC#1 tells Priscilla about Elvis’ evil plans just in time for Elvis’ Roadies to knock at the door. “Check. Check One.” The roadies arrest SC#1 against Priscilla’s wishes, and Priscilla yells to her boy toy, “Shane, come back!”

Holy crap, a Jack Bauer sighting! The Impaler had trouble finding rods. (Heh.) Vlad puts RedHot in her place, and by that I mean the kitchen. Tired of being slapped and punched, RedHot shows tremendous testicular fortitude by going with a stalwart tactic: THE OLD KNIFE IN THE EYE! Ouch, that’s gotta hurt. While that probably killed the Impaler, RedHot gets all stabby and punctures Vlad a few more times for good measure before she is restrained by Jack.

And then, RedHot turns and shoves the knife into Jack’s abdomen.

That’s no gonna get her a Valentine’s Day card. So, Jack is down, bleeding from the knife in the side, when Vlad’s BFF enters the room and draws his pistol. Unbelievably, Jack pulls out the knife, throws it at BFF, and catches him in the throat. BFF goes down, Renee drops to her knees and cries like a wussy, and Jack – seemingly all better FROM THE KNIFE WOUND IN THE ABDOMEN – hugs her and calms her down. To quote Dr. Evil, “Riiiiight!”

10:50pm – 11:00pm – Jack’s back, and now he’s feeling the stomach pain. Nice, huh? Blood and battered, Jack has to cover for his hot piece of azz. Bubba wants Vlad back for an autopsy to see “what the Hell happened.”

I have a theory on that. He probably died after being, um, perforated. Am I close, Bubba?

And now, Jack is up walking around again, right as rain. Even after being stabbed in the stomach. I am really starting to get frustrated, maybe because I was off my feet for weeks after my appendectomy. I guess I’m not as tough as Jack Bauer.

RedHot is still crying like a beyotch, and Jack has switched to sensitive Jack Sack guy. I hate that guy. A noise. CTU? Eh, no, they’re Russians. Time for a plan. Jack chooses the French approach: surrender. Good plan. After hiding RedHot in the closet, Jack is taken away. One Russian is about to find Renee when his boss tells then they’re leaving. So much for a decent search. Dolts.

Agent Chico arrives to find RedHot. Jack? Not so much. He was smuggled in the sewers, and CTU lost him. This place is run about as well as the TSA! Jack is driven away, RedHot is about to cry – again – and CTU is left scratching their collective nuts. The stench of failure is in the air, kids, and this time, it’s not Arlo’s cologne.

Tune in next week when we find Jack modeling a sweet set of nipple clamps! It’s be breast-tastic!

Zombie Streetwalker kicks Agent Doosh’s corpse aside and takes charge of the operation to find Todd Bridges. When Jack finds out Doosh is dead, he immediately decides to GET TO DAH CHOPPAH so he can help Zombie Streetwalker run things on the ground.

02:17:52 to 02:28:32
Mr Burns’s Exact Duplicate Blond Chick Lawyer meets him in the White House brig, where she’s angry about him losing the bioweapon. “This is why we can’t have nice things.” She also says he exposed himself, and Mr. Smithers is so-o-o-o-o-o jealous because he missed it. She threatens his family, then gives him a red pill and tells him to “do the right thing.”

Jack and Streetwalker arrive where the FBI is staging the search for Todd Bridges. Jack does a ‘Psych’ thing and becomes suspicious about Tony’s version of the ambush since the bullets are from a .45, but Tony was shot with a 9mm. Meanwhile, Todd Bridges sets up some do-it-yourself urban renewal with some C-4.

2:32:55 to 2:38:22
Jack begins to have an episode and has to shoot up with a needle in his arm. Fortunately, this is southeast DC and no one notices.

Todd Bridges lures the FBI into an abandoned apartment building. Jack stays behind but Streetwalker goes in. Jack gets a call from Agent Mazola, who was debriefing him back at FBI HQ earlier. He needs to know if Jack is sure Zombie Tony’s source on the White House attack was Vinnie Cardiff, the Italian Welshamn? Jack is sure, but then, the drugs hit, and Jack hangs up.

Jack tries to warn Streetwalker that “it’s a trap,” But she doesn’t have time for his Admiral Akbar impression. Then, the building explodes. Jack takes over and orders the FBI to hold their perimeter, knowing Todd Bridges will try to escape amid the confusion. Jack runs to the burning building, Zombie Tony follows.

2:42:32 to 2:48:33
En route to the FBI’s J. Edgar Hoover Memorial Rear Entrance, Mr. Burns takes the red pill. Lawrence Fishburne appears, and begins lecturing tediously on the illusion of choice.

2:52:54 to 2:59:59
Zombie Tony meets up with Todd Bridges, who is wearing a stolen FBI jacket. He still has the bio-weapon, and he gilds his face in the blood of the fallen. Jack finds Streetwalker alive and uninjured. Whoever set off the blast had to know the FBI’s search pattern. Jack calls Mazola back, and finds out Vinnie Cardiff wasn’t dead like Zombie Tony said. Jack decides he needs to have a short painful conversation with Zombie Tony.

Jack confronts Zombie Tony as he packs Todd Bridges into an ambulance. Jack points a gun on Zombie Tony and reminds him of the time he promised to kill him if he ever lied to him. In the middle of threatening Zombie Tony, Jack begins to spazz out. Tony teases Jack with his medication. Zombie Tony leaves Jack in the care of some EMT’s and leaves.

Back on the ambulance, Todd Bridges stabs his EMT in the neck and puts a knife to the driver’s neck.

Tick-tock

(They said this was “The Hour that will stop the clock” so, I was expecting lots of Janeane Garofalo close-ups.) 

When Jack tells Zombie Tony that President Cankles aborted the air strikes, Zombie Tony thinks he knows why. He overheard a Starbucks technician saying he had packed his bags last night, pre-flight. Zero hour, one a.m. Zombie Tony wants to blow up the rocket fuel, ‘cos it’s got the heavy weight power when you got tha eods to rip it up to some fat bootie beast… or just chill with the honies… so get on the rocket and see the stars… Rocketfuel … DAMN!!!

Jack: “What the hell are you talking about?” 

President Cankles refuses to authorize the plan, but tells Jack since he’s going to die anyway, she has no way to stop him… wink wink … if he carried it out.

1:17:36 to 1:27:14

President Cankles, The Man, and Number Two (or should I call them “Burns and Smithers”) in the Oval Office. It goes something like this: 

The Man: I miss the Oval Office. Your predecessor used to make me little finger sandwiches and give me previously viewed DVD’s from Blockbuster.
Cankles: You killed my son, you bastard. 
The Man: That’s outrageous! I ought to bludgeon you to death with a cocktail glass. But I’ll forgive you if you give me control of the military. 

Meanwhile, Zombie Tony is preparing to blow the Rocketfuel DAAMN! Then, he is jumped from behind by Ninja Barristas. During the ensuing choreographed action sequence, he drops his detonator.One of the Ninja barristas hits the alarm, signaliing Threat Level Midnight. They prepare to launch. Zombie Tony sees the missile preparing to launch. There is a tense moment as he fumbles for the detonator. The audience wonders if this is, perhaps, when the clock stops. Finally, he grabs the detonator and sets off the C-4, incinerating the missiles and all the men in the bunker. 

When President Cankles finds out the missiles have been destroyed, she has Burns and Smithers arrested. Smithers asks if they can possibly be put in the same cell. 

1:31:42 to 1:38:57

President Cankles calls Jack, who asks that she show mercy for Zombie Tony. Then, he pulls a Tara Reid and completely zones out of the conversation. Then, Renee (a.k.a. Streetwalker) tells Jack that his daughter,  Kim “Cougar Bait” Bauer, has arrived for her annual visually appealing but otherwise pointless cameo. Jack pulls a Tyra Banks and throws a hissy fit because he specifically told her not to bring Kim into this. Jack meets with Cougar Bait, and says he’s sorry for various things… but not Season Six, which he really should be sorry for. He also tells her he doesn’t want her stupid stem cells. 

1:43:25 to 1:49:57

Back at Starbucks, Doosh’s agents are cleaning up, locking down, taking names… but not kicking ass so much. Then, Todd Bridges kills one of Doosh’s men and hops into an agency Suburban with a container of bio-weapon. Doosh immediately jumps into a chopper with Zombie Tony to film the chase and sell the video to the local news. 

1:54:24 to 1:59:59

Roadblocks are set up as Larry takes off in a chopper, accompanied by Zombie Tony. Doosh catches up with Todd Bridges and lands the chopper. Todd Bridges immediately shoots the pilot to death. Todd Bridges shoots Doosh in the fracas. If you’ve ever been shot in the fracas, you know how painful that can be. Then, Zombie Tony goes all Jack Kevorkian on Doosh and suffocates him. “I’m sorry, Larry,” Zombie Tony apologizes as he snuffs his life out… which suggests, he’s probably not really that sorry. Zombie Tony tells Todd Bridges to hide the bioweapon canister, and then sits back to quietly waits for the arrival of the FBI.

Tick-Tock.

Jack has a plan to find the Moonshine using another Starbucks executive, Expendable Character Actor (ECA), but Zombie Zombie Tony will have to stay behind to make it work.

Zombie Tony: “Aw, f—”

Doosh beats the crap out of Toady. Zombie Tony slips away during the scuffle.
Jack: “Great diversion!”
Doosh: “What diversion?”

Zombie Tony locates Expendable Character Actor and they go off to look for the Moonshine, I mean, WMD’s. Meanwhile, Jack, back at the FBI, goes all River Phoenix on everybody. (Too soon?)

12:15:14 to 12:22:50
President Cankles refuses to take out the WMD unless Jack can identify them. At which point, she will call in a surgical airstrike to finish them off. Meanwhile, the first daughter, a.k.a. Stupid Spoiled Whore, goes out to meet that journalist who looks like a low-rent Bill Pullman to put him off the WMD story.

Expendable Character Actor leads Zombie Tony to WMD building. As they try to bypass the doorlock, a HUMVEE pulls up and shines a spotlight on them. They break out in show tunes, much to the amusement of the guards. Then Expendable Character Actor announces, “For my next impression, Jesse Owens.” And runs away yelling “Woohoo, Woohoo” Daffy Duck style. As the guards chase him, Zombie Tony enters the WMD chamber.

12:27:52 to 12:35:52
The Man keeps pestering his WMD technicians. “Is it soup yet?” he asks continuously. “No, get out of the kitchen. It’ll be ready when it’s ready.” The Man is chased out of the room and goes to talk with Expendable Character Actor. When Expendable Character Actor tentatively suggests that The Man is insane, The Man brutally murders him with a booze glass and tosses his carcass into the foyer. (Man, I’d hate to work janitorial services at that place.)

Meanwhile, Stupid Spoiled Whore meets the Sleazy Journalist at a hotel, which is also sleazy. He asks her if the story about the WMD’s is true.

SSW: “Yes, it is true. But I call upon your sense of patriotism, honor, and journalistic integrity not to run the story.”
SJwllalrBP: “I’ll spike the story if you let me bang you.”
SSW: “Also good.”

Meanwhile, a doctor tells Jack that some sort of stem cell transfusion from a blood relation can save him. “What about your daughter, Cougar Bait?” “No,” Jack answers. “What about your (snicker) nephew?” They are interrupted when Jack sees a security detail bearing down on Zombie Tony. Jack warns him, and Tony is able to break open their skulls and feast on the soft pink insides.

12:40:22 to 12:47:16
Wearing fly new threads, Zombie Tony is able to get into the kitchen and transmit the image of the WMD’s for Jack to identify. Jack tells Zombie Tony to haul ass outta there because a pair of F-18s are en route.

At the hotel, SJwllalrBP tells SSW he’s going to run the story anyway, thus getting to screw her twice. SSW shows him that she recorded their sex on her cell phone, Paris Hilton style and threatens to tell his wife. She leaves and heads back to the White House.

As the White House prepares the air strike, President Cankles gets a call from The Man. He tells her he has three missiles ready to launch, and he’ll discuss things further in the Oval Office. President Cankles runs back into the Situation Room yelling “Abort, Abort.” At first, they think she’s giving unplanned pregnancy advice to her daughter, but it turns out she is ordering them to knuckle under on the air strike, which they do.

Tick-Tock

OK, so like, one minute after Jack calls the CDC, Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo are already on-site wearing Level 8 bio-contamination gear… the same level Michael Moore’s maid uses when she scrubs the toilet after MM makes a run to the border. Rene Russo orders Jack to strip. Dustin Hoffman takes out a geetar and plays wakka-chikka music. Then, they scrub him down like Linda Blair in Chained Heat.

Back at the FBI, Doosh is consulting with Hedorah, the Smog Monster… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… about tracking the bio-weapons the Starbucks Corporation has smuggled into the USA and plan to distribute through their 500,000 outlets. The Starbucks Corporation… like all members of the Fortune 500… has its headquarters on a heaily fortified military base. The weapons could be anywhere on it.

Meanwhile, back at Starbucks Headquarters, Zombie Tony is getting worked over ‘Passion of the Christ’ style. The Man thinks Tony needs to be worked over psychologically because he’s too strong to break. His Number Two man, Number Two, thinks The Man should cut his losses and destroy the evidence… but The Man… like all white corporate CEO’s… is far too insane for that. He wants the weapons prepped and ready in two hours.

11:17:55 to 11:26:22

President Cankles meets with the Joint Chiefs to devise a strategy for getting the weapons back or destroying them. The Attorney General poo-poos all their suggestions, and suggest they serve The Man and The Starbucks Corporation with the harshest possible subpeona! Meanwhile, Stupid Spoiled Whore is rubbing her abandonment issues and Electra complex all over Special Agent Red Foreman.

Just as Zombie Tony is about to die, Number Two kills the man who was going to kill him. And announces he’s switched sides, because he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life being cornholed like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. He’ll tell the FBI where the weapons are in exchange for immunity, if Tony can help him get to a secure phone.

11:30:38 to 11:35:44

Doosh informs Zombie Streetwalker that Jack has been infected with the bio-weapon… which is a fast-acting form of Mad Cow disease. They intend to isolate him in a stall and give him lets of water and hay.

Zombie Tony asks Number Two what the deal is with The Man wanting to commit mass murder and whatall. “It’s complicated,” Number Two says. “Like the complex emotional relationship between Jake and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain.”

11:40:54 to 11:46:35

To educate herself on the topic, President Cankles is watching a Bioweapons Special on the History Channel, which explains how bio-weapons may help ease Global Warming. She is informed that Number Two will give them the weapons location in return for immunity. She agrees, of course, because nothing could possibly go wrong. They plan to raid the base. Jack wants to help. Doosh tells him to stay in his stall because he’s too sick.

Jack: “But what if you need to torture somebody?”
Doosh: “Um… we’ll bring along some of Bill Maher’s taped monologues.”
Jack: Moo

11:51:03 to 11:59:59

The Man is in his weapons lab giving gried to Haji (from Johnny Quest) as he hears the sound of military helicopters approaching. He looks unperturbed. He he has reason to be unperturbed. The joint FBI-military task force ends up raiding an empty warehouse. It was a set-up all along, because it turns out, Number Two doesn’t mind spending the rest of his life being cornholed like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption.

Meanwhile, Starbucks’s corporate army rolls up in humvees. Jack is screaming at the monitors for Doosh to pull his men out, but Doosh is just standing there with his usual “Deer in the headlights of an oncoming semi” expression as some Matthew McConaughey in “Reign of Fire” type corporate military dude points a shot-gun at ‘em and says, “Gitcher revenooers off muh property.”

Tick-Tock