Blogs.4Bauer

We’ll go live about 10-15 minutes before the hour. Remember, that’s 8pm on the east coast.

05:00:00 to 05:12:15

Black Bette Davis is delivered into the merciless hands of the terrorist, Colonel Lionel Jefferson. Knowing that she is being tracked with her cell phone, Lionel rips it from her hands and smashes it to the ground.

Black Bette Davis: “Hey, I still had rollover minutes on that!”

Black Bette Davis agrees to go back to East Genocidia with him, but changes her mind en route and pulls a Princess Stephanie on him. His vehicle flips and rolls. Onlookers swarm, thinking Patrick Kennedy is back in town. Jack and Zombie Streetwalker show up, having escaped the clutches of the DC Police. Jack pulls out Lionel Jefferson, but Streetwalker can’t get Black Bette Davis unwedged. She pulls her gun and order Jack to help her, which Jack does. They pull Black Bette Davis to safety just as the car, which was apparently packed with cases of thermal jelly and nitroglycerine, explodes.

Unfortunately, Black Bette Davis is dead, and unlike the other people who’ve been killed this season, they don’t bring her back to life. But at least she’s out of the way so Jack can work on Lionel Jefferson.

05:16:42 to 05:25:16

As Lionel Jefferson is dying, Jack cuts him open and removes his Borg corticle implant. He orders it flown immediately to FBI headquarters to Agent Doosh and Potato Face can decrypt it. Sarcastic Android was listening in, of course, and his Bimbo come up with the perfect plan to prevent Potato Face from decrypting the list of traitors; they are going to simultaneously “upgrade” all the computers at FBI to Vista.

05:29:42 to 05:36:59

Potato Face reveals that names of the traitors on the corticle implant can only be downloaded once, they’re protected by iTunes. Just as she begins the decryption, the Blonde Bimbo succeeds in crashing the network. Sarcastic Android is so happy he shoots her right in the gut. Then, he shoots himself and blames it on her. It’s like they’re already married. Potato Face laments that all the data is gone, just like in that Season 5 thing with the magnets.

05:40:47 to 5:46:43

Ha! Fooled you! Potato Face had already backed up the data to a secure mirror thingy, so the list is fine. Sarcastic Android tries to bail, but FBI security nails his sorry ass and arrest him for treason. He immediately demands an attorney and 3/4th of the ACLU volunteers.

Back at the hospital, Black Joan Crawford rolls up and is unhappy that her sister is all dead and stuff. This, for some reason, makes Zombie Sreetwalker start slapping Jack in the face. “Do you feel that?” Jack’s lack of expression suggests that he can not. Either he’s emotionally dead or the botox was especially potent this week. This would appear to be the end of their blossoming, torture-based relationship. Jack gives her a warning:

Jack: “If you ever pull your weapon on me again, you better intend to use it.”
Streetwalker; “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”

05:52:16 to 05:59:59

Spoiled McDaughterbrat Cankles arrives at the White House and yells at President Cankles. Then, Chiggy makes a Green-Acres- Oliver-Wendell-Douglas speech about Jack’s terrorism and corn shoosting up into the sky, and President Cankles agrees to see if she can get Senator The Real Red Foreman to cut him some slack.

Jack meanwhile is watching the sunset as Zombie Tony returns and announces that there is an imminent terrorist attack about to take place. He doesn’t know the target, and the suspense lasts all the way until the scenes for next week, when it’s revealed that Mugatu’s terrorists will invade the White House, which is exactly where the Real Red Foreman and his aide, Evil Doogie Houser, are headed.

Tick-Tock

Next week’s show will be two hours and starts at 8pm Eastern. Don’t forget and miss the first hour. Of course we’ll be liveblogging the awesomeness. Send yourself a reminder.

Here we are, already at hour 10. The liveblog will kick off a few minutes before the top of the hour.

Ok, so last week’s episode was the classic 24-transition episode.  Which meant the kill counter took the week off.  Plus, it didn’t help that Wyatt was live-blogging which is the kiss-o-death.  Seriously, Wyatt we’re going to get you a red-shirt to wear the next time you live blog.

Let’s hope the transition is over and Jack gets back to killing dudes.

Here are the points and winner from last week:

Total Points = o

Hour 1-4 Winner: Jim says: I’m going low. 5 points.
Hour 5 Winner: Jack Bauer says: I am going with 3 points tonight.
Hour 6 Winner: steveegg says: Dean stole my 1, so I’m going 2.
Hour 7 Winner: RFTR says: Was going to say 6. Guess I’ll go with 5.
Hour 8 Winner: Trish Huttut says: 7…and thats my final answer

Hour 9 Winner:  Dean says: I’ll go with 2.

Post your guess at how many points Jack Bauer will rack up tonight in the comments. A list of the points is below.

Kill Counter 3.0

Killing Someone = 1 point
Killing a good guy = -1 point

Bonus Points
“Dammit” = 1 point
“We don’t have enough time” = 1 point
Shooting down a helicopter = 5 points
Mentioning Kim Bauer = 2 points
Apologizing for anything = -5 points
Crying = -5 points
Surrendering to bad guys = -10 points
Torturing or tormenting a baby = -100 points

The Following Takes Place Between 4:00 PM and 5:00 PM

4:00:00 to 4:12:12

Paramedics Gage and DeSoto arrive at the Korean grocery to take the First Bald Dude to the hospital. Jack calls President Cankles. “Madame President, we need you to identify this bucket of your husband.” Alfred comforts the president by offering her a bag of blood diamonds. She decides to go to the hospital. Chiggy agrees to be her bodyguard and carries her out of the White House while she sings “And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I will always love you-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou…”

4:16:36 to 4:26:07

Back at the FBI, Potato Face is setting up her work area.

Potato Face: “Your network sucks.”
Doosh: “Yeah, well, Jack Bauer is the Angel of Death! Ow! My eyes! You’ve scratched out my eyes, you crazy b!tch!”

OK, that may be just what I wish had happened.

Black Better Davis sneaks back to the apartment to pack-up and leave the country with terrorist commander Lionel Jefferson. Black Joan Crawford is passed out in her wheelchair. Lionel Jefferson meets with his travel agent, who looks like a Satanic Doogie Howser to arrange his escape from the country. He then threatens Doogie Howser with exposure if he can not escape the country because, as it happens, Doogie was planning to kill him. I think my company uses that same travel agency.

Meanwhile, Black Joan Crawford wakes up and tries to convince Black Bette Davis not to leave. Then, Jack and Zombie Streetwalker bust in like a Maryland DC team on a minor dope bust, except that they get the right apartment. Jack pulls up a picture of Lionel Jefferson on his cell phone:

Jack: “Do you know who this man is?”
Black Bette Davis: “He’s my everything.”
Zombie Streetwalker: “Barf.”

4:30:32 to 4:39:29

Dr. Cottle tells President Cankles that he doesn’t like the looks of her husband. Also, he’s probably not going to make it through surgery. Then, he lights a cigarette. Cankles sends for her daughter.

Meanwhile, Jack asks Black Bette Davis if she’d like to present herself as live bait so Jack can capture her ruthless, violent, amoral boyfriend. Of course, she says yes. Living with Black Joan Crawford has sapped her will to live anyway. When Lionel Jefferson’s pimpmobile arrives, Potato Face will be able to track her cell phone.

4:45:58 to 4:50:22

Red Foreman goes to pick up at First Daughter at her place of “employment” wearing a skimpy cocktail dress. Her family relationship is about as healthy as any other we’ve ever seen on ’24.’ She’s “consulting” with a “client” for “access.” She agrees to go to the hospital where her father is, but first she has to check with her supervisor, Sweet Daddy Badass Jones.

Lionel Jefferson’s pimpmobile arrives to pick up Black Bette Davis. She gets in the back.

Zombie Streetwalker: “She’s naked out there.”
Jack: “Don’t I wish.”

Traffic is remarkable light for DC at rush hour. It must be Martin Luther King Day.

4:54:44 to 4:59:59

While PF is tracking them, a Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… breaks into the server room to see what’s going on. About that time, the tracking system goes off-line.

Potato Face: “Effing Vista!”

Just as they get it back on-line, the DC Police — who, in real life, can’t even clear traffic after a Nationals Game — surround Jack and Zombie Streetwalker. The Saracastic Android… revealing himself as both an adulterer and a traitor (yeah, I’d hate my country too if I had to work for Janeane Garofalo) has betrayed them in order to buy time for Lionel Jefferson. Satanic Doogie Howser calls Lionel Jefferson to let him know his girlfriend is working for the Feds. Lionel Jefferson promises to “take care of her,” which sounds rather nice but probably means something else.

Tick-Tock

Last week’s episode included the first torture scene in 24 history to include someone in diapers.  Bravo Fox, way to bring toddlers into the torture debate!    In the future, torture involving a baby is -100 points.

Along with the baby torture scene, Jack killed some dudes.  Let’s hope that Jack continues his hot streak tonight – he’s killed dudes for three straight hours!

Here are the points and winner from last week:

 Killing Someone = 1 point X5
“Dammit” = 1 point
“We don’t have enough time” = 1 point
Total Points = 7

Hour 1-4 Winner: Jim says: I’m going low. 5 points.
Hour 5 Winner: Jack Bauer says: I am going with 3 points tonight.
Hour 6 Winner: steveegg says: Dean stole my 1, so I’m going 2.
Hour 7 Winner: RFTR says: Was going to say 6. Guess I’ll go with 5.

Hour 8 Winner:  Trish Huttut says: 7…and thats my final answer

Post your guess at how many points Jack Bauer will rack up tonight in the comments. A list of the points is below.

Kill Counter 3.0

Killing Someone = 1 point
Killing a good guy = -1 point

Bonus Points
“Dammit” = 1 point
“We don’t have enough time” = 1 point
Shooting down a helicopter = 5 points
Mentioning Kim Bauer = 2 points
Apologizing for anything = -5 points
Crying = -5 points
Surrendering to bad guys = -10 points
NEW - Torturing or tormenting a baby = -100 points

Don’t Forget.

The Following Takes Place Between 2:00:00 PM and 3:00:00 PM

2:00:00 to 2:14:32

When we left off, the evil terrorist Colonel Lionel Jefferson was using the Oscillation Overthruster to set off a chemical plant in Ohio to release more toxic gas than Michael Moore after a run to the border. At FBI Headquarters, Agent Doosh, Sarcastic Android, and a Sleastak in hornrims… No, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… Discuss their effort to locate the Oscillation Overthruster The Sleastak has a lead, but Agent Doosh thinks it might be a distraction.

Sleastak: “Don’t worry, I’ll drop it as soon as it’s cold.”
Doosh: “That’s what she said.”

Doosh orders Sarcastic Android to help the Sleastak with her lead, which is some sort of code fragment. She needs to find its source.

Sleastak: “I need to you to free up a socket for me.”
Sarcastic Android: “That’s what she said.”

Meanwhile, Jack, Chiggy Killer, Potato Face, Zombie Tony, and Zombie Streetwalker have tracked Prime Minister Morgan Freeman to MSNBC Headquarters, where he and his wife are being held hostage by the dastardly Colonel Lionel Jefferson. Zombie Streetwalker uses her FBI badge to get past door security while the others sneak in through a side door, except for Potato Face who is back in the car logging into “Interiorbuildingschematics.com.”

Anyway, the Sleastak tries to warn plant manager Spock Janeway that terrorists are using the Oscillation Overthruster to breach his firewall. Sleastak tries to tell him what the Oscillation Overthruster does, but Janeway cuts him off.

Janeway: “I know what that does, honey.”
Sleastak: “That’s what she said.”

2:18:53 to 2:28:13

The warp flatulence is set to blow in twelve minutes. Spock Janeway thinks he can stall the explosion by venting the warp flatulence into the pattern buffers, but only by entering the reaction chamber himself. Sleastak advises against it, but Spock Janeway says, “Dammit, I’m responsible for the lives of 148 crewmen aboard this vessel and the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and such.”

Back at MSNBC headquarters, Jack and his crew are preparing to bust into the place, free Morgan Freeman, capture Colonel Lionel Jefferson. Jack suggests a strategy.

Jack: “I think our best approach is a simultaneous double penetration.”
Chiggy: “I’m not touching that.”

Much shooting ensues. Colonel Lionel Jefferson destroys the Oscillation Overthruster before it can be used.

2:32:34 to 2:38:15

In order to cover his escape, Colonel Lionel Jefferson wires up Dr. Phlox like a Palestinian schoolboy.

Jack: “Stand back! He’s about to blow!”
Chiggy: “That’s what…”

KA-BOOM!!!!

Meanwhile, everybody from Agent Doosh to President Cankles has noticed that the attack is over and is wondering why. Spock Janeway is dead, of course.

2:42:42 to 2:48:06

Checking in on the C Story, Kevin Bacon is still dead. The first dude is still bald.

2:52:33 to 2:59:59

Prime Minister Morgan Freeman calls President Cankles to let her know that he is free, the Oscillation Overthruster is destroyed. She conveys the news to Alfred, who replies. “Oh, sh-t… I mean, hey, that’s great news.”

Jack agrees to give Morgan Freeman and the missus a ride to the White House. Zombie Tony doesn’t want to go.

Zombie Tony: “I just can’t come right now.”
Jack: “That’s … disappointing.”

Meanwhile, Colonel Lionel Jefferson arrives at his De-luxe apartment in the sky, calls to have his thug deliver the bald dude to him, and gets a little brown sugar from some diner skank.

Tick-Tock

Jack ended his killing sabatical last week, however even with a very large gun, he managed to only killed one person.  

This week he promised me he’d do better because…bad guys are going to kill a bunch of civilans and according to IMDB, Morris “the drill” O’Brian will make an appearance.  Of course, that’s the same outfit behind the whole Ed Norton fiasco awhile back.

Here are the points and winner from last week:

Killing Someone = 1 point
“We don’t have enough time” = 1 point
Total: 2 Points

Hour 1-4 Winner: Jim says: I’m going low. 5 points.

Hour 5 Winner: Jack Bauer says: I am going with 3 points tonight.

Hour 6 Winner: steveegg says: Dean stole my 1, so I’m going 2.

Post your guess at how many points Jack Bauer will rack up tonight in the comments. A list of the points is below.

Kill Counter 3.0

Killing Someone = 1 point
Killing a good guy = -1 point

Bonus Points
“Dammit” = 1 point
“We don’t have enough time” = 1 point
Shooting down a helicopter = 5 points
Mentioning Kim Bauer = 2 points
Apologizing for anything = -5 points
Crying = -5 points
Surrendering to bad guys = -10 points

1:00:00 to 1:13:54
Agent Douche chews out Sarcastic Android for referring to Agent Streetwalker in the past tense as the Planet Mercury looks on… oh, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… But it’s all good because Agent Streetwalker wasn’t dead, she was just taking a dirt nap. Chiggy and Potato Face dig her up and revive her with Zombie Juice. Zombie Streetwalker wants to call her boss at the FBI, but Chiggy won’t let her because any of several moles could give a head’s up to Highlander/Tanneth.

Meanwhile, the Magic Bus pulls into an airplane hangar, Highlander/Tanneth hops out and promptly holds a gun to Jack’s head, drawing a rebuke from Zombie Tony. “Accursed mandrake!” he yells as Jack urges him to “take the shot.” So, Zombie Tony shoots Highlander/Tanneth. Meanwhile, Colonel Lionel Jefferson who is apparently working out of the MSNBC newsroom orders his guy, Tad Huffington IV, to pick up Morgan Freeman and shoot everybody so he can keep his diamonds.

1:18:04 to 1:26:58
So, Jack is persuading Morgan Freeman to trust him and let Potato Face put a secret transmitter in his teeth so he can infiltrate MSNBC headquarters and capture Lionel Jefferson. Morgan Freeman is reluctant, but Mrs. Freeman tells him he has to have courage. To which he replies, “Oh, gee, thanks, Mrs-Couldn’t-Wait-to-Pull-the-Chicken-Switch-in-the-Panic-Room.”

Also, Tanneth lays a guilt trip on Zombie Tony: “How could I ever have suspected a man I convinced to turn traitor to his own government would ever turn on me?” He also tells Zombie Tony to go to hell, which you can tell hurts Tony deeply.

Alfred the Butler is still trying to get President Cankles to “just back the hell off!” Colonel Lionel Jefferson meanwhile sets up two jets, one filled with 250 puppies, the other with 21 kittens, to crash into each other in a spectacular fireball. KA-BOOM!

1:31:12 to 1:36:28

President Cankles meets with her cabinet, who offer this advice. “Madam President, our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot.” Cankles thanks Jimmy Carter for his advice, but says she is not backing down. She leaves, looking concerned and conflicted, holding out hope that Prime Minister Morgan Freeman can be recovered.

“Maybe the First Bald Dude can talk her out of this,” Alfred the Butler decides. “I’ll see if he’s hanging around in that chick’s apartment”

1:40:47 to 1:48:36
Potato Face shows Morgan Freeman the tiny transmitter. “Stand still while I jam this in your mouth.” “That’s what she said,” Morgan Freeman replies. Jack, meanwhile, apologizes to Zombie Streetwalker for shooting her and burying her alive, but also reminds her to count her blessings. “Every other woman I’ve ever liked has ended up dead or with Spam for brains, so, you’re actually doing pretty good.”

Anyway, first Bald First Dude is paralyzed in the apartment while Kevin Bacon acts out “Friday the Thirteenth” in front of him with the Skinny Gretchenish chick.

1:52:56 to 1:59:59
Tad Huffington IV pulls up in a van to pick up Morgan Freeman, claiming he iced Jack and Tanneth. Tad Huffington IV asks where Morgan Freeman is, and Zombie Tony says he’s on ice. Zombie Tony demands to see the ice before he gives up Morgan Freeman. Tony takes the diamonds, Tad’s men try to shoot him, but Zombie Tony and Jack drop them. They let Tad Huffington take Morgan Freeman to MSNBC headquarters.

Meanwhile, First Bald Dude recovers enough from his paralysis to use the Claw of Death to take out Kevin Bacon in a classic railing kill.

And Colonel Lionel Jefferson decides to kill 18,000 Americans by blowing up the Acme Deadly Chemicals plant in Kittenburg, Ohio.

Tck-Tock