24: Point/Counterpoint

kieferbeforearrestCounterpoint: Moooooooooooo!
By Jack Bauer

I was speaking with Audrey in Lower Manhattan about the latest perimeter breach — we were standing on a street corner because I had intel that the building was bugged when a mole came up to eavesdrop.

I’m pretty sure the mole was working with Nina, or maybe even trying to exact revenge for the Drazens, when he dared to say “Hello” to Audrey.

The conversation went down pretty much like this:

Mole: Hello … Audrey.

Audrey: [Gasp!] Eek, Jack! Help me!

Me: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?

Mole: Me? I just … design women’s clothing. Yeah, women’s clothing.

Audrey: Really? Can I get some samples?

Me: Don’t use such a lame cover story! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW! Who’s trying to kill President Palmer??? WHY IS KIM SO STUPID? Teri and I are both smart!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Because there was no wall right there, it was impossible for me to hold him by the neck against a wall, so I headbutted him.

Afterward, Chloe tried to remind me that President Palmer’s already dead, but I explained I was just trying to trick the mole into revealing more information.

I know that Charles Logan is the president now. Sheesh. Everyone keeps thinking I have mad cow or someth – mooooooooooooooooooooo.

24 Point/Counterpoint

detroit1.jpgPoint: Why nuke the 3-1-3? Haven’t we suffered enough?

by Detroit

I can count the good things that have happened to Motor City on my left hand. Let’s see, the 3 Piston’s championships…of course there was also the rioting afterwards. There was the Tigers baseball championship in 1984, again the rioting afterwards…ehh not so good. We are named ‘hockeytown’ for those of you who still watch hockey. Plenty of people are fleeing…errr moving away, so there are plenty of homes for sale, cheap. Oh, and in 1980 we gave the key to the city to Saddam Hussein. It could be worse, none of our waterways have caught fire like Cleveland. But come on, haven’t we suffered enough?

Please don’t nuke us. There are better targets, ones people care about. Why notbanner2.jpg target someplace like Chicago? Wouldn’t that make more sense? Imagine the play on words Al-Jazeera would have with “The Windy City” getting nuked! Or there’s Cleveland, I hear they let women walk around with uncovered ankles….infidels!

I actually see why you’re doing this; I guess I’d make a very nice target…back in 1972. It just not make sense to nuke Detroit. There’s still enough time to redirect your nuclear fury to Chicago, Pittsburgh, Cleveland…. or even (cough) New York (cough) if you feel like doing us a favor.

24 Point/Counterpoint

brian.jpgCounterPoint: WTF Are You Talking About? Chillie’s Is Awesome

by Brian – Chotchkie’s Waiter

Oooh. Sounds like someone’s got an extreme case of the Mondays. Maybe you need something to nibble on? Like some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?

Or maybe I can interest you in some of our Outrageous Wing-Wangs in Spicy, Double Spicy, Boy Howdy, and Mild Dippin’ Sauce? How about some of Fang Dang-a-Licious Cheese Sticks? Or our Whacktastic Hoola-Joob Monterrey Punji Sticks? I don’t even know WTF those are, but with a name like that, they gotta be scrump-dilly-ishus. My point is, Chillie’s got something for everybody. No matter how outrageous your taste is, we’ll bring it to you. For fantastic food, fun, and friends, there’s no place like Chillies.*

Far from sucking, the moderately-priced, casual dining restaurant isbanner2.jpg the last refuge of sanity in an angry, flair-deficient world.

Sure, it’s all hip and ironic for you bastards to mock the decor. Like you haven’t all secretly dreamed of nailing a canoe to the ceiling and covering the walls with kitschy 1940′s movie posters. You should see my apartment. (But I can only “host” when Dane, my room-mate is at work. He works the night shift at Kinko’s and weekends at Red Robbin. So, it’s cool. Really.)

And if Dave Bauer hates Chillie’s so much, why does he spend like four hours there? The service ain’t that slow, girlfriend.

* Except for TGIFridaze, Appelbees, Bennagain’s, Rooby Twosday, Mack’s & Irma’s, Champs Americana, Plan It Holliwood, Joe’s Crabb Shakk, and Chevvees.

bauer.jpgPoint: Chillie’s sucks major balls

24 Point/Counterpoint

bauer.jpgPoint: Chillie’s sucks major balls
by: Dave Bauer

I may want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs but I sure as hell don’t need to eat at Chillie’s in order to get my damn ribs on! Chillie’s sucks major balls.

Why all this animosity toward a neighborhood chain? Well the Bauer clan has what layman would call a sensitive stomach. That’s why Jack did not eat a single bite in his 2 years of captivity in China, not even a fortune cookie. I recall the last time Jack got his hands on a bad batch of Sweet and Sour Chicken and well…it was not a pretty sight. When he recovered (2 minutes later) it was not a pretty sight over at the Goldenbanner2.jpg Flower Super Buffet either. They are still picking pieces of Carlos out of the ceiling fan.

With a sensitive stomach, how am I supposed to eat at a place named after a dammed chili pepper? Why not eat at Flaming Ass Joe’s or an Irish place called Pukey McVomit’s?

I don’t want to eat at Chillie’s for lunch, dammit! There’s a TGI-Fridays next door. I hear Friday’s has a set of ribs with Jack Daniels mild BBQ sauce. I’m going over there to eat.

I hope the next time you eat at Chillie’s, you think of balls.

Point/Counterpoint

050.jpgPoint: Can I come back, please?
by: Agent Lynn McGill

I read on Blogs4Bauer that Tony Almeida is coming back for Season 7 and I think that’s really great. Tony was a real swell guy and never got a silent clock. Come to mention it, I never got a silent clock…can I come back for Season 7 as well. Please?

Seriously, I would really like to come back next season and I havebanner2.jpg some great ideas that would really help the writers of the show. Are you listening Manny Coto, you no-talent hack? Jack in Africa? What in the hell were you thinking?

The first thing I’d do is give me a better name, Lynn is a girl’s name and I was always getting teased by the CTU security staff. How does Lance Powers sound? Powers and Bauer, we could be nicknamed Bacardi and Baileys. Watch out bad guys – here comes Powers and Bauer! Sorry Jack, I meant Bauer and Powers.

I would also need an eye patch, a mustache, and a motorcycle. No make that two eye patches. Have I mentioned the midgets? We’d need at least three that would be there to serve us drinks and fetch babes. Then we need a cool black dude who’s only role is to wear aviator sun glasses and say cool things like “damn bro’ that’s gonna leave a mark” and “he did not see that coming“.

Well that’s all that I’ve come up with so far. There’s this one storyline involving an underground dolphin fighting ring, but I’ve yet to hear back from Brett Farve on his availability.

Powers out.

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Zombies of the world, unite!
by The Late Nelson Muntz

This nation is divided. And it is not the usual dead/undead division that is plaguing America. Instead, two zombie factions are at odds over zombie President Palmer’s pacifist policies.

Does anyone realize how long we have struggled to put a zombie President in the White House? Sure, Gerald Ford was a start, but since he was not clinically dead when he was elected, we could hardly call that a victory! Zombie Wayne Palmer represents you. He represents me. He represents our zombie agenda, and I say we support him!

(Hold on a moment, I can’t seem to find my left foot. Where the hell did I leave the corpse of Daniel Day-Lewis?)

Sorry. Zombie issues here. Where was I? Oh yes, our zombie President has our best interests at his undead heart. His recent bout with pacifism is merely placating his undead hippie base. Now that he has satisfied them, Dennis Hopper will leave him alone.

HA, HA!

24 Point/Counterpoint

Point: This zombie president does not represent me!
by: Harris Johnson (1923-1967)

As a proud member of the walking undead, also known as “zombies”, I’m outraged at the portrayal of one of our own on the show 24. The show has a zombie president that is trying to stop a war and promote peace and understanding and all that hippie crap. This zombie president does not represent me or anyone like me!

The Fox-TV show “24″ is giving a new twist to its old standby: anti-zombie themes. This time around, a d
ark-complexioned zombie is the villain. Not stopping there, Fox has the zombie president as the worst kind of villain, a peaceful villain! Do they think the viewers are that stupid?

I tell you what, there’s not going to be a demand for zombie President Palmer t-shirts.

Now in its sixth season, “24″ has super agent Jack Bauer yet again bringing down Arab-American and Muslim-American bad guys while the lone zombie is responsible for holding back and cowering to these terrorists.

Jack Bauer has come out and stated that “I think the zombie community within the United States is an incredibly vital, important aspect of this culture — and to talk about any one group because of the actions of one zombie and lump them as a larger group of zombies is a very dangerous, dangerous situation.” It is really hard to watch Jack try to hide behind Fox’s blatant slap in the rotting faces of zombies everywhere. We have worked long and hard to gain a reputation as flesh eating monsters! Now Fox wants to put a positive spin on zombies? I hope the viewers are not duped into thinking that zombies are anything but walking corpses looking to feed on some fresh brains and a little flesh of the living.

In reality, why would zombies want to prevent nuclear war? The use of nukes would create many more zombies and also provide plenty of fresh food, radiated to kill off any diseases the host may carry. Personally, I was looking forward to a little halal dining until that bastard zombie Palmer put an end to it.

The blatant stereotyping of zombies on 24 has to end! Until zombie President Palmer starts munching on some frontal lobes, we will be holding rallies outside of Fox Headquarters. Come join us, it’s BYOB. Ha Ha…. I kill you.

Harris Johnson is the president of Z.A.P. (Zombie Awareness Partnership)

24 Point/Counterpoint

Counterpoint: Why not torture him first?
by Dr. No

Don’t listen to the boy, he’s too young and inexperienced to know what he’s talking about. I have been a supervillain for nearly half a century, and have come up against my share of government agents. You think Jack Bauer is tough, try James Bond. At least Bauer doesn’t corrupt your female staff by sleeping with them—he is far too attracted to women with noses shaped like penises. I’ll bet he even has a thing for Miss North Dakota!

I think you made a mistake sending Bauer off with two nameless goons, however. If you need ideas for better ways to kill off a pest, I am happy to help. I, after all, created one of the most famous traps for my nemesis (James Bond). After multiple tests of his stamina and creativity while traveling through a tunnel of terrors, Bond came up against a giant squid. Now, granted, this didn’t work—and very few of my colleagues’ plots have worked—but they’re bound to eventually, right?

Also, you failed on another point: no catchy goodbye phrase. My colleague Goldfinger had one of the most memorable. Bond asked “Do you expect me to talk?” and Goldfinger responded “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.” Your mission should be to embarrass him before you kill him in a unique and creative way.

I really hope you didn’t just send him off for the goons to kill him—there had better be a laser or an over sized cutting or crushing device of some kind involved.

At the very least you could come after him with a slow-moving flamethrower tank that the locals think is a dragon!

Point: Why don’t you just kill him now?
by Scott Evil

24 Point Counterpoint

Point: Why don’t you just kill him now?
by Scott Evil

Oh Graham Cracker… What the hell are you doing man? Did the bag over your head cause you to lose that many brain cells? I mean, you have Jack right where any archvillan would want him. Nina Myers and Victor Drazen are rolling in their grave. Why don’t you just kill him now?

You killed his CTU backup. Good.
You disarmed him and insulted his dead wife making him want revenge. Good.
You handcuffed him and….Wait, where are you going?

Aren’t you even going to watch them? They could get away! You numb-nuts!

I may have been artificially created in a lab but I wasn’t artificially created in a lab yesterday. The logical thing to do is a couple of bullets to the head. The KIA in the parking lot was not registered to your company; just stash the dead bodies in the trunk. Hell just put them in the CTU SUV that your goons already took care of. You have the time. You have the bullets. The balls? Didn’t think so. Why not put the gun in your mouth you no-haired ass-boy.

You could even shoot your father with Jack’s gun, place it in Jack’s hand and then CTU will spend countless hours calling it a “tragic murder-suicide” while you are refilling your Rogaine and hanging out with Jack’s love child.

Better yet, I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I’ll get it, I’ll come back, BOOM, I’ll blow their brains out! Instead you are just going to leave Jack Bauer and daddy to a couple of goons who look like they need color diagrams to put on pants?

That’ll do, jackass. That’ll do.

Counterpoint: Why not torture him first?
by Dr. No

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric


Hi, and thank you for tuning in to the Couric Power Hour. My name is Katie Couric, Dan Rather no longer works here.

Jack Bauer is running for Senator of both New York and Connecticut and I think it’s a very bad idea. Bad for New York, even worse for Connetiucut, and even more worse for the Senate. New York and Connecticut need their own senators; Jack Bauer should stick with what he does best – whatever that is.

First of all, is this stunt even legal? I’ve never heard of anyone being a Senator from two different states. Even if being a senator from two different states is ok, being a Senator from two different states at the same time is probably against the rules.

Second, I would like to know if Jack Bauer could represent the people of New York and Connecticut. He happens to be from California and has spent the past 5 seasons between Mexico, California, and a brief time in a whore house in Nevada. I know that New York needs a senator that is a true New Yorker and is not running for Senate just to make a run at a higher office.

Third, Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath with no known people skills; he has no place in a law-abiding institution like our Congress. We know what Jack Bauer is capable of with a towel, hacksaw, and a box of Peanut M&Ms. Where does this translate to an ability to create meaningful legislation? Jack Bauer cannot get a bill to become law by simply torturing it.

With these arguments in hand, I hope that the people of New York and Connecticut avoid the media hype surrounding their candidate for Senate and vote for whom they think will do a good job representing the common person from their state. That would be Ned Lamont and Hillary Clinton, not Jack Bauer.

Good Night and Good Luck, Courage.

-Katie Couric

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O’Brian

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point – Bauer, You’re Out! by Jimmy “Da Hammer” Lopez
Counterpoint – Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you’d be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- “We do not need Rack Bauer” by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint – Jack’s Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point – It’s time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer’s manpurse
Counterpoint – That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point – Jack Bauer’s Threats Will Not Stop Iran’s Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint – Keep It Up And We’ll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP – Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point – Dude, I Wouldn’t Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint – A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn’t Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O’Brian

Point – Don’t Hold Your Breath; Heller’s Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint – Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point – I’m Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint – Henderson, You’re As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) – by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. – by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! – by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint – Audrey, stand by your man! – by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point – Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic – by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint – Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning – by Vladimir Bierko

Point – I’m going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint – Nah, you’re not. – by Death

Point – CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint – My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint – Violence Makes The World Go ‘Round

Point – Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint – A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point – It’s Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint – Confucius Say, “Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little”

Point – Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint – Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point – They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer’s cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint – The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.
by John F. Kerry

President George W. Bush talks a lot. Unfortunately for the American people, all he does is talk. What the Counter-Terrorist Unit needs is a man of action. I am that man. My name is John Kerry, and I am reporting for duty.

My qualifications are much more impressive than those of Mr. Bush. I am not aware if you know this, but I served in Vietnam. During my tour, I received more Purple Hearts before 8am than most soldiers received all day. Hillary Clinton agrees - I am the greatest hero in American history. And I am up to the challenge of defending this country against terrorism with a caring approach – unlike that Cro-Magnon Jack Bauer.

Unlike Jack Bauer and his lackey George Bush, torture and civil rights violations will not be an option in my arsenal. Instead, I will use the United Nations as a tool for negotiation. Terrorists are no different from you and I, and they respond well to frank discussion. There is no place in CTU for Gestapo tactics. In my CTU, terrorist attacks will cease.

If I were at CTU, Victor Drazen would have never made that attempt on then-Senator Palmer’s life. In my CTU, Drazen and his family would have received a full pardon for his terrorist actions, and his family would be given safe passage to Syria – far away from the United States. And, unlike Jack Bauer’s clan, my family would never been kidnapped. I mean, have you seen my family? Ugh.

If I were at CTU, rogue factions would not have smuggled and detonated a nuclear device inside our borders. In my CTU, these factions would meet with my head of personal understanding, Madeleine Albright, to discuss their worries and concerns. By opening a dialogue, we can solve their problems. And if that fails, we will detonate the device in a red state.

If I were at CTU, former President David Palmer would still be alive. It is only because of his Nazi-esque, right-wing policies that forces within our own country marked him for death. In my CTU, I will openly welcome every citizen with a differing opinion . . . . except the Republicans.

Frankly, my policies would have prevented every major disaster that Jack Bauer has dealt with in the last decade. When you look at the facts, it is clear that I (and not George W. Bush) am the best person for the job. I stand ready for your reply.

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent
by President Bush

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent

Point: I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent
by President Bush

Heh Heh. Over the past few seasons Jack Bauer has done a heckuva job. But starting next season, Agent Bauer doesn’t have to worry about pesky moles anymore. That’s because a true patriot is expected to join CTU. A man of impeccable credentials and unflaking faith, me! Jack Bauer and I have made the decision to defeat the terrorists in LA so we don’t have to face them here at home.

John McCain thought he was cool because his little role last season – like he was up for an Oscar or something. I kept reminding him they gave a NASCAR driver speaking lines and a bigger role! Johnnie’s time on screen could have been better spent than just a hand-off of a plain CTU folder. I thought his 6 years as a POW would get him to make the most out of his modest screen time, giving a Hawaiian Good Luck Sign or blinking “Kim Bauer is hot” in Morse Code.

As Agent “Eddie Burke”, my statergry will involve taking out many terrorists with no compassion in a 24 hour period. I hope they give me shot at taking down a sitting president who lied to the American public in order to get us in a war in Central Asia over oil.

This is historic times and Bauer and Bush are historic people who are going to put an end to this terror shit. Just don’t tell Laura.

Counterpoint: If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened.
by John F. Kerry

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point – Bauer, You’re Out!by Jimmy “Da Hammer” Lopez
Counterpoint – Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you’d be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- “We do not need Rack Bauer” by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint – Jack’s Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point – It’s time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer’s manpurse
Counterpoint – That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point – Jack Bauer’s Threats Will Not Stop Iran’s Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint – Keep It Up And We’ll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP – Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point – Dude, I Wouldn’t Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint – A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn’t Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O’Brian

Point – Don’t Hold Your Breath; Heller’s Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint – Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point – I’m Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint – Henderson, You’re As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) – by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. – by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! – by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint – Audrey, stand by your man! – by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point – Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic – by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint – Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning – by Vladimir Bierko

Point – I’m going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint – Nah, you’re not. – by Death

Point – CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint – My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint – Violence Makes The World Go ‘Round

Point – Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint – A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point – It’s Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint – Confucius Say, “Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little”

Point – Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint – Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point – They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer’s cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint – The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Point: Bauer, You’re Out!

Point: Bauer, You’re Out!
by Jimmy “Da Hammer” Lopez


On behalf of the 2006 Jimmy’s Seaside Coed Softball team, we would like to thank Jack Bauer for a solid year. We won the Orange County League Championship, however the methods used by certain members of our squad cannot be tolerated. The team voted and Jack Bauer will not be a part of the Jimmy’s Seaside team for the 2007 season.

We really appreciate Jack Bauer coming out and playing third base for us. His .865 batting average, 39 Homeruns, and 123 Runs driven in were tops in the league. We finished the season with 34 wins and zero losses. Teams like The Hamslammers, Bob’s Discount Tires, Beer-runs, and The Smokin’ Gunz had no shot against us this year.

But winning is not everything. The league warned us 453 times about complaints other teams had about Jack Bauer’s play at third. While I did not see it, one team claims Bauer warned a Jenny “Hot Stuff” Martinez on The Goners that if she scored “her children would grow up without a mommy”. She refused to leave third base. Now I sided with Bauer in that case, but I was watching when Jack fielded a ground ball and then threw the ball at the head of a runner heading home, while the runner did not score and we won the game, the runner spent the rest of the season making spit bubbles in his hospital room.

Then there are the problems with Jack Bauer and his bat. There was more than one case of Jack Bauer holding on to his bat after he hit the ball. Now, I wasn’t looking but I hear that one team had to find a new second baseman after Jack broke up a double play using a bat.

We can put up with the constant complaints from the other teams. However, Jack Bauer’s treatment of some of our own teammates was the literal “straw that broke the camel’s back”. Just to set the record straight, Mason “Fat Boy” Jackson was never a mole. Bauer accused him of giving away signs to the other team and even tried to make Jackson swallow a softball unless he confessed.

Jackson, myself, the rest of the team, every team in the league, the league president, and the police all think it would be best if Jack Bauer were not allowed to play for Jimmy’s Seaside or any team in the Orange County Coed Softball League ever again.

Counterpoint: Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you’d be drinking from is between your legs!
- by Peter Gammons

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- “We do not need Rack Bauer” by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint – Jack’s Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point – It’s time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer’s manpurse
Counterpoint – That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point – Jack Bauer’s Threats Will Not Stop Iran’s Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint – Keep It Up And We’ll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP – Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point – Dude, I Wouldn’t Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint – A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn’t Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O’Brian

Point – Don’t Hold Your Breath; Heller’s Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint – Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point – I’m Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint – Henderson, You’re As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) – by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. – by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! – by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint – Audrey, stand by your man! – by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point – Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic – by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint – Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning – by Vladimir Bierko

Point – I’m going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint – Nah, you’re not. – by Death

Point – CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint – My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint – Violence Makes The World Go ‘Round

Point – Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint – A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point – It’s Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint – Confucius Say, “Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little”

Point – Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint – Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point – They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer’s cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint – The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

I Think Jack Bauer Is Far Out, man Believe it or n…

I Think Jack Bauer Is Far Out, man
Believe it or not, I really enjoy watching Jack Bauer, sometimes. Take last night for example. It was good to see that no Muslims were implicated in the plot, setup by George Walker Cummings to plant WMDs in “central Asia”. Where is “Central Asia” anyway and do they serve a mean #23 with a side of rice and an egg roll? No dude, the neo-cons at FOX mean IRAQ. Finally someone in the right-wing mainstream media has said it…it’s all about the oil, wal-mart, and the jjjeeewwwws.

I mean, take the ChimpyMcBushilter character or as you guys call him “President Weasel”. Who gave this guy the right to go along with Sid Blumenthal’s idea to hide WMDs in “Central Asia”? What did these terrorists ever do to us? I didn’t vote for The Weasel, he was…like selected not elected.

If Weasel was anymore like ChimpyMcBushilter, Laura and Barney could sue for copyright infringement or something. All the Weasel-in-Thief (note that it also starts with “W”) has to do is nominate a former Hitler Youth member to the Supreme Court to make the likeness complete. Heck man, He’s already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer’s cell phone, whose next? Me…when I get a phone?

Well man, I’ll hit you guys up again next week. I hear Kim Bauer is back, she’s ok. Peace.

Counterpoint
The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!