While it is good news for those 24 fans who also are fans of Michelle, it is bad news for 24 fans who had hoped that maybe, just maybe, Michelle hadn’t been blown up after all and might show up at Tony’s side this season.

Here’s the description of her character:

Rumor has it that she’ll play an outdoorsy, professional thirtysomething—who’s a possible love interest for one of our main castaways.

Sorry, boys, but at least you’ll be able to see her on the small screen, still.

Name: Ramon Salazar
Season: Three
Occupation: Drug Kingpin
First seen: 1:00pm – Day 3
Last Seen: 1:00am – Day 3
Status: Dead

Despite what you may think, Ramon Salazar isn’t a side dish at trendy Spanish restaurants. Ramon Salazar isn’t the Hispanic guy on Desperate Housewives. Ramon Salazar isn’t the guy we removed from power in Panama many years ago. Finally, Ramon Salazar is was not Phil Hartman.

No, Ramon Salazar was your standard run-of-the mill drug kingpin who ended up playing Russian Roulette with Jack Bauer after the CTU agent breaks INTO a prison, a riot breaks out, and the two are forced to play Russian Roulette after Bauer breaks into a prison (oops, I was stuck in a 24 plot loop).

Ramon was in jail when Season 3 starts. Hell shouldn’t I be writing this profile about his brother, Hector Salazar? I would be writing this about Hector, if it wasn’t for Ramon shooting his own brother…and the aforementioned Russian Roulette game which prompted Fox to have Jack Bauer film a PSA on gun safety. Hint: Kids, it’s dangerous to load a gun and point it at your forehead while pulling the trigger, unless your name is Jack Bauer.

So why are we here? Oh, yeah, Ramon and his brother were going to release the infamous Cordilla virus. No, the Cordilla isn’t a soft taco wrapped with a hard outer shell with 2 meats and a cheesy core at Taco Bell for $1.99. The virus was made in The Ukraine and imported to LA. It causes nose-bleeds, bad breath, hemorrhaging, skin abscesses and eventually death. Michelle Dessler was infected, but having slept with Tony Almeida, she was immune to the ill effects of the virus.

So Jack’s undercover, in Mexico, surrounded by drug dealers. So basically…a typical Wednesday night for Kiefer Sutherland. Jack was tested by the Salazars who asked Bauer to shoot his partner, Chase Edmunds. Jack pulls the trigger – click – the gun was empty (we all know that he has no problems with thinning CTU’s payroll on his own). Hector was convinced, so Ramon shot and killed him.

The virus was put up for sale on Ebay and Nina Myers won with a last minute bid to beat out Ramon (also known as kidFunKY223). And here’s where it get’s weird.

Nina gets kidnapped and is forced to turn over a vial containing the virus. Ramon then pulls a gun on Jack and Chase Edmunds shoots Ramon with a sniper rifle. Then Delta company swoops in (late), Jack kills a few dudes with a knife, something explodes, and Ramon escapes. Later (aka 1 commercial break) Jack corners Ramon and tells him “it’s over”. Wait, he actually said “IT’S OVER”. Ramon threatens to unleash the virus; instead the vial explodes – killing Ramon. He fell for the exploding Cordilla virus trick! Jack Bauer will later use this same trick with an exploding memory stick.

Ramon Salazar: (after sparing Jack’s life) The man has more lives than a cat.

In our Villain matrix, Ramon scores pretty high on Meanness for killing his brother. He also scores well for Coolness because of his cool name. However, he didn’t last long so his Reign of Terror is low.

Final Rankings (out of 10)
Meanness: 8
Coolness: 6
Reign of Terror: 2
Sexiness: 5
Total Points: 21

TV Guide is now reporting that Reiko Aylesworth, who portrayed the lovely Michelle, has been cast as the new chaplain at County General on ER. She “starts a very intimate, ahem, prayer group with John Stamos’ Gates.”

Losing Michelle is bad; no chance of her coming back from the dead now. But as long as Carlos Bernard remains available, Tony Almeida could still make his triumphant return.

You know it’s true.

This next villain had sex with Audrey Raines and then hung himself.

Name: Walt Cummings
Season: Four and Five
Occupation: Charles Logan’s Karl Rove
First seen: 11:00pm – Day 4
Last Seen: 2:00pm – Day 5
Status: Dead

You know why Audrey liked Walt? He was “well hung“. Get it?

Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Walt however, entered the fray as Vice President Logan’s Head of Security during Season 4. Somehow that later qualified him to become the Chief of Staff in Season 5. Before you question that line of succession, remember we are talking about the show 24.

Anyway, when Walt first appears, he’s trying to curb the constant use of torture that was almost as common in Season 4 as the word “dammit“. Jack Bauer was just trying to abuse the rights of a terrorist and save the world. Walt was worried that allowing this to happen would tarnish the Logan presidency. This, if you watched Season 5, is a really funny joke.

So he has already tried to stop Jack Bauer from torturing a bad guy. Next, he conspired with the secret service to KILL Jack Bauer after Jack Bauer’s raid on the Chinese consulate. Jack Bauer ends up in a shootout and dies, but he was only faking it.

With Jack out of the way, Walt had sex with Audrey. When he asked her “why the long face“, she left him and went to China to look for Jack.

With the opening of the 5th worst day in Jack Bauer’s life, Walt is still working for Logan, but also with a Russian separatist group because the terrorist-as-a-Muslim plot was played out and the writers of 24 needed some other ethnic group with fewer activists.

We learn that Walt had a hand in the deaths of All State spokesman David Palmer and Michelle Dessler. Knowing that Jack would not like the loss of ad revenue from the missing insurance spots, Walt also tried to have him killed (again), this time by the “let’s put a mole in CTU” scheme. It fails and allows Jack puts another notch in his belt. Spense Wolff also put another notch in his belt but for other geekier reasons.

Walt Cummings: No, Mr. President, I am a patriot!

With Jack on his tail, Walt pulls out the infamous WMDs in Central Asia/War for oil speech and the three non-Republican viewers of 24 cheer him on. Logan has Bauer arrested, but he gets out and then pulls a classic Bauer move. Jack pulls a knife and threatens to pop out one of Walt’s eyes. Walt asks him to pop out both so he can rid himself of the image of having sex with Audrey.

Jack Bauer: I’m done talking with you, you understand me? You’ve read my file. The first thing I’m going to do is take out your right eye, and then I’m gonna move over and take out your left, and then I’m going to cut you. I’m gonna keep cutting you until you give me the information that I need. Do you understand me? So for the last time, where is the nerve gas?

Walt is later found hanging in his holding cell. Supposedly Logan had him killed.

Final Rankings (out of 10)
Meanness: 1
Coolness: 2
Reign of Terror: 3
Sexiness: 8
Total Points: 14