Blogs.4Bauer

Apparently, getting stabbed in the abdomen can’t stop Jack Bauer from killing the bad guys, but a little ol’ burst cyst can bring Kiefer Sutherland grinding to a halt.

The Hollywood Reporter says filming has stopped so Sutherland can undergo surgery. They claim the season won’t be disrupted, however.

I have to believe it’s relatively serious, as Kiefer’s always been pretty conscientious about not mucking with the filming schedule. Remember how he spent Christmas in jail just so his sentence wouldn’t interfere with the show’s schedule (not that it ended up mattering because the entire season was postponed due to the writer’s strike).

OK, would someone do a great photoshop job for this post, now? The Man? Adam? Bueller?

Counterpoint: Moooooooooooo!
By Jack Bauer

I was speaking with Audrey in Lower Manhattan about the latest perimeter breach — we were standing on a street corner because I had intel that the building was bugged when a mole came up to eavesdrop.

I’m pretty sure the mole was working with Nina, or maybe even trying to exact revenge for the Drazens, when he dared to say “Hello” to Audrey.

The conversation went down pretty much like this:

Mole: Hello … Audrey.

Audrey: [Gasp!] Eek, Jack! Help me!

Me: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?

Mole: Me? I just … design women’s clothing. Yeah, women’s clothing.

Audrey: Really? Can I get some samples?

Me: Don’t use such a lame cover story! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW! Who’s trying to kill President Palmer??? WHY IS KIM SO STUPID? Teri and I are both smart!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Because there was no wall right there, it was impossible for me to hold him by the neck against a wall, so I headbutted him.

Afterward, Chloe tried to remind me that President Palmer’s already dead, but I explained I was just trying to trick the mole into revealing more information.

I know that Charles Logan is the president now. Sheesh. Everyone keeps thinking I have mad cow or someth – mooooooooooooooooooooo.

Point: You broke my mother f-ing nose, bro.
by Jack McCollough

You probably don’t know me, but my name is Jack McCollough – the famous women’s wear designer.  Laugh all you want, however you’ll never wear my clothes because they are not sold at Lane Bryant or Dress Barn.  Why are you still laughing? 

Well screw you and screw Jack Bauer. Yes, screw you Jack Bauer.  Thanks for breaking my beautiful nose!  While I’m at it, thanks for ruining a nice pair of $1,500 Berluti shoes.  Those aren’t New Balance sneakers Mr. Bauer.

Look, I was just having a good time, talking to Ashley Olsen and Brooke Shields, when out of nowhere – Jack Bauer spins me around and the rest is tabloid history.  So here is how the conversation went down:

Me: Hello Brooke Shields
Brooke Shields: OMG it’s Jack McCollough – world famous women’s wear designer!  
Me: Oh stop it, I’m not famous in Burkina Faso…(wait for it)…yet
(large amounts of laughter)
Jack Bauer then stumbles over and mumbles something about protocols.
Me: Well hello Mr. Bauer
Jack Bauer: Tell me what you know DAMMIT!
Me: The question should be what do I “not” know?
Jack Bauer: You breeched the perimeter, DIDN’T YOU!
Me: What perimeter?  What the hell are you talking about?
Jack Bauer: WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
Me: Running out of time? For what? Is there a Michael Kors sample sale going on?

That’s when Jack Bauer headbutted me and then said I looked like Tobey McGuire.  Really Jack?  Really?  Tobey doesn’t have a broken nose and blood dripping on his leather slippers.  Tell me, how do you get blood of really expensive leather shoes?

Please tell me Jack Bauer, the shoes are not mine.  The owner wants them back and I’m running out of time!

And by “heckles” we naturally mean he ripped the skin from the man’s bones.

Los Angeles – If Jack Bauer cursing you out while you’re trying to play your geetar doesn’t throw you off your game, you must be one bad mutha. That, apparently, was the point when Kiefer Sutherland interrupted fast-fingered acoustic ax man Michael Daves during a gig at the Rockwood Music Hall in Lower Manhattan this week, according to the New York Post.

Immediately thereafter, Jack took an ax to ax man Michael Davies. In fairness, he did send the man’s family a floral arrangement with the mutilated corpse.

Daves took the heckling in stride, saying, “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Which only made Jack Bauer escalate because, you know, that’s what he does: “You mother[bleep]er—you’re the man!”

Recognizing Sutherland, Daves returned fire, saying, “No, you’re the man.”

Jack then bellowed, “We don’t have time for this name-calling, dammit!”

They finally made peace, reportedly screaming together in unison to the crowd, “We are the men!” (H/T – E! Online)

And that was when Jack castrated Davies with a swizzle stick.

Well, not Jack Bauer exactly, but Kiefer Sutherland is the Grand Marshall for today’s Sunoco Red Cross Pennsylvania 500. He was just on ESPN’s race countdown show, and will be making the call to start the race.

DLP®HDTV is teaming up with 20th Century Fox to support the upcoming action thriller, “Mirrors,” in a promotional partnership for the Sunoco Red Cross Pennsylvania 500 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series race Aug. 3 at Pocono Raceway in Long Pond, Pa.

So how would Jack Bauer make “the most famous words in motor sports”?

“Gentlemen, I need to get to Los Angeles in 10 minutes. Start your damn engines.”

Your (better) suggestions can be made in the comments.

I’ll post a video when I find one.

According to Fox, Jack Bauer is going to be one year closer to discounted pancakes at the IHOP when 24 returns this fall.

June 20, 2008 — JACK Bauer will be turning 52 when the popular Fox drama returns next year 

At least, he should be.

When “24” comes back next January, four years will have passed on the series, Fox officials confirmed yesterday.  (NY Post)

Jack Bauer….52?   He’s two years into his AARP membership and we are trusting someone him to save the world?  Fifty-two?  That got me thinking….just how old is Jack Bauer?

-John McCain was only 19 when Jack Bauer was born.
-Jack Bauer is older than Sputnik
-Jack Bauer is older than the Interstate Highway System which he uses to travel across LA in minutes, before it’s creation the same drive would have taken hours.
 -Jack Bauer is older than 14 MLB Baseball teams (Astros, Devil Rays, Marlins, Rockies, Mets, Blue Jays, LA Angels, Brewers, Diamondbacks, Rangers, Royals, Padres, Mariners, Nationals)
-Jack Bauer is older than the first video game. A technology that culminated with 24: the video game.
 -Jack Bauer is older than the Frisbee 
 -Jack Bauer is older than Randy Jackson, dog.
-Jack Bauer is older than video tape
-Jack Bauer is older than the transatlantic telephone cable
-Jack is older than the hard disk drive
-Jack Bauer is older than the Boeing 727 which he landed on a freeway in Season 5
And finally…
-Jack Bauer is older than Kiefer Sutherland

Scotsman Robert Carlyle has been tapped to co-star in the two-hour 24 film set to air in November, so sez British paper, The Sunday Mail.

Carlyle will play Benton, Jack Bauer’s friend and mentor (a better one than Robocop, it would appear) and a former agent who “quit and became a charity worker in Africa,” a story in The Mail said:

An insider said: “Benton is not expected to appear in the seventh season but nothing is set in stone.”
***

A friend of Carlyle said: “Robert has done this kind of role before, so he will be fantastic as Benton. American audiences love Robert’s gritty approach to that sort of character, as do producers.

“It would be great if 24 could find a continuing place for Benton in the seventh series.”

You might know Carlyle from his roles in Trainspotting, The Full Monty or 28 Weeks Later.

P.S.: In Digital Spy, Kiefer promises the best season yet of 24.

After so many postponements, I can assure you that none of us at 24 took for granted the significance of this upcoming season. But the time allowed us to do something that has never been done before – create a map of the entire season before we started shooting. So I can tell you without hesitation, I know for a fact, that Season 7 is going to be the best season yet.

Thank god. I mean, the Season 6 crapapalooza seemed as if no one ever knew what the plot was supposed to be and just kept tossing crap in there.

I mean, who, really, was Josh’s father? What did happen in Denver? (Not that The Jack Sack was any more helpful in answering that, ahem.) The entire season felt as if the writers weren’t sure where to go next and at the last second said, “Whoa! It’d be cool if Morris could get some booze at a liquor store just a few miles from the nuclear blast zone so he could have conflict with Chloe, no?”

If they have a chance to map the whole thing and and bring us a season with continuity and believable situations (relatively speaking, that is) hoo-frakkin’-ray.

Hollywood veteran Donald Sutherland was forced to turn down the chance of playing real life son Kiefer’s fictional dad in hit TV show 24 – because he was too busy.
The actor was tied up working on Fool’s Gold when Kiefer approached him about the role, which ultimately went to Babe star James Cromwell.

Oh come on, Donald Sutherland as Jack Bauer’s father. Like that is even believable.

The 72-year-old- an avid viewer of the action series – says, “He asked me to play his father but I couldn’t because I was doing (Fool’s Gold). That was sad.
“When it turned out I couldn’t do it, I said to Kiefer, ‘Why don’t you have it turn out that James is your stepfather? And then I come in…”

Hell, Jack Bauer as a pissed off step-child? Donald should write for the show, that plot sure beats the hell out of the Africa plot the real writers were toying with. That would also make the subplot of Josh Bauer as his blond lovechild less objectionable. After all, it would mean that it was his step-brother’s wife Jack was messing around with instead of his biological bro’s.

Source: PR-inside

Now that it’s beyond any doubt that 24’s not coming back until next year, it’s time to figure out how to spend our time.

We could drink “24: CTU.” We do, thank goodness, have the writer’s strike substitute right here on B4B. And The Jack Sack is back in FULL swing (what flew out of Adam’s butt? Wait! Don’t answer that.)

But what if  –  perish the thought  — that’s just not enough?

Never fear, fellow lovers of Bauer. I am dedicating my life (just the spare time portion of it) to answering just that question and today I bring it to you in the form of … a comic book!

Yes, just like Season 7 was supposed to, 24: Cold Warriors takes place outside of the comfy confines of Los Angeles.

The 48-page comic book is set at a “remote communications station in Alaska during a huge snow storm where they try to stop a Russian terrorist from Jack’s past who wants to bring down all wireless communications in the U.S.”

Andrew Steven Harris, the “24 editor” for comic book publisher IDW, said the terrorist and his colleagues are former KGB.

They’re so dangerous that after the end of the Cold War, even their own government tried to assassinate them.

EVEN THEIR OWN GOVERNMENT  –  did you read that? Those wacky Russkies.

Want a preview? Well, here’s a link to a blog by the artist. He’s pretty much got Jack down, though I personally think the Chloe likeness could use some work..

So it’s come to this. MADD Canada (Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s Canada branch, the CEO of which is a man. Huh?) wants Ford Motor Co. Canada to fire our boy Kiefer as its spokesvoice in its ad campaign.

I say, so long as you’re not drunk while you’re actually doing the voice-over for the ad, what the hey.

Look, I know folks who’ve died in drunk-driving accidents and I do not mean to make light of the issue at all.

But Kiefer’s actually been pretty stand-up about this. He didn’t beg off, trying to plead not guilty or whine that he shouldn’t serve time. He accepted his sentence and is serving his time. The only concession he originally sought was to have his sentence split so it didn’t inconvenience the rest of the cast and crew of 24. He had until March 30 to start serving, but he willingly went into jail during Christmas to get it over with.

I could think of a lot worse people to be the spokesvoice for my car company, is all I’m saying.

Ford Canada, meanwhile, said it had no plans to change its ads.

Meanwhile, a fan has started an online petition.

And this blog, from the Herald-Dispatch in Huntington, W.Va., reports on rumors in the blogosphere that Kiefer actually had a car coming to pick him up and was just moving his car (as he had been told to). Blogger Angela Henderson points out that it seems rather odd that Kiefer would accept 48 days in jail for something he didn’t really do.

This is the question: WWJBD? (Actually, it’s not, I just wanted to say that and it just seemed to fit here. Sue me.)

Kiefer’s done a series of commercials in Japan for something called “Calorie Mate.”

It’s some sort of snack food (why not just call it “Fat Food” or “Stuff Your Face”?).

Just had to share. Check them out. Full disclosure: I’m not certain I have them in the correct order, but I don’t think it matters too much.

Here’s one:

And here’s links to the others:

Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6

Imagine, if you will, a world where Jack Bauer was not Kiefer Sutherland but rather, say, Ricky Schroeder.

That’d never happen, you scoff. Don’t deny it, I hear you scoffing!

Aha, but that’s the thing. It could have happened (Source.)

Joel Surnow said he “was keen to cast a more youthful actor as lead in the action series.”

But then he met Kiefer, who was a whopping 34 at the time (the Rickster was only 31), and it was all over.

We’d conceived Jack as a guy who had a 16-year-old daughter but was still youthful enough to appeal to the Fox audience, which is skewed towards ‘young.’

Phew! Dodged that bullet. So to speak.

Thanks to Fox for the photo.

Apparently, on the Straight Talk Express this week, John McCain expressed his utter despair over our hero’s impending incarceration.

Carrie Dann from NBC/National Journal was on the bus when McCain exclaimed, “I’m heartbroken. HEARTBROKEN!” and pointed at a TV.

“Sutherland arrested,” read the cable news chyron. McCain shook his head as he rehashed the news that Kiefer Sutherland, the star of the hit action series “24,” will do jail time for a DUI arrest. “My hero, Jack Bauer!” McCain said with mock incredulity.

A reporter quickly pointed out that Jack Bauer might not spend a lot of time in jail.

McCain agreed:

If I know my Jack Bauer, he’s gonna be out of there in a New York minute! I’ve never seen him held captive for more than five minutes in any episode.

Because Kiefer’s just that kind of a standup guy.

He’ll serve 18 days starting Dec. 21 (the day 24 goes on a winter production break); that’s for his probation violation.

As for the 30 days he’ll get for the actual DWI, he can serve that any time before July 1 next year.

This is what Jack Kiefer had to say for himself, in a prepared statement:

I’m very disappointed in myself for the poor judgment I exhibited recently, and I’m deeply sorry for the disappointment and distress this has caused my family, friends and co-workers on ‘24’ and at 20th Century Fox.

More deets here. (Plus, me ranting about what the hell is wrong with stars who actually drive themselves anyway?!?)