Blogs.4Bauer

1. Sorry Janis, those nutjobs at Blogs4Bauer just don’t like you very much.
2. 11000111011100
3. Looks like Obama’s stimulus plan includes $10,000,000,000 for mole employment programs – CTU is back!
4. No, purple makes you look fat AND stupid. Duh.
5. They’re all zombies, grab an ax.

Got other possible captions? Post them in the comments.

If you don’t tune in for Monday night’s LiveBlog, Janis Gold will call your home and bore you to death . . .

Blogs4Bauer – It can save your life!

1:00:00 to 1:13:54
Agent Douche chews out Sarcastic Android for referring to Agent Streetwalker in the past tense as the Planet Mercury looks on… oh, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… But it’s all good because Agent Streetwalker wasn’t dead, she was just taking a dirt nap. Chiggy and Potato Face dig her up and revive her with Zombie Juice. Zombie Streetwalker wants to call her boss at the FBI, but Chiggy won’t let her because any of several moles could give a head’s up to Highlander/Tanneth.

Meanwhile, the Magic Bus pulls into an airplane hangar, Highlander/Tanneth hops out and promptly holds a gun to Jack’s head, drawing a rebuke from Zombie Tony. “Accursed mandrake!” he yells as Jack urges him to “take the shot.” So, Zombie Tony shoots Highlander/Tanneth. Meanwhile, Colonel Lionel Jefferson who is apparently working out of the MSNBC newsroom orders his guy, Tad Huffington IV, to pick up Morgan Freeman and shoot everybody so he can keep his diamonds.

1:18:04 to 1:26:58
So, Jack is persuading Morgan Freeman to trust him and let Potato Face put a secret transmitter in his teeth so he can infiltrate MSNBC headquarters and capture Lionel Jefferson. Morgan Freeman is reluctant, but Mrs. Freeman tells him he has to have courage. To which he replies, “Oh, gee, thanks, Mrs-Couldn’t-Wait-to-Pull-the-Chicken-Switch-in-the-Panic-Room.”

Also, Tanneth lays a guilt trip on Zombie Tony: “How could I ever have suspected a man I convinced to turn traitor to his own government would ever turn on me?” He also tells Zombie Tony to go to hell, which you can tell hurts Tony deeply.

Alfred the Butler is still trying to get President Cankles to “just back the hell off!” Colonel Lionel Jefferson meanwhile sets up two jets, one filled with 250 puppies, the other with 21 kittens, to crash into each other in a spectacular fireball. KA-BOOM!

1:31:12 to 1:36:28

President Cankles meets with her cabinet, who offer this advice. “Madam President, our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot.” Cankles thanks Jimmy Carter for his advice, but says she is not backing down. She leaves, looking concerned and conflicted, holding out hope that Prime Minister Morgan Freeman can be recovered.

“Maybe the First Bald Dude can talk her out of this,” Alfred the Butler decides. “I’ll see if he’s hanging around in that chick’s apartment”

1:40:47 to 1:48:36
Potato Face shows Morgan Freeman the tiny transmitter. “Stand still while I jam this in your mouth.” “That’s what she said,” Morgan Freeman replies. Jack, meanwhile, apologizes to Zombie Streetwalker for shooting her and burying her alive, but also reminds her to count her blessings. “Every other woman I’ve ever liked has ended up dead or with Spam for brains, so, you’re actually doing pretty good.”

Anyway, first Bald First Dude is paralyzed in the apartment while Kevin Bacon acts out “Friday the Thirteenth” in front of him with the Skinny Gretchenish chick.

1:52:56 to 1:59:59
Tad Huffington IV pulls up in a van to pick up Morgan Freeman, claiming he iced Jack and Tanneth. Tad Huffington IV asks where Morgan Freeman is, and Zombie Tony says he’s on ice. Zombie Tony demands to see the ice before he gives up Morgan Freeman. Tony takes the diamonds, Tad’s men try to shoot him, but Zombie Tony and Jack drop them. They let Tad Huffington take Morgan Freeman to MSNBC headquarters.

Meanwhile, First Bald Dude recovers enough from his paralysis to use the Claw of Death to take out Kevin Bacon in a classic railing kill.

And Colonel Lionel Jefferson decides to kill 18,000 Americans by blowing up the Acme Deadly Chemicals plant in Kittenburg, Ohio.

Tck-Tock

10:00:00 to 10:17:38

Note: I’ve been informed by the management of this site that the main character’s name is Bauer, not Merrill. I apologize for any confusion.

As President Cankles discusses withdrawing US troops from Shangrila with Alfred the Butler, she gets a call from Harry Reid telling her the war is lost. “But we haven’t even started fighting yet!” she fumes. Reid then asks her to bail out his state’s vital casino and crime scene investigation industries.

Meanwhile, at the FBI, Zombie Tony is being sexually harassed by Hedorah the Smog Monster — No, wait, that’s just Janeane Garofalo. “Lift up your shirt,” she orders. “OK, I’ll talk,” Zombie Tony instantly pleads.

She leaves and lets Ace Bauer handle the interrogation, which goes something like this:

Ace Bauer: How are you still alive?
Zombie Tony: Brainsssss
Ace Bauer: Where is the flux capacitor?
Zombie Tony: Brainsssss
Ace Bauer: Why are you doing this?
Zombie Tony: Why are *you* doing this?
Ace Bauer: Stop copying me.
Zombie Tony: Brainsssss

Then, they get into a fight after Zombie Tony taunts Ace Bauer about his man-boobs and “girlie man-purse.” As Ace chokes him, Zombie whispers something about “Peach Pie” or “Pink Sky” or “Brainsssss.” Douch pulls Ace off Zombie Tony.

As soon as he is alone, Ace makes a phone call and is surprised to find himself talking to someone doing a Darth Vade impression. Ace: “Chiggy, is that you?” Chiggy:”Yes, Ace, and Potato Face is here, too. You have to break Zombie Tony out of FBI custody.” Ace: “OK, I’m on your side, now.”

10:21:52 to 10:28:44
Meanwhile, back at the subplot I have little interest in, Annoying Bald Guy #2 gets a call from Skinny Gretchen from Prison Break saying she has information about the death of his son.

Chiggy explains to Ace Bauer that Zonbie Tony is under deep cover investigating corruption. High ranking members of President Cankles’s administration are involved. If their cover is blown, they will wind up beside a jogging path in Fort Marcy Park.

10:32:53 to 10:51:52
The lead FBI Douche has taken over the interrogation and shows Zombie Tony some pictures to try to break him:

Douche: “These are the burned bodies of women and children murdered by the people you work for.”
Zombie Tony: “Hey, these are from Waco.”
Douche: “Oops”

The Sarcastic Android is busily tunneling underground and leaving small mounds of dirt when he is approached by the alien lizard captain from Galaxy Quest… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo. He complains about the Level 4 security lockdown. “How am I supposed to do my, um… *job* … yeah, that’s it… my job… with all this security in place? Soon after, a sasquatch in hornrim glasses… no wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo … tells Agent Streetwalker that she almost has the security breach nailed down.
She goes down into the server room and finds out the Sarcastic Android was illegally accessing FAA records, but it’s okay, because he was just checking on the status of Mrs. Sarcastic Android’s flight back from Vegas.

Meanwhile, Ace Bauer and Potato Face have a plan to spring Zombie Tony. Agent Streetwalker comes to Ace’s holding cell with his discharge forms. Ace: “Can I have a hug first?” Streetwalker: “OK… Not so hard… you’re… choking…me.” With Streetwalker on the floor, Ace gets her badge and her gun. He goes down to the holding cell and disables Agent Douche by pummeling him with his moobs, than he swats down the other guard with his man purse. He unlocks Zombie Tony, and they make it out of the holding cell while Potato Face hides their escape from the security cams. But the ruse is discovered by a bitchy, unattractive, talentless actress who made an entire career out of bitching about how unattractive actresses couldn’t get work in Hollywood, who blocks out Potato Face’s hack, regains control of the security cameras, discovers the escape, and activates the Intruder Alert siren.

10:55:25 to 10:59:59

Ace Bauer and Zombie Tony are trapped in the closet with Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R Kelly. Finding a clear stairwell, they try to escape but are cut off. They smash through a window onto a parking garage. The FBI guards fire at them with AK-47s. This being DC, fire is immediately returned by the Crips, the Bloods, the MS-13, and the Anacostia Boys Choir. The FBI is promptly outgunned. Chiggy picks them up in a blue van, and Chiggy promises to explain everything, but first he’s going to swing through a Hardees.

Gee, it’s a good thing the FBI doesn’t have helicopters or anything to follow the van with. “How CONVENIENT.”

11:00:00 to 11:11:56
President Cankles and her advisor, Alfred the Butler, have a frank and open discussion about giving into terrorists. Alfred wants to, but Cankles says she’d rather tdawdle some more.

Back at Chiggy’s hideout, Zombie Tony explains how Highlander brought him back to life using some kind of magic potion or whatnot. He joined Highlander’s Crew of disgruntled former postal workers, dedicated to making money by undermining the government. Then, Zombie Tony discovered that that the genocidal dictator of Shangrila was buying off high ranking officials in the US government with blood diamonds. Annoyed with the way Highlander bought into every trendy fad — first cocaine, then missile components, and then blood diamonds — Zombie Tony began working against him from the inside. He hooked up with Chiggy and Potato Face to make a three-person CTU operation. Ace Bauer agrees that the story makes perfect sense and agrees to help.

Agent Streetwalker heads off to interview the Sniper, and deciding that the interrogation can best be facilitated by an IT support person with no field experience or people skills… she takes along a partially deflated Macy’s parade balloon. No, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo’s ass.

11:26:23 to 11:26:54
So, Zombie Tony calls Highlander and ask if Ace can join the gang. Highlander invites them over to his secret hideout (i.e. his unfinished basement rec room) for a job interview.

Highlander: “What would you bring to the position of armed thug?”
Ace Bauer: “Well, I’m a people person, a self-starter, I work well with minimal supervision.”
Highlander: “Uh, huh. And what areas do you think you need to work harder on?”
Ace Bauer: “I tend to alienate and sometimes kill my family and loved ones because I’m so dedicated to my work.”
Highlander: “You’re hired. There’s just one thing. Before you start, there will be a drug test, and, oh Zombie Tony has to kill you.”

Instead of Tony shooting Ace, Highlander shoots Joe the Plumber for some reason, and welcomes Ace to the team.

11:30:47 to 11:38:40
Sarcastic Android calls the FAA and pretends to be Agent Douche so he can get his wife’s plane on the ground. FAA: “Okay, Agent Douche. What’s the secret code for moving a plane to the front of the line?” Sarcastic Android: “Um, is it, ‘please?’” FAA: “Thank you agent, we’ll have her proceeding to the gate in no time.”

President Cankles tells the Black Guy Who Talks Like Guido Sarducci — Uh, let’s call him, Prime Minister Morgan Freeman — that the Evil Black Guy with the Flux Capacitor — Um, we’ll call him, Lionel Jefferson — has the power to kill thousands of Americans. PM Morgan Freeman ups the ante by saying that Genocidal Dictator Mugatu — is about to send troops into a refugee camp and strangle all the women and children with piano ties unless the Americans stop him. Cankles is upset that Alfred never told her this. Alfred apologizes and offers her a blood diamond.

Meanwhile, Highlander reveals that his plan is to kidnap Prime Minister Morgan Freeman. That’s the job Ace and Tony were recruited for.

11:43:03 to 11:51:06
Agent Streetwalker arrives at the hospital to interrogate the Sniper. “You can come in,” says the nurse on duty. “But you’ll have to leave your shaved orangutan outside… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo.” Knowing she’ll have to complete the interrogation before the Sniper’s lawyer arrive, she sends out the shaved organgutan to stop them. “Hey, guys,” the shaved orangutan says to the lawyers. “Do you have a few minutes to discuss Scientology?” Meanwhile, Streetwalker tortures the Sniper by forcing him to listen to old Air America broadcasts. “You… can’t … do … this…” he gasps. She walks out of the hospital room a few minutes later with everything she needs to know. Meanwhile, the two lawyers are hooked to E-meters getting their O-levels checked.

11:55:33 to 11:59:59
Ace and Zombie Tony bust into the Embassy of East Genocidia and start shootin’ up the place. “Yeeee-haw!” Morgan Freeman and a lady with an elaborate hair-style make for the Panic Room. Ace busts through the dry-wall but finds reinforced cement encasing the chamber. “We have to get in there,” he shouts. “Get me Michael Scofield!”

Tick-Tock

In case you were busy watching the Golden Globes and don’t want to watch it on Hulu, our own VthK has provided the following recap of hours 1 and 2.  

08:00:00 to 08:16:57

OK, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these things, so my memory may be a little fuzzy. Anyway, as we start on Day 7 of Die Hard II 2… um, I mean, 24… and the very first line is “Put that phone away.” Which is ironic because, IIRC, people spend more time talking on phones in ‘24′ than the night shift at Bangalore Customer Support, Inc.

So, anyway, there’s this guy who played a nerdy scientist on Stargate SG-1, and he’s driving his daughter to school when he gets caught in the middle of an Allstate product placement. Except instead of Dennis Haysbert telling him he’s in good hands, he gets captured by terrorists. The terrorist have this device that enables them to take over everything in the USA. But they recently upgraded to Vista and it’s no longer compatible. They need Stargate Scientist Guy to make it work.

Meanwhile, the main character… the blond guy with the anger management problem … gosh what is his name? I can’t remember but heplayed Ace Merrill in Stand By Me. Anyway, Ace Merrill is getting ragged on by Senator Red Foreman. We also learned CTU has been disbanded. It’s been a while, but I seem to recall CTU was some kind of rhythm and blues band. Anyway, Red Foreman, wants to know why Ace Merill tortured some guy, and Ace says that it was to save a busload of schoolchildren and kittens. “Think of the kittens!” Ace thunders at Red Foreman, then threatens to torture the smug look off his ass-face.

Then, Ace gets pulled out of the meeting by an FBI agent who, like Red Foreman, is a redhead but way more attractive. Ace promises to come back the next morning… i.e. 24 hours later. So, he really has a time limit this time. The redheaded agent is identified as Renee “Street” walker.  Streetwalker isn’t actually that hot, but next to Janeane Garofalo and President Cankles, she looks like Melissa Theriau.

Then I got confused because the scene switched to the FBI and at first I thought the ugly Stargate Scientist guy was talking to a sarcastic android. Then I realized it wasn’t the stargate scientist again, it was Janeane Garofalo. A bunch of other sub-plots were also introduced. President Cankles got her some jungle fever, and wants to invade Africa. Some bald guy who was either the VP or her husband is obsessing over the death of his son. Some douche of an FBI agent was strongly disapproving of Ace’s methods.

08:21:24 to 08:45:00

So, anyway, Streetwalker tells Ace Merrill that domestic terrorists have a device that will allow them to take over all infrastructure and wreak havoc on the government to teach them a lesson for dragging their feet on HDTV implementation. The leader of the terrorists is an old friend of Ace’s. Ace doesn’t believe it. “Tony’s dead. I saw it.” Streetwalker rolls her eyes. “You have to destroy the brain.”

Anyway, so Stargate Scientist Guy tells them to do a ctrl-alt-del and install new drivers, and now the device works fine. So, Zombie Tony is gonna go all Die Hard II on air traffic control, and the scene cuts away to a full 767 getting ready to take-off with some cute androgynous munchkin in the front row.

Meanwhile, President Cankles is watching reports of 200,000 people killed in Africa and regrets ever subscribing to The Genocide Channel. The Joint Chiefs are on-board with the invasion, but the Secretary of State… another bald dude… is wetting his pants submissively. That’s like three annoying bald dudes so far… Red Foreman, the SecState, and SubPlot Guy. Anyway, the FAA — showing far more competence than any other Federal Agency in history — has detected the intrusion into its system and wants to ground flights. But Cankles says not yet, she has to short sell her airline stocks first.

So, anyway, Ace is working with the sarcastic android to see if they can track down Zombie Tony. Then, Streetwalker gets attacked by a mutant rottweiler… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo talking about some chick stuff I guess. I don’t know. Then, Agent Douchebag tells Streetwalker to keep Ace on a short leash. “OK, if he’s into that,” she replies.

Anyway, the Sarcastic Android has helped Ace find one of his and Zombie Tony’s old contacts, named Sphincter, who not only happens to deal in Technology That Let’s You Take Over The World, but has also relocated from LA LA to DC. As the Church Lady would say, “How CONVENIENT!”

8:49:51 to 08:59:59

So, Ace and Streetwalker go to Sphincter’s office. Sphincter refuses to cooperate until Ace grabs a ballpoint pen and threatens to write “I Am Sphincter Boy” on Sphincter’s forehead. But before he can spill his guts, Sphincter gets shot by a sniper in the abdomen and starts spilling his guts, although not in a useful way. And the hour ends with Ace and Streetwalker chasing after the sniper.

09:00:00 to 09:10:52

So, Streetwalker and Bruce Willis — I mean Ace Merrill — are trying to catch the sniper and they got him trapped in a building. Streetwalker calls for back-up. Ace figures there must be a mole at the FBI, and he begins teaching his young padawan how to use the Force… the Force of completely distrusting all of your co-workers. I mean, Emperor Palpatine did have a mole at the Jedi Temple. I wonder if this means we’ll get a scene of Sarcastic Android slaughtering the younglings. I am pretty sure his character fantasizes about that. 

Anyway, then there’s a scene in which a rotting, putrifying moose carcass … no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo … reports to Agent Douchebag that the terrorists are now fully inside the system and there’s nothing the FBI can do to stop them.

Anyway, Zombie Tony has put the plane with the cute youngling on board (and probably a cargo hold full of orphaned kittens) on a collision course with another plane. But at the last minute, he wusses out and deprives the audience of much-needed carnage.

09:16:32 to 09:28:38

So, anyway, Streetwalker makes Ace wait in the car while she and the other agents seal off the building the sniper is hiding in. She cracks the window for him and leaves him a squeaky toy. A Magic Negro appears and absolves Ace Merrill of his sins. Then, Ace asks about Agent Streetwalker. “Oh, yeah, baby, she understands what it takes to get the job done IYKWIMAITTYD.” And just in case Ace doesn’t, the Magic Negro mimes the sound of a porn movie bass guitar.

 So, Zombie Tony passes off the Plot Device and the ugly scientist to a guy who looks like what would happen if a transporter accident merged Pierce Brosnan and John Kerry into one squinty, French-looking being with Rod Blagojevich hair. He turns out to be working with the Genocidal dictator of that African country President Cankles is all hot to invade. I’m almost sure the transporter accident guy played a system lord on SG-1. (For that matter, I also think President Cankles played the president on Space: Above and Beyond … but looking that up would also mean admitting I watched Space: Above and Beyond.) OK, checked his website, no SG-1 reference, but he did play an immortal on Highlander. Anyway, President Cankles meets with the other African guy who is the opposition leader against the genocidal dictator, but for some reason talks like Father Guido Sarducci. Why couldn’t they just have hired Mr. Eko from Lost? 

So, anyway, another annoying bald guy (This makes Number 4) shows up and helps the sniper escape from the building the FBI has “sealed off.” There’s also this other FBI guy who has a buzzcut and is always advising the president of this or that, but I only mention him to bookmark him as a Mole candidate.

 09:31:22 to 09:42:40

 So, Ace gets out of the car to “get some air.” And just as he does, the Sniper in the borrowed FBI vest walks by. (“How CONVENIENT!”) Ace notices his shoes are not standard FBI issue, but instead appear to be Stride-Rite pumps. He alerts Streetwalker and convinces her to leave the building and discreetly follow the assassin, but not to tell the FBI because “they’ll just screw things up.”

The FBI lead, agent Douchebag, finds out they’ve left the scene, and asks the turd-creature from “Weird Science” — no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo again — to figure out a way to track Agent Streetwalker and Ace.

 And then, in that other subplot, Annoying Bald Guy Number 2 roughs up some fairly-hot chick who kind of looks like Gretchen from ‘Prison Break’ after six months of Slim Fast, and she just got $400,000 wired into an off-shore account, but still works in telemarketing. He was gonna go all Ike Turner on her, but his driver intervened. I’m sure they’ll be back, but the show’s already about two subplots past my attention span.

 09:48:38 to 09:59:59

 So, Ace and Streetwalker follow the Sniper to the docks (which Streetwalker has worked many a time). Streetwalker gives Ace a gun. They beat the crap out of the sniper then shoot out a surveillance camera. As they walk up to the boat they think Zombie Tony is in, the sniper gets shot (ironically) by the crew of Tony’s board (Isaac, Doc, and Gopher.) So, Ace and Streetwalker shoot-up the boat. Streetwalker finds a laptop, but it’s deleting all the files on its hard drive.

Gawdam Vista. 

And Ace is trying to find Zombie Tony, but ZT pulls the old “Hide behind the pilot house door” trick and hits Ace in the face. Then, they beat the crap out of each other for the remaining few minutes of the program until Agent Douchebag shows up in a helicopter.

Tick-Tock

Yeah, I know some of us at Blogs4Bauer have been accused of being right-wing Hitlerites, but this story could no go on without comment.

Garofalo Backs Rather, Declares Petraeus ‘Dishonest…He Is Betraying Us’

Friday night on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, “actress/comic” Janeane Garofalo asserted she has “no doubt” that, on the Bush National Guard story, “there were executives at CBS that folded under right wing coercion” and she endorsed MoveOn.org’s ad which maligned General David Petraeus as “General Betray Us.” The tattooed Garofalo, who has joined the cast of Fox’s 24, charged: “Petraeus has been dishonest” and “is betraying us.”

GAROFALO: First of all, General Petraeus has been dishonest. That is sort of the role of a soldier like that, they, just like General Westmoreland and the 5 o’clock reports in Vietnam. Of course they are dishonest. That’s what they do. And the thing is is to pretend that it’s MoveOn.org that has the problem, and that the mainstream media allows that nonsense to continue. Yet, he is betraying us and I don’t know why there aren’t more brave Democrats who will say, “yeah, he is.” (H/T – NewsBusters)

Please, let Janeane Garofalo’s character die by Jack Bauer’s hand. Please?

I wonder if there are any openings over at Blogs4Heroes?

Here’s the skinny from the official FOX press release:

Emmy nominee Janeane Garofalo (“The Larry Sanders Show”) joins the cast of “24″ as “Janis Gold,” an FBI systems analyst assigned to the team investigating the crisis befalling Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) and company in the upcoming Season Seven.

The press release also claims there will be “compelling new elements” to Season 7.

So let the speculation begin as to what on earth that means.

Hi Blogs4Bauer! I promise to be your BFF! Don’t you love my shoes?

Photo by Associated Press photographer Gus Ruelas.

Boy have we got some exciting casting news for Season 7 of 24 to tell you about! It looks like the Fox has signed a comedian to join the cast. Who could it be?

Actress-comedian Janeane Garofalo, an outspoken liberal, is set to co-star on the conservative-leaning real-time drama. (Source)

What?

Was Carrot Top busy?

In case you were wondering, this is how I feel right now.

Coming Soon: Other Comedians and their potential roles on 24.

Added: For more on this puke-inducing bit of news see Hugh Hewitt, SYLG, No Runny Eggs, Political Vindication, and Scrapple Face.