Blogs.4Bauer

Digital Spy reports that 24 could be moving to NBC from Fox.  This makes my dream of watching a 24-Office mash-up closer to reality.

Jack Bauer spending 24 hours at Dunder Mifflin…oh the possibilities.

She could do a PSA on mutant killer genital herpes and still be hot doing it.

Not only did Jack Bauer have to deal with children soldiers, the UN, and African warlords.  He also had to deal with cameramen dressed as ninjas.  

ClickHere -> Camera Fail to watch the clip.

(hat tip to “The_3rd_Option” for calling this out in the liveblog comments)

Come back tonight at 8pm for live recaps of all the 24 Redemption action.

In the meantime – post your bet on the number of points will rack up tonight here.  Go Jets.

7:06

54 minutes until Jack is back!  Fox should be ashamed for keeping Jack Bauer off the TV for so long.  See what happens when Jack isn’t out killing terrorists!  Jack goes dormat – the executives of AIG raid the company.  Jack is off TV – Somali pirates hijack boats without fear of reprisal.  Do I even need to remind you that if Jack was in Georgia – the country not the Peach State – Russia would have left them the hell alone.

Well I want blood.  So until then – check out what we were up to while 24 was off the air.

24 Writers Strike Substitute
Stuff Jack Bauer Likes
a Picture of Kim Bauer
Talk Like Jack Bauer Day
The writers strike and you
The top villains of 24
A picture of Moon Bloodgood (our most trafficked post ever)

7:59:59…8:00:00pm

Jack is back!

Ok Season 6.5 opens up on an African school bus.  Wait no, they are 10 year old alcoholic soldiers.  Worst army ever.

What is this African Children of the Corn?

The following takes place between 3 and 5 pm.

While we wait for Jack to start killing dudes – let me tell you what I had to do in order to get my wife to allow me to watch 24 and post for 2 hours.  I had to watch Clueless AND My Big Fat Greek Wedding on TBS.

“You have a daughter”  “Yes, but she’s a moron”

Willie stole Jack Bauer’s knife and lived to see the 4th grade.  Jack is going soft.

Jack just got served.  We are fighting 2 wars, the economy is in the shitter and the government wants to serve legal papers to Jack Bauer.

What’s the colonel going to invade? Chuck E Cheese?

It’s always bad news when the bossman asks you to burn files and bury the ashes.

COME ON JACK – give me a “dammit” or something!

“DAMMIT” +1 point

The last few seasons of 24 have all started the same.  Jack Bauer tries to escape trouble…and trouble finds Jack Bauer.  Instead of LA – it’s Sengala.

Oh God – they have to play soccer. Africa is worse than I thought.

BANG BANG Recess is over!

3:21….Did they go 21 minutes without a commercial?

Commercial Break
I’d rather start an army of children in Africa than spend $30,000 on a Hyundai.
Homeless rich people…how low will Fox go (do I need to ask)?

3:26

WHAT?  A Hyundai tie-in.  Really Fox?  Are times that tough?

Madame President meet Caged Weasel.  24 Really jumped the shark on that one, we will call her Sarah Halin.

The Vice President did warn us that the new president would face a crisis if we elected them.

Female presidents always try to start conflicts.  In Commander in Chief – MacKenzie Allen almost started a nuclear war in more than one episode.  She invaded another country before the real president started to decompose.

Don’t worry little Mutombo – this show is called 24, I will be back to shoot some dudes.

Sprint Tie-in.  Nextel.  “I am going to save your kids, did I mention the reception on these Nextel phone is really clear”

Gloc – that’s a tie-in I can get behind!

Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1

Cardinal rule of 24 Villains – kill Jack Bauer when you have a chance.

3:44 – Commercial Break

I’d rather buy a $30kHyundai than watch Transporter 3 (aka Audi commercial with shooting).

Kill Counter = 11 points (10 kills, 1 Dammit)

3:49

This fancy eye-glass wearing side-burned scumbag has to go down.

Jack Kills a Dude +1

With his thighs of steel…don’t piss off Jack Bauer.   But what what was up with the guy and the rear-view mirror?

The UN is a worthless bunch.  Fox is not breaking any new ground there.

3:56 – Commercial Break

Hyundai Genesis – still a Hyundai…

Fringe – best new show on Fox (which isn’t saying much) but still a good show.

4:00 – Hour 2

24 always has more squirrley white dudes than a WWE event.

You know what I’m missing right about now?  That CTU ring tone.

HEY it’s General Rerun!

4:07 -  Commercial Break

21 minutes for the first commercial break – 7 minutes for this one.

Kill Counter Update = 12 points (11 kills, 1 Dammit)

I’d rather watch the new Adam Sandler movie than drive a Hyundai.  I saw that car at the NY Auto show – it is ugly…and a Hyundai.

Baby Ebay commercial – I just lost my diapers in the stock market.  Damn you AIG!!!

4:12

The nuke codes in the hands of a chick.  We are doomed.

Did that guy just take Jack’s “we don’t have enough time” line?

Helicopter – I sense a 5 pointer.

4:17 – Another freaking commercial break.

I’d rather watch Tom Cruise’s new movie than drive a…no, I’d drive a Hyundai before seeing that movie.

ZOMBIE Tony sighting (season 7 sneak peek).

4:21

Helicopter is in the air, which means it’s closer to being shot down by Jack Bauer.

Computer geeks are not the same when they are not Chloe.

Torture scenes are not the same when Jack Bauer isn’t involved.

4:27 Commercial Break.  Really Fox?

You can buy 24: Redemption on Tuesday.  It comes on a really small DVD because it’s only 16 minutes long without the Hyundai and movie commercials.

Kill Counter Update = 12 points (11 kills, 1 Dammit)

4:31 (or 6 minutes to another commercial)

Jack has shot a lot of African guys.  What does Jack have against black people?  If CAIR was upset about Jack killing Muslims, I bet Al Sharpton has already called the Fox studios.  Twice.

Only Jack can shoot down a helicopter with a handgun.

The kid runs back for a scarf that was originally going to Kim Bauer – and ends up screwing things up.  Once again, Kim Bauer finds a way to ruin Jack Bauer’s day.

“There’s no time Jack”…stealing Jack’s lines…that’s a death sentence.  Mr. Benton is deadmeat – no homework tonight!

Russian mine – probably won’t go off.  Nevermind.

4:40 – Commercial Break

malarianomore.org – the only commercial worth a damn.  Even though the site has crashed.

4:46

Willie!  Mr. Benton had blue eyes.  One blew there…one blew there.

Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1
Jack Kills a Dude +1

The old Jack Bauer would have capped the kid.

Kill Counter Update = 15 points (14 kills, 1 Dammit)

Who are you?  He’s Jack “mother farking” Bauer.  Now open the gate.

DAMMIT +1

DAMMIT +1

That greaseball is going to get his.

4:59….5:00

Final Kill Counter Update = 17 points (14 kills, 3 Dammits)

Season 7 Preview

-Tony’s back – Chloe’s back.  Dude from Sons of Anarchy.  Explosions and an uzi.  I cannot wait.

So what did you think?

My thoughts.  I thought it was good.  When I heard Jack was going to be in Africa – I expected that Season 6 was not the worst that Fox could offer.  However this 2 hour installment was pretty good.  There was some old-school Jack Bauer shooting, and a few “dammits”.  I could have done without the filler with the junkie and would have liked fewer commercials.

The previews for Season 7 has me pumped up for January.  I said to myself that I wouldn’t waste my time blogging for Bauer if it meant sitting through another crappy season.  Last season was really hard to watch (and even harder to blog about).

Whatever we post about – we are all fans of 24 and want Fox to let Jack be Jack.  Hopefully we can just put Season 6 out of our memory (sort of like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom).  So stay tuned to Blogs4Bauer as we all gear up for Zombie Tony’s return in January.  If Jack Bauer can come back from the dead (twice), Tony can do it at least once.

Dear Fox,

Please stop adding guest stars for the upcoming season.  Rumors have it that Julia Roberts is going to guest star alongside Jack Bauer.  Enough already.  Who’s next?  The entire cast of Friends?  Brett Farve? Pee-wee Herman?

Seriously, you have a top-notch cast and sub-par writing.  Guess which one the fans want you to work on?

On that note, don’t put Jack Bauer in Africa unless he’s there to knock off Audrey.

Thanks,

Blogs4Bauer

According to Fox, Jack Bauer is going to be one year closer to discounted pancakes at the IHOP when 24 returns this fall.

June 20, 2008 — JACK Bauer will be turning 52 when the popular Fox drama returns next year 

At least, he should be.

When “24” comes back next January, four years will have passed on the series, Fox officials confirmed yesterday.  (NY Post)

Jack Bauer….52?   He’s two years into his AARP membership and we are trusting someone him to save the world?  Fifty-two?  That got me thinking….just how old is Jack Bauer?

-John McCain was only 19 when Jack Bauer was born.
-Jack Bauer is older than Sputnik
-Jack Bauer is older than the Interstate Highway System which he uses to travel across LA in minutes, before it’s creation the same drive would have taken hours.
 -Jack Bauer is older than 14 MLB Baseball teams (Astros, Devil Rays, Marlins, Rockies, Mets, Blue Jays, LA Angels, Brewers, Diamondbacks, Rangers, Royals, Padres, Mariners, Nationals)
-Jack Bauer is older than the first video game. A technology that culminated with 24: the video game.
 -Jack Bauer is older than the Frisbee 
 -Jack Bauer is older than Randy Jackson, dog.
-Jack Bauer is older than video tape
-Jack Bauer is older than the transatlantic telephone cable
-Jack is older than the hard disk drive
-Jack Bauer is older than the Boeing 727 which he landed on a freeway in Season 5
And finally…
-Jack Bauer is older than Kiefer Sutherland

In 6 days, Jack Bauer has saved the world, been taken hostage, prevented the assassination of a president, helped bring down a corrupt president, been tortured, gave out plenty of torture, defused bombs, weeded out moles, watched many friends die, killed a few friends, witnessed a nuclear blast or two, shot his boss in the head, landed a 727 on a LA freeway, shot down a helicopter with a handgun, almost caused a war with China, reunited with his bastard son, cut off the hand of his daughter’s boyfriend…and in order to keep this post brief, I just to named a few.

When he’s done saving the day, Jack likes to sit back and watch New Amsterdam on Fox.

Surely you are thinking that Jack prefers something a little more low-brow like American Gladiators. No, Jack gets a kick out of the adventures of the immortal New York Detective John Amsterdam.

For those of you who are not familiar with the show (and judging by the ratings, that’s pretty much all of you) John Amsterdam was a Dutch soldier in New York way back in 1642. He saved the life of some Native American girl who in turn put a spell on him that gave him eternal life (until he finds true love). Which makes you wonder why she didn’t just cast the spell on herself and live forever to watch her native land develop into a haven for trust-fund babies and news anchorwomen who like to drop the F-bomb on live TV. Girl, you sold the whole island for a handful of beads, now a 500 sq ft. studio goes for over $2k a month.

So while Jack Bauer has had 6 really bad days, he’s able to wrap things up each season in about 24 hours. Amsterdam has been working on his love issue for going on 366 years! Jack thinks that’s cute. However there is one area that Amsterdam has Jack Bauer beat. During the whole season of Amsterdam…he didn’t go to the bathroom once. Jack admits that holding it for coming up on 400 years is impressive.

Sadly, New Amsterdam was canceled by Fox. This fall, Jack Bauer will have to chill out by checking out the hot Terminator chick or seeing if he’s smarter than a 5th grader.

Other Stuff Jack Bauer Likes
#1 – Cellular Telephones
#2 – Awesome Action Figures of Jack Bauer

Note: This is a blatant ripoff of my second favorite website Stuff White People Like

If you know of other things Jack Bauer likes, post them in the comments or send us an email.

“24,” missing this season because of the three-month writer’s strike, will finally begin its seventh season in January, settling back into its usual 9-10 p.m. Monday time slot. To bridge the long gap between agent Jack Bauer’s Day Six and Seven, Fox will air a two-hour prequel special at 8 p.m. Sunday, Nov. 23. (Source)

Jack Bauer returns to face the longest 2 hours (including commercial breaks) of his life this November!

Who is this “Jack Bauer” you ask?

For those of you who forgot, Jack Bauer is the protagonist of the Fox television series 24. Bauer is a member of a highly inept operation called CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit). CTU’s main role is to get in the way of Jack Bauer as he works his way through plot twists, love triangles, terrorists, and the occasional family member(s). Bauer is so good at his job, he is able to end any terrorist threat in or just under 24 hours. He’s also known to regularly avoid traffic, bathrooms, and bullets.

Jack Bauer once strangled a terrorist with a cordless phone. Jack doesn’t try to win the hearts and minds of terrorists, he rips them out and stores them in his locker. Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass, all he found inside was a mirror. Bauer is not word, it is a sentence…A death sentence.

Finally, Jack Bauer killed RoboCop. Chew on that.

The poll on Fox’s 24 page asks users which character they would like to see return with Jack Bauer for Season 7 of 24.  I chose Chloe and was amazed that she came in either third or second, depending on how you look at the results.

According to the poll, Karen Harris’ 25% gets a larger portion of the bar chart than Chloe’s 38% and is even with Bill’s 50%.

Also, for all of you who slept through Basic Statistics (or who work at Fox), the total of this chart should equal 100%, not 122%.  Unless Jack Bauer voted, his votes count twice.

Check it out, the promo shot of the Season 7 cast and Jack Bauer. I guess Zombie Tony is in the background, climbing out of his grave at Arlington National Cemetery. Brains. Wait, is that Tony to the …ehh left no right of Jack?

Let me go on record as saying this is the worst Photoshopped picture to hit the intertubes since the kid on top of the World Trade Center with the airplane behind him.

UPDATE, from AmyV: I see I was beaten to the punch on this, but I can still provide some detail. Here’s the rest of the cast from the photo, from left to right:

• Rhys Coiro, as FBI agent Sean Hillinger

• Janeane Garofalo, as FBI agent Janis Gold.

• Jeffrey Nordling, as FBI agent Larry Moss

• Annie Wersching, as FBI agent Renee Walker

• Carlos Bernard, as Tony Almeida, newly returned from the dead and really pissed off about it.

• James Morrison, as Bill Buchanan (with a beard!)

• Mary Lynn Rajskub, as Chloe O’Brian, hair darker than ever

• Colm Feore, as first gent Henry Taylor

• Cherry Jones, as President Allison Taylor

• Bob Gunton, as SecDef Ethan Kanin

According to the Hollywood Reporter, 24 co-creator/executive producer Joel Surnow is leaving the show.

Surnow’s departure is effective immediately. He served as an executive producer on the first eight episodes of the real-time thriller’s seventh season that were produced before and into the strike but will not be creatively involved in the remaining 16 episodes, slated to begin filming shortly.

Other Projects Mr. Surnow is rumored to be working on include:

• 12 – Where the protagonist is a woman and therefore twice as efficient as Jack Bauer.
• 48 – Just like 24, but (you know) the show is twice as long.
• Untitled - A group of federal agents in LA do nothing while a major American city is nuked.
• Teams of Destiny – The true story of how the New England Patriots and Hillary Clinton took 2008 by storm.

Got any other projects you can suggest for Joel?  Post them in the comments.

Viewer discretion is advised.

tck….tck….tck……

Get used to the fact that Fox’s new season of 24 is just not going to happen any time soon. Blame the booze, the strike, your cat, but don’t blame us. Blogs4Bauer is proud to present the first of 24 original episodes of 24. You won’t see this on Fox unless their lawyers do.

We hope you enjoy the special double-episode premier of parts 1 and 2 of our series; we’ll post another episode every Monday at 9pm EST.

The Place: CTU – Los Angeles
The Time: Present
(click to enlarge)

Episode 1

Previously on the Blogs.4Bauer Writers-Strike Substitute for 24
Tension mounts at CTU as Potatoes O’Brian and the new CTU Director discuss the latest threat to our country that needs to be dealt with over a period of exactly 24 hours. O’Brian has discovered that Terrorist masterminds have been planning their next diabolical plot using LOLCats to send messages to their sleeper cells.

One particular coded message states the target….Detroit. CTU-Los Angeles then springs into action, plotting where to go for lunch.

Episode 2

Next week on the Blogs.4Bauer Writers-Strike Substitute for 24
Panic spreads as CTU-Los Angeles cannot decide on lunch. Oh, and Detroit inches closer to being nuked.

Do you have an idea on how the story should unfold, post a comment and we may include it in a future episode.

They told you that there was no more CTU.
They told you 24 was on hold.
They lied.

Are you tired of the writers telling you what you can and cannot watch?  Then join us Monday night at 8pm EST at Blogs4Bauer where we’ll host the exclusive premier of the Writers-Strike Substitute for 24. 

Why did we produce a Writers-Strike Substitute for 24, you ask?  Well Fox rejected our script for Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

  (Scene opens, a farm in New Jersey circa 1703) 
 (Enter Terminator with the “dom dom dom” music) 
Terminator: Are ye Ezekiel Connor?
 Ezekiel Connor: Yay, I am.
BANG.

The End

Spread the word: 24 returns tomorrow night!

Since 2007 the first Monday of the new season of 24 has always been known worldwide as Talk Like Jack Bauer Day. Despite the fact that there’s not technically a new season of 24 on Monday, we are going to continue the tradition anyway. Dammit, it was supposed to be the first Monday of 24 and we’re not going to start a Talk Like Sarah Connor Day…even though it would be hard to distinguish the two.

That brings us to an interesting question. What would the difference be between Talk Like Jack Bauer Day and Talk Like Sarah Connor Day? You know, besides having to feather your hair and walk around in acid-washed jeans like Sarah Connor. Here’s how you would need to handle yourself in various situations on both TLJBD and TLSCD:

Co-worker: Hey man. Did you already get breakfast?
Jack Bauer: I killed 3 terrorists, defused a bomb, and saved a kitten. Does it sound like I’ve had time to eat breakfast yet, Dammit?
Sarah Connor: Do you think I’m stupid? The robots are coming to kill us all and you want me to grab an Egg McMuffin?

Boss: Hey, where are the reports I asked for?
Jack Bauer: (pull out stapler, move towards boss) I think the question you should be asking yourself is how are you going to read the reports after I staple your eyelids to the desk!
Sarah Connor: 3 billion human lives ended on August 29th, 1997! All because you asked for a report….a report with pie charts!

Boss: Your actions and comments today have led to this, you’re fired!
Jack Bauer: Let’s just get one thing straight, I don’t work for you any more.
Sarah Connor: No, you’re terminated, sucker!

Do you know of any differences between Talk Like Jack Bauer Day and Talk Like Sarah Connor Day? Post them in the comments.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – Sunday 1/13 8pm -Fox