Kevlar Ballistic Helmet: $300
Box of Surgical Sutures: $45
Yelling at Jack Bauer: Deadly
If Kim Bauer running after a bad guy – who was hiding in the most unsecure baggage claim ever didn’t do it, if Jack Bauer landing a 727 on an LA Freeway didn’t do it, if Jack Bauer touring Africa didn’t do it, then the people behind 24 may have found a way to get you to finally turn off 24. Freddie Prinze Jr. will join the cast next season.
I will say it again to let it sink in.
Freddie Prinze Jr. will join the cast next season. He’ll play Davis Cole who may or may not be upset because his name is actually two last names.
That shriek is either your 13 year old daughter and/or Andrew Sullivan.
Personally, I’ve been watching 24 since Day 1-Hour 1 so it’d take a lot more to stop me from turning in for the Jack Bauer Power Hour. However if Adam Lambert joins the cast, I’m out.
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There are some television shows that are so prolific, so amazing, so utterly daring that you would be an absolute imbecile to miss it. This isn’t really one of them, but we’d really like you to check it out anyway.
Will the Phoenix Suns benefit from the Shaq trade, will Hillary waterboard Gloria Steinem in her basement, can CTU LA and CTU Milwaukee put their differences behind them and work together to save Detroit? Find out the answer to at least one of these tonight on The Blogs.4Bauer 24 Writers-Strike Substitute.
Miss the adrenaline surge you used to get from watching an episode of 24 each week?Sure, youâ€™re going to have to wait another freakinâ€™ year for more Jack Bauer & Co., but if you travel to Britain, you can buy â€œ24 CTU,â€ â€œa new citrus-flavored stimulation drink brand.â€
I mean, this says it all:
“This deal is the single largest European brand statement so far for Fox and the ’24′ property,” says Carl Lumbard, SVP & Managing Director of Fox Licensing and Merchandising, Europe. “Brand synergy within a partnership is key to the success of a product, and it’s essential to focus on making that partnership right. Here we see the all-action, intense nature of the ’24′ series matched with an energy-inducing stimulation drink.”
Itâ€™s from Cott Corp., â€œone of the worldâ€™s largest non-alcoholic beverage companiesâ€ offers the drink in both regular and diet, natch.
The drinkâ€™s cans hold 44cl (hey, itâ€™s in metrics, because itâ€™s not the U.S., get over it).
This doesnâ€™t, however, address the issue of whether anyone on the show ever actually drinks.
Or eats. Or takes a piss.
Drink too many of these and that last one could be come quite a problem.
It could, however, come in handy on the next Talk Like Jack Bauer Day, to get your energy level up there.
By the way, did anyone tell these folks that CTU’s been disbanded and is not going to be in Season 7?
Partially cross-posted on Remote Access.Â
Viewer discretion is advised.
Get used to the fact that Fox’s new season of 24 is just not going to happen any time soon. Blame the booze, the strike, your cat, but don’t blame us. Blogs4Bauer is proud to present the first of 24 original episodes of 24. You won’t see this on Fox unless their lawyers do.
We hope you enjoy the special double-episode premier of parts 1 and 2 of our series; we’ll post another episode every Monday at 9pm EST.
The Place: CTU – Los Angeles
The Time: Present
(click to enlarge)
Previously on the Blogs.4Bauer Writers-Strike Substitute for 24
Tension mounts at CTU as Potatoes O’Brian and the new CTU Director discuss the latest threat to our country that needs to be dealt with over a period of exactly 24 hours. O’Brian has discovered that Terrorist masterminds have been planning their next diabolical plot using LOLCats to send messages to their sleeper cells.
One particular coded message states the target….Detroit. CTU-Los Angeles then springs into action, plotting where to go for lunch.
Next week on the Blogs.4Bauer Writers-Strike Substitute for 24
Panic spreads as CTU-Los Angeles cannot decide on lunch. Oh, and Detroit inches closer to being nuked.
Do you have an idea on how the story should unfold, post a comment and we may include it in a future episode.
They told you that there was no more CTU.
They told youÂ 24 was on hold.
Are you tired of the writers telling you what you can and cannot watch?Â Then join us Monday night at 8pm ESTÂ at Blogs4Bauer where we’ll host the exclusive premier of the Writers-Strike Substitute for 24.Â
Why did we produce a Writers-Strike Substitute for 24, you ask?Â Well Fox rejected our script for Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
Â (Scene opens, a farm in New Jersey circa 1703)Â
Â (Enter Terminator with the “dom dom dom” music)Â
Terminator: Are ye Ezekiel Connor?
Â Ezekiel Connor: Yay, I am.
Spread the word: 24 returns tomorrow night!
Historically on Blogs4Bauer, you would be getting ground-breaking commentary about the upcoming season of 24. However, with the writer’s strike we are forced to fall back on comparing the 2008 presidential candidates with people on 24. It this keeps up we’ll resort to posting racy pictures of Kim Bauer and Moon Bloodgood.
With the Logans out of the picture, it gets more difficult. Here’s the next 2008-24 comparison.
Who: One managed a dysfunctional organization hellbent on running itself into the ground, the other told Chloe she has a personality disorder.
The first thing I thought made these two similar was the fact that both have above average…No, superb leadership and management skills. Romney took the reins of the Salt Lake Olympics and turned a profit. He also had his hands full as governor of Massachusetts raising taxes and leading the Red Sox to two World Series titles.
Bill (aka Chiggy Killer) took over the reins of CTU from Ryan Chappelle who was shot by in the head by Jack Bauer. He worked hard and kept CTU running through the infamous nerve gas attack, Jack’s fake death, moles, a possible sexual harassment case, Jack’s return from China, the nuke, and finally for all his hard work he was fired. By his wife. The CTU softball team also won 2 Softball championships thanks in part to the play of Jack Bauer at 3rd base.
Bill and Mitt both have names that contain only 4 letters that end in double-consonants as well as the same hair.
Next up: Barack Obama
Have any suggestions for the candidates-24 comparison? Post them in the comments.
Blogs4Bauer has ranked the hottest women of 24, now we’re looking at the people (and/or animals) we love to see Jack Bauer hate on. We rank em, Jack breaks ‘em and now we continue our listing of the Top 10 – 24 Villains of all time.
Name: Ramon Salazar
Occupation: Drug Kingpin
First seen: 1:00pm – Day 3
Last Seen: 1:00am – Day 3
Despite what you may think, Ramon Salazar isn’t a side dish at trendy Spanish restaurants. Ramon Salazar isn’t the Hispanic guy on Desperate Housewives. Ramon Salazar isn’t the guy we removed from power in Panama many years ago. Finally, Ramon Salazar
is was not Phil Hartman.
No, Ramon Salazar was your standard run-of-the mill drug kingpin who ended up playing Russian Roulette with Jack Bauer after the CTU agent breaks INTO a prison, a riot breaks out, and the two are forced to play Russian Roulette after Bauer breaks into a prison (oops, I was stuck in a 24 plot loop).
Ramon was in jail when Season 3 starts. Hell shouldn’t I be writing this profile about his brother, Hector Salazar? I would be writing this about Hector, if it wasn’t for Ramon shooting his own brother…and the aforementioned Russian Roulette game which prompted Fox to have Jack Bauer film a PSA on gun safety. Hint: Kids, it’s dangerous to load a gun and point it at your forehead while pulling the trigger, unless your name is Jack Bauer.
So why are we here? Oh, yeah, Ramon and his brother were going to release the infamous Cordilla virus. No, the Cordilla isn’t a soft taco wrapped with a hard outer shell with 2 meats and a cheesy core at Taco Bell for $1.99. The virus was made in The Ukraine and imported to LA. It causes nose-bleeds, bad breath, hemorrhaging, skin abscesses and eventually death. Michelle Dessler was infected, but having slept with Tony Almeida, she was immune to the ill effects of the virus.
So Jack’s undercover, in Mexico, surrounded by drug dealers. So basically…a typical Wednesday night for Kiefer Sutherland. Jack was tested by the Salazars who asked Bauer to shoot his partner, Chase Edmunds. Jack pulls the trigger – click – the gun was empty (we all know that he has no problems with thinning CTU’s payroll on his own). Hector was convinced, so Ramon shot and killed him.
The virus was put up for sale on Ebay and Nina Myers won with a last minute bid to beat out Ramon (also known as kidFunKY223). And here’s where it get’s weird.
Nina gets kidnapped and is forced to turn over a vial containing the virus. Ramon then pulls a gun on Jack and Chase Edmunds shoots Ramon with a sniper rifle. Then Delta company swoops in (late), Jack kills a few dudes with a knife, something explodes, and Ramon escapes. Later (aka 1 commercial break) Jack corners Ramon and tells him “it’s over”. Wait, he actually said “IT’S OVER”. Ramon threatens to unleash the virus; instead the vial explodes – killing Ramon. He fell for the exploding Cordilla virus trick! Jack Bauer will later use this same trick with an exploding memory stick.
Ramon Salazar: (after sparing Jack’s life) The man has more lives than a cat.
In our Villain matrix, Ramon scores pretty high on Meanness for killing his brother. He also scores well for Coolness because of his cool name. However, he didn’t last long so his Reign of Terror is low.
Final Rankings (out of 10)
Reign of Terror: 2
Total Points: 21
I read on Blogs4Bauer that Tony Almeida is coming back for Season 7 and I think that’s really great. Tony was a real swell guy and never got a silent clock. Come to mention it, I never got a silent clock…can I come back for Season 7 as well. Please?
Seriously, I would really like to come back next season and I have some great ideas that would really help the writers of the show. Are you listening Manny Coto, you no-talent hack? Jack in Africa? What in the hell were you thinking?
The first thing I’d do is give me a better name, Lynn is a girl’s name and I was always getting teased by the CTU security staff. How does Lance Powers sound? Powers and Bauer, we could be nicknamed Bacardi and Baileys. Watch out bad guys – here comes Powers and Bauer! Sorry Jack, I meant Bauer and Powers.
I would also need an eye patch, a mustache, and a motorcycle. No make that two eye patches. Have I mentioned the midgets? We’d need at least three that would be there to serve us drinks and fetch babes. Then we need a cool black dude who’s only role is to wear aviator sun glasses and say cool things like “damn bro’ that’s gonna leave a mark” and “he did not see that coming“.
Well that’s all that I’ve come up with so far. There’s this one storyline involving an underground dolphin fighting ring, but I’ve yet to hear back from Brett Farve on his availability.
Blogs4Bauer has ranked the hottest women of 24, now we’re looking at the people we love to see Jack Bauer hate on. We rank em, Jack breaks ‘em and now we continue our listing of the Top 10 – 24 Villains of all time.
This next villain had sex with Audrey Raines and then hung himself.
You know why Audrey liked Walt? He was “well hung“. Get it?
Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Walt however, entered the fray as Vice President Logan’s Head of Security during Season 4. Somehow that later qualified him to become the Chief of Staff in Season 5. Before you question that line of succession, remember we are talking about the show 24.
Anyway, when Walt first appears, he’s trying to curb the constant use of torture that was almost as common in Season 4 as the word “dammit“. Jack Bauer was just trying to abuse the rights of a terrorist and save the world. Walt was worried that allowing this to happen would tarnish the Logan presidency. This, if you watched Season 5, is a really funny joke.
So he has already tried to stop Jack Bauer from torturing a bad guy. Next, he conspired with the secret service to KILL Jack Bauer after Jack Bauer’s raid on the Chinese consulate. Jack Bauer ends up in a shootout and dies, but he was only faking it.
With Jack out of the way, Walt had sex with Audrey. When he asked her “why the long face“, she left him and went to China to look for Jack.
With the opening of the 5th worst day in Jack Bauer’s life, Walt is still working for Logan, but also with a Russian separatist group because the terrorist-as-a-Muslim plot was played out and the writers of 24 needed some other ethnic group with fewer activists.
We learn that Walt had a hand in the deaths of All State spokesman David Palmer and Michelle Dessler. Knowing that Jack would not like the loss of ad revenue from the missing insurance spots, Walt also tried to have him killed (again), this time by the “let’s put a mole in CTU” scheme. It fails and allows Jack puts another notch in his belt. Spense Wolff also put another notch in his belt but for other geekier reasons.
Walt Cummings: No, Mr. President, I am a patriot!
With Jack on his tail, Walt pulls out the infamous WMDs in Central Asia/War for oil speech and the three non-Republican viewers of 24 cheer him on. Logan has Bauer arrested, but he gets out and then pulls a classic Bauer move. Jack pulls a knife and threatens to pop out one of Walt’s eyes. Walt asks him to pop out both so he can rid himself of the image of having sex with Audrey.
Jack Bauer: Iâ€™m done talking with you, you understand me? Youâ€™ve read my file. The first thing Iâ€™m going to do is take out your right eye, and then Iâ€™m gonna move over and take out your left, and then Iâ€™m going to cut you. Iâ€™m gonna keep cutting you until you give me the information that I need. Do you understand me? So for the last time, where is the nerve gas?
Walt is later found hanging in his holding cell. Supposedly Logan had him killed.
Final Rankings (out of 10)
Reign of Terror: 3
Total Points: 14
Blogs4Bauer has ranked the hottest women of 24, (you’ve gotta admit, there’s no reason whatsoever to rank the hottest men of 24, unless you conceded right off the bat that Jack’s No. 1 and everyone else is just sloppy seconds).
Anyway, now we’re looking at the people we love to hate. From we break down the top villains of our favorite show and reveal the Top 10 – 24 Villains of all time.
Today, we look at the hottest male villain. It was a tough call and Vladimir Bierko almost made it (sorry, Julian Sands), but I had to go in another direction.
Syed Ali recruited the woman who was perhaps the hottest female 24 villain (other than Mandy, OK Wyatt?), Marie Warner.
The best thing about Marie, however, was that her involvement brought us the best Bauer Girl yet, her sister, Kate Warner.
But this is about Ali. Sorry, got sidetracked.
Ali was the mastermind of the Season 2 plot to nuke L.A. (the bad guys didn’t get this accomplished until Season 6, remember).
Using intel from Nina Myers, Ali attacks CTU with C4 explosives to keep them busy and unable to investigate his bomb plot. Shockingly, this does not stop Jack.
Anyhow, Ali had planned to fly the Cessna loaded with the nuke all by his lonesome, the ultimate suicide bombing. But before he heads out to the airfield, he stops at a mosque to pray. Bad choice. That’s where Jack captures him and starts torturing him.
Given that Ali was about to nuke himself along with L.A., the torture’s not all that effective. So Jack ups the ante and sets up a video connection to Ali’s family, who are tied to chairs and being held by gunmen.
He still refuses to give Jack any info, so Jack gives the signal and Ali’s son is executed in cold blood. That works.
After George Mason (already dying of radiation exposure) sacrifices himself by flying the nuke over the desert to be detonated, the U.S. wants to retaliate against whoever’s reponsible. CTU raids Ali’s hotel room and finds a recorded conversation (henceforth known as the “Cyprus recording”) between Ali and high-ranking officials from his and two other unnamed Middle Eastern countries.
Michelle and Jack don’t believe the recording is real. Jack tells Ali that his son isn’t really dead. Ali again insists the recording is fake, but he’s then assassinated. Jack must then prove the Cyprus recording is fake.
This whole plot line leads to the removal of President David Palmer by his Cabinet under the 25th Amendment and his eventual reinstatement because, of course, Jack was right, he was right all along.
It turns out that Marie Warner helped Ali bring the bomb into the country, in part by funnelling at least $475K from her dad’s company to Ali for Second Wave. She shoots a CTU agent and her fiance, Reza, in cold blood to prevent the truth from coming out. But Marie’s ultimate motivations and how she got involved with Ali are never really explained.
Extra: Palmer’s temporary removal led to an abiding friendship with Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce, who became one of the coolest of the cool in later seasons. (Pierce was in Season 1 as well; he and Jack Bauer are the only two characters to appear in every single season so far. Here’s hoping he’s in Season 7.)
Also, Day 2 is set 18 months after Day 1 and is believed to take place in September 2005.
ALSO, this is the infamous cougar bait season. It has nothing to do with Ali, unfortunately, but has provided much wonderful humor for years.
Final Rankings (out of 10)
Reign of Terror: 5
Total Points: 23
Oh Graham Cracker… What the hell are you doing man? Did the bag over your head cause you to lose that many brain cells? I mean, you have Jack right where any archvillan would want him. Nina Myers and Victor Drazen are rolling in their grave. Why don’t you just kill him now?
You killed his CTU backup. Good.
You disarmed him and insulted his dead wife making him want revenge. Good.
You handcuffed him and….Wait, where are you going?
Aren’t you even going to watch them? They could get away! You numb-nuts!
I may have been artificially created in a lab but I wasn’t artificially created in a lab yesterday. The logical thing to do is a couple of bullets to the head. The KIA in the parking lot was not registered to your company; just stash the dead bodies in the trunk. Hell just put them in the CTU SUV that your goons already took care of. You have the time. You have the bullets. The balls? Didn’t think so. Why not put the gun in your mouth you no-haired ass-boy.
You could even shoot your father with Jack’s gun, place it in Jack’s hand and then CTU will spend countless hours calling it a “tragic murder-suicide” while you are refilling your Rogaine and hanging out with Jack’s love child.
Better yet, I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I’ll get it, I’ll come back, BOOM, I’ll blow their brains out! Instead you are just going to leave Jack Bauer and daddy to a couple of goons who look like they need color diagrams to put on pants?
That’ll do, jackass. That’ll do.
Counterpoint: Why not torture him first?
by Dr. No
Jack Bauer Appreciation Day – Guide to Office Politics (Part 1)
Like at CTU, odds are your office is full of moles. Trust me; we don’t have a lot of time to explain. Is it the new intern, consultant, freelancer, or all three? It could even be your boss. There are a few signs to tell if they are indeed a mole. I have listed them below.
Signs Your Co-worker Is a Mole
10. They give the new intern the “mole nod” on the way to a meeting.
9. Admits to being a mole after an hour of sensory deprivation.
8. Joins the company softball team and seems to be throwing games.
7. Reformats an Excel spreadsheet without telling you.
6. Steals your Swingline Stapler – theft is a gateway crime.
5. They watched David Blaine last night, instead of 24.
4. Always wants you to try his wife’s ricin-roni.
3. Fails to tell you that he/she dropped a “dirty bomb” in the bathroom.
2. Posts comments mocking Blogs4Bauer livebloggers.
and the number 1 sign your co-worker is a mole:
1. They openly supported Marwan last season
If you know more signs – post them in the comments.
The next step is to take out the mole(s). Odds are Human Resources has already been infiltrated. You will need to take matters into your own hands. The Best Ways to Deal With an Office Mole will be posted later today.