Blogs.4Bauer

The script for a 24 movie is already in the bag, Kiefer says, and he’s ready to start work on it, as the series finale wrapped last week.

The most interesting part, to me? The film will take place over a 24-hour period, but because it’s condensed into two hours, I’d imagine it should have far less filler, far less stupid political exposition and Jack can actually travel to, say, Eastern Europe. (Kiefer mentioned that location, so I’m wondering if this is going to harken back to the very beginning and the Drazens.)

Who wrote the script? Billy Ray, who wrote State of Play. So this could be good. Kiefer’s gonna read it when he gets back home.

Oh, and did you know that he went to a lapdance club and got in a fight with the bouncers and ended up being wrangled, shirtless, out of the club?

Click on the link in the above paragraph for the photo. I couldn’t find an embeddable version, dammit.

Sorry for being lame and not getting this up here sooner, but here’s the full text of the official press release, which was posted on Facebook:

The barely literate writers of Variety report that FOX will announce this season as the end of 24 in the next day or so. No, I am not serious about the writers of Variety being barely literate, I just needed to lash out at someone. Maybe 24 Executive Producer Brannon Braga is to blame? He helped drag Star Trek into the gutter with his amateur bullshit. Anyway, I digress. 24 has 13 episodes left forever.

Apparently, getting stabbed in the abdomen can’t stop Jack Bauer from killing the bad guys, but a little ol’ burst cyst can bring Kiefer Sutherland grinding to a halt.

The Hollywood Reporter says filming has stopped so Sutherland can undergo surgery. They claim the season won’t be disrupted, however.

I have to believe it’s relatively serious, as Kiefer’s always been pretty conscientious about not mucking with the filming schedule. Remember how he spent Christmas in jail just so his sentence wouldn’t interfere with the show’s schedule (not that it ended up mattering because the entire season was postponed due to the writer’s strike).

OK, would someone do a great photoshop job for this post, now? The Man? Adam? Bueller?

Everyone’s reporting about it, so it must be true: There’s almost definitely going to be a 24 movie. (That’s why I called it “2,” get it? ‘Cos movies are usually – oh, nevermind.)

What does this mean for our beloved, yet beleaguered, show?

This is, in all likelihood, its final season. But then they might do a bunch of Bourne-type movies. Can you see it? Jack pushing a walker, chasing after some guy who’s about to get away, then whammo! Jack wings the walker at the guy, one of the legs puncturing right through his lung or heart or other vital organ?

You know you wanna see it.

Seriously, though, I can’t say I’d be too devastated if this ride came to an end. 24 gave us several good years. And even in its worst times, still gave us at least a couple hours’ of great television (c’mon, the first four hours of Season 6 were pretty good, with the nuke going off and all, and then we had the great Martha Logan kiwi toss/neck stab, which is always good for kicks).

But Season 6 was just insanely craptacular. And Season 7 had so much promise and then turned to something stupid. And so far in Season 8? Well, other than the pull-the-knife-out-of-his-gut-to-kill-a-bad-guy-with-it-from-across-the-room-then-shoot-two-other-guys-to-death scene, it’s been rather lackluster.

So, if you have some good ideas for movies, something that can be wrapped up in maybe a couple hours without cougar-related storylines or the traveling meth lab that is Dana Walsh’s life, go for it.

Just as long as Jack shouts a lot and kills people. Got it?

Another two hours. Kill Count from last night includes these two hours.

If you want to watch this in a pop-out window, click here.

Make sure you’re stocked up for the full 2 hrs! AmyV, you’re all set.

Historical footnote John Edwards was recently quoted as saying he was “really looking forward to the exciting return of Jack Bauer this Sunday.” Edwards, a one-term Senator who made millions suing the pants off of people, and causing insurance premiums and malpractice insurance rates to skyrocket in the once-quiet state of North Carolina, insisted that America really needs to focus on Jack Bauer this week.

This is also the same week that has seen the release of “GAME CHANGE” an “insider” look into the 2008 campaign for President, which gives an in-depth look at Edwards’ affair with New Age-flake/prostitute/filmmaker Reille Hunter. With all of this renewed attention on Edwards’ cheating behind the back of his cancer-suffering wife, the former VP-nominee insists that there are two Americas, one that worries about old news and the other which is focused on “that bitchin’ TV show, ’24!’”

And if you’re not a fan of “24,” Edwards suggests the alternative distraction of George Clooney’s Oscar-contending movie “UP IN THE AIR” about a shallow middle-aged man who ruins people’s lives and metaphorically opines that we need to “lighten the load in our bags.” What a load indeed…

We’ve got three new boys for Season 8:

Rami Malek, Julian Morris and Hrach Titizian will be on for several episodes apiece, at least, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

(That’s Morris – does he look like a SWAT agent to you?)

Rami’s a terrorist. Julian’s a CTU SWAT agent (redshirt?). Hrach is a high-ranking aid to the president of this year’s unnamed Middle Eastern nation (played by Slumdog Millionaire’s Anil Kapoor – the president, not the nation).

Katee Sackhoff has joined the Season 8 cast! Even better, she’s going to be in the new NYC-based CTU.

Ausiello reported:

Sources confirm to me exclusively that the Battlestar Galactica heroine has been tapped to play the series regular role of Dana Walsh, a highly respected and down-to-earth data analyst at the new and improved New York branch of CTU.

So that means we’ll see her most every week.

She will be, however, in a relationship with a fellow agent, played by Freddie Prinze Jr. And she has a skeleton in her closet, of course. I just hope that skeleton isn’t Tony Almeida’s. I mean, that’d be gross.

Day 8 will have Slumdog Millionaire co-star Anil Kapoor on board, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

He will play a Middle Eastern leader who comes to the U.S. on a peacemaking mission.

What does that mean? It means one of three things:

1. He is the bad guy.
2. He will be mistaken for the bad guy and possibly tortured.
3. He will be killed, and his death will spark a national security threat.

Kapoor is a “Bollywood icon,” having appeared in more than 100 films in India, but this is his first time on American TV.

Let the casting news continue…

To quote the immortal Comic Book Guy: “Worst idea . . . EVER!” You may want to get the duct tape ready, because this rumor is guaranteed to ‘splode your skull:

What do you say when Robin Williams asks, “Can I be on “24?”

Wanna know “24″ star Kiefer Sutherland’s response?

“Wow. It would be an honor.”

An honor for whom? Kiefer Sutherland or the millions of 24 fans. Lord knows our informal poll amongst the B4B contributors was met with all the excitement and exuberance of a Nancy Pelosi/Newt Gingrich home sex tape. *shudder*

“You’re talking about an Academy Award-winning actor with no lack of energy, which is what we require,” Sutherland admits.

“Robin would be an innocent computer analyst who stumbles onto something cryptic he doesn’t know he has and becomes a target. Jack Bauer, the government and the bad guys are all looking for this guy, who is scared to death and running for his life.” (H/T – Radar Online)

If only art could imitate life. Look, I like Robin Williams . . . in small doses . . . in comedies. The fact that the producers of 24 are making us sit through an entire season of Janeane Frakkin’ Garofalo shows that the viewers have suffered enough. Adding Robin Williams to the cast next season – which is rumored to be the final season – would be considered cruel and unfunny punishment.

Personally, I would rather see 24 sign on Michelle Obama, Billy Mays, and Vince, the ShamWow Guy before inking Robin Williams.

I’m just sayin’.

Product Placements on 24 are about as common as dead bodies.  According to research, fans of 24 can recall product placements better than fans of any other  prime-time show.  Yay, good for us.  We’ve endured placements of Treo’s, manpurses, and now Bill is talking on a Sprint phone while Jack drives a Hyundai.  

Ford and Hyundai will now share the spotlight on 24 with government agents still driving Fords. But Bauer will be cruising in a Hyundai. 

According to Nielsen IAG research, Hyundai’s integration with this show will be twice as effective as brand messaging on any other primetime show. 24 records one of the highest consumer recall rates for product placements in prime-time. (source)

Jack Bauer has saved the world countless times and we are led to believe all he has to show for it is a knockoff Korean piece of crap?  Sure it has a 100,000 mile warranty, but it’s no BMW. 

If the writers of the show can put Jack in a Hyundai, it begs to ask what product placements didn’t make the cut.  

Below are the first in a Blogs4Bauer series on 24 – Product Placement Rejects. 

Heineken
Heineken wanted to make beer the official drink of 24.   By placing the product in various scenes, the Dutch beer company expected sales to increase 100% in 2009.  However the agreement fell apart when marketing manager Hans Gruber wanted Jack to drive around in his Hyundai with a mini-keg in his lap while talking on his Sprint phone.   Writers argued that Jack Bauer would never drink and drive.

Fox News
Fox airs 24, so naturally Fox News thought it should have a product placement on 24.  However it was later discovered that, like the fact that there is no music on MTV, there’s also very little news on Fox News.  

Plus, the infectious monkey from the movie Outbreak…oh, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo.  Well, she walked out off the set when she saw her desk on the set for the first time.

 If you know of any other potential 24 Product Placement Rejects, post a comment.

In case you were busy watching the Golden Globes and don’t want to watch it on Hulu, our own VthK has provided the following recap of hours 1 and 2.  

08:00:00 to 08:16:57

OK, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these things, so my memory may be a little fuzzy. Anyway, as we start on Day 7 of Die Hard II 2… um, I mean, 24… and the very first line is “Put that phone away.” Which is ironic because, IIRC, people spend more time talking on phones in ’24′ than the night shift at Bangalore Customer Support, Inc.

So, anyway, there’s this guy who played a nerdy scientist on Stargate SG-1, and he’s driving his daughter to school when he gets caught in the middle of an Allstate product placement. Except instead of Dennis Haysbert telling him he’s in good hands, he gets captured by terrorists. The terrorist have this device that enables them to take over everything in the USA. But they recently upgraded to Vista and it’s no longer compatible. They need Stargate Scientist Guy to make it work.

Meanwhile, the main character… the blond guy with the anger management problem … gosh what is his name? I can’t remember but heplayed Ace Merrill in Stand By Me. Anyway, Ace Merrill is getting ragged on by Senator Red Foreman. We also learned CTU has been disbanded. It’s been a while, but I seem to recall CTU was some kind of rhythm and blues band. Anyway, Red Foreman, wants to know why Ace Merill tortured some guy, and Ace says that it was to save a busload of schoolchildren and kittens. “Think of the kittens!” Ace thunders at Red Foreman, then threatens to torture the smug look off his ass-face.

Then, Ace gets pulled out of the meeting by an FBI agent who, like Red Foreman, is a redhead but way more attractive. Ace promises to come back the next morning… i.e. 24 hours later. So, he really has a time limit this time. The redheaded agent is identified as Renee “Street” walker.  Streetwalker isn’t actually that hot, but next to Janeane Garofalo and President Cankles, she looks like Melissa Theriau.

Then I got confused because the scene switched to the FBI and at first I thought the ugly Stargate Scientist guy was talking to a sarcastic android. Then I realized it wasn’t the stargate scientist again, it was Janeane Garofalo. A bunch of other sub-plots were also introduced. President Cankles got her some jungle fever, and wants to invade Africa. Some bald guy who was either the VP or her husband is obsessing over the death of his son. Some douche of an FBI agent was strongly disapproving of Ace’s methods.

08:21:24 to 08:45:00

So, anyway, Streetwalker tells Ace Merrill that domestic terrorists have a device that will allow them to take over all infrastructure and wreak havoc on the government to teach them a lesson for dragging their feet on HDTV implementation. The leader of the terrorists is an old friend of Ace’s. Ace doesn’t believe it. “Tony’s dead. I saw it.” Streetwalker rolls her eyes. “You have to destroy the brain.”

Anyway, so Stargate Scientist Guy tells them to do a ctrl-alt-del and install new drivers, and now the device works fine. So, Zombie Tony is gonna go all Die Hard II on air traffic control, and the scene cuts away to a full 767 getting ready to take-off with some cute androgynous munchkin in the front row.

Meanwhile, President Cankles is watching reports of 200,000 people killed in Africa and regrets ever subscribing to The Genocide Channel. The Joint Chiefs are on-board with the invasion, but the Secretary of State… another bald dude… is wetting his pants submissively. That’s like three annoying bald dudes so far… Red Foreman, the SecState, and SubPlot Guy. Anyway, the FAA — showing far more competence than any other Federal Agency in history — has detected the intrusion into its system and wants to ground flights. But Cankles says not yet, she has to short sell her airline stocks first.

So, anyway, Ace is working with the sarcastic android to see if they can track down Zombie Tony. Then, Streetwalker gets attacked by a mutant rottweiler… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo talking about some chick stuff I guess. I don’t know. Then, Agent Douchebag tells Streetwalker to keep Ace on a short leash. “OK, if he’s into that,” she replies.

Anyway, the Sarcastic Android has helped Ace find one of his and Zombie Tony’s old contacts, named Sphincter, who not only happens to deal in Technology That Let’s You Take Over The World, but has also relocated from LA LA to DC. As the Church Lady would say, “How CONVENIENT!”

8:49:51 to 08:59:59

So, Ace and Streetwalker go to Sphincter’s office. Sphincter refuses to cooperate until Ace grabs a ballpoint pen and threatens to write “I Am Sphincter Boy” on Sphincter’s forehead. But before he can spill his guts, Sphincter gets shot by a sniper in the abdomen and starts spilling his guts, although not in a useful way. And the hour ends with Ace and Streetwalker chasing after the sniper.

09:00:00 to 09:10:52

So, Streetwalker and Bruce Willis — I mean Ace Merrill — are trying to catch the sniper and they got him trapped in a building. Streetwalker calls for back-up. Ace figures there must be a mole at the FBI, and he begins teaching his young padawan how to use the Force… the Force of completely distrusting all of your co-workers. I mean, Emperor Palpatine did have a mole at the Jedi Temple. I wonder if this means we’ll get a scene of Sarcastic Android slaughtering the younglings. I am pretty sure his character fantasizes about that. 

Anyway, then there’s a scene in which a rotting, putrifying moose carcass … no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo … reports to Agent Douchebag that the terrorists are now fully inside the system and there’s nothing the FBI can do to stop them.

Anyway, Zombie Tony has put the plane with the cute youngling on board (and probably a cargo hold full of orphaned kittens) on a collision course with another plane. But at the last minute, he wusses out and deprives the audience of much-needed carnage.

09:16:32 to 09:28:38

So, anyway, Streetwalker makes Ace wait in the car while she and the other agents seal off the building the sniper is hiding in. She cracks the window for him and leaves him a squeaky toy. A Magic Negro appears and absolves Ace Merrill of his sins. Then, Ace asks about Agent Streetwalker. “Oh, yeah, baby, she understands what it takes to get the job done IYKWIMAITTYD.” And just in case Ace doesn’t, the Magic Negro mimes the sound of a porn movie bass guitar.

 So, Zombie Tony passes off the Plot Device and the ugly scientist to a guy who looks like what would happen if a transporter accident merged Pierce Brosnan and John Kerry into one squinty, French-looking being with Rod Blagojevich hair. He turns out to be working with the Genocidal dictator of that African country President Cankles is all hot to invade. I’m almost sure the transporter accident guy played a system lord on SG-1. (For that matter, I also think President Cankles played the president on Space: Above and Beyond … but looking that up would also mean admitting I watched Space: Above and Beyond.) OK, checked his website, no SG-1 reference, but he did play an immortal on Highlander. Anyway, President Cankles meets with the other African guy who is the opposition leader against the genocidal dictator, but for some reason talks like Father Guido Sarducci. Why couldn’t they just have hired Mr. Eko from Lost? 

So, anyway, another annoying bald guy (This makes Number 4) shows up and helps the sniper escape from the building the FBI has “sealed off.” There’s also this other FBI guy who has a buzzcut and is always advising the president of this or that, but I only mention him to bookmark him as a Mole candidate.

 09:31:22 to 09:42:40

 So, Ace gets out of the car to “get some air.” And just as he does, the Sniper in the borrowed FBI vest walks by. (“How CONVENIENT!”) Ace notices his shoes are not standard FBI issue, but instead appear to be Stride-Rite pumps. He alerts Streetwalker and convinces her to leave the building and discreetly follow the assassin, but not to tell the FBI because “they’ll just screw things up.”

The FBI lead, agent Douchebag, finds out they’ve left the scene, and asks the turd-creature from “Weird Science” — no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo again — to figure out a way to track Agent Streetwalker and Ace.

 And then, in that other subplot, Annoying Bald Guy Number 2 roughs up some fairly-hot chick who kind of looks like Gretchen from ‘Prison Break’ after six months of Slim Fast, and she just got $400,000 wired into an off-shore account, but still works in telemarketing. He was gonna go all Ike Turner on her, but his driver intervened. I’m sure they’ll be back, but the show’s already about two subplots past my attention span.

 09:48:38 to 09:59:59

 So, Ace and Streetwalker follow the Sniper to the docks (which Streetwalker has worked many a time). Streetwalker gives Ace a gun. They beat the crap out of the sniper then shoot out a surveillance camera. As they walk up to the boat they think Zombie Tony is in, the sniper gets shot (ironically) by the crew of Tony’s board (Isaac, Doc, and Gopher.) So, Ace and Streetwalker shoot-up the boat. Streetwalker finds a laptop, but it’s deleting all the files on its hard drive.

Gawdam Vista. 

And Ace is trying to find Zombie Tony, but ZT pulls the old “Hide behind the pilot house door” trick and hits Ace in the face. Then, they beat the crap out of each other for the remaining few minutes of the program until Agent Douchebag shows up in a helicopter.

Tick-Tock