Shoots And Spatters Caption Contest
(Source: 24 Wikia)

Submit your original caption for this photo in the comments section, or we’ll shove you into an oxygen chamber. The winners will be announced on Monday. March, 15th. Good luck!

Other Current Contests:
Cowboy Blob
Family Security Matters
Military Times
Rodney Dill
RT
Support Your Local Gunfighter
Wizbang

The barely literate writers of Variety report that FOX will announce this season as the end of 24 in the next day or so. No, I am not serious about the writers of Variety being barely literate, I just needed to lash out at someone. Maybe 24 Executive Producer Brannon Braga is to blame? He helped drag Star Trek into the gutter with his amateur bullshit. Anyway, I digress. 24 has 13 episodes left forever.

Well, this week the Jack Bauer Kill Counter erupted – at least compared to the last two zero-infected episodes. While there were no Jack Bauer kills this week – although he had an arguable assist on the Marcos push – there were a mere two DAMMITs. Looks like it was another Wyattastic evening.

We do have a winner, though. Steveegg wins this lame-ass week with his guess: “Now that I’m commenting in the right post, I’ll go with 2. DAMMIT!”

Congratulations, Steve. Your sweaty Kayla bedsheets are enroute to your secured location.

Here’s the post for tonight’s JBKC3.5 2am-3am. Enter your best guess in the comments.

Each week we will ask you to submit how many points you think Jack will get, the person closest wins. Submit how many points Jack Bauer will rack up in tonight’s episodes in the comments – we will publish the winner on Tuesday (3/2).

Kill Counter 3.5

3 kills = 3 points + 3 combo = 6 points

Bonus Points
“Dammit” = 1 point
“We don’t have enough time” = 1 point
“Cover me” = 1 point
“Drop the weapon” = 1 point
Use of a Jack Sack = 5 points
Shooting down a helicopter = 10 points
Mentioning Kim Bauer = 2 points
Apologizing for anything = -5 points
Crying = -5 points
Surrendering to bad guys = -10 points
Headbutting anyone = 20 points

Previous Jack Bauer Kill Counters
Season 5 Kill Counter
Season 6 Kill Counter
Redemption Kill Counter

Previous Season 8 Winners
Midnight-1am – Steveegg wins with nada: “Filler night – 0.”
1am-2am – Wisekrakr and Juan Paxety win with “1″.

The Dirty Half-Dozen Caption Contest
(Source: 24 Wikia)

Submit your caption to this pic in the comments section or we’ll dress you in a red CTU shirt. The winners will be posted on Monday, March 8th. Good luck!

Other Current Entries:
Family Security Matters
Military Times
Rodney Dill
RT
Support Your Local Gunfighter
Wizbang

Top Three Comments:
3. “OK. As senior member, I get the pretty one. The rest of you get the fat friends.” – Ettublogge
2. “Screw Mapquest. I’m tellin’ ya, there’s no Hooters on this block.” – D. Dean

WINNER! – “OK, OK CTU says there is a Shell station a block ahead, I’ll C4 the door to the mens room and you can all pee. Next time, do that before we leave.” – Dick Lepre

And just as an aside, if there are any execs from TiVo in the audience, I just want to say you folks do good work – and I am available to be a paid spokesperson. Just sayin’. With that, let’s start the clock:

1:00am – 1:12am – We open the episode with Kayla, who has been awarded a conjugal quickie with her boy toy, aka Security Guard #1 (SG1). Being a vapid idiot, Kayla informs SG1 that she told President Wayne Newton about their romantic entanglement. Amazingly, it only made things worse. Duh, and or hello! What did you think your father would say when he found out the two of you were boinking, “Congratulations?” SG1 asks Kayla to come closer, but instead of hot bondage action, he tells her that he is planning to escape – with help from another security stooge. He wants her to meet him at the rendezvous point, and she nods in agreement.

Meanwhile, Chico, Jr is performing chest compressions on the corpse of Kevin Wade. Starbuck, master of the obvious, tells him that Kevin is now in White Trash Heaven – no, not New Jersey – and asks Chico to beat feet. To his credit, Chico, Jr refuses and pulls off his best Alonzo – asking her “You want to go to jail, or do you want to go home?” – and decides to wipe the van and dump the White Trash Twins in the swamp. Starbuck sheepishly agrees.

Back at CTU, Hastings is in a conference call with President Cankles and Weasly McChiefofstaff and tells them about Farhad’s defection. There is a lot of talk about “rod smuggling,” yet Johnny Weir is nowhere to be found. Cankles is on board with Jack’s rescue of Farhad, and hopes that the rods can be found quickly. Heh. Curiously, the terrorists holding the rods – heh – are believed to be affiliated with the IRK organization. Dude, really? IRK? Yeah, I hear they are very IRKsome.

Jack is enroute to Farhad with a Chevy Suburban full of red shirts. Someone warm up the Kill Counter, please! Bauer is pairing with the Pimply-Faced Teen, and you just know that his ticket will get punched tonight.

On the po’ side of town, President Wayne Newton meets with Cankles and tells him about the IRKs. He is playing hardball with the IRK files, but backs down when Cankles tells him that she will make his country glow if America is attacked.

Out on the road, SG1 is being transported to the embassy. Sure enough, he was given a handcuff key, and after unlocking himself – and pulling out his gun??? – he stops the vehicle and orders the guards out. Incredibly, SG1 had the car pulled over on the most deserted block in New York City – Times Square. Dude, at 1:10am, every street in NYC has at least a dozen people on it, for cripes’ sake! SG1 has the guards handcuff themselves in the back of the car, calls Kayla to tell her he loves her (gag), and runs to the rendezvous point. Literally. He runs!

1:17am – 1:25am – Hastings is at CTU and on the blower with Farhad. Farhad, being a whiny puss-aah, ignores Hastings’ advice to stay put and starts to walk . . . right into two rifle rounds! Yeah, that’s gonna leave a mark. Jack and the red shirts arrive to find Farhad leaking precious bodily fluids, then gets Chloe on the horn for some pictures of jIRKs. Jack is told that Farhad isn’t going to make it, and in true Bauer fashion, he orders the medic to stabilize him to look at the photos. “Sure, he’s gonna kick, but frak him. I need answers!” The medic gives Jack lip – bad move – and the two start shouting at each other. Not a “Dammit!” in the exchange, though. Dammit.

Back at the UN, Cisco gets a huge ad placement right before we get reacquainted with Wild Bill Guarnere, er, Tim Woods. Woods gives us the good news: if the rods are weaponized, Cankles is looking at thousands of registered voters dead and NYC will be uninhabitable for 40 years. Hell, Queens has been uninhabitable for almost 100 years, so what’s the big deal? Cankles decides to keep the public in the dark, and move the conference to a “safe” location. Um, with a nuclear explosion, they may want to move the conference to Canada. Just sayin’.

Wayne Newton is briefed on SG1’s escape, and his daughter’s role in the treachery. He is not pleased, and his coif is showing signs of stress. SG1 and Kayla meet at a hotel, and decide to get their freak on. Sadly, we don’t see any pink parts.

At the hot zone, Jack is informed that Farhad is receiving his 72 virgins, and when told that the area is clear, Jack responds with an unnecessary “Copy that.” Dude, it’s just you and the SWAT guy. Just say “Okay!” Jack calls Hastings and admits he dropped the ball yet again, but his next plan is bound to work! Jack proposes that CTU informs the media that Farhad survived in order to draw out the IRKsome terrorists. Hastings agrees and allows Jack to drag Farhad’s carcass across town. Suddenly 24 is becoming Weekend at Bernie’s . . . without the benefit of Catherine Mary Stewart.

1:29am – 1:35am – Back at “the swamp” – you know, the swamp just a mile or so from Midtown Manhattan? – the couple that slays together stays together. They give the White Trash Twins a burial at sea and Starbuck decides that disposing of a body is just the impetus needed to ask Chico Jr about their future plans. Idiot. I am really starting to hate this character, and Katee Sackhoff as a whole. The chick is the red shirt of every series she touches.

Back at the unmarked deli, the jIRKs hear that Farhad is alive. They are not pleased. They decide to send Marcos to finish off Farhad because Marcos’ mother is American. Marcos looks Middle Eastern, but that won’t arouse suspicion, right? Ugh. Marcos the Mama’s Boy calls his mommy and tells her to leave town. When pressed, Marcos just says, “Get the Hell out, woman!” which will surely set up a plotline of how Jack finds the IRKs.

Jack loads up Bernie, er Farhad, for the trip to the hospital, but not before reassuring the Pimply-Faced Teen. Can this guy’s death be more foreshadowed? After a “Copy that,” and a terrible “Let’s do this,” from the Pimply-Faced Teen, the funeral procession departs.

1:39am – 1:47am – Almost five minutes after we left SG1 and Kayla, they are both still completely clothed! Good Lord, I would have finished three minutes before then!

Cankles and Weasly McChiefofstaff decide to relocate everyone to McGurie AFB in Joisy. Wayne Newton comes into the room and tells Cankles that he will not be evacuating. Wayne says that Kayla and SG1 are “missing” and he will not leave until they are found. Cankles basically tells Wayne, “Yeah, good luck with that. I’m skipping town!” and leaves the room.

The funeral procession arrives at the hospital and Chloe taps into the hospital security cameras just in time to see a janitor removing an elderly patient’s gold teeth. Jack tells the red shirts to secure the doors, guaranteeing that some trauma patients will die outside the emergency room entrance. Good call on that, Jacko. Marcos pulls up in his product-placement Ford and arms his ’splodey vest. At just the right time, RedHot calls Jack to thank him for her release. Never mind the national security issue or this very important op, they have some lovin’ to do! Hastings breaks in to tell Jack that Chloe found the vest-wearing Marcos, and the most idiotic plot twist ever occurs:

Jack: “Chloe, can you disarm [the vest] from there?”
Chloe: “Possibly. If I can pin down the detonator model, and maybe it will scramble the arming code using the transmitter in the mobile comm.”

I DECLARE SHENANIGANS!!! That is complete and utter bullshit, even for 24. Weak, man. Really frakkin’ weak.

Jack tells the Pimply-Faced Teen that Marcos is coming and the dumbass asks Jack, “What should I do?” What you should do, Owen, is kill yourself, because you sir, are a combat ineffective! Sadly, he doesn’t do that. Instead he gives Marcos his gun at the slightest hint of a threat, tells him where his target is, and leads him through the hospital to Farhad. The Pimply-Faced Teen is now officially the biggest puss-aah in the history of 24.

1:51am – 2:00am – Mrs. Wayne Newton is back, and Wayne calls her about Kayla. Mrs. Newton says she knew about Kayla and SG1, but agrees to track down their daughter. Since she is about ready for takeoff, she tells her lackey to have the captain stand down. No frequent flier miles for her.

At the hospital, the Pimply-Faced Teen is leading Marcos to the target, and certain doom at the hands of Jack F’n Bauer. Chloe calls and says she has a make on the detonator. A make she tracked down after seeing it from afar on a security camera feed. Riiiiight! Chock full o’ good news, Chloe tells Jack that she will need to see the vest. Eh, what? Pimply-Faced Teen mans up for a millisecond and makes Marcos show him the vest. Considering Owen’s queer status, I’m surprised he didn’t ask Marcos to show him his junk, too. Chloe confirms she saw the vest, because apparently that’s all anyone needs to disarm one. Chloe inexplicably finds the arming code and asks Arlo to disarm the bomb. Natch, Arlo says it will take a few seconds . . . as the Pimply-Faced Teen and Marcos enter Farhad’s room.

Marcos clicks the vest and like me in bed, it misfires. No explosion, no cuddling. Pimply-Faced Teen rushes Marcos, and gets pistol-whipped for his trouble. Marcos fires six rounds into Corpsy Farhad and notices that his vital signs are still stable. It’s a miracle! Jack bursts in, dodges a bullet, and tries to talk Marcos into giving up. Instead, Marcos makes like Superman and jumps . . . out of a third-story window. Unbelievably, he is almost completely unharmed from the fall and runs away. Eh, what??? Jack pursues after getting to ground level by jumping on some poor schlub’s car. I guess CTU will foot that bill.

Still running free, Marcos hides in an oxygen chamber. What, is he Michael Jackson now? Marcos calls the IRKs and tells them that the vest was disarmed. No worries, they reply, because Marcos can set it off manually. Jack tries to talk Marcos down, and gets a pipe to the closed-circuit camera for his trouble. Aaaaand . . . clock.

If I may insert some constructive criticism here, the last two episodes have sucked donkey balls. Someone needs to tell the writers that filler episodes are a necessary evil, but they are to be used sparingly. Two in a row is not sparingly guys, and declining Jack Bauer face time will turn off a lot of viewers. Thank God they can come here for my craptastic TiVo blogging . . .

Tune in next week when we see Starbuck and Chico return to CTU, a mysterious man ask about Kevin Wade, and Jack browbeat Marcos into disarming his vest. Hopefully, some people will die by Jack’s hand, because by my count, the Kill Counter was dead again this week. Another big, fat zero for the second week in a row. On the bright side, however, the Rod Count was at 9. Maybe we need a Jack Bauer Rod Counter?

See y’all next week.

In honor of his (and Wyatt’s) contribution, I’ve submitted “Wyattastic” to Urban Dictionary where millions of people looking for crude sexual innuendo will instead be taught about Wyatt’s penchant for liveblogging episodes of 24 where even Jack Bauer looks bored.

For example, as TJS stated, last night’s episode was “Wyattastic”.

Submit your own examples of using this new word in the comments.

Update: Urban Dictionary published an entry for Wyattastic.

You know, there is nothing more infuriating than having a Jack Bauer Kill Counter that sits around collecting dust. Last week’s episode saw the JBKC take a sabbatical, and considering that this week included a Jack-led SWAT team assault, many of the guesses were high. However, some folks figured on the Wyatt jinx, and while I was working last night, I saw the grim news during my TiVo blogging. The Kill Counter took the damned night off again! No death, no destruction, no “Dammits!”

We do have a winner, though. Actually, we have a tie. Two readers were the closest to the sum total this week. Both Wisekrakr – “1, but I sure wish I’d miss this by a lot to the positive side.” – and Juan Paxety – “Hoping to get the counter spinning, I’ll guess only 1.” – guessed 1, which was one off of the actual (lame) total of zero.

Congratulations, kids. Your autographed Farhad Hassan death shrouds are on their way!