Blogs.4Bauer

The Following Takes Place Between 4:00 PM and 5:00 PM

4:00:00 to 4:12:12

Paramedics Gage and DeSoto arrive at the Korean grocery to take the First Bald Dude to the hospital. Jack calls President Cankles. “Madame President, we need you to identify this bucket of your husband.” Alfred comforts the president by offering her a bag of blood diamonds. She decides to go to the hospital. Chiggy agrees to be her bodyguard and carries her out of the White House while she sings “And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I will always love you-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou…”

4:16:36 to 4:26:07

Back at the FBI, Potato Face is setting up her work area.

Potato Face: “Your network sucks.”
Doosh: “Yeah, well, Jack Bauer is the Angel of Death! Ow! My eyes! You’ve scratched out my eyes, you crazy b!tch!”

OK, that may be just what I wish had happened.

Black Better Davis sneaks back to the apartment to pack-up and leave the country with terrorist commander Lionel Jefferson. Black Joan Crawford is passed out in her wheelchair. Lionel Jefferson meets with his travel agent, who looks like a Satanic Doogie Howser to arrange his escape from the country. He then threatens Doogie Howser with exposure if he can not escape the country because, as it happens, Doogie was planning to kill him. I think my company uses that same travel agency.

Meanwhile, Black Joan Crawford wakes up and tries to convince Black Bette Davis not to leave. Then, Jack and Zombie Streetwalker bust in like a Maryland DC team on a minor dope bust, except that they get the right apartment. Jack pulls up a picture of Lionel Jefferson on his cell phone:

Jack: “Do you know who this man is?”
Black Bette Davis: “He’s my everything.”
Zombie Streetwalker: “Barf.”

4:30:32 to 4:39:29

Dr. Cottle tells President Cankles that he doesn’t like the looks of her husband. Also, he’s probably not going to make it through surgery. Then, he lights a cigarette. Cankles sends for her daughter.

Meanwhile, Jack asks Black Bette Davis if she’d like to present herself as live bait so Jack can capture her ruthless, violent, amoral boyfriend. Of course, she says yes. Living with Black Joan Crawford has sapped her will to live anyway. When Lionel Jefferson’s pimpmobile arrives, Potato Face will be able to track her cell phone.

4:45:58 to 4:50:22

Red Foreman goes to pick up at First Daughter at her place of “employment” wearing a skimpy cocktail dress. Her family relationship is about as healthy as any other we’ve ever seen on ’24.’ She’s “consulting” with a “client” for “access.” She agrees to go to the hospital where her father is, but first she has to check with her supervisor, Sweet Daddy Badass Jones.

Lionel Jefferson’s pimpmobile arrives to pick up Black Bette Davis. She gets in the back.

Zombie Streetwalker: “She’s naked out there.”
Jack: “Don’t I wish.”

Traffic is remarkable light for DC at rush hour. It must be Martin Luther King Day.

4:54:44 to 4:59:59

While PF is tracking them, a Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… breaks into the server room to see what’s going on. About that time, the tracking system goes off-line.

Potato Face: “Effing Vista!”

Just as they get it back on-line, the DC Police — who, in real life, can’t even clear traffic after a Nationals Game — surround Jack and Zombie Streetwalker. The Saracastic Android… revealing himself as both an adulterer and a traitor (yeah, I’d hate my country too if I had to work for Janeane Garofalo) has betrayed them in order to buy time for Lionel Jefferson. Satanic Doogie Howser calls Lionel Jefferson to let him know his girlfriend is working for the Feds. Lionel Jefferson promises to “take care of her,” which sounds rather nice but probably means something else.

Tick-Tock

The Following Takes Place Between 3:00 PM and 4:00 PM

3:00:00 to 3:17:02

A deliveryman knocks on the door of Lionel Jefferson’s basement hideout. “Somebody order a bald white guy?” The first dude is dumped on the floor. Lionel Jefferson calls the White House, where Jack, Chiggy Killer, and Zombie Streetwalker are meeting with Prime Minister Morgan Freeman and President Cankles.

Lionel Jefferson: “I have your husband. If you don’t call off your invasion of East Genocidia, I’ll kill him. To prove I’m not crazy, I’m going to cut part of his body off.”
President Cankles: “What part?”
Lionel Jefferson: “I’ll send you one part of him each month for just $9.99. Order now, and I’ll throw in a Shamwow.”

President Cankles loses it, but figures she can’t back down now because surrendering to terrorists would just be wimpy and surely the American people don’t want a wimpy president who knuckles under to America’s terrorist enemies. /sarc

Jack has a plan, though. “Let me and Zombie Streetwalker go after her. Everyone thinks Streetwalker’s dead, and I might as well be. I’m like Rikki Lake after her show was canceled.”

Since the body of the first dude’s bodyguard, Kevin Bacon, was found in an apartment and someone has somehow deduced that said bodyguard was involved in the kidnapping, they need to get a list of Kevin Bacon’s contacts from Agent Doosh — to see if the can connect Kevin Bacon to Lionel Jefferson — through no more than six intermediaries.

3:17:25 to 3:30:42

A giant Vietnamese pot-belled pig in a purple blouse … no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo, has a pointless scene in which we learn the Sarcastic Android is just a love machine, and he will work for pretty much anybody.

Janeane Garofalo: “Oh my Xenu, you’re nailing the blonde chick. Knock it off, we’ve got too many subplots as it is.”
Sarcastic Android “But I am programmed in multiple techniques of pleasure-giving.”

Meanwhile, Jack and Zombie Streetwalker meet up with Doosh, who hands over a list of Kevin Bacon’s phone contacts. He’s made several calls to a Secret Service Agent named ‘Fantoozler.’ (Whom we previously saw deliverying the first dude to Lionel Jefferson’s hideout.)

Jack: “Fantoozler has a family? Great, let’s torture them”
Zombie Streetwalker: “No, I get to torture them.”
Doosh: “Hey, stop turning dark.”

Back at the hideout, Lionel Jefferson gets a call from his girlfriend, and it turns out she’s the Bette Davis in some kind of crazy blackface ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane’ thang. Super gay.

3:35:04 to 3:40:43

To catch up with Fantoozler, Jack drives through the streets of DC like Patrick Kennedy on his way to a late night “vote,” finally T-Boning him at an intersection. He then calls Zombie Streetwalker so Fantoozler can listen as she terrorizes his wife and child with a gun in what can only be described as the best scene evah.

Mrs: Fantoozler: “You’re a monster.”
Zombie Streetwalker: “Technically, I’m a zombie.”

Jack gets the location of the first dude from Fantoozler, who then tries to shank him with a drywall knife, Oz-style. Yeah, dat’s right. Stupid SEAL, bringing a knife to a Jack-Kicks-Your-Ass fight. He ends up with the knife sticking out of his gut.

Having wrecked his own car, Jack commits a routine DC carjacking to acquire wheels to get to the hideout.

3:45:04 to 3:50:34

President Cankles has found a like-a-look for Prime Minister Morgan Freeman — Undercover Brother. She sends him in a limo to Lionel Jefferson’s men in order to stall for time.

Zombie Streetwalker calls Doosh. “Hey, Jack killed somebody. I need the FBI to hide the body and arrange a cover up.”
Doosh: “Right, you want that Jimmy Hoffa style or Vince Foster style?”

Jack rendezvous with Zombie Streetwalker and apologizes for making her torture an innocent family. After all, Jack’s only known her for eight hours, and that kind of thing usually doesn’t happen until the second date. Meanwhile, the Joan Crawford half of the blackface ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane’ arrangement calls and threatens to turn in Lionel Jefferson to the INS if he doesn’t back off her sister. Then she goes back to eating a dead bird on a silver platter.

3:54:55 to 3:59:59

Undercover Brother gets blown up by an RPG when Lionel Jefferson’s men figure out it isn’t him. Lionel Jefferson concludes President Cankles won’t give in, and orders his men to kill the first dude.

Jack and Streetwalker hit the Korean grocer where Lionel Jefferson and his gang were hiding out, figuring it would be the last place anyone would look for a black man. Jack gets from the manager that the First Dude is in the basement with Lionel Jefferson’s henchmen — Black Foreman, Black Fez, Black Hyde, and Black Kelso. Between Jack and Streetwalker, they’re shot dead within minutes, but they manage to shoot the First Bald Dude in the chest as they go down.

No silent clock. He’s OK.

Tick-Tock.

The Following Takes Place Between 2:00:00 PM and 3:00:00 PM

2:00:00 to 2:14:32

When we left off, the evil terrorist Colonel Lionel Jefferson was using the Oscillation Overthruster to set off a chemical plant in Ohio to release more toxic gas than Michael Moore after a run to the border. At FBI Headquarters, Agent Doosh, Sarcastic Android, and a Sleastak in hornrims… No, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… Discuss their effort to locate the Oscillation Overthruster The Sleastak has a lead, but Agent Doosh thinks it might be a distraction.

Sleastak: “Don’t worry, I’ll drop it as soon as it’s cold.”
Doosh: “That’s what she said.”

Doosh orders Sarcastic Android to help the Sleastak with her lead, which is some sort of code fragment. She needs to find its source.

Sleastak: “I need to you to free up a socket for me.”
Sarcastic Android: “That’s what she said.”

Meanwhile, Jack, Chiggy Killer, Potato Face, Zombie Tony, and Zombie Streetwalker have tracked Prime Minister Morgan Freeman to MSNBC Headquarters, where he and his wife are being held hostage by the dastardly Colonel Lionel Jefferson. Zombie Streetwalker uses her FBI badge to get past door security while the others sneak in through a side door, except for Potato Face who is back in the car logging into “Interiorbuildingschematics.com.”

Anyway, the Sleastak tries to warn plant manager Spock Janeway that terrorists are using the Oscillation Overthruster to breach his firewall. Sleastak tries to tell him what the Oscillation Overthruster does, but Janeway cuts him off.

Janeway: “I know what that does, honey.”
Sleastak: “That’s what she said.”

2:18:53 to 2:28:13

The warp flatulence is set to blow in twelve minutes. Spock Janeway thinks he can stall the explosion by venting the warp flatulence into the pattern buffers, but only by entering the reaction chamber himself. Sleastak advises against it, but Spock Janeway says, “Dammit, I’m responsible for the lives of 148 crewmen aboard this vessel and the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and such.”

Back at MSNBC headquarters, Jack and his crew are preparing to bust into the place, free Morgan Freeman, capture Colonel Lionel Jefferson. Jack suggests a strategy.

Jack: “I think our best approach is a simultaneous double penetration.”
Chiggy: “I’m not touching that.”

Much shooting ensues. Colonel Lionel Jefferson destroys the Oscillation Overthruster before it can be used.

2:32:34 to 2:38:15

In order to cover his escape, Colonel Lionel Jefferson wires up Dr. Phlox like a Palestinian schoolboy.

Jack: “Stand back! He’s about to blow!”
Chiggy: “That’s what…”

KA-BOOM!!!!

Meanwhile, everybody from Agent Doosh to President Cankles has noticed that the attack is over and is wondering why. Spock Janeway is dead, of course.

2:42:42 to 2:48:06

Checking in on the C Story, Kevin Bacon is still dead. The first dude is still bald.

2:52:33 to 2:59:59

Prime Minister Morgan Freeman calls President Cankles to let her know that he is free, the Oscillation Overthruster is destroyed. She conveys the news to Alfred, who replies. “Oh, sh-t… I mean, hey, that’s great news.”

Jack agrees to give Morgan Freeman and the missus a ride to the White House. Zombie Tony doesn’t want to go.

Zombie Tony: “I just can’t come right now.”
Jack: “That’s … disappointing.”

Meanwhile, Colonel Lionel Jefferson arrives at his De-luxe apartment in the sky, calls to have his thug deliver the bald dude to him, and gets a little brown sugar from some diner skank.

Tick-Tock

1:00:00 to 1:13:54
Agent Douche chews out Sarcastic Android for referring to Agent Streetwalker in the past tense as the Planet Mercury looks on… oh, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… But it’s all good because Agent Streetwalker wasn’t dead, she was just taking a dirt nap. Chiggy and Potato Face dig her up and revive her with Zombie Juice. Zombie Streetwalker wants to call her boss at the FBI, but Chiggy won’t let her because any of several moles could give a head’s up to Highlander/Tanneth.

Meanwhile, the Magic Bus pulls into an airplane hangar, Highlander/Tanneth hops out and promptly holds a gun to Jack’s head, drawing a rebuke from Zombie Tony. “Accursed mandrake!” he yells as Jack urges him to “take the shot.” So, Zombie Tony shoots Highlander/Tanneth. Meanwhile, Colonel Lionel Jefferson who is apparently working out of the MSNBC newsroom orders his guy, Tad Huffington IV, to pick up Morgan Freeman and shoot everybody so he can keep his diamonds.

1:18:04 to 1:26:58
So, Jack is persuading Morgan Freeman to trust him and let Potato Face put a secret transmitter in his teeth so he can infiltrate MSNBC headquarters and capture Lionel Jefferson. Morgan Freeman is reluctant, but Mrs. Freeman tells him he has to have courage. To which he replies, “Oh, gee, thanks, Mrs-Couldn’t-Wait-to-Pull-the-Chicken-Switch-in-the-Panic-Room.”

Also, Tanneth lays a guilt trip on Zombie Tony: “How could I ever have suspected a man I convinced to turn traitor to his own government would ever turn on me?” He also tells Zombie Tony to go to hell, which you can tell hurts Tony deeply.

Alfred the Butler is still trying to get President Cankles to “just back the hell off!” Colonel Lionel Jefferson meanwhile sets up two jets, one filled with 250 puppies, the other with 21 kittens, to crash into each other in a spectacular fireball. KA-BOOM!

1:31:12 to 1:36:28

President Cankles meets with her cabinet, who offer this advice. “Madam President, our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot.” Cankles thanks Jimmy Carter for his advice, but says she is not backing down. She leaves, looking concerned and conflicted, holding out hope that Prime Minister Morgan Freeman can be recovered.

“Maybe the First Bald Dude can talk her out of this,” Alfred the Butler decides. “I’ll see if he’s hanging around in that chick’s apartment”

1:40:47 to 1:48:36
Potato Face shows Morgan Freeman the tiny transmitter. “Stand still while I jam this in your mouth.” “That’s what she said,” Morgan Freeman replies. Jack, meanwhile, apologizes to Zombie Streetwalker for shooting her and burying her alive, but also reminds her to count her blessings. “Every other woman I’ve ever liked has ended up dead or with Spam for brains, so, you’re actually doing pretty good.”

Anyway, first Bald First Dude is paralyzed in the apartment while Kevin Bacon acts out “Friday the Thirteenth” in front of him with the Skinny Gretchenish chick.

1:52:56 to 1:59:59
Tad Huffington IV pulls up in a van to pick up Morgan Freeman, claiming he iced Jack and Tanneth. Tad Huffington IV asks where Morgan Freeman is, and Zombie Tony says he’s on ice. Zombie Tony demands to see the ice before he gives up Morgan Freeman. Tony takes the diamonds, Tad’s men try to shoot him, but Zombie Tony and Jack drop them. They let Tad Huffington take Morgan Freeman to MSNBC headquarters.

Meanwhile, First Bald Dude recovers enough from his paralysis to use the Claw of Death to take out Kevin Bacon in a classic railing kill.

And Colonel Lionel Jefferson decides to kill 18,000 Americans by blowing up the Acme Deadly Chemicals plant in Kittenburg, Ohio.

Tck-Tock

Email from the Management: The name of the main character isn’t Ace, it’s Jack, you moron.

12:00:00 to 12:10:46

So, Zombie Tony, Highlander, and Jackyoumoron have busted into the home of Ambassador Morgan Freeman, who escapes into a panic room with his wife, who is prompty hit on by Jodie Foster. A vigorous beating of the butler, Benson, reveals that the panic room can only be opened from the inside. Jackyoumoron decides to flush them out by farting into the ventilation duct — which, for the first time in Hollywood history, is not large enough for a human to crawl through. He goes into the kitchen and pops a couple of frozen burritos into the microwave. 

Back at the FBI, the Sniper Dude’s lawyers are filing a complain against the shaved orangutan that forced them to undergo Scientology audits. “That’s not a shaved orangutan,” Chief Agent Douche tells them. “That’s Janeane Garofalo. And anyway, she’s busy trying to, you know, save thousands of lives from terrorists.” The lawyer, realizing he’d miss out on a major tort action if the lives are saved, tries to pull her off anyway, but Agent Douche stands his ground.

12:15:12 to 12:23:32

Jackyoumoron unleashes a steady stream of Mexican jet propulsion into the ventilation shaft. “Stop! Stop! We can’t take it!” Morgan Freeman cries out, his eyes watering. He refuses to open the door. Highlander urges Jackyoumoron to pick up the pace. Jackyoumoron refuses, “If I increase my rate of flatus, it will not just kill them, it could destroy the ozone layer and render the Earth uninhabitable.”  Finally, Mrs. Morgan Freeman wusses out and pulls the chicken switch. 

Agent Streetwalker shows up just as the Freeman’s are being hustled into a large yellow vehicle with dog cages in the back … a DC school bus. She is promptly captured by the bad guys, so she curses you Jackyoumoron, calling him, among other things, “Traitor” “Sonofabitch” and “Bundy!” That last one really hurts. “Keep it up and I’ll fake shoot you and bury you alive!” Which is a threat often heard on DC public school buses. Mainly from the driver.

 12:27:52 to 12:46:48

Checking in on sub-plots C, D, and E
- Sarcastic Android and Sigmund the Sea Monster … no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… do computer stuff to try and track down Agent Streetwalker

- Agent Douche is very angry and very concerned about Agent Streetwalker.

- Bald guy who looks like Rudy Giuliani is murdered by Secret Service Agent who looks like Kevin Bacon.

- President Cankles isn’t backing off on the attack despite the fact that Alfred the National Security Advisor is all but waving a flag saying, “I’m taking money from Mugatu! Stop the attack!”

The mole at the FBI says that Streetwalker “don’t know nothing,” so Highlander says, “Waste her.”

12:51:41 to 12:59:59

Highlander directs the DC school bus to an abandoned construction site. It’s remarkable that not a single construction worker is around; it’s either the recession or lunch break. (You know what else is remarkable? Is how much DC and its environs looks in no way like Southern California.)  As promised, he fake shoots Streetwalker and kicks her body into a hole, covering it with some handy plastic wrap that happened to be lying around. (“How CONVENIENT!”) Then, Highlander orders him to bury the corpse, because “It was real cool when they buried that chick alive in the third season of ‘Lost’.”) So, Jack and Zombie Tony reluctantly begin shoveling dirt on her.

Tick-Tock

10:00:00 to 10:17:38

Note: I’ve been informed by the management of this site that the main character’s name is Bauer, not Merrill. I apologize for any confusion.

As President Cankles discusses withdrawing US troops from Shangrila with Alfred the Butler, she gets a call from Harry Reid telling her the war is lost. “But we haven’t even started fighting yet!” she fumes. Reid then asks her to bail out his state’s vital casino and crime scene investigation industries.

Meanwhile, at the FBI, Zombie Tony is being sexually harassed by Hedorah the Smog Monster — No, wait, that’s just Janeane Garofalo. “Lift up your shirt,” she orders. “OK, I’ll talk,” Zombie Tony instantly pleads.

She leaves and lets Ace Bauer handle the interrogation, which goes something like this:

Ace Bauer: How are you still alive?
Zombie Tony: Brainsssss
Ace Bauer: Where is the flux capacitor?
Zombie Tony: Brainsssss
Ace Bauer: Why are you doing this?
Zombie Tony: Why are *you* doing this?
Ace Bauer: Stop copying me.
Zombie Tony: Brainsssss

Then, they get into a fight after Zombie Tony taunts Ace Bauer about his man-boobs and “girlie man-purse.” As Ace chokes him, Zombie whispers something about “Peach Pie” or “Pink Sky” or “Brainsssss.” Douch pulls Ace off Zombie Tony.

As soon as he is alone, Ace makes a phone call and is surprised to find himself talking to someone doing a Darth Vade impression. Ace: “Chiggy, is that you?” Chiggy:”Yes, Ace, and Potato Face is here, too. You have to break Zombie Tony out of FBI custody.” Ace: “OK, I’m on your side, now.”

10:21:52 to 10:28:44
Meanwhile, back at the subplot I have little interest in, Annoying Bald Guy #2 gets a call from Skinny Gretchen from Prison Break saying she has information about the death of his son.

Chiggy explains to Ace Bauer that Zonbie Tony is under deep cover investigating corruption. High ranking members of President Cankles’s administration are involved. If their cover is blown, they will wind up beside a jogging path in Fort Marcy Park.

10:32:53 to 10:51:52
The lead FBI Douche has taken over the interrogation and shows Zombie Tony some pictures to try to break him:

Douche: “These are the burned bodies of women and children murdered by the people you work for.”
Zombie Tony: “Hey, these are from Waco.”
Douche: “Oops”

The Sarcastic Android is busily tunneling underground and leaving small mounds of dirt when he is approached by the alien lizard captain from Galaxy Quest… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo. He complains about the Level 4 security lockdown. “How am I supposed to do my, um… *job* … yeah, that’s it… my job… with all this security in place? Soon after, a sasquatch in hornrim glasses… no wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo … tells Agent Streetwalker that she almost has the security breach nailed down.
She goes down into the server room and finds out the Sarcastic Android was illegally accessing FAA records, but it’s okay, because he was just checking on the status of Mrs. Sarcastic Android’s flight back from Vegas.

Meanwhile, Ace Bauer and Potato Face have a plan to spring Zombie Tony. Agent Streetwalker comes to Ace’s holding cell with his discharge forms. Ace: “Can I have a hug first?” Streetwalker: “OK… Not so hard… you’re… choking…me.” With Streetwalker on the floor, Ace gets her badge and her gun. He goes down to the holding cell and disables Agent Douche by pummeling him with his moobs, than he swats down the other guard with his man purse. He unlocks Zombie Tony, and they make it out of the holding cell while Potato Face hides their escape from the security cams. But the ruse is discovered by a bitchy, unattractive, talentless actress who made an entire career out of bitching about how unattractive actresses couldn’t get work in Hollywood, who blocks out Potato Face’s hack, regains control of the security cameras, discovers the escape, and activates the Intruder Alert siren.

10:55:25 to 10:59:59

Ace Bauer and Zombie Tony are trapped in the closet with Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R Kelly. Finding a clear stairwell, they try to escape but are cut off. They smash through a window onto a parking garage. The FBI guards fire at them with AK-47s. This being DC, fire is immediately returned by the Crips, the Bloods, the MS-13, and the Anacostia Boys Choir. The FBI is promptly outgunned. Chiggy picks them up in a blue van, and Chiggy promises to explain everything, but first he’s going to swing through a Hardees.

Gee, it’s a good thing the FBI doesn’t have helicopters or anything to follow the van with. “How CONVENIENT.”

11:00:00 to 11:11:56
President Cankles and her advisor, Alfred the Butler, have a frank and open discussion about giving into terrorists. Alfred wants to, but Cankles says she’d rather tdawdle some more.

Back at Chiggy’s hideout, Zombie Tony explains how Highlander brought him back to life using some kind of magic potion or whatnot. He joined Highlander’s Crew of disgruntled former postal workers, dedicated to making money by undermining the government. Then, Zombie Tony discovered that that the genocidal dictator of Shangrila was buying off high ranking officials in the US government with blood diamonds. Annoyed with the way Highlander bought into every trendy fad — first cocaine, then missile components, and then blood diamonds — Zombie Tony began working against him from the inside. He hooked up with Chiggy and Potato Face to make a three-person CTU operation. Ace Bauer agrees that the story makes perfect sense and agrees to help.

Agent Streetwalker heads off to interview the Sniper, and deciding that the interrogation can best be facilitated by an IT support person with no field experience or people skills… she takes along a partially deflated Macy’s parade balloon. No, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo’s ass.

11:26:23 to 11:26:54
So, Zombie Tony calls Highlander and ask if Ace can join the gang. Highlander invites them over to his secret hideout (i.e. his unfinished basement rec room) for a job interview.

Highlander: “What would you bring to the position of armed thug?”
Ace Bauer: “Well, I’m a people person, a self-starter, I work well with minimal supervision.”
Highlander: “Uh, huh. And what areas do you think you need to work harder on?”
Ace Bauer: “I tend to alienate and sometimes kill my family and loved ones because I’m so dedicated to my work.”
Highlander: “You’re hired. There’s just one thing. Before you start, there will be a drug test, and, oh Zombie Tony has to kill you.”

Instead of Tony shooting Ace, Highlander shoots Joe the Plumber for some reason, and welcomes Ace to the team.

11:30:47 to 11:38:40
Sarcastic Android calls the FAA and pretends to be Agent Douche so he can get his wife’s plane on the ground. FAA: “Okay, Agent Douche. What’s the secret code for moving a plane to the front of the line?” Sarcastic Android: “Um, is it, ‘please?’” FAA: “Thank you agent, we’ll have her proceeding to the gate in no time.”

President Cankles tells the Black Guy Who Talks Like Guido Sarducci — Uh, let’s call him, Prime Minister Morgan Freeman — that the Evil Black Guy with the Flux Capacitor — Um, we’ll call him, Lionel Jefferson — has the power to kill thousands of Americans. PM Morgan Freeman ups the ante by saying that Genocidal Dictator Mugatu — is about to send troops into a refugee camp and strangle all the women and children with piano ties unless the Americans stop him. Cankles is upset that Alfred never told her this. Alfred apologizes and offers her a blood diamond.

Meanwhile, Highlander reveals that his plan is to kidnap Prime Minister Morgan Freeman. That’s the job Ace and Tony were recruited for.

11:43:03 to 11:51:06
Agent Streetwalker arrives at the hospital to interrogate the Sniper. “You can come in,” says the nurse on duty. “But you’ll have to leave your shaved orangutan outside… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo.” Knowing she’ll have to complete the interrogation before the Sniper’s lawyer arrive, she sends out the shaved organgutan to stop them. “Hey, guys,” the shaved orangutan says to the lawyers. “Do you have a few minutes to discuss Scientology?” Meanwhile, Streetwalker tortures the Sniper by forcing him to listen to old Air America broadcasts. “You… can’t … do … this…” he gasps. She walks out of the hospital room a few minutes later with everything she needs to know. Meanwhile, the two lawyers are hooked to E-meters getting their O-levels checked.

11:55:33 to 11:59:59
Ace and Zombie Tony bust into the Embassy of East Genocidia and start shootin’ up the place. “Yeeee-haw!” Morgan Freeman and a lady with an elaborate hair-style make for the Panic Room. Ace busts through the dry-wall but finds reinforced cement encasing the chamber. “We have to get in there,” he shouts. “Get me Michael Scofield!”

Tick-Tock

In case you were busy watching the Golden Globes and don’t want to watch it on Hulu, our own VthK has provided the following recap of hours 1 and 2.  

08:00:00 to 08:16:57

OK, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these things, so my memory may be a little fuzzy. Anyway, as we start on Day 7 of Die Hard II 2… um, I mean, 24… and the very first line is “Put that phone away.” Which is ironic because, IIRC, people spend more time talking on phones in ’24′ than the night shift at Bangalore Customer Support, Inc.

So, anyway, there’s this guy who played a nerdy scientist on Stargate SG-1, and he’s driving his daughter to school when he gets caught in the middle of an Allstate product placement. Except instead of Dennis Haysbert telling him he’s in good hands, he gets captured by terrorists. The terrorist have this device that enables them to take over everything in the USA. But they recently upgraded to Vista and it’s no longer compatible. They need Stargate Scientist Guy to make it work.

Meanwhile, the main character… the blond guy with the anger management problem … gosh what is his name? I can’t remember but heplayed Ace Merrill in Stand By Me. Anyway, Ace Merrill is getting ragged on by Senator Red Foreman. We also learned CTU has been disbanded. It’s been a while, but I seem to recall CTU was some kind of rhythm and blues band. Anyway, Red Foreman, wants to know why Ace Merill tortured some guy, and Ace says that it was to save a busload of schoolchildren and kittens. “Think of the kittens!” Ace thunders at Red Foreman, then threatens to torture the smug look off his ass-face.

Then, Ace gets pulled out of the meeting by an FBI agent who, like Red Foreman, is a redhead but way more attractive. Ace promises to come back the next morning… i.e. 24 hours later. So, he really has a time limit this time. The redheaded agent is identified as Renee “Street” walker.  Streetwalker isn’t actually that hot, but next to Janeane Garofalo and President Cankles, she looks like Melissa Theriau.

Then I got confused because the scene switched to the FBI and at first I thought the ugly Stargate Scientist guy was talking to a sarcastic android. Then I realized it wasn’t the stargate scientist again, it was Janeane Garofalo. A bunch of other sub-plots were also introduced. President Cankles got her some jungle fever, and wants to invade Africa. Some bald guy who was either the VP or her husband is obsessing over the death of his son. Some douche of an FBI agent was strongly disapproving of Ace’s methods.

08:21:24 to 08:45:00

So, anyway, Streetwalker tells Ace Merrill that domestic terrorists have a device that will allow them to take over all infrastructure and wreak havoc on the government to teach them a lesson for dragging their feet on HDTV implementation. The leader of the terrorists is an old friend of Ace’s. Ace doesn’t believe it. “Tony’s dead. I saw it.” Streetwalker rolls her eyes. “You have to destroy the brain.”

Anyway, so Stargate Scientist Guy tells them to do a ctrl-alt-del and install new drivers, and now the device works fine. So, Zombie Tony is gonna go all Die Hard II on air traffic control, and the scene cuts away to a full 767 getting ready to take-off with some cute androgynous munchkin in the front row.

Meanwhile, President Cankles is watching reports of 200,000 people killed in Africa and regrets ever subscribing to The Genocide Channel. The Joint Chiefs are on-board with the invasion, but the Secretary of State… another bald dude… is wetting his pants submissively. That’s like three annoying bald dudes so far… Red Foreman, the SecState, and SubPlot Guy. Anyway, the FAA — showing far more competence than any other Federal Agency in history — has detected the intrusion into its system and wants to ground flights. But Cankles says not yet, she has to short sell her airline stocks first.

So, anyway, Ace is working with the sarcastic android to see if they can track down Zombie Tony. Then, Streetwalker gets attacked by a mutant rottweiler… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo talking about some chick stuff I guess. I don’t know. Then, Agent Douchebag tells Streetwalker to keep Ace on a short leash. “OK, if he’s into that,” she replies.

Anyway, the Sarcastic Android has helped Ace find one of his and Zombie Tony’s old contacts, named Sphincter, who not only happens to deal in Technology That Let’s You Take Over The World, but has also relocated from LA LA to DC. As the Church Lady would say, “How CONVENIENT!”

8:49:51 to 08:59:59

So, Ace and Streetwalker go to Sphincter’s office. Sphincter refuses to cooperate until Ace grabs a ballpoint pen and threatens to write “I Am Sphincter Boy” on Sphincter’s forehead. But before he can spill his guts, Sphincter gets shot by a sniper in the abdomen and starts spilling his guts, although not in a useful way. And the hour ends with Ace and Streetwalker chasing after the sniper.

09:00:00 to 09:10:52

So, Streetwalker and Bruce Willis — I mean Ace Merrill — are trying to catch the sniper and they got him trapped in a building. Streetwalker calls for back-up. Ace figures there must be a mole at the FBI, and he begins teaching his young padawan how to use the Force… the Force of completely distrusting all of your co-workers. I mean, Emperor Palpatine did have a mole at the Jedi Temple. I wonder if this means we’ll get a scene of Sarcastic Android slaughtering the younglings. I am pretty sure his character fantasizes about that. 

Anyway, then there’s a scene in which a rotting, putrifying moose carcass … no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo … reports to Agent Douchebag that the terrorists are now fully inside the system and there’s nothing the FBI can do to stop them.

Anyway, Zombie Tony has put the plane with the cute youngling on board (and probably a cargo hold full of orphaned kittens) on a collision course with another plane. But at the last minute, he wusses out and deprives the audience of much-needed carnage.

09:16:32 to 09:28:38

So, anyway, Streetwalker makes Ace wait in the car while she and the other agents seal off the building the sniper is hiding in. She cracks the window for him and leaves him a squeaky toy. A Magic Negro appears and absolves Ace Merrill of his sins. Then, Ace asks about Agent Streetwalker. “Oh, yeah, baby, she understands what it takes to get the job done IYKWIMAITTYD.” And just in case Ace doesn’t, the Magic Negro mimes the sound of a porn movie bass guitar.

 So, Zombie Tony passes off the Plot Device and the ugly scientist to a guy who looks like what would happen if a transporter accident merged Pierce Brosnan and John Kerry into one squinty, French-looking being with Rod Blagojevich hair. He turns out to be working with the Genocidal dictator of that African country President Cankles is all hot to invade. I’m almost sure the transporter accident guy played a system lord on SG-1. (For that matter, I also think President Cankles played the president on Space: Above and Beyond … but looking that up would also mean admitting I watched Space: Above and Beyond.) OK, checked his website, no SG-1 reference, but he did play an immortal on Highlander. Anyway, President Cankles meets with the other African guy who is the opposition leader against the genocidal dictator, but for some reason talks like Father Guido Sarducci. Why couldn’t they just have hired Mr. Eko from Lost? 

So, anyway, another annoying bald guy (This makes Number 4) shows up and helps the sniper escape from the building the FBI has “sealed off.” There’s also this other FBI guy who has a buzzcut and is always advising the president of this or that, but I only mention him to bookmark him as a Mole candidate.

 09:31:22 to 09:42:40

 So, Ace gets out of the car to “get some air.” And just as he does, the Sniper in the borrowed FBI vest walks by. (“How CONVENIENT!”) Ace notices his shoes are not standard FBI issue, but instead appear to be Stride-Rite pumps. He alerts Streetwalker and convinces her to leave the building and discreetly follow the assassin, but not to tell the FBI because “they’ll just screw things up.”

The FBI lead, agent Douchebag, finds out they’ve left the scene, and asks the turd-creature from “Weird Science” — no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo again — to figure out a way to track Agent Streetwalker and Ace.

 And then, in that other subplot, Annoying Bald Guy Number 2 roughs up some fairly-hot chick who kind of looks like Gretchen from ‘Prison Break’ after six months of Slim Fast, and she just got $400,000 wired into an off-shore account, but still works in telemarketing. He was gonna go all Ike Turner on her, but his driver intervened. I’m sure they’ll be back, but the show’s already about two subplots past my attention span.

 09:48:38 to 09:59:59

 So, Ace and Streetwalker follow the Sniper to the docks (which Streetwalker has worked many a time). Streetwalker gives Ace a gun. They beat the crap out of the sniper then shoot out a surveillance camera. As they walk up to the boat they think Zombie Tony is in, the sniper gets shot (ironically) by the crew of Tony’s board (Isaac, Doc, and Gopher.) So, Ace and Streetwalker shoot-up the boat. Streetwalker finds a laptop, but it’s deleting all the files on its hard drive.

Gawdam Vista. 

And Ace is trying to find Zombie Tony, but ZT pulls the old “Hide behind the pilot house door” trick and hits Ace in the face. Then, they beat the crap out of each other for the remaining few minutes of the program until Agent Douchebag shows up in a helicopter.

Tick-Tock

02:00:00 to 02:09:03
The words “Everything you touch turns up dead,” echo in Jack Bauer’s ears as he waits in the bleak CTU holding cell. “By the way,” SecDef Heller adds, “Hillary wants to know if you’d like to shake hands with Barack Obama.” Jack stews silently in his shame and disgrace, but at least he got to go the bathroom.

Awana Fuqya appears in the holding cell. “Ricky Stratton is leading a Tactical Team into the Bloomfield Copper Factory Dragon Lair. But you can’t go, because you have disgraced yourself, and brought dishonor to your family.” Jack asks if he could at least make himself useful by sticking around CTU and making coffee for everybody. Awana Fuqya agrees to ask the new CTU head when he gets there.

In CTU ops: Al Bundy: “Bicker. Bicker. Bicker.” RPF: “Bicker. Bicker. Shut your pie hole, Shoe Boy!” Al Bundy: “Bicker.”

Awana Fuqya addresses Ricky Stratton’s tactical team: “I just wanted to say good luck. We’re all counting on you. Make it so. Let’s be careful out there. And so forth.”

Meanwhile, in parallel scene, Lick Poo gives a pep talk to his own men, his lips moving out of synch with his dialog: “You Will be the Fist of the Dragon to carry out my evil plan. Ha-Ha.”
Sum Yung Guy asks, “What is your evil plan, master?”
Lick Poo; “It is EVIL, it is so EVIL. It is a bad, bad plan, which will hurt many… people… who are good. I think it’s great that it’s so bad. Ha-Ha!”

02:13:28 to 02:23:56
Jack Junior and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are watching the news. Jack Junior is despondent. “12,000 dead because of what dad did.” Patsy: “But Jack wasn’t respons… I mean, don’t take it so hard.” RPF watches creepily through the window. (Go for it Josh, she’s vulnerable.) RPF then tells Patsy that Penisnose is alive, but has the IQ of warm yogurt.

In DC, Weasel Cage presses Ann Coulter to call Daniel Jackson: “OK, we got Dan Rather to forge some memos showing the chip was destroyed. You pass them to Daniel, and he’ll pass them to the Ori… I mean the Russians.”

Patsy Ransey Bauer visits Jack in the cell. “Sorry I told you Penisnose was dead. So, y’wanna go out for soup or something?” Then Chloe drops in to tell him Ricky Stratton is leading the attack on Lick Poo’s Secret Dragon Lair. Jack gets visited by more hot babes in jail than Scott Peterson.

Ricky Stratton and his tactical team prepare to move into the Bloomfield Copper Factory Dragon Lair. They blow open the door and find it empty of course. “Look at these empty boxes, assault weapons, C-4, stun grenades, … this is an arsenal.” “Duh.” Ricky Stratton calls CTU: “It looks like the Chinese are either preparing a major assault or planning to host the Source Awards.”

Lick Poo’s men drop into the sewer led by a vicious bastard with a moustache called ‘Hung Lo.”
Lick Poo: “Dragon Fist! Prepare to Assault CTU. Ha-Ha!”
Hung Lo: Uhh, water, everywhere. All over me, I’m getting wet. Ha-ha!”

02:28:22 to 02:35:07
As the Dragon Fist prepares to storm CTU from below, CTU attends to business: Al Bundy: “Bicker” RPF: “Bicker Bicker” Al Bundy: “Bicker Bicker Bicker” RPF: “Apology” Al Bundy: “Sappy Platitude” RPF: “Bicker” Al Bundy: “I am never wrong. Just ask Griff.”

Back in DC, Ann Coulter meets Daniel at the door and kisses him with feverish tentativeness. Daniel Jackson is suspicious; “Hey baby, you seem tense, and I don’t got money for the pizza. How ’bout we work this out?” Ann Coulter: “Oh, you big stud. Me so horny, but first, can I take a shower?” Daniel Jackson protests: “Nah, I like it sweaty and dirty. I wanna strap you to the bed and rub Ragu sapghetti sauce all over you.” Weasel Cage listens in to the entire exchange in the back of his limo. “Scuse me, guys… um, I need some privacy for … um, a few minutes.”

Wakka chikka wakka chikka

02:39:32 to 02:45:48
Dragon Fist Army blows open the the underground entrance to CTU while Sum Yung Guy hacks their system. CTU soon devolves into confusion with their technology in major disarray. Al Bundy and RPF are so concerned, they almost forget to bicker.

Hung Lo and the Dragon Fist Army blow away some guards: “You will be dead now. Ha-ha!”

Jack hears the commotion and demands to be let out of his cell. He screams at his guard, “I need to get to the civilians in the lounge. I’m gonna ned a weapon” BUDDA! BUDDA! “Thank you.”

Jack shoots a couple of the Dragon Fist army with the dead guard’s gun, and then wastes another one comin’ down the stairs, which supplies him with a much bigger gun.

Hung Lo and his Dragon Fist Army have taken over the CTU Ops Center. Hung Lo demands to know who is in charge. To protect Awana Fuqya, Kemper claims he is. Hung Lo shoots him

Spoiling the moment entirely, Fox cuts immediately to the cheery “Downtown” commercial.

02:50:14 to 02:59:59
CTU is easily subdued and cowering like the petals of an orchid flower. Ha-Ha!

The Dragon Fist Army hits the lounge and tries to take Patsy and Jack Junior. They don’t get very far before Jack Senior shows up and blows them away with his big borrowed gun. Jack Junior escapes through the fan and into the air duct, but the Dragon Fist Army is right behind them and Jack is out of ammo. Jack and Patsy are captured.

Lick Poo screams into his cell phone like Michael Jackson: “Get the boy back. I don’t care what you have to do.”

Meanwhile, Hung Lo has another problem: “Some guy named Ricky Stratton keeps calling.” He puts Awana Fuqya on the phone: “If you try to warn him, I will kill everyone here, starting with you.”

Ricky Stratton: “I’ve been trying to call you guys. What gives?”
Fuqya: “Everybody’s on a break. In fact, I’m on a break. Can I call you back?”

Hung Lo gets on the PA system: “Ha-Ha! Boy child of my master’s enemy. You will surrender or I will kill your mother. Ha-Ha!” Josh surrenders, the Dragon Fist Army grabs him, and it turns out this was all Zephram Cochrane Bauer’s idea, who agreed to fix the chip in return for Lick Poo using the Dragon Fist army to kidnap Jack Junior. Fortunately, Lick Poo has his Dragon Fist Army standing by, even at 2:00 in the morning, for just such a circumstance. Now, Zephram Conchrane intends to take Jack Junior to his mountain fortress in China, where he will learn the ways of the Ninja.

Tick-Tock

With Guest Blogger: Master Yoda

01:00:00 to 01:12:46
Ricky Stratton the CTU Tac Team assures, “All the C4, you have. Clean the building is.” Then, PenisNose, he comforts. Ricky Stratton: “Safe you are. Anything that to Lick Poo could lead us, did you hear?”
Penisnose: “I like mittens.”
Qualified to be Speaker of the House, she is. Hm?

Ricky Stratton then Jack Bauer to CTU defends: “His fault the Heathen Chinee have the chip, it isn’t. Blown this house like Monica Lewinsky on Spring Break, he would have. Failed him, I did.”

Fuqya Awana having none of it, she is. Insists that Jack to the CTU be brought. Al Bundy’s request for transfer, she denies. “Indulge your personal melodrama, I will not. Keep your personal life to yourself, you will. Tomorrow, better you will feel, hm?”

In DC, Jim Jones tp Frau Blucher a comforting glass of Kool-Aid offers: “Had to fire your husband from CTU, a bummer it is. Appreciate your sacrifice, I do.”
Then, by Weasel Cage, they are informed: Subaru about the stolen nuclear arming chip knows. “Nuke you, I will!” Subaru threatens. A clue, the White House gets. A spy among them, there must be. What expendable character this time? Answer the question, the next scene, does:

Ann Coulter to her apartment returns. There, Daniel Jackson, ready to show her his “staff weapon,” is. Daniel Jackson: “Bend over, you must, and plow you, I will.” Ann Coulter: “Some kind of faggot, what are you?”

Lick Poo transmitting schematics and whatnot to a confederate is. Then, a broken circuit board he discovers. “Lousy Chinese crap!” Needing someone with the necessary expertise, he is. Lick Poo: “My power tools heat up and to kidnap Al Bundy prepare.”

01:17:12 to 01:25:48
Daniel Jackson faster in the sack than Jeff Gordon on bennies must be. While Ann Coulter a shower takes, an espionage device into her purse Daniel Jackson places.

Al Bundy, Russet Potato Face dumps. To be her, it sucks. Cares, no one does.

Dr. Dickhead to CTU arrives. “Do anything about her nose, can we?” he asks, Examines her, he does. More track marks and bruises than Courtney Love after Lilith Fair, she has. Inject her with even more drugs, he wants to. A worse bedside manner than House, he has.

Ricky Stratton Jack to the holding cell, escorts. Jack: “Talk to Penisnose, I must. Only person who can get through to her, I am.” Ricky Stratton to Fuqya Awana Jacks plea takes: “A chance with her to Jack, give,” he asks. Fuqya Awana having none of it is: “No, even though Jack always right is… not listen to him once again, we shall.”

1:30:12 to 1:37:02
Weasel Cage the leak back to Ann Coulter traces. Weasel Cage also a New York Post Liz Smith column, has. “Apparently, she, Daniel Jackson, like a screen door, bangs. Daniel Jackson, working for the Rooskies, is.” “I’m hittin’ that, too.” JJ brags. Then, breaks down and cries like a little girl for his dead wife, he does. “Coulter was right, smoke the pipe, you do.” Weasel Cage sneers.

Ricky Stratton Jack in the holding cell visits. Then, Ricky’s autoerotic asphyxiation fantasy, Jack fulfills. Jack from the holding cell escapes and some guards clocks and Audrey he releases and takes into hiding. Kemper this observes, “If let Jack see her, you had. Happened, none of this, would have.”

1:41:25 to 1:48:09
RPF from CTU you conspicuously absent is. Fuqya Awana, Ricky Stratton, of letting Jack loose, accuses. “Rule, O’Doyle does!” triumphantly Ricky Stratton shouts.

Jack, Audrey into Edgar Stiles secret sub-basement pr0n stash hides. Jack for information begs, but responsive, she is not. Jack: “Yes, I know you like mittens. But can you remember anything helpful?” CTU dorks through the door with a blowtorch cut. Jack a gun at Ricky Stratton points. “Bloomfield” Audrey shouts, a good time in a Detroit suburb remembering. Fuqya Awana convinced it something means.

1:52:32 to 1:59:59
The Russian Army preparing to attack is. “Around the american military base, a perimeter, create,” JJ orders.

Ann Coulter to JJ’s office returns. “You didn’t just betray me, you betrayed your country. The Dark Side, a powerful attraction it holds, hm? Now, to your boyfriend go back. That we have the chip, make him believe… or else, label you an enemy combatant and lock you in a cell until the Lions win the Superbowl, I will.” She says she will try. JJ: “No! Do or do not! There is no try.”

To the Bloomfield copper plant CTU a Tac Team dispatches.

Heller his daughter comforts. Plans to buy mittens, he does. In Jack’s cell, he portends. “Near my daughter ever again I you to ever go don’t want.”

Jacks simply says, “What?”

Like Hurley from last week’s Lost, he is channeling.

Tick-Tock

(I was challenged to TivoBlog this episode backwards. I’d like to see that jerk Steve at Dave Barry try this!)

Tock-Tick

Jack watches as Penis Nose spazzes out and babbles nonsense about how she’s going to save to world from Global Warming by using only one square of toilet paper. Clearly, she’s out of her mind. “What did the Heathen Chinee do to her?”

Jack is furious at Ricky Stratton. “I had this handled. Why the hell didn’t you listen to me?” He explains there was enough C-4 in the wall to make the Bates Motel “blow up real good.” Ricky Stratton puts the cuffs on Jack and prepares to haul him back to CTU.

Lick Poo seems destined to make his escape with the Russian Chip. Lick Poo shoots down a chopper with a missile. CTU is in hot pursuit of Lick Poo who’s in the back seat of a military vehicle getting a hummer, or something like that. Lick Poo runs to the three hummers that are waiting for him behind the hotel.

The teams arive just in time to start shooting things up. Ricky Stratton shoots Jack right in the flak vest. Ricky Stratton sees Penis Nose walking away and knows Jack is about to make the trade. Jack won’t give up the chip until Penis Nose is safe. Lick Poo pulls up at the Bates Motel in a rented prom limo as Ricky Stratton watches from a distance.

12:59:59 to 12:51:34
Awana Fuqya takes over CTU. “I am your queen, now, infidels! Bow before me!”

The redshirts come for Chiggy. “We’re escorting you off the premises. There’ll be a new Director in a few hours. It’ll probably be Stratton. You’re in charge now,” he tells Awana Fuqya. Fuqya consoles him, “Sucks to be you,” Chiggy takes Awana Fuqya into his office and tells her .”I’m stepping down as Director of CTU. I was fired.”

Ricky Stratton spots a vehicle parked behind an abandoned motel and nose it’s Jack’s because of the license plate “DAMMIT1″ and the bumper-sticker reading “I tortured your Honor Student.”
Frau Blucher breaks the news to Chiggy in the most sensitive way possible, “Hey, everybody who still has a job at CTU take one step forward. Not so fast, honey.”

Al Bundy visits Chiggy to request a transfer. “RPF and me aren’t getting along. Put me anywhere else.” “How about women’s shoes?” “Fabulous”

12:47:13 to 12:38:53

Jack calls Chiggy Killer. “Just letting you know, I am destroying the chip. And, by the way you’ve been a real mensch. Oy.” Jack, in the Bates motel, works on his shop project. It involves some wires and enough C-4 to produce an explosion greater than all the explosives used by all the terrorists in all the attacks made against the United States under the Clinton administration.

Frau Blucher goes to Weasel Cage for advice on what to do, throw Chiggy under the bus to save herself, or vice versa. Weasel Cage tells her “Girlffriend, he’s holding you back. Lose that Zero and get yourself a hero!”

He kicks them out and gets to work. Jack opens one of the rooms of the motel and finds 854 illegal immigrants living in it. Jack pulls up at the Bates motel, parks his Toyota Tundra around the back, and grabs his man-purse.

12:33:34 to 12:28:14

Bernie Mac lays it down for Frau Blucher. “Someone’s gonna burn for this. You or Chiggy. Take your pick.” Rodent Boy is breaking down like Nancy Kerrigan. “Frau Blucher is covering up for Chiggy Killer. He had Sameer Nagonaworkhere and he let him go.” “He is such a weasel,” Frau Blucher blurts out. Frau Blucher is meeting with Bernie Mac.

Al Bundy storms off, RPF apologizes ineffectually for taking their cat fight too far. RPF and Al Bundy are going at it like Peg Bundy and Al Bundy. “How come you can’t satisfy me in bed, Al?” “How come you can’t cook, Peg?” “How come you programmed nuclear warheads for terrorists, Al?” RPF gives up and sends the files to Kemper for decryption. Al Bundy and PRF, still bickering. Awana Fuqya tells RPF to check all the calls on all the cell towers Jack might have used.

Ricky Stratton looks at the tire tracks and determines Jack must be on the 305. Also, “Many men come this way, nine horses, two days ago!”

12:23:55 to 12:14:42

Jack calls Lick Poo. “Change in plan, now you have to meet me at the Bates Motel.” Lick Poo agrees.

Weasel Cage and JJ agree that they have a lot in common, and decide that their relationship might just work out after all. JJ’s first official act is to threaten Weasel Cage. “It concerns me that you have been committing perjury and conspiracy. I don’t think that that is behavior befitting the acting president of the United States.” JJ chuckles. “What? Did you sleep through the 90′s or something?” JJ prepares to seize the reigns of power, and the whips and chains, too, but enough about him and Ann Coulter.

Ricky Stratton keeps following Jack, but with Jack’s space-folding ability, it’s almost impossible to keep up with him.

Al Bundy and Jack bicker once again. Jack ditches the tracking base under some power lines. Al Bundy loses the tracking signal on Jack Bauer.

Chiggy informs CTU that Jack has gone rogue, which is naturally what happend when he tastes human blood. Ricky calls Chiggy to tell him he screwed up. Ricky Stratton then turns to car-jacking. He knew all that time hanging out with Todd Bridges wasn’t wasted.

12:10:17 to 12:00:00

11:00:00 to 11:11:14
The hour begins with a little tender male bonding between Jack and Ricky Stratton: “Jack, I know you’ve been through Hell, and I want you to know, I respect you, man, and everything you did. Hey, if you’re not doing anything later, wanna come back to my place and watch figure-skating?”

But Jack has to take a call from the Heathen Chinee intelligence officer, Lick Poo. Lick Poo will swap Penis-Nose for the arming chips on the nuclear devices, which somehow contain the entire key to all of Russia’s defense systems. If Jack refuses, the Heathen Chinee will whack off Penis Nose.

Back in DC, President Belushi isn’t looking so good, but he can’t step down, not with Jim Jones ready to burst through the wall with a hearty “Oh, Yeah!” So, Weasel Cage offers him a way out and tells him about the tape where Jim Jones refers to Cynthia McKinney Belushi as a “Nappy Headed Ho.” But then, Frau Blucher bursts into the Batcave with good news: “The Heathen Chinee are gonna kill Penis Nose!”

While Chiggy Killer gives a hearty speech praising the surviving CTU staff for finding the nukes, for going 16 hours without a mole, and reminding them that “next Friday… is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.”

RPF gets a call from Jack asking for the specs to the nucular bombs so he can swap them for Penis Nose. Chloe hesitates, “Jack, we both know that would result in an international incident… besides, shouldn’t you be with the mother of your child? Patsy Ramsey?” Jack assures her that he’ll never let those “yellow bastards” get their hands on the chip. RPF tries to get the specs off Al Bundy’s workstation, but it takes a while as she sorts through his collection of foot fetish pr0n. Finally, she gets the specs to Jack just in the nick of time.

11:15:28 to 11:25:02
Jim Belushi calls Jim Jones in the Oval Office. “Look, JJ, I think you’re great and everything… but I just think we should both see other Chief Executives for a while.” JJ replies, more or less, “Bite my angry, Bob-Dole-like, ass.” JB tries to be conciliatory: “Now, don’t make this hard. We can still be friends.” But ends up threatening to release the “nappy headed ho” tape to Al Sharpton. JJ concedes.

At CTU, Al Bundy spots the system hacking because he had installed a key-logger when no one was looking. RPF confesses. “All right, I did it to help Jack, but it’s cool. Jack promised that he probably won’t give the triggers to the Chinese.” Al Bundy disagrees, “But I feel really bummed about helping the terrorists with those codes, I’m gonna narc you out.” “Never mind, I’ll narc myself out.” RPF goes to Chiggy’s office to confess in person.

Back where the bombs are, Jack tries to intimidates the Marines into letting him pass by making his fur stand on end and hissing at them. He succeeds, but then while he is removing the circuit board. Light Beer (Ricky Stratton) appears, and puts Jack (once again) in handcuffs. Jack has spent more time in handcuffs this season than Dick Morris at a bondage convention.

11:28:15 to 11:34:28
Jack talks to President Belushi to get permission to swap the nucular trigger for Penis Nose. “As Janet Reno once said, Mr President, you owe me, bitch.” After Jack promises to load the chip with C-4 and go “Allah Akhbar” if Lick Poo tries to take it, the president reluctantly agrees.

11:38:42 to 11:47:52
Jack asks Ricky Stratton for help. “I need you to help me with Audrey’s extraction. The Heathen Chinee are very crafty.” Jack also has a score to settle with Lick Poo, who tortured him while he was in China. Jack promises, “When we’re done, the chip will be destroyed, and Lick Poo will be dead.”

Chloe and Al Bundy have a spat, but no one cares.

Ricky Stratton isn’t thrilled to be along for the ride, and thinks Jack should kick Penis Nose to the curb. “I don’t mix relationships with my job, Jack. Not since I lost my virginity to Erin Grey, anyway.”

Back in DC, JJ tells Ann Coulter, “The President asked me to resign, and I’m going to.” Ann Coulter doesn’t like it, “That faggot? I’ll scratch his eyes out and convert him to Christianity!” JJ takes her hand and tells her not to worry. “Hey, forget it, after I resign, I am gonna bone you like Snoop Dogg.” They go to watch the president’s midnight press conference. Zombie President Belushi yammers on about national healing and whatnot and at first no one notices he’s babbling like Jessica Savitch. But then he suffers a seizure, and passes out. At first, the press applauds his Chevy Chase impression, but they realize something is wrong when JJ runs to the podium, spikes a football, and does a dance in the End Zone.

11:52:04 to 11:59:59
In the White House, the physician has, during the commercial break, diagnosed a stroke, sent the president to Bethesda Naval Hospital for an MRI, and cooked a Hot Pocket in his microwave. With JJ’s in charge again, Ann Coulter checks the calendar and spots the presidential directive authorizing Jack’s covert action. JJ thinks its a bad idea. “She bought her ticket. She knew the risks. I say, let her crash!”

Chiggy calls Doyle, and tells him to stand down the operation. “I need you to divert Jack from the freeway to a tactical team that will take him down” Doyle nods, “Roger that.”

“Who was that?” Jack asks. “Oh, nobody. By the way, Jack, we can’t take the 118. There’s been an accident. A semi-truck full of eggs hit a truck full of cheese; there’s quiche everywhere.” Jack doesn’t buy it, he pulls a gun. “I blew away Cola, I can sure as Hell blow away Light Beer.” He tells Doyle, “Put out or Get Out.”

Since he actually just meant, “get out,” Jack leaves him by the side of the road.

Tick-Tock

10:00:00 to 10:11:04
Yee-hah! Slim Pickens is riding the missile straight into Durkadurkastan! Fixin’ to unleash some bottled sunshine. Frau Blucher and Weasel Cage are desperate to stop the missiles. Frau Blucher begs Chiggy to lie and say Jack is getting dirt from Nagonaworkhere, but Chiggy won’t lie.

In full-blown panic, the ambassador from Durkadurkastan reports that his government has taken General Heebiejeebi into custody for working with Sameer Nagonaworkhere’s terrorist cell. Zombie President Belushi aborts the missile. Now knowing the Durkadurkastanis have been lying the whole time, and the whole thing was a bluff it wasn’t a real missile it was a dummy warhead (Demond Wilson was strapped to the nosecone.)

Back in El Lay, Jack pounds Nagonaworkhere like cheap veal, but Nagonaworkhere won’t talk. Ricky Stratton wants to take a turn with him.

Ricky Stratton: “You think you’re gonna be some knd of martyr. I don’t think so, punk.”
Nagonaworkhere: “I serve the will of God.”
Ricky Stratton (putting a gun to Nagonaworkhere’s head): “Let’s try out that theory.”

Jack stops Ricky Stratton and books the David Crosby suite at Betty Ford to hook up Nagonaworkhere to some chemical persuasion.

10:15:32 to 10:22:54
Weasel Cage brings Heebiejeebi’s permanent record from elementary school. Zombie President Belushi is pleased. “Ha! Ran with scissors! I knew it!” Weasel apologizes for not trusting ZPB’s judgment, and Belushi apologizes for not being more sensitive to Weasel Cage’s feelings. ZPB says, “We all learned something here today.” You know how I can tell ZPB and WC are gay? Because they hold each other oh so tenderly.

Naturally, the armored van is rammed by an armored truck on the way back to CTU. A bunch of thugs bust out of the armored truck and come at Jack and Ricky Stratton with machine guns. Jack uses his sidearm and manages to take out a couple before the bullet with his name on it finds him and leaves him sprawled on the pavement. As soon as Jack and Ricky are down, the thugs hustle off with Nagonaworkhere.

Jacks lies dead on the pavement. Then he rises as Zombie Jack Bauer. He informs CTU that the “rescue” of Nagonaworkhere went off as planned. Then, Zombie Bacardi turns to Zombie Light Beer and says, “Ricky you’re bleeding… and your brains smell delicious.” Ricky insists that it’s minor.

As the armored van speeds away, a middle eastern man informs Nagonworkhere, “General Heebijeebi sent us. He wants us to help you rendezvous with your men.” “Give me your gun,” Nagonaworkhere demands, and then demands to talk to Heebijeebi directly.

10:27:23 to 10:37:32 Chiggy recaps the previous segment for the benefit of Zombie President Belushi and anyone else who was tuning in late or was too stupid to figure it out. (You know, like people who watch ‘The View.’) Chiggy and Zombie President Belushi to arrange for Heebijeebi to call in. The Durkadurkastani ambassador grovels in gratitude for the president not making baked glass out of the desert. Now, Frau Blucher starts talking tough, “That’s not good enough, you lying sack of crap.” “It’s not lying, it’s taqiyya, and besides, we even arrested his family. What else do you want from us?” ZPB suggests: “Well, could you shoot them… or at least fake it like Jack did in Season 2.”

Back at CTU, Kemper is all pissy because he thinks Awana Fuqya likes Ricky Stratton better than him. Fuqya insists that she’s only being nice because she likes hanging around Ricky’s dad’s mansion, which is stocked with arcade video games and has a scale model train. Al Bundy here’s them arguing, and offers Kemper some words of wisdom. “Women, can’t live with them… the end.”

As the Durkadurkastani’s hold a gun to his son’s head for inspiration, Heebijeebi talks to Nagonworkhere. “You suck Nagonaworkhere. I should have sent Bahir to run this martyrdom operation. Make with the bombs already.” Nagonaworkhere gives the team directions to the safe house.

Back at the Batcave, the president collapses.There hasn’t been a president who fell down this much since Ulysses S Grant.

10:41:53 to 10:47:24
Awana Fuqya finds an inconsistency in the general’s transcript. “He talks about someone named Bahir. That’s not even a real middle Eastern name. it’s that kid from ‘South Park.”’ She thinks it may have been a duress code. Jack tries to warn the CTU guys in the armored car, but just then, their truck enters a tunnel, cutting them off. The next time Jack sees the armored truck, it’s stopped into the tunnel and most of the CTU tactical team is dead.

Seeing bullet holes in the service door of the tunnel (they always seem to have those, don’t they?) Jack follows it and sees Nagonaworkhere pummeling some undocumented worker who was just doing a job American’s won’t do. Then, Nagonaworkhere steals his truck. Apparently, the FBI was asleep at the switch when Nagonaworkhere took a CDL course and got a Class F Heavy Equipment License.

Jack clings to the bottom of the garbage truck, and still manages to call CTU. “Hey, Look at me, I’m T.J. Hooker!”

10:51:42 to 10:59:59
Zombie President Belushi is strapped back into his chair. “Must. Eat. More. Brains.” His doctor will have none of it. “Either you stop eating brains or I quit.” “What if I just ate one really big brain?” Frau Blucher agrees to send for George F. Will.

Nagonaworkhere speeds back towards Initech. Upon arrival, he orders his men to load the nukes onto the truck and make ready to drive to the middle of downtown Los Angeles, where they will detonate them at midnight, resulting in as many as five casualties.

Then, Jack starts shooting up the place. There are like twenty terrorists firing at him with AK’s, and Jack’s got like one hand gun and a can of Dole pineapple, but he fights like Chuck Norris and kills them all and then beats the crap outta Sameer Nagonaworkhere. Jack hooks him up to a chain and whispers, “Say hello to your little brother… and my wife … and Tony Almeda, and Michelle Dressler, and Edgar Stiles, and Edgar Stiles’s Mom, and Lynn McGill, and Curtis Manning and David Palmer and Ryan Chappelle and … Elvis and Don Knotts.” Then Jack hangs him.

Doyle is the first to catch up with him. “Bombs are on the table.” Jack tells him. “It’s Miller Time.” Jack checks his watch. “And in less time than it usually takes.”

Then, Jack gets a mysterious phone call from his “dead” Season 4 girlfriend, Zombie Penis Nose. The heathen Chinee are holding her prisoner and torturing, but unlike with Muslims, you won’t hear any professional grievance groups whining about it. Just ask Sarah Silverman. Anyway, the heathen Chinee demand that Jack call them back, presumably, so they can continue to do horrible things to him.

Or for them?

Tick Tock

09:00:00 to 09:09:07
In the Batcave, Zombie President Belushi munches on some fresh brains and declines the use of a wheelchair. Frau Blucher compares Zombie President Belushi to FDR. “FDR could do lots of things in a wheelchair… which is how he knocked up my mom.”

Meanwhile, Jim Jones has snapped and now thinks he’s Bob Dole.When Zombie President Belushi enters the conference room, he says, “”Jim Jones is glad to see you back. Jim Jones thinks you should step down. Jim Jones is tired of the president doing nothing in response to terrorism. Jim Jones wants to talk to the attorney general.”

At CTU, Jack lets Chiggy has no intention of following through on any immunity agreement with Whistler.

09:13:32 to 09:20:07
At CTU: Kemper and Awana Fuqya needlessly remind the audience that their tense working relationship is now counterpointed by a hot personal relationship.
Kemper: “Any word on the cabinet vote?”
Awana: “Nope.”
Kemper: “Wanna make out in the server room?”
Awana: “Maybe. You realize I am a devout Muslim, so, I am going to be honor-killed for what we did, you infidel bastard.”
Kemper: “Sucks to be you.”

Ricky Stratton apologizes to Awana Fuqya. Then, he tells her he thinks Kemper screwed up, and he wants her to nail him by snooping into his computer. Either that, or he’ll call the Geek Squad from Best Buy haul him away kicking and screaming, and that will be embarrassing for everybody.

Back at the batcave, the cabinet votes on whether to drink Kool Aid with Jim Jones or eat brains with Jim Belushi. Of course, it comes out a 7-7 tie. According to the Attorney General, there’s no majority, Zombie President Belushi stays in power. Belushi does a victory dance then eats the brains of the Secretary for Housing and Urban Development.

Jim Jones disagrees. “Jim Jones disagrees,” he says. “Frau Blucher doesn’t count, she resigned and Jim Jones accepted her resignation. Jim Jones is the president. Where’s the outrage?” “I’ll sue your cracker ass,” declares President Belushi. “It’s up to the Supreme Court,” the Attorney General decides. Weasel Cage suggests they wake up the supreme court and present them with briefs, except Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who’ll just sleep through it anyway, and John Paul Stevens, whose briefs are stained with his senile incontinence.

09:24:34 to 09:37:02
Awana Fuqya distracts Kemper by complaining of a hardware problem.
Awana:”My cupholder is broken.”
Kemper: “You mean the CD-ROM drive.”
Awana: “Is that what that thing is?”

Kemper goes to check it out. She checks out his computer and finds out he forget to refresh his password and also clicked on some damn ‘punch the monkey’ thing, in violation of CTU rules. Stratton covers up for him, “You see, that’s what I do. I act like a total dick, then I turn around and do something decent. Crazy, isn’t it?” Awana Fuqya is surprised when he quotes the Koran at her. “Yes I’ve read the Koran. And the Bible… but I’m all really about Dianetics. You know, if we could just get those terrorists into auditing, get them into clear Thetas…”

Immunity deal in hand, Whistler calls Nagonaworkere. They agree to meet at the Santa Monica pier in ten minutes. “It’ll be romantic. I can see it now: just you, me, and the moon. Wear a necktie so I’ll know you.”

Nagonaworkhere and his henchmen are loading beer kegs into the back of a truck, apparently they support their terrorism by working as Coors distributors. “Let’s just nuke ‘em now, and declare ‘Miller Time.’” one of the henchmen says. But Nagonaworkhere is gonna stick with the man. “No, with Whistler’s data, we can irradiate half of California.”

Cynthia McKinney Belushi is putting together the brief. “Ladies and crackers of the court, If you don’t leave my brother in power, I’ll beat you to death with my cell phone.” They agree they’ve got a strong case. Ann Coulter and Jim Jones are performing their own evaluation and decide their best shot is for Ann Coulter to perjure himself. “Jim Jones wants you to commit perjury,” says Jim Jones, then sends her out to get some Viagra. Weasel Cage walks in. He shows Jim Jones the transmitter that picked up his conversation with Ann Coulter. “Jim Jones says turn that off before I shove this pen through your neck.”

09:41:25 to 9:48:13
Cynthia McKinney informs Zombie President Belushi that Vice President Jim Jones has withdrawn his suit. “Hot damn!’ Zombie President Belushi exclaims. “Now, back to appeasement.” He asks her to tell those cabinet members who sided with Jim Jones to wash their heads and come into his office. Then, he calls his doctor.

A CTU techie injects Whistler with a radioactive isotope that will lodge in his bones and enable CTU to track him. He picks up a cell phone, reads a txt msg, wonders what the hell “S dat a ph n yr pocket or RU Jst =:) 2C M?” means, then two thugs grab him and take him into a building, where he strips off the wire.

Nagonaworkhere is crushed. “You led them to me?”"I had no choice, but if you listen to me, we both get out of here alive.” Jack follows his signal into the building, where he finds out that Whistler has been disarmed.

9:52:36 to 9:59:59
An exciting top of the hour shoot out ensues. Jack is pinned down by Nagonaworkhere’s martyrs, but manages to kill them somehow.

Meanwhile, a one-armed Russian and a Muslim terrorist walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Where did you get that horrible hideous thing?” the one-armed Russian says, “Saudi Arabia.”

Then, shooting breaks out in the bar. A bar patron goes down. Jack kicks Nagonaworkhere in the face, but Whistler escapes.

Zombie President Belushi eats his doctor’s brain.

Whistler stumbles underneath the pier. Weak from blood loss and reeking of swarthy terrorist man-love, he falls. As he dies, he sees a vision in the distance… a man in a leather jacket water-skiing over a shark. What could it mean?

Frau Blucher wants to declare a truce with Weasel Cage. They agree to agree to disagree. Then, Weasel Cage gets an ominous phone call. President Belushi is going ahead with the nuclear strike. The launch is successful.

Hey, if Mitt Romney can flip-flop on abortion…

Tick-Tock

08:00:00 to 08:10:23

The Drone Op’s as dead as Britney’s career.
Jack’s pissed for the excessive corpses, ’round here
Martouf finds the module, that proves AF was no mole
He sells it to Ricky, in exchange for his soul

Chiggy tells Jack about the Veep’s plan
To pass out Atomic Kool-Aid to Durkadurkastan
“Doesn’t he know that that will start World War III?”
And Chiggy asks, “Jack, when do you pee?”

Whistler is pissed because his drone didn’t blow.
With three bombs down and two more to go.
Nagonaworkhere’s fed up, tells Whistler to Farg It
But Whistler says “Only I can give you the target.”

Whistler calls Charlie Babbit, for his services, begs
Raymond will do it when he’s done with his eggs.
But his desperate call was intercepted by Chloe.
Awana Fuqya is arrested as an enemy combatant, Oy!

08:14:35 to 08:24:08

Cynthia McKinney keeps vigil, by the president’s bed, in a stupor,
And in the midst of distress, she’s bugged by Frau Blucher
“Jim Belushi must awaken, we have enemies to appease”
Cyn’ smacks her with a cell phone. But then she agrees.

Back at the Batcave, the Vickery takes position
To launch a nuke payload at Jim Jones’s volition
The bomb has a yield of 300 kilotons
That will burn durkastanis into char-broiled skeletons

Jim Jones asks how many stiffs they’ll be making,
Then Ann Coulter walks in, there’s a call that needs taking.
“Belushi’s faggot doctor is bringing him out of the coma.
He’ll FUBAR your plans to droppa the bomba.”

Jim Jones calls the doctor. “If you don’t stop right now,
I’ll make you stop, though I’m not sure quite how.”
The doctor says “it’s not up to you, it’s Cynthia’s choice,”
Then, whacks him with a cell phone, with text and with voice.

Back in L.A., Jack and his crew, on the move
Into Rain Man’s house, and they start to groove
Charlie Babbitt takes bullets right through the pants
And confesses the target is a nuke power plant.

08:28:22 to 08:34:45

Jack goes easy on Raymond, for mercy’s good sake
Jack tells Raymond his brother has made some mistakes,
Raymonds says: “Hey, I make mistakes, too
Like that time I used my own turds to make stew.”

Jack decides to go forward and set up a sting…
To nail the terrorists, it’s the onliest thing
Charlie calls Whistler, says don’t be a fool
And then sets up Rain Man, to act as his mule.

Martouf goes to Milo, back at CTU
And tells him about the module, intending Ricky to screw
Milo thought he nailed Ricky, but Al Bundy appeared
Said, “He gave me the module, Awana Fuqya is cleared.”

Ricky pins Martouf, it’s his favorite pasttime
And says, “You’ve screwed with the wrong guy for the last time.
You thought I hated her, just because she was Moslem?”
It’s sad when two faggots have personal problems.

08:38:54 to 08:49:52

RPF says to Kemper, back at the CTU
“When Awana gets back, it will suck to be you.”
Kemper and Fuqya make out like hell.
Like they were the new Tony A and Michelle.

While Kemper and Fuqya kiss and make up
Cyndi and Blucher just want Jim to wake up.
The doc is concerned, if his condition’s not managed
The result could be irreversible Dain Bramage.

Jack takes an earpiece, to fix up Raymond all proper
But Raymond just wants to stay home and watch Wapner.
Whistler pulls up and mutters in Russian foreboding
“You can waste this little retard, when I’m done downloading.”

Jack’s shooter is blocked by Raymond’s fat head
But Rain Man gets down, and he snipes the red
When Whistler wakes up, he refuses to squeal
Minus the usual deluxe immunity deal.

08:53:54 to 08:59:59

Jim Jones wants Vickery to be unloading
Weasel Cage argues “Why not just stop any more nukes from ‘sploding.
Why go ahead, with this dangerous thumping.”
Jim Jones bellows, “‘Cos I gotta nuke something!”

Belushi arises, to Blucher’s relief
And resumes his duties as Commander-in-Chief.
“Oh, and you were so good at that,” Jim Jones, the veep, sneers.
He demands the AG, or as Ann calls him, “that queer.”

Tick Tock.

07:00:00 to 07:10:47

Outside the Russian consulate… body bags… lots and lots of body bags. It’s like they were hosting The Source Hip-Hop Awards. Back at CTU, they are pointing satellites at the desert looking for drones. The the nuclear-armed stealth kind, not the Borg kind. In the Desert, where night has suddenly fallen between last hour and this one, Whistler and Nagonaworkhere prepare to launch the only drone they’ve got ready to go. It will be remote controlled by some Russian dude with a Nintendo Wii.

♫“No need to ask, he’s a drone operator…
drone… operator…” ♫

Meanwhile, RPF who was upgrading security systems — which they apparently do every couple of hours and yet still not often enough at CTU — and noticed that Awana Fugya was using Kemper’s security code, she tells them that it’s a felony breach of security, but then Kemper gives her the Puss’n'Boots face. RPF says, “Oh, I can’t report you,” The same trick worked with Sandy Berger.

Chiggy and Al Bundy have detected the drone on satellite, and determined it’s headed for downtown L.A. Then Al Bundy loses the drone, because the Russians have hacked CTU and disrupted their tracking capability. Real nice freakin’ security upgrade, RPF.

07:15:12 to 07:24:13

RPF determines that if the drone had been headed to L.A., it would have gone off by now. So, they’re good. Jack and Ricky Stratton show up at CTU. Chiggy wants Jack to go to medical and tend to his wounds, but Jack decides to run over and see Patsy Ramsay Bauer instead. Jack tells Patsy he still has feelings for Audrey. Patsy tells him, “Oh, forget about the Welsh tart. She’s dead. But I’m alive… and I’m all woman.” Jack goes into CTU and yells at RPF. “Why didn’t anyone tell me Patsy was a woman?” Jack demands to see the file on Audrey’s death. RPF protests, “But I’ve almost found the nuclear drone.” Jack: “Forget about the drone. Bring me the file.”

Weasel Cage gives Frau Blucher a warm welcome upon her return to the batcave … about as warm as Pat Buchanan welcoming Elinor Clift to a United Jewish Appeal fundraiser. Jim Jones convenes his meeting with the JCS “OK, here’s the long and the short of it, if that nuclear bomb detonates in US territory, we’re gonna uncork some bottled sunshine over Durkadurkastan.”

A creepy wheelchair-bound scientist explains the plan. “Mr. President, deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy… the FEAR to attack. Mein fuhrer… I mean, Mr. President, ve can achieve your results by nuking a small area near zeir norzern border. Ze casualties zhould be limited to some 2000 goatherders und zeir families.”

During the break, there’s a commercial for Michael Jackson’s new show, “Are You Hotter than a Fifth Grader?”

07:28:36 to 07:34:55

RPF is once again closing in on the drone’s position, but Kemper pulls her off so she can see if Al Bundy’s been drinkin’. Priorities. RPF gives Bundy an open-mouthed kiss, “He’s clean.” Chiggy makes a note to put Chloe in charge of drug screening for new CTU recruits.

Back in the Batcave, Frau Blucher is opposed to the president’s plan and tries to win over Weasel Cage. “This is not what President Belushi would have wanted.” Weasel Cage reminds her of Belushi’s track record, turning loose the terrorist, getting Valencia nuked, and besides… “the vice president makes a mean cup of grape Kool-Aid.”

At CTU, after being called away to make coffee, run out to Taco Bell for snacks, and pick up Chiggy’s dry cleaning, RPF has finally figured out that a mole has enabled the ♫drone operator♫ to see where they are searching before they search it, and pilot the drone away from the satellite track. The leak is coming from Awana Fuqya’s computer. Awana gets hauled away by CTU Security goons, apparently wearing hand-me-downs from the Love Boat, and Kemper is stunned.

Meanwhile, Whistler and Nagonaworkhere decide the drone will detonate over San Francisco right about at the top of the hour. San Franciscans panic over the lack of time to organize an appeasement demonstration.

07:39:22 to 07:46:48

Frau Blucher checks on President Belushi and is informed he’s in a coma. Frau Blucher wants to wake him up. The doctor rolls his eyes, “Didn’t you hear me, I said he was in a coma?”

Kemper is all moony over Awana Fuqya, who is being interrogated by Ricky Stratton. Kemper is SO jealous, but Awana isn’t impressed. “Jack would have pulled out my fingernails by now.” Meanwhile, Al Bundy has located the place the signal is being fed back to. It’s conveniently close to CTU and has excellent parking. Kemper tells Ricky Stratton the location of the feed, and Ricky skips off like the happy little tow-headed boy he is.

Nearby, Jack is all moony over Audrey’s file. Then, he sees a tactical team deploying and asks where they’re going. A tactical dude gives him the thumb’s up. “Kegger at the drone pilot’s house.” Jack asks Chloe for a PDA and a phone. Chiggy tells him he’s still injured and not to go, but Jack’s all about avenging Audrey’s death and stuff.

07:50:54 to 07:59:59

Jack and Ricky Stratton… gotta call them, Bacardi and Bud Light …. move in on the hideout (which must have been, like, across the street from CTU) shooting Russkis as they go. They soon reach the control room, where the ♫drone operator♫ cowers behind the control panel. Bud Light shoots him, and Bacardi takes over the controls. Since the bomb is GPS controlled, it will only detonate once it reaches its target. Jack tries desperately to steer it away.

Leslie Nielsen pokes his head in to say, “I just want you to know, we’re all counting on you.”

Jacks steers the drone away at the last second and crash lands it in an industrial park. The nuke is on fire, but not going off. Ann Coulter delivers the news that the nuke didn’t go off to the president. She’s disappointed. “That would have killed millions of faggots.” Jim Jones is disappointed, but decides. “Aw, hell, let’s nuke ‘em anyway!”

Tick-Tock