Blogs.4Bauer

24 Season Finale – Monday night 8-10pm.

Jack Bauer is the walrus – goo goo gajoob

You know the drill. The live blog will start a few minutes before show time. While you’re waiting be sure to get your guess in for tonight’s kill counter. Oh, and tell your friends. Tell your tweeps. Use #b4b. See you in a bit.

We are down to the short rows now. We will kick things off about 15 minutes before the show starts.

RIP Agent Larry Moss. 

We really didn’t like your douchebaggery all that much, but then you turned.

Unfortunately, so did Tony and now you’re dead.

Revisions/extensions (10:09 pm 4/13/2009) - Figures I’d get the first episode to feature a full-on-negative Kill Counter. DAMMIT!

Yes, I know it’s Central time; those of you in the Eastern time zone will need to add an hour.

12:00:00 to 12:10:48
At The Starbucks Compound, The Man shows up tells the FBI “There ain’t no moonshine here.” He also orders the Revenuers off his property, makes them release his Toady, and demands that George Costanza give him his car back.

Jack has a plan to find the Moonshine using another Starbucks executive, Expendable Character Actor (ECA), but Zombie Zombie Tony will have to stay behind to make it work.

Zombie Tony: “Aw, f—”

Doosh beats the crap out of Toady. Zombie Tony slips away during the scuffle.
Jack: “Great diversion!”
Doosh: “What diversion?”

Zombie Tony locates Expendable Character Actor and they go off to look for the Moonshine, I mean, WMD’s. Meanwhile, Jack, back at the FBI, goes all River Phoenix on everybody. (Too soon?)

12:15:14 to 12:22:50
President Cankles refuses to take out the WMD unless Jack can identify them. At which point, she will call in a surgical airstrike to finish them off. Meanwhile, the first daughter, a.k.a. Stupid Spoiled Whore, goes out to meet that journalist who looks like a low-rent Bill Pullman to put him off the WMD story.

Expendable Character Actor leads Zombie Tony to WMD building. As they try to bypass the doorlock, a HUMVEE pulls up and shines a spotlight on them. They break out in show tunes, much to the amusement of the guards. Then Expendable Character Actor announces, “For my next impression, Jesse Owens.” And runs away yelling “Woohoo, Woohoo” Daffy Duck style. As the guards chase him, Zombie Tony enters the WMD chamber.

12:27:52 to 12:35:52
The Man keeps pestering his WMD technicians. “Is it soup yet?” he asks continuously. “No, get out of the kitchen. It’ll be ready when it’s ready.” The Man is chased out of the room and goes to talk with Expendable Character Actor. When Expendable Character Actor tentatively suggests that The Man is insane, The Man brutally murders him with a booze glass and tosses his carcass into the foyer. (Man, I’d hate to work janitorial services at that place.)

Meanwhile, Stupid Spoiled Whore meets the Sleazy Journalist at a hotel, which is also sleazy. He asks her if the story about the WMD’s is true.

SSW: “Yes, it is true. But I call upon your sense of patriotism, honor, and journalistic integrity not to run the story.”
SJwllalrBP: “I’ll spike the story if you let me bang you.”
SSW: “Also good.”

Meanwhile, a doctor tells Jack that some sort of stem cell transfusion from a blood relation can save him. “What about your daughter, Cougar Bait?” “No,” Jack answers. “What about your (snicker) nephew?” They are interrupted when Jack sees a security detail bearing down on Zombie Tony. Jack warns him, and Tony is able to break open their skulls and feast on the soft pink insides.

12:40:22 to 12:47:16
Wearing fly new threads, Zombie Tony is able to get into the kitchen and transmit the image of the WMD’s for Jack to identify. Jack tells Zombie Tony to haul ass outta there because a pair of F-18s are en route.

At the hotel, SJwllalrBP tells SSW he’s going to run the story anyway, thus getting to screw her twice. SSW shows him that she recorded their sex on her cell phone, Paris Hilton style and threatens to tell his wife. She leaves and heads back to the White House.

As the White House prepares the air strike, President Cankles gets a call from The Man. He tells her he has three missiles ready to launch, and he’ll discuss things further in the Oval Office. President Cankles runs back into the Situation Room yelling “Abort, Abort.” At first, they think she’s giving unplanned pregnancy advice to her daughter, but it turns out she is ordering them to knuckle under on the air strike, which they do.

Tick-Tock

11:00:00 to 11:13:25

OK, so like, one minute after Jack calls the CDC, Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo are already on-site wearing Level 8 bio-contamination gear… the same level Michael Moore’s maid uses when she scrubs the toilet after MM makes a run to the border. Rene Russo orders Jack to strip. Dustin Hoffman takes out a geetar and plays wakka-chikka music. Then, they scrub him down like Linda Blair in Chained Heat.

Back at the FBI, Doosh is consulting with Hedorah, the Smog Monster… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… about tracking the bio-weapons the Starbucks Corporation has smuggled into the USA and plan to distribute through their 500,000 outlets. The Starbucks Corporation… like all members of the Fortune 500… has its headquarters on a heaily fortified military base. The weapons could be anywhere on it.

Meanwhile, back at Starbucks Headquarters, Zombie Tony is getting worked over ‘Passion of the Christ’ style. The Man thinks Tony needs to be worked over psychologically because he’s too strong to break. His Number Two man, Number Two, thinks The Man should cut his losses and destroy the evidence… but The Man… like all white corporate CEO’s… is far too insane for that. He wants the weapons prepped and ready in two hours.

11:17:55 to 11:26:22

President Cankles meets with the Joint Chiefs to devise a strategy for getting the weapons back or destroying them. The Attorney General poo-poos all their suggestions, and suggest they serve The Man and The Starbucks Corporation with the harshest possible subpeona! Meanwhile, Stupid Spoiled Whore is rubbing her abandonment issues and Electra complex all over Special Agent Red Foreman.

Just as Zombie Tony is about to die, Number Two kills the man who was going to kill him. And announces he’s switched sides, because he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life being cornholed like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. He’ll tell the FBI where the weapons are in exchange for immunity, if Tony can help him get to a secure phone.

11:30:38 to 11:35:44

Doosh informs Zombie Streetwalker that Jack has been infected with the bio-weapon… which is a fast-acting form of Mad Cow disease. They intend to isolate him in a stall and give him lets of water and hay.

Zombie Tony asks Number Two what the deal is with The Man wanting to commit mass murder and whatall. “It’s complicated,” Number Two says. “Like the complex emotional relationship between Jake and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain.”

11:40:54 to 11:46:35

To educate herself on the topic, President Cankles is watching a Bioweapons Special on the History Channel, which explains how bio-weapons may help ease Global Warming. She is informed that Number Two will give them the weapons location in return for immunity. She agrees, of course, because nothing could possibly go wrong. They plan to raid the base. Jack wants to help. Doosh tells him to stay in his stall because he’s too sick.

Jack: “But what if you need to torture somebody?”
Doosh: “Um… we’ll bring along some of Bill Maher’s taped monologues.”
Jack: Moo

11:51:03 to 11:59:59

The Man is in his weapons lab giving gried to Haji (from Johnny Quest) as he hears the sound of military helicopters approaching. He looks unperturbed. He he has reason to be unperturbed. The joint FBI-military task force ends up raiding an empty warehouse. It was a set-up all along, because it turns out, Number Two doesn’t mind spending the rest of his life being cornholed like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption.

Meanwhile, Starbucks’s corporate army rolls up in humvees. Jack is screaming at the monitors for Doosh to pull his men out, but Doosh is just standing there with his usual “Deer in the headlights of an oncoming semi” expression as some Matthew McConaughey in “Reign of Fire” type corporate military dude points a shot-gun at ‘em and says, “Gitcher revenooers off muh property.”

Tick-Tock

Join us here tonight. We will kick things off about 15 minutes before show time.

We will go live about 15 minutes before air time. See you then.

9:00:00 to 9:11:28

Jack is on the run, pursued by the Jailer Man and Sailor Sam. They’re searching everyone. But Jack manages to hotwire a car with a laptop in it and drives evasively while flipping through security cam photos and txting his buddies. He finds the photo of his assailant and emails it to Zombie Streetwalker, asking her to identify it.

Zombie Streetwalker: “It’s Ron Jeremy.”
Jack: “Oops, wrong photo.”

She finds a picture of the assailant in a Back Issue of Guns-n-Jugs magazine offering his services as a mercenary and pool boy. He is currently employed by the Very Big Corporation of America, which is under investigation by Senator Red Foreman. Jack decides to drop by and visit the senator, he’s pretty sure there’s a pair of jumper cables in the trunk of the car.

Meanwhile, Agent Doosh is walking through the FBI offices having anyone who contributed to the sucessful thwarting of the days terror attacks arrested for violating FBI protocols. One person he doesn’t arrest is Grimmis… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo … whom he instructs to track down where Jack is going next, because even though Jack has risked himself to save thousands of lives, including the president’s, Doosh is convinced that Jack is worse than Hannibal Lecter.

Meanwhile, The Man, the CEO of the Very Big Corporation of America, who is secretly behind the terror attacks, explains to an underling that he finds the mass casualties he is about to inflict on innocent Americans highly regrettable, but explains that they are necessary because, “I’m just really, really bored.”

9:15:05 to 9:24:56

Stupid Spoiled Whore helps her mother, President Cankles, write a speech about the days events. “Don’t forget to gloat,” she advises. “Look your adversaries straight in the eyes and say, ‘I won.’” Alfred the Butler comes in and tells them that Evil Doogie Howser is dead and Jack is the prime suspect. Stupid Spoiled Whore once again vows to destroy him.

Meanwhile, Jack shows up at Senator Red Foreman’s house.
Senator Red Foreman: “Are you here to torture me?”
Jack: “I want to look at your files on the Very Big Corporation of America.”
SRF: “No, you’re here to torture me.” (Removes his shirt.) “You’re here to put jumper cables on my nipples and pour hot candlewax on butt-hole. Well, do your worst. I can take it.”
Jack: “I really just want to see the files.”
SRF: “Oh, yeah, I bet.” (Begins shackling himself.) “Well, you’ll have to whip me… hard… like a lazy horse! You’ll have to smear me with baby oil and bengay and pour iodine into my open wounds.”
Jack: “No, I just need to see your files.”
SRF: (Slaps his own ass) “Oh, hell yeah!”

9:29:22 to 9:36:33

While President Cankles gives her speech, Alfred the Butler is pulled aside by CNB reporter Jimmy Olson, who says, “Hey, I heard you were taking a leak on Jack Bauer. No, wait, that’s not right. I heard a leak that you were looking to arrest Jack Bauer for the murder of Evil Doogie Howser.” Alfred blames Stupid Spoiled Whore for the leak.

Meanwhile, Grimmis reports that she can’t decrypt the file. It’s far beyond the capabilities of the FBI. Mr. Potato Face cracks it in about nine seconds (after Doosh promises to release Potato Face if he cooperates.) They figure out Jack is at Senator Red Foreman’s house and assemble a massive SWAT team.

Meanwhile, back at Senator Red Foreman’s house, Jack has figured out the Very Big Corporation of America is going to import bio-weapons it developed in East Genocidia with the help of the evil dictator Mugatu. Just as Senator Red Foreman climbs down off the rack and agrees to help him, there’s a knock at the door.

SRF: “Who is it?”
Voice Outside: “Land Shark!”

Senator Red Foreman grumbles, “Effin’ Al Franken never gets tired of that joke.” He opens the door and is promptly blown away by the Mighty Quinn. Jack escapes by busting through a French door at the back.

9:53:02 to 9:59:59

The Mighty Quinn pursues Jack to a construction yard. He shoots up the inside of a trailer office, then Jack tries to kill him with a bulldozer. Star Trek music begins playing as they engage in hand-to-hand combat. Quinn taunts Jack by constantly calling him “Jimmy Boy.” Finally, Jack stabs him with a screwdriver and takes his cell phone. The WMD’s are arriving that very hour in Alexandria. Jack calls Zombie Tony and steals a car.

Meanwhile, Doosh arrives at Senator Red Foreman’s residence, sees the carnage, and issues a shoot-to-kill order on Jack.

Tick-Tock