John McCain’s Tortured Logic

The other night, I tuned into the GOP/CNN/You Tube/DNC Plant debate (it was a really, really, really slow TV night). In between Huckabee’s praisin’ the Lord, Romney’s hair and Ron Paul…well being Ron Paul, there was John McCain talking torture and 24.

It turns out that former 24 star John McCain has been dropping Jack Bauer’s name on the campaign trail as well.

“We all love Jack Bauer,” McCain said. “‘Where’s the nuclear weapon?’ ‘I’m not telling.’ Blam, blows the kneecap off and ‘I’ll tell ya.’”

That’s not real life, said McCain, a former Vietnam POW at odds with some rivals and members of the Bush administration over what interrogation techniques should be ruled out as torture. “It’s not Jack Bauer. It’s not ’24.’” (source)

However McCain got it wrong. Bauer blew off the kneecap of RoboCop’s wife in Season 5 when he refused to answer some questions. John McCain…he may know a little about getting bamboo shoots shoved up his fingernails, but he has a lot to learn about Jack Bauer.

mccain.jpg

Someone pass me a towel.

The Who’s Who of 24 Villains – The Bauers

Blogs4Bauer has ranked the hottest women of 24, now we’re looking at the people (and/or animals) we love to see Jack Bauer hate on. We rank em, Jack breaks ‘em and now we continue our listing of the Top 10 – 24 Villains of all time.

24_ep607-sc717_2000_f.jpgName: Phillip Bauer
Season: Six
Occupation: Former CEO, BXJ Technologies
First seen:
Day 6 11:00am-12:00pm
Last Seen:
Day 6 5:00am-6:00am
Status:
Deceased?

graembauer2.jpgName: Graem “Bluetooth” Bauer
Seasons: Five, Six
Occupation: CEO, BXJ Technologies
First seen:
Day 5 1:00am-2:00am
Last Seen:
Day 6 12:00pm-1:00pm
Status:
Deceased

Tell me your jaw didn’t drop when you realized Bluetooth was none other than Graem Bauer, Jack’s brother. OK, you’re lying. Your jaw did too drop.

First off, how could someone so soft and bald be of the same genetic material as Jack? Second, Bluetooth was a big bad, behind President Logan’s betrayal of the American people. How could Jack, whose first priority always is doing what’s best for his country, whether it’s even remotely what’s best for him or his loved ones.

Of course, a family like Jack’s could be exactly why he does what he does.

It is believed that Graem was involved in Walt Cummings having put a hit out on Jack, and that wouldn’t be too shocking. Day 5, the events of which he was at least in part behind, involved sending Sentox VX nerve gas to Russian separtists, who planned to smuggle it to Russia. But it was to be booby trapped, blowing up on the separatists, but showing there were WMDs in central Asia, making a better case for American intervention in the region.

And Graem ordered Logan to shoot down Flight 520 after he learned Jack was on board. He also ordered Logan to “take care of” his wife, Martha, and Agent Aaron Pierce. He also strongly suggested to Logan that he commit suicide when it appeared the plot would be revealed. In the end, he let the Chinese know Jack was still alive so they could kidnap and torture him.

Graem never was revealed to be behind the Day 5 shenanigans, clearing the way for Dmitri Gredenko to supply suitcase nukes to BXJ Technologies (the Bauer family company) and setting up Day 6.

Jack discovers in Day 6 that the suitcase nuke that went off in Valencia may have been at least tangentially connected to his father. He heads to Graem’s house to investigate. Graem, meanwhile, finds out Jack’s back in LA and opines that they should’ve just killed Jack when they had the chance.

24_605-sc555_068_f.jpgThis is when Jack tries to strangle him with an electrical cord. Graem’s also not as torture-proof as Jack and lets it spill that BXJ had hired the guy (Darren McCarthy) who ended up stealing the nukes from BXJ and sold them to the terrorists. Daddy Bauer is over at McCarthy’s office to erase any connection between them.

Graem and Phillip set up a fake Graem takeover of BXJ, with Graem ordering the guards to take Jack and Phillip into custody; CTU storms Graem’s house and arrests him while Jack and Phillip escape their guards and kill them. Rick Burke sets up an “interrogation” of Graem. Weasel boy ends up confessing to being involved in the murders of David Palmer, Michelle Dessler and Tony Almeida (not!).

Just before they’re about to take Graem to CTU, Phillip gets a moment alone with him. He congratulates Graem for keeping quiet about his involvement, then kills him. Thanks, Dad!

Over at CTU, Phillip does all sorts of nefarious things, such as ordering Gredenko killed. When he realizes his daughter-in-law Marilyn is going to try to help Jack find Gredenko, he asks to take Josh home with him, then calls Marilyn and tells her he killed Graem and will kill Josh, too, if she doesn’t lie to Jack.

The house Jack’s led to is booby-trapped and his entire TAC team is killed except him; Milo manages to spirit Marilyn away.

Phillip threatens Josh when Josh figures out grampa’s not such a nice guy.

No one’s life is worth the destruction of everything I’ve built.

24_610-sc1037_019_f.jpgJack offers his life in exchange for Josh’s and Papa Bauer takes the deal. Papa prepares to kill Jack, then they have a heart to heart, kind of, and Phillip leaves while Jack apologizes for being a disappointment to him. He leaves behind a PDA with a phone number on it. Jack calls it. Charles Logan answers and says he can lead Jack to Gredenko.

Phillip finds a way to get Chinese mercernaries into CTU so they can re-kidnap Josh (gramps really does love him) in exchange for a repaired FB sub-circuit board from one of the nukes.

Jack, Nadia and Morris (Morris?!) manage to overpower the Chinese, though they’d already spirited Josh outta there.

Phillip tells Josh he wants to take him away from “this ungrateful country” and go to China. (Yeah, because that nation is so grateful to its citizens.)

A couple hours and one blown up oil platform later, Doyle’s been blinded, Josh has been rescued and Bill Buchanan has a Bill Sack to complement Jack’s Jack Sack.

Is Josh Jack’s son? Is Josh Phillip’s son? Is Josh Graem’s son? Who the hell knows? By the end of Season 6 we didn’t even care anymore, though the producers have admitted that they had planned to reveal Phillip as his dad, but then thought that a bit too icky. (They were right, but wrong at the same time.)

Producers claim that Phillip died in the oil rig explosion, but there was a boat nearby and if Tony can come back from being pretty much certainly dead (we saw Jack crying while holding Tony’s dead body!!), then Phillip can certainly be alive considering we didn’t even see him die.

rank.jpgPhillip’s Final Rankings (out of 10)
Meanness: 10
Coolness: 7
Reign of Terror: 8
Sexiness: 1
Total Points: 26

Graem’s Final Rankings (out of 10)
Meanness: 10
Coolness: 3
Reign of Terror: 6
Sexiness: 1
Total Points: 20

Point/Counterpoint

050.jpgPoint: Can I come back, please?
by: Agent Lynn McGill

I read on Blogs4Bauer that Tony Almeida is coming back for Season 7 and I think that’s really great. Tony was a real swell guy and never got a silent clock. Come to mention it, I never got a silent clock…can I come back for Season 7 as well. Please?

Seriously, I would really like to come back next season and I havebanner2.jpg some great ideas that would really help the writers of the show. Are you listening Manny Coto, you no-talent hack? Jack in Africa? What in the hell were you thinking?

The first thing I’d do is give me a better name, Lynn is a girl’s name and I was always getting teased by the CTU security staff. How does Lance Powers sound? Powers and Bauer, we could be nicknamed Bacardi and Baileys. Watch out bad guys – here comes Powers and Bauer! Sorry Jack, I meant Bauer and Powers.

I would also need an eye patch, a mustache, and a motorcycle. No make that two eye patches. Have I mentioned the midgets? We’d need at least three that would be there to serve us drinks and fetch babes. Then we need a cool black dude who’s only role is to wear aviator sun glasses and say cool things like “damn bro’ that’s gonna leave a mark” and “he did not see that coming“.

Well that’s all that I’ve come up with so far. There’s this one storyline involving an underground dolphin fighting ring, but I’ve yet to hear back from Brett Farve on his availability.

Powers out.

That’s just wrong.

Last we saw Michelle Dessler, she was dead, killed at the behest of Graem Bauer, at the start of Season 5.

TV Guide is now reporting that Reiko Aylesworth, who portrayed the lovely Michelle, has been cast as the new chaplain at County General on ER. She “starts a very intimate, ahem, prayer group with John Stamos’ Gates.”

Losing Michelle is bad; no chance of her coming back from the dead now. But as long as Carlos Bernard remains available, Tony Almeida could still make his triumphant return.

You know it’s true.