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Imagine all the nightime stories Grandpa Baer can read to Kim Bauer Jr.?  

“Tell me the story about the time you landed an airplane on the LA Freeway grampa Bauer”

“Gramdpa Bauer says forcing a bad guy to swallow a towel is more effective than hooking up car batteries to bad guys junk in most cases”

Then the questions will come up about where Grandma is and who’s the red-haired bimbo hanging out with grandpa.  Then baby Bauer will be told that great-grandpa was a bad guy and is most likely in hell with Uncle Graem.  

God help her if she ever googles “Jack Bauer”.  

Babies aren't supposed to have stuffed cougars in their crib

1. Moooooo
2. Kim, the butt chin is from your mother’s side of the family, along with the lack of basic survival skills.
3. Kim, just tell me where I can find this RFTR character and I will deal with him my own…painful way. 
4. So basically the previews make it appear that you’re back but actually you just need to cry a bit and leave.  You should be done by lunch.
5. Kim, I don’t know how to tell you this…but I’m not really dying.  The Chinese forced me to watch Captivity and if I could survive that, I can pretty much survive anything.

Got other possible captions? Post them in the comments.

I came in 15 minutes late for last week’s episode and I missed the whole Mad Cow – Jack Bauer scene.  Dammit.  However I did get to see Jonas Hodges use a scotch decanter to whoop some ass.  Hodges has to be near the top of my favorite villians on 24.   Marwan was pretty badass – but Behrooz was his son and that caused him to lose evil points.  Victor Drazen had a cool name, Nina hot and evil.  But Hodges…that guy is just pure evil.  

This week Kim Bauer could return.   Enough said.   This is not another April Fool’s Joke.

Here are the points and winner from last week:

Mentioning Kim Bauer – 2 points

Total points  = 2 points

Hour 1-4 Winner: Jim says: I’m going low. 5 points.
Hour 5 Winner: Jack Bauer says: I am going with 3 points tonight.
Hour 6 Winner: steveegg says: Dean stole my 1, so I’m going 2.
Hour 7 Winner: RFTR says: Was going to say 6. Guess I’ll go with 5.
Hour 8 Winner: Trish Huttut says: 7…and thats my final answer
Hour 9 Winner: Dean says: I’ll go with 2.
Hour 10 Winner: wisekrakr says: 3 seems good for a slightly disappointing transition follow.
Hours 11-12 Winner: Just A Bill says: 5
Hour 13 Winner: Wyatt Earp says: 10 points. I hope.
Hour 14 Winner: wisekrakr says: I like 3, please. Jack’s going to do more running than killing tonight.
Hour 15 Winner: Jack Bauer says: I’m going big – 10 points tonight
Hour 16 Winner: ChasesRightHand says:Slow week I’m going with 2

Hour 17 Winner: wisekrakr says: 2 - As in 2 dammits, I’m torn between getting out of here and shooting some bad guys or mouth-to-mouthing with Redhot here. The moral dilemmas never stop at 24. (editor’s note: this is wisekrakr’s 3rd win)

1 kill = 1 point
2 kills = 2 points + 2 combo = 4 points
3 kills = 3 points + 3 combo = 6 points

Bonus Points
“Dammit” = 1 point
“We don’t have enough time” = 1 point
“Cover me” = 1 point
“Drop the weapon” = 1 point
Use of a Jack Sack = 5 points
Shooting down a helicopter = 10 points
Mentioning Kim Bauer = 2 points
Apologizing for anything = -5 points
Crying = -5 points
Surrendering to bad guys = -10 points

Just when you think 24 could not possible sink further into the depths of redunkulousness, Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Kim Bauer will return, joining Zombie Tony and Jack “Into Africa” Bauer.

“Sources confirm to me exclusively that Cuthbert has inked a deal to reprise her role as Jack’s lightning rod of an offspring for a season-ending arc that will no doubt trigger a new round of wholly outdated and painfully unfunny cougar jokes,” said EW’s Michael Ausiello in his Ask Auseillo column.

It also goes on to say that she will be appearing without her old boyfriend, originally played by C. Thomas Howell, but with a child of her own.

Do the writer’s of 24 really think that Jack would let Kim Bauer have children?  Does he not put up with enough crap in his day job?

Kim Bauer’s Kid Jokes

How do you get Kim Bauer’s kid out of a tree?
-Wave at him/her

Jack Bauer went over to visit his grandchild and saw it staring at the carton of orange juice. So he asks why they are staring at the carton of OJ. “Because it says ‘concentrate’ on it” says Little Bauer.

How do you know Kim’s child is related to Jack Bauer?
-It burned down the school to get out of 3rd grade.

How did Jack Bauer know that Kim’s kid was at his desk?
-There was whiteout on the computer screen.

Kim Bauer and her child were in Orlando and saw a sign that said “Disney Left”.  So they went home.

When Kim’s baby was born, she looked down at the umbilical cord and said, “Wow, it comes with cable too!”

Did you hear about the time that Kim bought little Bauer a package of M&M’s?
-She returned them because they were all W’s

Why don’t Kim and her child don’t watch 60 Minutes?
-Because they don’t have 2 hours to spare.

Even though they meant, I believe, the “handsome” definition of “dashing,” I challenge you to find me any other  father (or anyone, for that matter) who could make it across Los Angeles as fast as our man Jack.

So here I give you the Top 5 reasons why Kiefer Sutherland Jack Bauer is the Most Dashing Daddy:

5. He’s dashed a few bad guy’s heads into brick walls.

4. He brought Kim to work for Take Your Daughters to Work Day and let her stay and even get a job there.

3. He did rescue Kim from Victor Drayzen in Season 1.

2. No one else can make it across L.A. in 20 minutes flat, whether it’s noon, 3 a.m. or 8 p.m.

1. If they hadn’t, he’d have shot them in the knee. All of them.

No, it’s not about pantyhose, but I could understand if that’s what you thought. It’s an adaptation of (yet another!) British television series, about a woman from New York (the “Ny” in the name) and a man from London (“Lon”) who “embark on a cross-continental romance,” according to The Hollywood Reporter.

Edie (Cuthbert) is a literacy teacher/record store clerk (really) and someone else will play Michael, a London stockbroker. Michael hasn’t been cast yet.

But Caterina Scorsone has been cast as Edie’s roommate, “a slutty, bohemian rocker.” And Johnny Whitworth will play “Edie’s rocker ex-boyfriend.”

Photo courtesy of Fox.

Cross-posted on Remote Access.

ATTENTION-starved Paris Hilton has evidently run out of men to smooch with and is moving on to women. Revelers at Tenjune in the Meatpacking District Tuesday night spotted a partying Paris “making out” with “24″ star Elisha Cuthbert. “They were drinking and dancing, and all of suddenly they just started kissing,” said the onlooker who told us the liplock lasted “about a minute.” Cuthbert’s rep, who was not at the club, denies the story, although several witnesses confirmed they saw the face-suck. – Page Six – NY Post

Ok…so Kim Bauer probably has a mad case of the face-crabs now. But, this sad story does give us a legitimate opportunity to post a picture of the pre-infected Kim Bauer and what has happened to her since. Enjoy.

Stop staring, someone get her some bleach.

Yes, a “Jack Bauer” is:

A doctor still up and working after 24 hours on the job—now something of a rarity but will be recognised by older clinicians. Usually a bit tetchy [Amy note: this means peevish, testy or irritable]:
Colleague: Going for lunch, Jack?
JB: (shouts) “THERE ISN’T TIME!”

So, in the spirit of the holidays, let’s gift British doctors with other 24-inspired medical terminology. I’ll start us off:

• Chase Edmunds: An emergency amputation.

• Kim Bauer: The hot but stupid medical intern who obviously got her job only because of who her father is.

• Audrey Raines: A lobotomy.

• SecDef Heller: Any administrator who’s really top-notch and deserving of respect by all staff, medical or otherwise.

• Chloe: The obnoxious computer jockey who will backdate medical reports in the system for you. Or remotely disconnect life-support equipment for patients who can’t pay their bills.

More?