Blogs.4Bauer

Apparently, getting stabbed in the abdomen can’t stop Jack Bauer from killing the bad guys, but a little ol’ burst cyst can bring Kiefer Sutherland grinding to a halt.

The Hollywood Reporter says filming has stopped so Sutherland can undergo surgery. They claim the season won’t be disrupted, however.

I have to believe it’s relatively serious, as Kiefer’s always been pretty conscientious about not mucking with the filming schedule. Remember how he spent Christmas in jail just so his sentence wouldn’t interfere with the show’s schedule (not that it ended up mattering because the entire season was postponed due to the writer’s strike).

OK, would someone do a great photoshop job for this post, now? The Man? Adam? Bueller?

Haven’t people learned by now that it’s not smart to fool with Jack? Granted, Keifer, not so much.

Prosecutors say Michael Wayne Carr of Linden had agreements to buy steers in Mexico for his customers and sell them for profit in the United States. Carr allegedly took $869,000 from Sutherland, star of the Fox TV show “24,” and $177,000 from a New Mexico couple.

This may just be a publicity stunt to give us a glimpse at the rest of Season 8. It turns out that the Russians are really working for Mexican cattle rustlers.

The upside is that after the interrogation — steak for everyone!

Counterpoint: Moooooooooooo!
By Jack Bauer

I was speaking with Audrey in Lower Manhattan about the latest perimeter breach — we were standing on a street corner because I had intel that the building was bugged when a mole came up to eavesdrop.

I’m pretty sure the mole was working with Nina, or maybe even trying to exact revenge for the Drazens, when he dared to say “Hello” to Audrey.

The conversation went down pretty much like this:

Mole: Hello … Audrey.

Audrey: [Gasp!] Eek, Jack! Help me!

Me: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?

Mole: Me? I just … design women’s clothing. Yeah, women’s clothing.

Audrey: Really? Can I get some samples?

Me: Don’t use such a lame cover story! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW! Who’s trying to kill President Palmer??? WHY IS KIM SO STUPID? Teri and I are both smart!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Because there was no wall right there, it was impossible for me to hold him by the neck against a wall, so I headbutted him.

Afterward, Chloe tried to remind me that President Palmer’s already dead, but I explained I was just trying to trick the mole into revealing more information.

I know that Charles Logan is the president now. Sheesh. Everyone keeps thinking I have mad cow or someth – mooooooooooooooooooooo.

Point: You broke my mother f-ing nose, bro.
by Jack McCollough

You probably don’t know me, but my name is Jack McCollough – the famous women’s wear designer.  Laugh all you want, however you’ll never wear my clothes because they are not sold at Lane Bryant or Dress Barn.  Why are you still laughing? 

Well screw you and screw Jack Bauer. Yes, screw you Jack Bauer.  Thanks for breaking my beautiful nose!  While I’m at it, thanks for ruining a nice pair of $1,500 Berluti shoes.  Those aren’t New Balance sneakers Mr. Bauer.

Look, I was just having a good time, talking to Ashley Olsen and Brooke Shields, when out of nowhere – Jack Bauer spins me around and the rest is tabloid history.  So here is how the conversation went down:

Me: Hello Brooke Shields
Brooke Shields: OMG it’s Jack McCollough – world famous women’s wear designer!  
Me: Oh stop it, I’m not famous in Burkina Faso…(wait for it)…yet
(large amounts of laughter)
Jack Bauer then stumbles over and mumbles something about protocols.
Me: Well hello Mr. Bauer
Jack Bauer: Tell me what you know DAMMIT!
Me: The question should be what do I “not” know?
Jack Bauer: You breeched the perimeter, DIDN’T YOU!
Me: What perimeter?  What the hell are you talking about?
Jack Bauer: WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
Me: Running out of time? For what? Is there a Michael Kors sample sale going on?

That’s when Jack Bauer headbutted me and then said I looked like Tobey McGuire.  Really Jack?  Really?  Tobey doesn’t have a broken nose and blood dripping on his leather slippers.  Tell me, how do you get blood of really expensive leather shoes?

Please tell me Jack Bauer, the shoes are not mine.  The owner wants them back and I’m running out of time!

And by “heckles” we naturally mean he ripped the skin from the man’s bones.

Los Angeles – If Jack Bauer cursing you out while you’re trying to play your geetar doesn’t throw you off your game, you must be one bad mutha. That, apparently, was the point when Kiefer Sutherland interrupted fast-fingered acoustic ax man Michael Daves during a gig at the Rockwood Music Hall in Lower Manhattan this week, according to the New York Post.

Immediately thereafter, Jack took an ax to ax man Michael Davies. In fairness, he did send the man’s family a floral arrangement with the mutilated corpse.

Daves took the heckling in stride, saying, “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Which only made Jack Bauer escalate because, you know, that’s what he does: “You mother[bleep]er—you’re the man!”

Recognizing Sutherland, Daves returned fire, saying, “No, you’re the man.”

Jack then bellowed, “We don’t have time for this name-calling, dammit!”

They finally made peace, reportedly screaming together in unison to the crowd, “We are the men!” (H/T – E! Online)

And that was when Jack castrated Davies with a swizzle stick.

Well, not Jack Bauer exactly, but Kiefer Sutherland is the Grand Marshall for today’s Sunoco Red Cross Pennsylvania 500. He was just on ESPN’s race countdown show, and will be making the call to start the race.

DLP®HDTV is teaming up with 20th Century Fox to support the upcoming action thriller, “Mirrors,” in a promotional partnership for the Sunoco Red Cross Pennsylvania 500 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series race Aug. 3 at Pocono Raceway in Long Pond, Pa.

So how would Jack Bauer make “the most famous words in motor sports”?

“Gentlemen, I need to get to Los Angeles in 10 minutes. Start your damn engines.”

Your (better) suggestions can be made in the comments.

I’ll post a video when I find one.

Scotsman Robert Carlyle has been tapped to co-star in the two-hour 24 film set to air in November, so sez British paper, The Sunday Mail.

Carlyle will play Benton, Jack Bauer’s friend and mentor (a better one than Robocop, it would appear) and a former agent who “quit and became a charity worker in Africa,” a story in The Mail said:

An insider said: “Benton is not expected to appear in the seventh season but nothing is set in stone.”
***

A friend of Carlyle said: “Robert has done this kind of role before, so he will be fantastic as Benton. American audiences love Robert’s gritty approach to that sort of character, as do producers.

“It would be great if 24 could find a continuing place for Benton in the seventh series.”

You might know Carlyle from his roles in Trainspotting, The Full Monty or 28 Weeks Later.

P.S.: In Digital Spy, Kiefer promises the best season yet of 24.

After so many postponements, I can assure you that none of us at 24 took for granted the significance of this upcoming season. But the time allowed us to do something that has never been done before – create a map of the entire season before we started shooting. So I can tell you without hesitation, I know for a fact, that Season 7 is going to be the best season yet.

Thank god. I mean, the Season 6 crapapalooza seemed as if no one ever knew what the plot was supposed to be and just kept tossing crap in there.

I mean, who, really, was Josh’s father? What did happen in Denver? (Not that The Jack Sack was any more helpful in answering that, ahem.) The entire season felt as if the writers weren’t sure where to go next and at the last second said, “Whoa! It’d be cool if Morris could get some booze at a liquor store just a few miles from the nuclear blast zone so he could have conflict with Chloe, no?”

If they have a chance to map the whole thing and and bring us a season with continuity and believable situations (relatively speaking, that is) hoo-frakkin’-ray.

Could his months in a Chinese prison have helped?

Kiefer Sutherland, who plays the hard-as-nails agent of TV’s “24,” was a softy during his 48 days in jail on a drunken-driving charge.

Sutherland, scheduled to be released Monday, has spent his sentence cleaning sheets, pillowcases and blankets on laundry duty, police Officer John Balian said Friday.

“He was very humble, never complained,” Balian said. “He didn’t give us any problems at all.”

I just wonder if laundry duty included any towels.

So it’s come to this. MADD Canada (Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s Canada branch, the CEO of which is a man. Huh?) wants Ford Motor Co. Canada to fire our boy Kiefer as its spokesvoice in its ad campaign.

I say, so long as you’re not drunk while you’re actually doing the voice-over for the ad, what the hey.

Look, I know folks who’ve died in drunk-driving accidents and I do not mean to make light of the issue at all.

But Kiefer’s actually been pretty stand-up about this. He didn’t beg off, trying to plead not guilty or whine that he shouldn’t serve time. He accepted his sentence and is serving his time. The only concession he originally sought was to have his sentence split so it didn’t inconvenience the rest of the cast and crew of 24. He had until March 30 to start serving, but he willingly went into jail during Christmas to get it over with.

I could think of a lot worse people to be the spokesvoice for my car company, is all I’m saying.

Ford Canada, meanwhile, said it had no plans to change its ads.

Meanwhile, a fan has started an online petition.

And this blog, from the Herald-Dispatch in Huntington, W.Va., reports on rumors in the blogosphere that Kiefer actually had a car coming to pick him up and was just moving his car (as he had been told to). Blogger Angela Henderson points out that it seems rather odd that Kiefer would accept 48 days in jail for something he didn’t really do.

This is the question: WWJBD? (Actually, it’s not, I just wanted to say that and it just seemed to fit here. Sue me.)

Jack Bauer is in jail…for 48 seasons, I mean days? Calm down people, there’s no reason to panic. Fox has simply decided to draw more fans to 24 by having Jack Bauer crossover to Prison Break. They tried a Jack Bauer crossover to K-ville but their fan rejected the idea.

It’s like when Steve Erkle visited Full House. Except it’s Jack Bauer visiting The Big House and someone’s going to die.

Fear can hold you prisoner. Jack Bauer can set you free.

Details are still sketchy, but I think Jack makes T-Bag his bitch.

Despite numerous threats of torture, including the violent use of a towel, the writers of 24 continue to strike. This has caused Fox to do the unthinkable, cancel the season premiere of 24.

“24″ is absent from the network’s revised, strike-affected schedule for midseason. In its announcement, Fox explained the “Day 7″ season for the series would be indefinitely postponed to ensure an uninterrupted run. (Source)

DDAMMMITTTT!!! DDAMMMITTTT!!! DDAMMMITTTT!!!

A stupid little contract dispute long overdue labor dispute has killed Jack Bauer. Something that nuclear blasts, CAIR, Russian separatists, drug cartels, overdoses, a shooter on the roof, Nina Myers, Kim Bauer, bombs, viruses, nuclear meltdown, President Logan, bullets, poison gas, an airplane with no pilot, guns, torture, black helicopters, other Bauers, Marwan, moles, CTU, the government, one human rights lawyer, Audrey, Behrooz, Middle Eastern terrorists, lesbians, and even death (twice) could not do.

In solidarity with the writers, all future Blogs4Bauer posts will be posted in Wingdings font.

Ok so wingdings will not work, so to show solidarity with the writers, we will post only in binary code.

1 11100 0100 10010 00100 01000 001011 0 111111

Kiefer’s done a series of commercials in Japan for something called “Calorie Mate.”

It’s some sort of snack food (why not just call it “Fat Food” or “Stuff Your Face”?).

Just had to share. Check them out. Full disclosure: I’m not certain I have them in the correct order, but I don’t think it matters too much.

Here’s one:

And here’s links to the others:

Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6

Imagine, if you will, a world where Jack Bauer was not Kiefer Sutherland but rather, say, Ricky Schroeder.

That’d never happen, you scoff. Don’t deny it, I hear you scoffing!

Aha, but that’s the thing. It could have happened (Source.)

Joel Surnow said he “was keen to cast a more youthful actor as lead in the action series.”

But then he met Kiefer, who was a whopping 34 at the time (the Rickster was only 31), and it was all over.

We’d conceived Jack as a guy who had a 16-year-old daughter but was still youthful enough to appeal to the Fox audience, which is skewed towards ‘young.’

Phew! Dodged that bullet. So to speak.

Thanks to Fox for the photo.

Apparently, on the Straight Talk Express this week, John McCain expressed his utter despair over our hero’s impending incarceration.

Carrie Dann from NBC/National Journal was on the bus when McCain exclaimed, “I’m heartbroken. HEARTBROKEN!” and pointed at a TV.

“Sutherland arrested,” read the cable news chyron. McCain shook his head as he rehashed the news that Kiefer Sutherland, the star of the hit action series “24,” will do jail time for a DUI arrest. “My hero, Jack Bauer!” McCain said with mock incredulity.

A reporter quickly pointed out that Jack Bauer might not spend a lot of time in jail.

McCain agreed:

If I know my Jack Bauer, he’s gonna be out of there in a New York minute! I’ve never seen him held captive for more than five minutes in any episode.