Blogs.4Bauer

Punxsutawney Phil, the infamous weather predicting rodent, emerged from his hole on Tuesday and saw Jack Bauer’s shadow signaling at least 18 more weeks of terrorists getting their ass kicked and the end of winter.

Haven’t people learned by now that it’s not smart to fool with Jack? Granted, Keifer, not so much.

Prosecutors say Michael Wayne Carr of Linden had agreements to buy steers in Mexico for his customers and sell them for profit in the United States. Carr allegedly took $869,000 from Sutherland, star of the Fox TV show “24,” and $177,000 from a New Mexico couple.

This may just be a publicity stunt to give us a glimpse at the rest of Season 8. It turns out that the Russians are really working for Mexican cattle rustlers.

The upside is that after the interrogation — steak for everyone!

Counterpoint: Jack is the best grampa ever!
By: Teri Bauer (the one who’s alive)

While Grandpa Oscar is in the bathroom again, going poopy (I bet he does that a whole bunch of times a day), I wanted to tell you why Jack is the bestest grampa in the whole wide world.

He doesn’t even look like a grandpa. I mean, he never EVER goes to the bathroom, unlike this Oscar guy, who I think has a cot in there.

Besides, if Jack’s such a bad influence, how come he’s saved the world like, a zillion times already?

I like Grampa Jack because we don’t play peek-a-boo or any other stupid baby games. We play “Interrogation” and “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?”

One time, we played “Nuclear Meltdown” and I got to put my Barbie Townhouse in the oven! I bet Grandpa Oscar doesn’t do cool stuff like that with his granddaughter. She’s gonna turn out to be a wimp.

Kim and “daddy” are moving to California with me, and Jack is supposed to move with us, but I think he has to save the world first.

What have you saved, Grandpa Oscar, besides 50 cents at the supermarket with a coupon?

When Jack hurts somebody, it’s always for a good cause. He just wants to make sure my mommy and I grow up in a safe world.

So Be Quiet, Grandpa Oscar. I would say Shut Up, but my mommy taught me that’s not a nice thing to say, especially to an old person.

That’ll teach the fat guy.

I have some good news and some bad news.

First, the bad news.  This will probably the last season for our favorite show, you know….24

Now for the good news.  There will be no Jack Bauer-Audrey Raines hook-up (Jadrey is what we call the relationship in celebrity-hookup terms).

Exec producer Evan Katz tells me that a series-ending story has been hatched should 24 clock out for good next May—and it doesn’t involve an Audrey-Jack reunion.

“Some of the things we’re doing this season preclude [her returning],” he says. “So I think not. She was in bad shape the last time we saw her.” (Source)

That being said, this site has been known to throw around some rumors to see what sticks.  With Audrey still blowing spit bubbles and talking to her carpet, Jack Bauer needs a new love interest.

Why not go Brokeback?  With our inside sources, I can confirm the new relationship for Jack Bauer will be…. “CurBauer”.  Curtis Manning, who I bet you thought was killed when Jack shot him in the neck to save the terrorist Assad.  Nope, Edgar Stiles got a silent clock, however Curtis did not meaning he’s alive and wants Jack, literally.

Curtis: “You hurt me real bad Jack”

Jack: “Dammit Curtis, I had to save Assad.  I had no choice”

Curtis: “We all have choices Jack, I choose you”

The new relationship should secure at least one Grammy, an Emmy and a few Sundance awards.

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Janis “Honey” Gold gets under everyone’s nerves, even a guy dying from Mad Cow disease cannot stand her.

When you are done watching that, watch it again. Then submit your 24 posts to the weekly Carnival of Bauer!!!

Just when you thought we were blessed with a Kim Bauer fix without some silly sideplot.   She didn’t drag soulman (C. Thomas Howell) to the office or get kidnapped.  Nope, this time she made Jack Bauer a grandparent.  Really, Jack Bauer is a grandpa!  I have a grandpa, he served in WW2 – she has a Grandpa and he saves the world in 24-hour increments.

Imagine all the nightime stories Grandpa Baer can read to Kim Bauer Jr.?  

“Tell me the story about the time you landed an airplane on the LA Freeway grampa Bauer”

“Gramdpa Bauer says forcing a bad guy to swallow a towel is more effective than hooking up car batteries to bad guys junk in most cases”

Then the questions will come up about where Grandma is and who’s the red-haired bimbo hanging out with grandpa.  Then baby Bauer will be told that great-grandpa was a bad guy and is most likely in hell with Uncle Graem.  

God help her if she ever googles “Jack Bauer”.  

Babies aren't supposed to have stuffed cougars in their crib

1. Moooooo
2. Kim, the butt chin is from your mother’s side of the family, along with the lack of basic survival skills.
3. Kim, just tell me where I can find this RFTR character and I will deal with him my own…painful way. 
4. So basically the previews make it appear that you’re back but actually you just need to cry a bit and leave.  You should be done by lunch.
5. Kim, I don’t know how to tell you this…but I’m not really dying.  The Chinese forced me to watch Captivity and if I could survive that, I can pretty much survive anything.

Got other possible captions? Post them in the comments.

Make sure to submit your 24-related posts to The Carnival of Bauer!!!

Happy St. Patrick’s day from Blogs4Bauer. When you are out drinking with all your “Irish” friends tonight, let them know the true story behind St. Patrick’s day.

St. Patrick was a good man but he was given credit for scaring snakes out of Ireland, which is not 100% true.  It’s not widely known that Saint Patrick only spooked the snakes.  They didn’t leave until one Paddy McBauer chased down all the snakes and growled at them, which scared them out of Ireland for good.   He then went and scared off the French.

So drink your green beer, eat your corned beef, kiss someone because they’re Irish.  But know there are no snakes (or french people) in Ireland thanks to Paddy McBauer.

Last week’s episode saw the introduction of bonus points (which Jack put to good use) and the departure of fan favorite (not including Amy V) Bill Buchanan.  Jack was also set to get some points for a round of good old fashioned Bauer torture – when some guy gassed him and killed the guy Jack was supposed to work on, thus framing Jack Bauer.    

To recap, Jack Bauer’s boss bit the dust and Jack Bauer had nothing to due with it (unlike the time he shot Ryan in the head).  Also, the focus of Jack Bauer’s rage also died, but (once again) Jack Bauer had nothing to do with it.  That puts us in a position where Jack is at his most dangerous state…on the run.  

Here are the points and winner from last week:

Killing Someone x5  = 5 points + 5 bonus points
 Total Points = 10

Hour 1-4 Winner: Jim says: I’m going low. 5 points.
Hour 5 Winner: Jack Bauer says: I am going with 3 points tonight.
Hour 6 Winner: steveegg says: Dean stole my 1, so I’m going 2.
Hour 7 Winner: RFTR says: Was going to say 6. Guess I’ll go with 5.
Hour 8 Winner: Trish Huttut says: 7…and thats my final answer
Hour 9 Winner: Dean says: I’ll go with 2.
Hour 10 Winner: wisekrakr says: 3 seems good for a slightly disappointing transition follow.
Hours 11-12 Winner: Just A Bill says: 5

Hour 13 Winner: Wyatt Earp says: 10 points.  I hope.

Post your guess at how many points Jack Bauer will rack up tonight in the comments. A list of how points are scored  is below.

Kill Counter 3.0
Killing Someone = 1 point
Killing a good guy = -1 point

NEW – Kill Combos - if Jack Bauer kills more than one person in a scene – he gets combo points for each kill (example 3 kills = 6 points)
1 kill = 1 point
2 kills = 2 points + 2 combo = 4 points
3 kills = 3 points + 3 combo = 6 points

Bonus Points
“Dammit” = 1 point
“We don’t have enough time” = 1 point
NEW “Drop the weapon” = 1 point
NEW Use of a Jack Sack = 5 points
Shooting down a helicopter = 10 points
Mentioning Kim Bauer = 2 points
Apologizing for anything = -5 points
Crying = -5 points
Surrendering to bad guys = -10 points

1) If you work with Jack Bauer, there’s a 75% chance that he’ll eventually attack you. Theres a pretty good chance you’ll die.  If your name rhymes with Shill Hughcannon or Flirtus Canning odds are you’ll get both.  Did Jack attack Ryan Chappelle prior to shooting him in the head?

2) There’s a company out there that makes and installs ridiculously large ventalation shafts.

3) Agent Larry “The Douche” Moss is really making Jack Bauer mad.  You don’t make Jack Bauer mad, just ask the telephone Jack tased in Episode 11.

4) Jon Voight may have driven a 1989 LeBaron, but he still makes one hell of a bad guy.

5) You won’t see torture scenes involving a baby and old men being offed for the hell of it on Heroes.

6) 24 fans really don’t care about global warming, even if you think juxtaposing a couple of 24 catch phrases in a PSA will do the trick.  Dammit.
24 Going Green PSA – Cherry Jones

You can practically see the heat between Jack Bauer and Renee Walker!

After ten hours of working very closely together, isn’t it time for these two beautiful people to express their love physically, which was the style at the time? Lord knows they had a few moments after the vehicle explosion, and from what one could see, the back seat of the SUV was still fairly intact.

Was it dirty? Not if you love each other, it isn’t! Besides, everyone knows that Agent Red Hot is a dirty girl who puts on that patrician facade in an attempt to play hard to get.

It won’t work.

Jack Bauer gets what he wants, and if I know Jack like I think I know Jack, he wants Agent Red Hot. So, let’s quit the shenanigans and get naked already!

To quote the immortal Comic Book Guy: “Worst idea . . . EVER!” You may want to get the duct tape ready, because this rumor is guaranteed to ‘splode your skull:

What do you say when Robin Williams asks, “Can I be on “24?”

Wanna know “24″ star Kiefer Sutherland’s response?

“Wow. It would be an honor.”

An honor for whom? Kiefer Sutherland or the millions of 24 fans. Lord knows our informal poll amongst the B4B contributors was met with all the excitement and exuberance of a Nancy Pelosi/Newt Gingrich home sex tape. *shudder*

“You’re talking about an Academy Award-winning actor with no lack of energy, which is what we require,” Sutherland admits.

“Robin would be an innocent computer analyst who stumbles onto something cryptic he doesn’t know he has and becomes a target. Jack Bauer, the government and the bad guys are all looking for this guy, who is scared to death and running for his life.” (H/T – Radar Online)

If only art could imitate life. Look, I like Robin Williams . . . in small doses . . . in comedies. The fact that the producers of 24 are making us sit through an entire season of Janeane Frakkin’ Garofalo shows that the viewers have suffered enough. Adding Robin Williams to the cast next season – which is rumored to be the final season – would be considered cruel and unfunny punishment.

Personally, I would rather see 24 sign on Michelle Obama, Billy Mays, and Vince, the ShamWow Guy before inking Robin Williams.

I’m just sayin’.