Spread the word. Today is JBAD!

Previous JBAD Posts
May 9th 2007
May 9th, 2006
May 9th, 2005

The TV premiere of the 24 – Season 7 trailer is on Fox tonight during the 7th inning of the World Series. Not to spoil it, but the Red Sox will be up 11 – 2 with home runs from Manny, Big Papi, and possibly even JD Drew. Ok, so maybe not Drew.

You can also go to Times Square around 1pm today and watch it in the rain. Or you can just watch the trailer now.

Jack Bauer brings torture back, check.
There’s a shooter on the roof, check!
Mole in the FBI, check.
Tony’s back, check.
Tony’s a bad guy who wants to crash airplanes. What?

I have an issue with Tony’s new favorite hobby, crashing airliners. John McClane called, he wants the Die Hard 2 plot back. If they are going to steal a Die Hard plot, at least steal from one of the good ones. Someone get me Samuel L. Jackson and some snarky German terrorists for Jack Bauer to take down while performing asinine tasks and riddles?

Hot Agent: Do whatever it takes, torture him if you have to.
Bauer: I’m going to enjoy this.

So, what do you think? I remember the explosive Season 6 trailer looked pretty cool as well.

1) Give somebody your word. When Jack gives you his word, he’s forging an iron-clad bond with you. When you live up to your obligations, you’re inching closer to being like Jack.

2) Commandeer a vehicle. This one is always a good time. Let’s say you’re walking out of Dunkin‘ Donuts and you realize your car is on the other side of the parking lot. “DAMMIT!” you say to yourself. But right in front of you is some insurance salesman in his brand-spanking new Jeep Liberty. Perfect. Approach the man, announce yourself briefly and inform him that you are commandeering his vehicle. To help sell the urgency of this moment, mutter “I don’t have time for this” to yourself, but loud enough for the person to hear. And if you have your hands free at the moment, push the person down to the ground in a firm yet gentle manner. This shows that you’re all business, but you’re not a sadist.

3) Whisper. Man, I gotta tell ya, when I’m sitting in my office and I hear Emily over the cubicle partition yapping away about some sort of silliness, I feel the Bauer inside me start to rage. Most people do not know how to use their voice effectively. But not Jack. Oh no, he is the master. When Jack is emphatic, he starts to express himself in an urgent yet dignified whisper. So, when you’re on the phone with Jill from accounting and she’s telling you there is no time in the day to get a budget estimate out on that last-minute project, you better start that whispering, pal. “Jill, if I don’t get that estimate before the end of the day people are going to die, do you understand me?” Also, inform Jill that you are a federal agent, and give her your word for good measure (see #1 above).

4) Scream. So, now you’ve gotten the whispering in and you’ve drawn people into your sphere of influence. But wait, they’re not moving fast enough in following your instructions. Well, that’s the moment when you put aside the whispering and start screaming like your pants are on fire. Obviously, you need to start it off with “DAMMIT!” as that is what cuts through all the bullshit of the moment. From there you have to reiterate your instructions with gusto– “DAMMIT JILL, I NEED THOSE BUDGET ESTIMATES NOW!” Sure, she’ll be a little flustered, she may even cry a little, but the only thing poor Jill wants more than a Valium is to get those budget estimates done so you’ll stop yelling at her.

5) Don’t eat Chinese food today. This one is tough for me personally, because I could eat Chinese food everyday if… ya know, what am I saying? This one isn’t that tough at all. Well, anyway, the Chinese government tortured Jack for 18 months (boo!) and they broke Audrey ‘s brain (yay!) but they stole a vital computer chip that has the Russians crapping their pants (boo!) but they drive American vehicles (yay!). I go back and forth on the Chinese. But because of the whole 18 months of hell that Jack had to endure, I think it makes sense to skip the spare ribs and egg rolls for at least today. Well, if you really wanted to honor Jack, you’d skip ALL food for the day, as he never gets a chance to eat. But that’s for the more orthodox followers of Jack Bauer. For the rest of you people, have a taco instead.

Okay, that’s JBAD in a nutshell. Sure, it’s similar to those other Bauer holidays, but that’s just more fun for the rest of us, right? Now go forth and spread the goodness. With these five easy steps, Bauer will be honored properly.

Having a hot daughter.

Happy Jack Bauer Appreciation Day everybody!

Good: What Jack Bauer would do
Bad: What Miles would do

Mole will not confess to being a mole.
Good: Sit the “mole” down and tell them you plan on popping out their eyeballs with a knife.
Bad: Going to Human Resources and telling on the “mole”.

Someone keeps stealing critical office equipment
Good: Place a tracking device on stapler. When located, force the “mole” to swallow a towel.
Bad: Order new supplies and hope they stop.

Office “mole” keeps stealing lunches from the office fridge
Good: Inject poison into ham sandwich and keep antidote handy to use as bargaining tool.
Bad: Keep your food at your desk.

When you press the elevator button…a “mole” comes along and presses it again.
Good: Kick to the groin.
Bad: Ignore it, they obviously do not trust the little light inside the button or your ability to fully press the button.

Got other WWJBD solutions to office problems? Post them in the comments below.

Signs Your Co-worker Is a Mole
10. They give the new intern the “mole nod” on the way to a meeting.
9. Admits to being a mole after an hour of sensory deprivation.
8. Joins the company softball team and seems to be throwing games.
7. Reformats an Excel spreadsheet without telling you.
6. Steals your Swingline Stapler – theft is a gateway crime.
5. They watched David Blaine last night, instead of 24.
4. Always wants you to try his wife’s ricin-roni.
3. Fails to tell you that he/she dropped a “dirty bomb” in the bathroom.
2. Posts comments mocking Blogs4Bauer livebloggers.

and the number 1 sign your co-worker is a mole:
1. They openly supported Marwan last season

If you know more signs – post them in the comments.

The next step is to take out the mole(s). Odds are Human Resources has already been infiltrated. You will need to take matters into your own hands. The Best Ways to Deal With an Office Mole will be posted later today.

Happy Jack Bauer Appreciation Day!

Since we cannot trust the current president, I have taken the matter of making Jack Bauer Appreciation Day a national holiday to the Vice President. Since I did not know the email address of Hal Garnder, I wrote to Vice President Dick Cheney instead.

Spread the word- Jack Bauer Appreciation Day – May 9th. Write your congressman, your senator, your mother. Call Patrick Kennedy’s office and tell him that it’s Jack Bauer Appreciation Day not Jack Daniels Appreciation Day. Tell your boss that you need May 9th off because Jack Bauer told you to.

Check in tomorrow to Blogs4Bauer for special posts to celebrate Jack Bauer Appreciation Day.

The Jack Bauer Appreciation Day edition of The Carnival of Bauer will be held Thursday with The Llama Butchers, get your posts in by midnight on Wednesday.

Jack Bauer Appreciation Day is coming. May 9th.

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