With the four-hour start of Season 6, we are going to celebrate Talk Like Jack Bauer Day on January 15th. Yes, we ripped off Talk Like a Pirate Day, sue us. (Please don’t actually sue us as we have no money.) We thought about having a Talk Like Edgar Day, but it just revolved around obscene amounts of Ho-Hos and crying. Talk Like Tony Day involved too many needles and participating in Talk Like Chloe Day would just end up pissing people off.

Here’s a little “how-to” guide to talking like Jack Bauer on January 15th from your pals at Blogs4Bauer. If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us.

Q: I don’t know how to “talk” like Jack Bauer.
You’re already well on your way, since that was not a question and Jack does not have time for questions. Additionally, if you find yourself not knowing how to talk like Jack Bauer, it’s acceptable to just act like Jack Bauer. That usually means lots of excessive force.

Q: What if someone gets upset with my Jack Bauer impersonation?
A: Act more upset or use excessive force.

Q: I told my boss’ child that his father is dead in my best evil voice. What now?
A: Make sure you call his wife.

Q: What do I do if I get fired?
A: Remember, Jack Bauer has been fired many times, but he’s never stopped working. If necessary, assume a secret identity for the rest of the day (using alliteration is advised) until they need you again.

How to act on Talk Like Jack Bauer Day
-Make sure to yell very simple requests.
-Take a helicopter to work.
-Issue threats that involve family members and/or body parts.
-Always mention that you’re running out of time.
-Carry a manpurse. Wear aviators. Don’t do drugs.
-Start each conversation with “I’m federal agent (your name), and today is the longest day of my life”.
-Carry around zip ties and a pair of pliers (because you never know).
-Ask a coworker for either a hacksaw or lighter fluid.
-Keep a car battery and some jumper cables on your desk.
-Use your cell phone as much as possible. If the battery dies, just pretend it’s still working.
-End phone calls by stating “remember, I’m in a Flank 2 position“. Works well when you are on a conference call.
-Use at least 5 exclamation points in every email!!!!
-Ask “Who are you working for!?” to as many people as possible.
-Throw out a “Dammit” during the day, just for the hell of it.
-Drink each time you hear a co-worker say “Dammit”.
-Make a mistake at work? Blame Nina Myers.
-Request everything be sent to your PDA (works best if you don’t have one).
-Accuse co-workers and/or children of being moles.
-Make sure to let your co-workers catch you looking at Google Earth maps of their houses. When they ask why, tell them that you’ve tracked a terrorist cell to that location.

Samples
Co-worker: How was your weekend?
You: damnit Bob, we don’t have time for simple questions.
Co-worker: I just asked about your weekend.
You: Dammit. Who are you working for?
Co-worker: Never mind, forget I asked.

Co-worker: Hey man. Did you already get breakfast?
You: I’ve killed 3 people today and no I’ve yet to eat breakfast. Dammit!
Co-worker: Is that a threat?
You: That’s not a threat, that’s a fact.

Boss: Hey, where are the reports I asked for?
(pull out stapler, move towards boss)
You: I think the question you should be asking is how are you going to read the reports after I staple your eyelids to your desk!

(If a co-worker tries to talk to you while you’re using the urinal, finish up, flush, walk over to the sink, wash your hands, and remove a paper towel from the dispenser.)
You: You probably don’t think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I’d hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It’s very painful. (Reference)

Co-worker: Hey, can you cover for me? I need to run an errand.
You: Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you’re still conscious is that I don’t want to do your work for you.

Finally, remember that for the whole 24 hours of Talk Like Jack Bauer Day, you cannot go to the bathroom or charge a cell phone. Also, it should only take you a maximum of 3 minutes to get anywhere you are going.

If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us and we may incorporate them on a future TLJBD post.

10. All moles will be hunted down and killed. For now, squirrels are okay.
9. Public schools will replace soccer fields with shooting ranges.
8. Read my lips: no new terrorists.
7. Handguns will be mandatory for every citizen.
6. Blogs posting pictures of Kim Bauer will be immediately erased.
5. Chloe O’Brian will be named Secretary of Frowning and Sarcasm.
4. The Pittsburgh Penguins will move to Hartford and be renamed the Whalers.
3. New York will reinstate the death penalty: strangulation by piano wire.
2. Christopher Henderson will be reanimated as a cyborg cop.

And the number one Bauer 2006 campaign promise is . . .

1. Edgar Stiles will be posthumously awarded Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Champion.

A 24 DVD Board game will be on sale in August. According to IMDB, only Keifer Sutherland made the jump from TV to the game and Duppy Demetrius is the writer for the game.

Here is a Blogs4Bauer exclusive preview of the game:

Baueropoly
Contents: DVD, game board, mole(s), game cards, C4, label sheet, torture devices, player tokens. (hacksaw not included)

Objective: Players take on the role of CTU agents, racing time to collect clues and win on-screen “mini-game challenges.” Each game begins with a terrorist act; the CTU agents are then briefed and given several clues regarding the terrorists’ full plans. Kim Bauer then screws everything up forcing some players to restart the game. The first player to identify and stop a threat to national security wins. The losers get tortured.

Mini-game challenges: Randomly pick from the cards for tasks that include: force Nina Myers to swallow a towel, Get Edgar to eat dog food, and make love to Kim Bauer.

Jack Bauer in the kitchen with the lead pipe.

Do you have any suggestions for the game? Add them in the comments below.

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will return as a monthly carnival (unlike Jack Bauer who’s dead) for the “off season”. While the number of posts may drop, we can fill the carnival rolls with simple Google News and Yahoo searches that are sure to have people coming back for more.

Now for the exciting 2-hour Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale.

///Begin Transmission///

Emperor Misha I opens the carnival with the first of many Chinese slogans with Slow Boat to China posted over at Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. I personally like “Big Trouble in Little China“.

The Right Mom knows why Jack Bauer got nabbed. Mom notes in her recap, Bauer left his manpurse behind. Hell hath no fury like a manpurse scorned.

Karen of Scottsdale from The View from My Chair presents her recap of the 2-hour season finale: 24 Day 5 5:00-7:00 a.m.

Jeff Kouba at Peace Like A River presents his recap 24 Day 5 5:00 AM – 7:00 AM. Just in case you were wondering, Jeff notes the Number of times Jack says “Now!” is 38 for the season.

Everyone saw that it was the Chinese who have taken Jack Bauer right? Not so fast, Point Five states that China has denied kidnapping both The Lindbergh baby and now Jack Bauer.

The Llama Butchers know that Jack Bauer is dead. They don’t need paper clues since Fox leaked them a publicity shot for Season 6. Jack is the Walrus.

King Tom’s Kingdom presents Double the 24, Double the fun which is a post with “Not-so-deep thoughts on the final two hours of season 5.” Tom knows there’s really nothing deep about 24 to begin with.

Little Miss Chatterbox recaps the season finale for 24, Prison Break, and Alias. Her recap also notes her losing out on a Fox Award. She has been Jack Bauer’s biggest fan this season and deserves something more than a little Fox award. LMC you have won The Jack Bauer Thinks You Are #1 Award, presented by Bill Buchanan (Jack Bauer doesn’t have time for awards).

Part-Time Pundit notes in this post – the addictive quality of 24. Tony and Jack agree, they both prefer heroin.

Steve over at MagicLamp.org presents his recap of 24: 5 am to 7 am. He posts his comments at some guy named Dave Barry’s blog. CTU has already set up a perimeter around Dave Barry’s blog, which means absolutely nothing.

///end transmission///

That’s it for the Season Finale. The next Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted in Pirate talk on the last Monday of June.

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 1 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Tony – Week 3 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Life – Week 4 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of the Cougar – Week 5 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 6 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Logan – Week 7 – Inn of the Last Home
The Carnival of Jenny!!! – Week 8 – Justin’s Random Thoughts
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 9 – Below the Beltway
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 10 – Right Wing Nation
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 11 – The Llama Butchers
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 12 – Cake or Death

*The Carnival of Bauer!!! will now take place on the last Monday of the month. Email Jack Bauer if you would like to host one.

Upcoming Carnivals:
Monday – June 26th
Monday – July 31

The Following Takes Place Between 06:00 am and 07:00 am

06:00 to 06:14:22
What did I tell ya? About two minutes after hitting the sheets, Prez and Mary Todd Weasel have finished making sex like crazed weasels and are neatly putting their clothes back on. Meanwhile, Jack has put on a flight suit to disguise himself as the chopper’s co-pilot. Chloe has managed to get the real co-pilot removed from the flight. Jack accesses The Matrix and has the instructions for flying Marine One downloaded directly into his brain. Chloe sends fake credentials to Dick Cheney, who sends them to Red Foreman. The dumbass co-pilot comes to the locker room, and Red distracts him while Jack takes the co-pilot out in a sleeper hold. He then boards the chopper.

The motorcade pulls up to the landing area. Cheney whispers to Mary Todd that Jack is on the helicopter. Mry Todd has to think of a reason not to go with him. She leans over to the Prez. “Hey, Chuck, I just remembered, I left my Tampax at the ranch, and I’m having a heavy flow day. And I don’t want to stain the seats on Air Force 1.” Weasel agrees that this is gross and leaves her behind.

The chopper takes off with Jack in the co-pilot’s seat. As soon as they are airborne, Jack points his gun at the pilot. “OK, trained Marine pilot, do what I tell you or I’ll shoot you.” Jack then goes in back and tasers the two secret service dudes. He strips his helmet off and the look on Weasel’s face when he sees Jack is priceless.

Chloe orders the chopper to lnd at an industrial part. Then, Jack tasers the strikingly handsome Marine chopper pilot, leads the president of of the supposed ‘Marine 1 at gun point, and then takes him into an abandoned printing facility. Probably one of the ones used by the LA Times before their circultion went into the toilet. Jack searches the president, removes his personal effects, handcuffs him to a pole, and prepares him for the worst torture imaginable: reading him several years worth of Robert Scheer columns.

About that time, Al Bundy O’Brien enters with the modified field equipment Jack requested. Then he leaves. Chloe calls to tell Jack he has 20 minutes to shake a confession from the weasel, or they will all be tried for treason.

06:18:33 to 06:24:54
Weasel taunts Jack. “You’ll never get a confession out of me.” Jack responds by reading off the bullet points of what Weasel has done:
- Helped terrorists acquire Tex-Mex nerve gas
- Assasinated David Palmer
- Killed innocent civilians to cover his lies
- And also Sid Blumenthal
- Tried to have Red Foreman killed.

Weasel sneers, “So, what are you going to do? Dance around me with a straight-edge razor and then cut my ear off while listening to ‘Stuck in the Middle With You? You haven’t got the cobblestones.”

“The good news is, I’m not going to torture you,” Jack tells him. “The bad news is, I am going to kill you if you don’t tell me. Confess at the count of three, or I will kill you. Tell me who your co-conspirators are or I will shoot you on the count of three.”

Jack pulls out the gun and counts..

“1…”

“2…”

“3…”

But Jack pussies out. He lets himself be arrested by the Secret Service as the president smugly re-pockets his personal belongings and orders Jack to be taken to the nearest loony ward.

06:29:05 to 06:35:22

Five minutes later, the helicopter is landing at the airfield and Mary Todd is waiting. President Weasel steps off his crappy gray Seahawk helicopter that looks nothing like the Marine One we are used to and approaches the podium as David Palmer’s flag-draped coffin is lowered respectfully to the ground.

Mary Todd loses it, calls her husband a murderer, and is dragged away literally kicking and screaming into an airplane hangar. After making sure the building is secure, Weasel walks in and starts slapping her around like Jackson Brown. Then, he accuses her, correctly, of delaying the helicopter, so Jack could be on-board. And, in the course of beating her, he gives the full confession Jack wasn’t able to get out of him.

06:39:57 to 06:49:04
President Weasel approaches the podium and prepares to give his David Palmer obsequies. He praises him as a great American, a ood soldier, a personal friend, and one hell of an Allstate spokesman.

Meanwhile, Chloe has patched CTU to the Attorney General. She has a recorded confession from Prez Weasel. It’s the confession he made to Mary Todd in the hangar. The recording device was placed on the president’s pen. CTU heard every word of his confession (but I think it’s the slapping around his wife that really sealed his fate, impeachment-wise.) They play the recording back for the attorney general who turns white as a … okay he was pretty darn pale to begin with, but, he is pretty gosh-darn upset.

One of Prez Weasel’s Secret Service guys gets a call. President Weasel sees his SS phalanx acting nervous (amd where the Hell is that Moose guy.), he thinkg, ”Oh, no, not another terrorist attac. That wasn’t suppose to happen until Wednesday. Gosh darn oil cabal.”

But, instead, the secret service is there to arrest him and take him into custody, prior to his all-but-certain gosh-darn impeachment. He begins to wish he had just ate his gun in the first place.

S4GF meets with Jack. He lunges for her and gives her a big manly kiss. Jack is granted one moment of happiness, but, much like ‘Angel,’ he must now pay for it.
Just then, Jack gets a call from Cougarbait. He takes it inside to answer it, and promises S4GF that they can begin their life together, and everything will be wonderful again.

But it is not Cougarbait. Instead, three guys in black ski masks and leather jackets chloroform Jack and drag him out.

06:53:35 to 07:00:00
Chiggy and Frau Blucher say goodbye. Frau Blucher promises to put him back in charge of CTU, but refuses his offer of one of his famous “Bill Buchanan Breakfast Specials” (McGriddles and a SuperSized cup of Jim Beam). Then, Chiggy gives Chloe a picture of her and Edgar she doesn’t remember posing for. Then, she realizes it’s a PhotoShop with her face on the nude body of Eva Longoria. “Oh, Edgar…”

S4GF goes into the building, finds the phone off the hook. She is upset and orders the cops to search for Jack… then remembers she just signed a deal to star in her own show and hops onto a Segway and takes off to star in her own series on ABC.

Soon, Jack is revealed to be in the hands of the Butchers of Beijing. Jack asks to make one phone call. They refuse. “Then, how about more cow bell?” Again, he is refused. He collapses on the floor whispering ‘Kill Me.’

“Kill you? You are far too valuable to kill Mr. Bauer,” says the guy who looks like Jackie Chan. Well, actually, they all kinda do.

We then find out Jack is on a Chinese freighter… bound for a slave-labor factory will he will be forced to make Wal-Mart happy face signs for 18 hours a day.

Hey, wait a minute. That can’t be right. Since when do we export anything to China?

The four that rated lowest in the poll: Bierko, Henderson, Frau Blucher, and Tony Almeida.

Kim Bauer
Kim has the amazing ability to screw things up for Jack. While Kim, her acne, and her boy toy got small roles this season – there is plenty of time for her to make her mark. Remember that Henderson introduced Kim to her shrink/boyfriend.

Curtis Manning
Where the hell has Curtis been this season? He finally teamed up with Bacardi (Jack) for the last episode only to get shot. Did he marry the Russian prostitute? Did Jack’s punch to the head cause him brain damage? Anyway, Curtis is headed back to CTU Medical where they will either kill him or torture him.

Chloe O’Brian
Killing off Chloe would be the worst move for Fox since Skating With Celebrities. Chloe’s death would send nerds into a rage – ratings would slip to Commander in Chief levels. No, Chloe will be around to spread her sunny disposition across CTU, a trait that caused Edgar to eat.

Jack Bauer
Even Chuck Norris knows that Jack Bauer could die tonight. I keep telling people this and I’m sick of the “but he signed on for 3 more seasons” response. He did sign on, but that doesn’t mean that “Season 6″ will take place after this one. 24 Prequels could happen. Jack could also die and then become an Obi-Wan Kenobi type character coming back to give nuggets of advice to Curtis and his crew. “Curtis, we don’t have time for you start questioning your spirituality” yells the ghost of Jack Bauer to Agent Manning.

Regardless, the commercials state that we will not be disappointed with the 2 hour season finale.

Who will live? Who will die? Watch and find out. And read and comment during our liveblog while you are at it. Then, check back later for VtheK’s exclusive TIVO blogging.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge -
1) Guess Tonight’s 2 Hour Body Count

Here on Blogs4Bauer, when you see that Tyler is liveblogging – you know a boring 24 will soon follow. This season, whenever there was a slowdown in Jack’s day, Tyler was liveblogging. However, when we teamed him up with RFTR in a Liveblogorama – the 24 Gods smiled and dusted 12 CTU agents before the first commercial break. With some assumptions on the size and class of Russian nuclear subs, the final tally ended up at 121.

Other
Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge Results
Episodes 1,2 – 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess – 4)
Episodes 3,4 – 14 Bodies
RFTR – 14
Episode 5 – 2 Bodies
AL – 2
Episode 6 – 1 Body
AL – 1
Episode 7 – 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob – 5
Episode 8 – 14 Bodies
Deathlok – 13
Episode 9 – 7 Bodies
RFTR – 7
Episode 10 – 8 Bodies
The Man – 8
Episodes 11, 12 – 59 Bodies
Justin – 27
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin – 3
Episode 14 - 0 Bodies
Citizen Grim – 3
Episode 15 – 12 Bodies
Al – 11
Episode 16 – 7 Bodies
Shawn – 7
Oxen – 7
Episode 17 – 10 Bodies
Al – 9
Oxen – 9
Dan – 11
Denis E. Ambrose, Jr – 11
Episode 18 – 6 Bodies
The Man – 6
efitz – 6
Episode 19 – 4 Bodies
The Man – 5
Episode 20 – 0 Bodies
Craig – 0
Episode 21 – -1 Body
The Man – 0
Episode 22 - 121
NDwalters – 18

The 12th edition of The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted at Cake or Death.

Next week, Blogs4Bauer will retire the Carnival of Bauer!!! as a weekly carnival. The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be held monthly during “the off season”. Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Monthly Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony – Week 3
The Carnival of Life – Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar – Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 6
The Carnival of Logan – Week 7
The Carnival of Jenny!!! – Week 8
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 9
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 10
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 11
Make sure to get your entries into next week’s Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday!

The 11th edition of The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted at The Llama Butchers.

Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.

Upcoming Hosts
Your Cake or Death (5/18)
The Templar Times

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony – Week 3
The Carnival of Life – Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar – Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 6
The Carnival of Logan – Week 7
The Carnival of Jenny!!! – Week 8
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 9
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 10
Make sure to get your entries into next week’s Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday!