Blogs.4Bauer

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day – January 15

In one month, Jack Bauer returns to save the world for the sixth time.
What have you done lately?

With the four-hour start of Season 6, we are going to celebrate Talk Like Jack Bauer Day on January 15th. Yes, we ripped off Talk Like a Pirate Day, sue us. (Please don’t actually sue us as we have no money.) We thought about having a Talk Like Edgar Day, but it just revolved around obscene amounts of Ho-Hos and crying. Talk Like Tony Day involved too many needles and participating in Talk Like Chloe Day would just end up pissing people off.

Here’s a little “how-to” guide to talking like Jack Bauer on January 15th from your pals at Blogs4Bauer. If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us.

Q: I don’t know how to “talk” like Jack Bauer.
You’re already well on your way, since that was not a question and Jack does not have time for questions. Additionally, if you find yourself not knowing how to talk like Jack Bauer, it’s acceptable to just act like Jack Bauer. That usually means lots of excessive force.

Q: What if someone gets upset with my Jack Bauer impersonation?
A: Act more upset or use excessive force.

Q: I told my boss’ child that his father is dead in my best evil voice. What now?
A: Make sure you call his wife.

Q: What do I do if I get fired?
A: Remember, Jack Bauer has been fired many times, but he’s never stopped working. If necessary, assume a secret identity for the rest of the day (using alliteration is advised) until they need you again.

How to act on Talk Like Jack Bauer Day
-Make sure to yell very simple requests.
-Take a helicopter to work.
-Issue threats that involve family members and/or body parts.
-Always mention that you’re running out of time.
-Carry a manpurse. Wear aviators. Don’t do drugs.
-Start each conversation with “I’m federal agent (your name), and today is the longest day of my life”.
-Carry around zip ties and a pair of pliers (because you never know).
-Ask a coworker for either a hacksaw or lighter fluid.
-Keep a car battery and some jumper cables on your desk.
-Use your cell phone as much as possible. If the battery dies, just pretend it’s still working.
-End phone calls by stating “remember, I’m in a Flank 2 position“. Works well when you are on a conference call.
-Use at least 5 exclamation points in every email!!!!
-Ask “Who are you working for!?” to as many people as possible.
-Throw out a “Dammit” during the day, just for the hell of it.
-Drink each time you hear a co-worker say “Dammit”.
-Make a mistake at work? Blame Nina Myers.
-Request everything be sent to your PDA (works best if you don’t have one).
-Accuse co-workers and/or children of being moles.
-Make sure to let your co-workers catch you looking at Google Earth maps of their houses. When they ask why, tell them that you’ve tracked a terrorist cell to that location.

Samples
Co-worker: How was your weekend?
You: damnit Bob, we don’t have time for simple questions.
Co-worker: I just asked about your weekend.
You: Dammit. Who are you working for?
Co-worker: Never mind, forget I asked.

Co-worker: Hey man. Did you already get breakfast?
You: I’ve killed 3 people today and no I’ve yet to eat breakfast. Dammit!
Co-worker: Is that a threat?
You: That’s not a threat, that’s a fact.

Boss: Hey, where are the reports I asked for?
(pull out stapler, move towards boss)
You: I think the question you should be asking is how are you going to read the reports after I staple your eyelids to your desk!

(If a co-worker tries to talk to you while you’re using the urinal, finish up, flush, walk over to the sink, wash your hands, and remove a paper towel from the dispenser.)
You: You probably don’t think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I’d hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It’s very painful. (Reference)

Co-worker: Hey, can you cover for me? I need to run an errand.
You: Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you’re still conscious is that I don’t want to do your work for you.

Finally, remember that for the whole 24 hours of Talk Like Jack Bauer Day, you cannot go to the bathroom or charge a cell phone. Also, it should only take you a maximum of 3 minutes to get anywhere you are going.

If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us and we may incorporate them on a future TLJBD post.

The Top Ten Bauer 2006 Campaign Promises

10. All moles will be hunted down and killed. For now, squirrels are okay.
9. Public schools will replace soccer fields with shooting ranges.
8. Read my lips: no new terrorists.
7. Handguns will be mandatory for every citizen.
6. Blogs posting pictures of Kim Bauer will be immediately erased.
5. Chloe O’Brian will be named Secretary of Frowning and Sarcasm.
4. The Pittsburgh Penguins will move to Hartford and be renamed the Whalers.
3. New York will reinstate the death penalty: strangulation by piano wire.
2. Christopher Henderson will be reanimated as a cyborg cop.

And the number one Bauer 2006 campaign promise is . . .

1. Edgar Stiles will be posthumously awarded Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Champion.

Coming Soon: Baueropoly
Good news to those of you who already have the 24 Cell Phone game, the 24 DVD box sets, the 24 PS2 game, the 24 wrist watch, and the CTU Ringtone.

A 24 DVD Board game will be on sale in August. According to IMDB, only Keifer Sutherland made the jump from TV to the game and Duppy Demetrius is the writer for the game.

Here is a Blogs4Bauer exclusive preview of the game:

Baueropoly
Contents: DVD, game board, mole(s), game cards, C4, label sheet, torture devices, player tokens. (hacksaw not included)

Objective: Players take on the role of CTU agents, racing time to collect clues and win on-screen “mini-game challenges.” Each game begins with a terrorist act; the CTU agents are then briefed and given several clues regarding the terrorists’ full plans. Kim Bauer then screws everything up forcing some players to restart the game. The first player to identify and stop a threat to national security wins. The losers get tortured.

Mini-game challenges: Randomly pick from the cards for tasks that include: force Nina Myers to swallow a towel, Get Edgar to eat dog food, and make love to Kim Bauer.

Jack Bauer in the kitchen with the lead pipe.

Do you have any suggestions for the game? Add them in the comments below.

Top 10 Reasons Jack Bauer Hates Soccer
10. 0-0 ties.
9. Hooking up an opponent’s nipples to a car battery might get him a red card.
8. All the damn foreigners.
7. Hacksaws are not allowed.
6. Edgar Stiles in soccer shorts.
5. FIFA looks down on torturing referees.
4. It’s boring.
3. Team USA takes 43 shots to score a goal. Jack Bauer takes 4 shots to shoot down a helicopter.
2. Bauer’s post-goal celebration of shoving a towel down the throat of the goalie and pissing on his forehead earned 156 yellow cards.
1. Audrey Raines likes soccer.

Jack Is Dead
A reader sent us a link to more screen shots of the mysterious scribble on the back of a photo found in Edgar’s possessions in the final episode of 24. It really does not take a CTU Agent to decipher the message, “Jack is Dead“. I’m really surprised that Chloe did not pick up on it. Edgar was a mole.

Click Here for more on the codes.

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

Carnival of Bauer!!! XIII
Welcome to the Season Finale of The Carnival of Bauer!!!. This carnival is dedicated to the 24 fans who have contributed and hosted the most dangerous Blog Carnival in the history of Blog Carnivals. How dangerous is it? Well Glenn Reynolds linked to us after he stated on his podcast that he had stopped linking carnivals. When Jack Bauer tells you to link to a damn carnival, you better link to the carnival.

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will return as a monthly carnival (unlike Jack Bauer who’s dead) for the “off season”. While the number of posts may drop, we can fill the carnival rolls with simple Google News and Yahoo searches that are sure to have people coming back for more.

Now for the exciting 2-hour Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale.

///Begin Transmission///

Emperor Misha I opens the carnival with the first of many Chinese slogans with Slow Boat to China posted over at Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. I personally like “Big Trouble in Little China“.

The Right Mom knows why Jack Bauer got nabbed. Mom notes in her recap, Bauer left his manpurse behind. Hell hath no fury like a manpurse scorned.

Karen of Scottsdale from The View from My Chair presents her recap of the 2-hour season finale: 24 Day 5 5:00-7:00 a.m.

Jeff Kouba at Peace Like A River presents his recap 24 Day 5 5:00 AM – 7:00 AM. Just in case you were wondering, Jeff notes the Number of times Jack says “Now!” is 38 for the season.

Everyone saw that it was the Chinese who have taken Jack Bauer right? Not so fast, Point Five states that China has denied kidnapping both The Lindbergh baby and now Jack Bauer.

The Llama Butchers know that Jack Bauer is dead. They don’t need paper clues since Fox leaked them a publicity shot for Season 6. Jack is the Walrus.

King Tom’s Kingdom presents Double the 24, Double the fun which is a post with “Not-so-deep thoughts on the final two hours of season 5.” Tom knows there’s really nothing deep about 24 to begin with.

Little Miss Chatterbox recaps the season finale for 24, Prison Break, and Alias. Her recap also notes her losing out on a Fox Award. She has been Jack Bauer’s biggest fan this season and deserves something more than a little Fox award. LMC you have won The Jack Bauer Thinks You Are #1 Award, presented by Bill Buchanan (Jack Bauer doesn’t have time for awards).

Part-Time Pundit notes in this post – the addictive quality of 24. Tony and Jack agree, they both prefer heroin.

Steve over at MagicLamp.org presents his recap of 24: 5 am to 7 am. He posts his comments at some guy named Dave Barry’s blog. CTU has already set up a perimeter around Dave Barry’s blog, which means absolutely nothing.

///end transmission///

That’s it for the Season Finale. The next Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted in Pirate talk on the last Monday of June.

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 1 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Tony – Week 3 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Life – Week 4 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of the Cougar – Week 5 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 6 – Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Logan – Week 7 – Inn of the Last Home
The Carnival of Jenny!!! – Week 8 – Justin’s Random Thoughts
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 9 – Below the Beltway
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 10 – Right Wing Nation
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 11 – The Llama Butchers
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 12 – Cake or Death

*The Carnival of Bauer!!! will now take place on the last Monday of the month. Email Jack Bauer if you would like to host one.

Upcoming Carnivals:
Monday – June 26th
Monday – July 31

OK, why do we have to recap the stuff we just watched?

The Following Takes Place Between 06:00 am and 07:00 am

06:00 to 06:14:22
What did I tell ya? About two minutes after hitting the sheets, Prez and Mary Todd Weasel have finished making sex like crazed weasels and are neatly putting their clothes back on. Meanwhile, Jack has put on a flight suit to disguise himself as the chopper’s co-pilot. Chloe has managed to get the real co-pilot removed from the flight. Jack accesses The Matrix and has the instructions for flying Marine One downloaded directly into his brain. Chloe sends fake credentials to Dick Cheney, who sends them to Red Foreman. The dumbass co-pilot comes to the locker room, and Red distracts him while Jack takes the co-pilot out in a sleeper hold. He then boards the chopper.

The motorcade pulls up to the landing area. Cheney whispers to Mary Todd that Jack is on the helicopter. Mry Todd has to think of a reason not to go with him. She leans over to the Prez. “Hey, Chuck, I just remembered, I left my Tampax at the ranch, and I’m having a heavy flow day. And I don’t want to stain the seats on Air Force 1.” Weasel agrees that this is gross and leaves her behind.

The chopper takes off with Jack in the co-pilot’s seat. As soon as they are airborne, Jack points his gun at the pilot. “OK, trained Marine pilot, do what I tell you or I’ll shoot you.” Jack then goes in back and tasers the two secret service dudes. He strips his helmet off and the look on Weasel’s face when he sees Jack is priceless.

Chloe orders the chopper to lnd at an industrial part. Then, Jack tasers the strikingly handsome Marine chopper pilot, leads the president of of the supposed ‘Marine 1 at gun point, and then takes him into an abandoned printing facility. Probably one of the ones used by the LA Times before their circultion went into the toilet. Jack searches the president, removes his personal effects, handcuffs him to a pole, and prepares him for the worst torture imaginable: reading him several years worth of Robert Scheer columns.

About that time, Al Bundy O’Brien enters with the modified field equipment Jack requested. Then he leaves. Chloe calls to tell Jack he has 20 minutes to shake a confession from the weasel, or they will all be tried for treason.

06:18:33 to 06:24:54
Weasel taunts Jack. “You’ll never get a confession out of me.” Jack responds by reading off the bullet points of what Weasel has done:
- Helped terrorists acquire Tex-Mex nerve gas
- Assasinated David Palmer
- Killed innocent civilians to cover his lies
- And also Sid Blumenthal
- Tried to have Red Foreman killed.

Weasel sneers, “So, what are you going to do? Dance around me with a straight-edge razor and then cut my ear off while listening to ‘Stuck in the Middle With You? You haven’t got the cobblestones.”

“The good news is, I’m not going to torture you,” Jack tells him. “The bad news is, I am going to kill you if you don’t tell me. Confess at the count of three, or I will kill you. Tell me who your co-conspirators are or I will shoot you on the count of three.”

Jack pulls out the gun and counts..

“1…”

“2…”

“3…”

But Jack pussies out. He lets himself be arrested by the Secret Service as the president smugly re-pockets his personal belongings and orders Jack to be taken to the nearest loony ward.

06:29:05 to 06:35:22

Five minutes later, the helicopter is landing at the airfield and Mary Todd is waiting. President Weasel steps off his crappy gray Seahawk helicopter that looks nothing like the Marine One we are used to and approaches the podium as David Palmer’s flag-draped coffin is lowered respectfully to the ground.

Mary Todd loses it, calls her husband a murderer, and is dragged away literally kicking and screaming into an airplane hangar. After making sure the building is secure, Weasel walks in and starts slapping her around like Jackson Brown. Then, he accuses her, correctly, of delaying the helicopter, so Jack could be on-board. And, in the course of beating her, he gives the full confession Jack wasn’t able to get out of him.

06:39:57 to 06:49:04
President Weasel approaches the podium and prepares to give his David Palmer obsequies. He praises him as a great American, a ood soldier, a personal friend, and one hell of an Allstate spokesman.

Meanwhile, Chloe has patched CTU to the Attorney General. She has a recorded confession from Prez Weasel. It’s the confession he made to Mary Todd in the hangar. The recording device was placed on the president’s pen. CTU heard every word of his confession (but I think it’s the slapping around his wife that really sealed his fate, impeachment-wise.) They play the recording back for the attorney general who turns white as a … okay he was pretty darn pale to begin with, but, he is pretty gosh-darn upset.

One of Prez Weasel’s Secret Service guys gets a call. President Weasel sees his SS phalanx acting nervous (amd where the Hell is that Moose guy.), he thinkg, ”Oh, no, not another terrorist attac. That wasn’t suppose to happen until Wednesday. Gosh darn oil cabal.”

But, instead, the secret service is there to arrest him and take him into custody, prior to his all-but-certain gosh-darn impeachment. He begins to wish he had just ate his gun in the first place.

S4GF meets with Jack. He lunges for her and gives her a big manly kiss. Jack is granted one moment of happiness, but, much like ‘Angel,’ he must now pay for it.
Just then, Jack gets a call from Cougarbait. He takes it inside to answer it, and promises S4GF that they can begin their life together, and everything will be wonderful again.

But it is not Cougarbait. Instead, three guys in black ski masks and leather jackets chloroform Jack and drag him out.

06:53:35 to 07:00:00
Chiggy and Frau Blucher say goodbye. Frau Blucher promises to put him back in charge of CTU, but refuses his offer of one of his famous “Bill Buchanan Breakfast Specials” (McGriddles and a SuperSized cup of Jim Beam). Then, Chiggy gives Chloe a picture of her and Edgar she doesn’t remember posing for. Then, she realizes it’s a PhotoShop with her face on the nude body of Eva Longoria. “Oh, Edgar…”

S4GF goes into the building, finds the phone off the hook. She is upset and orders the cops to search for Jack… then remembers she just signed a deal to star in her own show and hops onto a Segway and takes off to star in her own series on ABC.

Soon, Jack is revealed to be in the hands of the Butchers of Beijing. Jack asks to make one phone call. They refuse. “Then, how about more cow bell?” Again, he is refused. He collapses on the floor whispering ‘Kill Me.’

“Kill you? You are far too valuable to kill Mr. Bauer,” says the guy who looks like Jackie Chan. Well, actually, they all kinda do.

We then find out Jack is on a Chinese freighter… bound for a slave-labor factory will he will be forced to make Wal-Mart happy face signs for 18 hours a day.

Hey, wait a minute. That can’t be right. Since when do we export anything to China?

24: Final Four
After 2,514 votes – the final four 24 cast members you voted as “most likely to survive” are:
1) Jack Bauer
2) Chloe O’Brian
3) Curtis Manning
4) Kim Bauer

The four that rated lowest in the poll: Bierko, Henderson, Frau Blucher, and Tony Almeida.

Kim Bauer
Kim has the amazing ability to screw things up for Jack. While Kim, her acne, and her boy toy got small roles this season – there is plenty of time for her to make her mark. Remember that Henderson introduced Kim to her shrink/boyfriend.

Curtis Manning
Where the hell has Curtis been this season? He finally teamed up with Bacardi (Jack) for the last episode only to get shot. Did he marry the Russian prostitute? Did Jack’s punch to the head cause him brain damage? Anyway, Curtis is headed back to CTU Medical where they will either kill him or torture him.

Chloe O’Brian
Killing off Chloe would be the worst move for Fox since Skating With Celebrities. Chloe’s death would send nerds into a rage – ratings would slip to Commander in Chief levels. No, Chloe will be around to spread her sunny disposition across CTU, a trait that caused Edgar to eat.

Jack Bauer
Even Chuck Norris knows that Jack Bauer could die tonight. I keep telling people this and I’m sick of the “but he signed on for 3 more seasons” response. He did sign on, but that doesn’t mean that “Season 6″ will take place after this one. 24 Prequels could happen. Jack could also die and then become an Obi-Wan Kenobi type character coming back to give nuggets of advice to Curtis and his crew. “Curtis, we don’t have time for you start questioning your spirituality” yells the ghost of Jack Bauer to Agent Manning.

Regardless, the commercials state that we will not be disappointed with the 2 hour season finale.

Who will live? Who will die? Watch and find out. And read and comment during our liveblog while you are at it. Then, check back later for VtheK’s exclusive TIVO blogging.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge -
1) Guess Tonight’s 2 Hour Body Count

Here on Blogs4Bauer, when you see that Tyler is liveblogging – you know a boring 24 will soon follow. This season, whenever there was a slowdown in Jack’s day, Tyler was liveblogging. However, when we teamed him up with RFTR in a Liveblogorama – the 24 Gods smiled and dusted 12 CTU agents before the first commercial break. With some assumptions on the size and class of Russian nuclear subs, the final tally ended up at 121.

Other
Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge Results
Episodes 1,2 – 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess – 4)
Episodes 3,4 – 14 Bodies
RFTR – 14
Episode 5 – 2 Bodies
AL – 2
Episode 6 – 1 Body
AL – 1
Episode 7 – 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob – 5
Episode 8 – 14 Bodies
Deathlok – 13
Episode 9 – 7 Bodies
RFTR – 7
Episode 10 – 8 Bodies
The Man – 8
Episodes 11, 12 – 59 Bodies
Justin – 27
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin – 3
Episode 14 - 0 Bodies
Citizen Grim – 3
Episode 15 – 12 Bodies
Al – 11
Episode 16 – 7 Bodies
Shawn – 7
Oxen – 7
Episode 17 – 10 Bodies
Al – 9
Oxen – 9
Dan – 11
Denis E. Ambrose, Jr – 11
Episode 18 – 6 Bodies
The Man – 6
efitz – 6
Episode 19 – 4 Bodies
The Man – 5
Episode 20 – 0 Bodies
Craig – 0
Episode 21 – -1 Body
The Man – 0
Episode 22 - 121
NDwalters – 18

Carnival of Bauer!!! XII

The 12th edition of The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted at Cake or Death.

Next week, Blogs4Bauer will retire the Carnival of Bauer!!! as a weekly carnival. The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be held monthly during “the off season”. Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Monthly Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony – Week 3
The Carnival of Life – Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar – Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 6
The Carnival of Logan – Week 7
The Carnival of Jenny!!! – Week 8
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 9
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 10
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 11
Make sure to get your entries into next week’s Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday!

Carnival of Bauer!!! XI – Llama Style (24 hours late)

The 11th edition of The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted at The Llama Butchers.

Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.

Upcoming Hosts
Your Cake or Death (5/18)
The Templar Times

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony – Week 3
The Carnival of Life – Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar – Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 6
The Carnival of Logan – Week 7
The Carnival of Jenny!!! – Week 8
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 9
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 10
Make sure to get your entries into next week’s Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday!

TivoBloggin’: The Followin’ Done Took Place Betwixt 3:00 am and 4:00 am. Woooo-EEEE!

Over the weekend, I watched the movie Evolution, in which President Logan gets dragged into a water hazard by a horrible alien prehistoric creature to his death. I don’t know why I bring that up, except that maybe the alien prehistoric creature could show up for a Point/Counterpoint.

03:00:00 to 03:12:03

“I Want Every Light We’ve Got Poured onto that runway.” Jack is still on a plane, posed to swat the co-pilot, Roger Murdock, with his man-purse if he does anything other than land the plane. Frau Blucher calls up Token and orders him to go the airport to pick up Jack. Token growls, “What am I, your damned chauffeur?”

S4GF is in the CTU infirmary, next to the bodies of Edgar and Sam Gamgee, who are beginning to get a little gamey. But there is good news. In addition to having saved a bundle on car insurance, she learns that her father, Bo Duke Hellfeld, apparently survived the crash into the ocean. Apparently, his helmet hair cushioned the impact.

President Weasel considers what to do about Jack about to land with the recording that shows he was in on David Palmer’s assassination. It will cause a major scandal that will destroy his presidency. Dick Morris advises him to just “Stick it out and Stonewall! Stonewall! Stonewall! We’ll get James Carville to blame it on a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy to destroy the president.” But then Weasel gets a call from Leonard Betts (the evil earphone guy {obscure reference to end all obscure references), who has a plan.

Leonard Betts: “We will get the plane to transmit a VCI signal.” ‘
President Weasel: ‘The VCI signal? What is it?”
Leonard Betts: “It’s a signal that the plane’s been hijacked by terrorists, but that’s not important right now…”

He goes on to explain that if the plane transmits a VCI signal, the military is required to shoot it down. So, most airlines are really careful about making sure they don’ turn on accidentally. Except at AmericaWest, where they just don’t give a damn.

Chiggy Killer and Frau Blucher make the mistake of talking in front of Brick Tamlin (a.k.a HLS Dick, a.k.a. Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git). Who escalates from “Whiny and Annoying” to full-on Al Franken fingernails-on-chalkboard mode. She has to promise to explain to him later why she’s decided to work with the guy she just had arrested. And he goes off to chew on the drywall until he is needed again.

Dick Cheney reports that the FAA has picked up a “VCI Distress Signal.” Weasel plays dumb. ”The VCI signal what is it?” “It’s a signal that the plane’s been hijacked by terrorists, but that’s not important right now…”

Admiral Itchy-Trigger-Finger rings up the president. “Hey, can we shoot down that plane?”

Cheney: “Mr President, that wouldn’t make any sense.”

Weasel: “Agreed. Burn that mother.”

Frau Blucher gets the word that his plane is about to be shot down and alerts Jack. Jack gets an idea. “Let’s land on a freeway. I’ve always wanted to do that.” Leslie Nielsen opens the cockpit door, “I just want you to know, we’re all counting on you.”

03:16:13 to 03:23:35

Chloe returns to CTU under heavy guard. Frau Blucher explains that they need Chloe to talk to Jack and warn him that there’s an F/A-18 ready to unload a Sidewinder on his ass. They communicate this intel to Jack while Chloe tries to hack into the F/-18 and reprogram its missile to blow up John Lithgow.

Jack runs back into the cabin and grabs the lead flight attendant. “We need to make an emergency landing.”

“Emergency landing, what is it?”

“You’re the damned stewardess, figure it out.” He returns to the cockpit, where Chiggy calls him on the phone.

Chiggy: “Hey, we found a stretch of freeway that’s almost long enough.”

Jack takes out his space-folding device. “I’ll make it long enough.”

Chloe discovers the F/A-18 is on their tail like Andrew Sullivan on a Fire Island pool boy. Jack tells Roger Murdock to put the plane into a steep dive. Murdock insists the plane can’t handle it. Jack hits him with his man-purse, then handcuffs him to the yoke. “We’re putting down on that freeway.” Leslie Nielsen opens the cockpit door, “I just want you to know, we’re all counting on you.”

“The aircraft is in a landing profile. We can’t shoot it down now,” says Admiral Itchy-Trigger-Finger. Weasel reluctantly orders them to abort.

The plane hits the freeway and skids to a stop just short of an overpass. Leslie Nielsen opens the cockpit door, “I just want you to know, we’re all counting on you.” Jack coolly orders everybody out the back of the plane, then sneaks out a side-door. He calls Token and they agree to meet under the overpass by moonlight. Sounds like one of Edgar’s “dates.”

03:27:43 to 03:36:12

Jack hides in the bushes, waiting for a large black man to come along and invite him into his car; again, not unlike one of Edgar’s “dates.” He spots Token’s car and then runs across the freeway, still clutching his man-purse. Upon entering the car, they transform from Jack and Token into the crimefighting duo of Bacardi and Cola. As they try to flee, their exit is blocked by a company of Marines. A man in uniform approaches Cola’s car and points a gun at him. Being a black driver in Los Angeles, Cola is used to this. Cola sweet-talks his way past the Marine patrols by daring him to shoot him. The Man backs down. Cola drives off giving the Black Power salute.

Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git calls Frau Blucher and threatens to hold his breath until he gets a guest spot on House unless she tells him what’s going on. “I don’t deserve this,” he whines like the crybaby little girl he is. She agrees to talk to him. She tells him about Jack Bauer and the recording. “You’re covertly helping Bauer? I thought you loved me best.” Frau Blucher pinches him behind the ear to keep him docile and submissive. Then, she goes out to formalize the transfer of Comrade HATO (Remember him) to Federal custody. He is walked out of CTU by a whole squad of DHS Security, and exchanges knowing winks with one of them, which no one else in the security detachment notices.

Nice to see that the DHS takeover hasn’t affected CTU security standards.

03:40:24 to 03:47:43

“Where’s the guy who looks like Dick Cheney?” Weasel demands. Like Radar O’Reilly, Dick Cheney immediately appears at his side. “Bauer seems to have escaped the perimeter,” he reports. Weasel gets a weird look on his face. “Jack Bauer is a bad man. I’m wishing him into the corn!” But that doesn’t work. Cheney leaves. And the phone rigs. And Weasel lets it ring and ring. He looks very sad.

Jack passes the recording to the only person he can trust, namely Chloe. Meanwhile, S4GF is trying to reach her dad in ICU, when Jack walks in an her eyes light up like a thousand dollar shopping spree, “Oh, Jack, you’re back and my fathers going to live. I just know that from now on, everything’s going to be all right.”

Jack holds her oh-so-tenderly. “President Weasel is going to pay for Davd Palmer’s assassination… and this is one bill he can’t put on his Discover card.”

Meanwhle, Weasel takes a box from the shelf, and gives a call to Leonard Betts. Betts tells him, “A trial would be bad for the country. It would be like OJ times 911 times 36,000,000. You know what you have to do.” Weasel takes a gun from the box.

03:51:53 to 3:59:59

Weasel drops in on Mary Todd Weasel, all bundled up and laying on the couch, watching infomercials and snarfing Haagen-Daaz. “Can I come in?”

Mary Todd is still Chloeing. “Now, you want to talk? Is there something else you want to confess?”

Weasel channels Phil Donahue. “I can live with gassing a bunch of people, framing Jack Bauer, almost getting you and the Russian president killed, and almost shooting down a plane full of innocent people… but I’m really sorry about hurting you.”

Mary Todd offers him little comfort. “Well, on the plus side, Jimmy Carter must be glad that he’s no longer the Worst President Ever.”

Weasel goes back to his study, takes out the gun and a bottle of JD, and is about to finish himself off when the phone rings. “Damn phone always rings when you’re about to do something…” To no one’s surprise, it’s Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. “Jack Bauer has just brought a recording here to play for the Attorney-General. I am prepared to intervene.”

“Let me know how it works out.” Weasel puts the gun away and pours himself another Scotch. “Thank God, there’s always someone who’s a bigger rodent than you.”

Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git goes to the conference room where Chloe is working on authenticating the recording. He emits a piercing, whining noise … no, wait, that’s just his natural voice … that keeps her distracted while he holds a tiny blinking Cylon next to the recording. When she plays it for the Attorney-General, all he’ll hear is the Theme from ‘Gilligan’s Island.’

Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We will be departing shortly, in the meantime please note the exit ways and the lighted asiles that will probably not come in handy, since we are flying at 35,000 feet at 540MPH.

Tonight’s in-flight entertainment and live-blogging will be brought to you by The Man.

So unbuckle your saftey belts and get ready for 24.

Note: the last time I liveblogged, Edgar was still alive. So please take it easy on me. Wyatt went out and shot a perp last week after he liveblogged.

3:00am – The president has one shot to silence Jack Bauer….

Previously on 24: Jack blows shit up.

3:01 – Jack: the co-pilot was a mole and David Blaine is not going to die. I never saw that coming.

3:05 – Did someone order a Bacardi and Cola?

3:07 – There is a scenario for when Jack Bauer takes control of a plane? What is it?

3:11 – Jack Bauer is going to land an airliner on I-95. David Blaine is still alive.

Kill Counter Update: Heller lives (-1 kill), Tony is still dead.

3:15 – If you are new to 24…you can switch back over to David Blaine until 9:45…that is when Jack Bauer goes to work. The rest of the show is pure filler.

3:16 – Jack Bauer has 4,000 feet to land an airplane that needs 5,000 feet. Better dump the fat passengers. Oh… and there is nothing to worry about (except for the F-18 coming to shoot us down). David Blaine’s feet are gross.

3:20 – Jack Bauer 1 — F-18 0 (was there ever a doubt)

3:23 – Someone let out the Air Marshall…. Damn that sucks.

3:24 – Ladies and gentlemen, we will be arriving at exit 14…exit 15…exit 16…exit 18…

3:26 – Stewart “what’s his name” from Sportscenter is MCing the David Blaine crap.
I stopped by Blaine’s manquarium today.

3:27 – Curtis really wants to apprehend Jack Bauer.

3:33 – Karen: “we have evidence”
Miles: “what is it?”
Karen: “A thing or things helpful in forming a conclusion or judgment, but that is not important right now”

3:34 – The driver is a mole….didn’t see that one coming. The Kill Counter is looking good.

Can president’s pardon themselves?

3:35 – The last time Jack and Audrey were in CTU – Medical….Jack unplugged her husband.

3:37 – President Logan and David Blaine will soon grace the kill counter.
Is he going to go out like other crazy white people… shoot his wife, dog, neighbor, kid, etc…

3:50 – for logan the glass is half full

3:55 – David Blaine lives… Miles is the mole.

4:00 – Noone made a copy of the recording?

This week’s episode of 24 brought to you by Scotch. Not for your Grandfather anymore.

Final thoughts: A big -1 on the Jack Bauer Kill Counter! David Blaine did not make the record for holding his breath.

Next Week: The live blogging will be posted in Pirate talk, yeaaarrrr. Miles still be ye mole, CTU sends more backup agents to Davy Jones locker, Aaron is strung up by President Weasel, and Jack Bauer shows his wee teeth to Henderson, yyeeaarrrr.

Counterpoint: A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn’t Run His Pie-hole So Much
by Chloe O’Brian

Dear Spenser,

I read with great interest your recent article entitled “Dude, I Wouldn’t Hit That Again”, which obviously referred to our sorry little tryst. I have decided to respond point by point.

“Yes, I ‘knocked boots’ with the famous Chloe O’Brian, woop-de-doo.”

That’s right, ‘famous’. Say it again. The fact remains that you will always be the Garfunkel to my Simon. The Tito to my Michael. The Hall to my Oates. Okay, scratch that last one but you get the picture.

“I knew Chloe was messed up when she kept asking me to do her ‘binary style’. “

And I knew you were messed up when you asked me to put on a UPS uniform and scream, “This is what brown can do for you!” while I tagged you with that strap-on. WTF?!?!?

“I tried to dismiss her cries for ‘Edgar’.”

Umm, dude… that was you who kept crying out for Edgar. I can see the attraction though.

“Some people at CTU think Chloe has Asperger syndrome, well I think she’s just retarded.”

My mom says that I am perfectly normal. It just takes me a little while to warm up in social situations. And don’t confuse “Aspergers” the syndrome, with “Ass Burgers” the male strip club that you used to dance at while you “worked your way through college”. What’s the going rate on a reach-around these days anyhow?

“Then, the only way I got her to go out with me was to take her to see The Star Wars Kid when he spoke at a local Dairy Queen.”

He’s a genius and you are just jealous.

“When I get out of jail, Chloe and I will never, ever have a future together.”

Don’t you mean “if” you get out of jail? It’s not often that the inmates get to play a little game of “prime rib & meat thermometer” with a J-Crew model. You better believe they’ll be doing their best to try and keep your fine ass in there. And if you do get out, my guess is your future will be spent endlessly exercising your sphincter muscles with the hope that someday, somehow you will have a somewhat normal bowel movement again.

“In fact, I wouldn’t hit it with Behrooz’s junk.”

Hmm. As luck would have it I was thumbing through Playgirl’s Muslim Machismo issue the other day and lo and behold, there was a picture of our boy Behrooz in all his glory. Let’s just say that you are about a falafel and a half short of measuring up, little fella.

Here’s my advice to you Spenser. Thank your lucky stars that you even had a chance to get with this. However, there is only one guy out there who will ever be able to wipe the scowl off of my face. Security concerns prevent me from revealing his name, but I can tell you that it rhymes with Crack Sour. Now step.

Point: Dude, I Wouldn’t Hit That, Again.
by Spenser Wolff

Carnival of Bauer!!! X
The 10th edition of The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted at Right Wing Nation.

Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.

Upcoming Hosts
The Llama Butchers (5/11)
Your Cake or Death (5/18)
The Templar Times

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony – Week 3
The Carnival of Life – Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar – Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 6
The Carnival of Logan – Week 7
The Carnival of Jenny!!! – Week 8
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 9
Make sure to get your entries into next week’s Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday!

Point: Dude, I Wouldn’t Hit That, Again.
by Spenser Wolff

Yes, I “knocked boots” with the famous Chloe O’Brian, woop-de-doo. You must hate me because I was with Chloe O’Brian and the inner nerd inside you secretly hopes her career goes downhill so she’s forced into nerd-porn. Well guys, I’ll be the first to say that I would’t hit that, again.

I knew Chloe was messed up when she kept asking me to do her “binary style“. I tried to dismiss her cries for “Edgar” and even ignored it when she went cross-eyed midway through our dirty deed. Looking back, I should’ve asked for more money when Christopher Henderson got me into CTU as a mole to shack up with O’Brian. I was banging the hostess at Applebees before Henderson suckered me into this mission.

Some people at CTU think Chloe has Asperger syndrome, well I think she’s just retarded. Do you know how long I had to hit on her to finally get a date? Then, the only way I got her to go out with me was to take her to see The Star Wars Kid when he spoke at a local Dairy Queen. Don’t even ask me about Trek Week.

At the CTU Halloween Party, she had us go as Han Solo and Leia. Chloe was Han. Curtis, dressed as Lando Calrissian, openly mocked my cinnamon buns. Edgar went as Pilot Red Six. Dating Chloe O’Brian set my street rep back at least 15 years.

When I get out of jail, Chloe and I will never, ever have a future together. In fact, I wouldn’t hit it with Behrooz’s junk.

Counterpoint: A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn’t Run His Pie-hole So Much
by Chloe O’Brian

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point – Don’t Hold Your Breath; Heller’s Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint – Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point – I’m Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint – Henderson, You’re As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) – by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. – by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! – by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint – Audrey, stand by your man! – by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point – Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic – by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint – Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning – by Vladimir Bierko

Point – I’m going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint – Nah, you’re not. – by Death

Point – CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint – My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint – Violence Makes The World Go ‘Round

Point – Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint – A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point – It’s Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint – Confucius Say, “Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little”

Point – Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint – Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point – They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer’s cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint – The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!