Blogs.4Bauer

OBEY THE SIDEBURNS!

Good afternoon. My name is Frank Trammell, and I am a member of the United States Embassy in Sangala, Africa. Now normally, people would scoff at such a menial government position, but those people would be ill-informed. Yes, it is hot as Hell here – it’s like Africa hot – but the perks are outstanding.

For example, in Sangala, I am treated as a demigod. The peons know who they need to sway to get things done, and that man is F-R-A-N-K. If someone needs a new thatched hut, they come to Frank. If someone needs an indoor plumbing system, they come to Frank. And if the hot and cold running broads want some lovin’ . . . well, you better believe they come to Frank.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Frank, you’re not a very attractive guy. How are you so powerful?” I’m glad you asked, because I can summarize my appeal in one word:

Sideburns.

Yeah, that’s right. These Carl Yastrzemski specials drive the women – and some of the men – absolutely wild. No matter how much hair I lose up top and no matter how much I sweat, I am always in control as long as the sideburns are a-showin’. Say what you want about Jack Bauer’s blond locks or “Zombie” Tony Almieda’s Caesar-come-soul patch, but when it all comes down to it, nothing beats the Trammell Trails!

So guys, when you’re ready – really ready – to take that next step into manhood, you might want to take a page from the Frank Files. Grow some bitchin’ sideburns. Awesomeness will follow.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Jack Bauer’s back and he’s kicking some fake-African country warlord’s butt and rescuing orphans.  Plus 24 swears in their first female president (this show is so fake).  In the second hour he goes to Detroit and solves the woes of GM, Ford, and Chrysler…just kidding, even Jack Bauer couldn’t fix Chrysler. If he was given a third hour Jack would have taken care of the sub-prime mortgage problem with some jumper cables and a towel.

For this 2 hour power hour – we won’t have a fancy kill counter modulator thingamajig like we did last season.  Nope, we are going to a simple points-based system.

Here is the simple scoring system

Killing a dude = 1 point
Killing a good dude = -1 point
Killing a chick = 1 point (how’s that for equal rights)
Killing a kid = 0.5 point

Bonus Points
“Dammit” = 1 point
“We don’t have enough time” = 1 point
Shooting down a helicopter = 5 points

Let me know if you have any additional points-based suggestions in the comments.  We will post the final rules prior to Sunday’s airing of 24: Redemption.

Less than 120 hours remain until Redemption airs. We’ve seen the trailers, the ads, and the cast additions. It was 18 months ago when Season 6 ended and a writer’s strike did what Russians, Colombians, and a Chinese prison couldn’t do — hold Jack down.

Now, not everyone was thrilled with Season 6. (Does the word Crapapalooza mean anything to you?) We filled the time with the Blogs.4Bauer Writers Strike Substitute episodes. We wrote about thrilling cast additions like Janeane Garofalo and Cherry Jones.

Still, Jack’s fans are a surprisingly optimistic bunch. To various degrees we are looking forward to the new season, and to Sunday night’s airing of Redemption. Or some are. What are your thoughts? Discuss it in the comments, vote in the poll.

Note the narrator has changed from the teaser leaked on the Internet a while back, definitely for the better.

What do you think? Crapapalooza II or could be good? No matter what, you have to admit it’ll be cool to see Jack, tied up to a bamboo cage and being burned on the face with a hot machete, killing the bad guy with his legs. That’ll learn tribal rebels not to tie Jack’s legs up, too.