Blogs.4Bauer

1:00:00 to 1:13:54
Agent Douche chews out Sarcastic Android for referring to Agent Streetwalker in the past tense as the Planet Mercury looks on… oh, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… But it’s all good because Agent Streetwalker wasn’t dead, she was just taking a dirt nap. Chiggy and Potato Face dig her up and revive her with Zombie Juice. Zombie Streetwalker wants to call her boss at the FBI, but Chiggy won’t let her because any of several moles could give a head’s up to Highlander/Tanneth.

Meanwhile, the Magic Bus pulls into an airplane hangar, Highlander/Tanneth hops out and promptly holds a gun to Jack’s head, drawing a rebuke from Zombie Tony. “Accursed mandrake!” he yells as Jack urges him to “take the shot.” So, Zombie Tony shoots Highlander/Tanneth. Meanwhile, Colonel Lionel Jefferson who is apparently working out of the MSNBC newsroom orders his guy, Tad Huffington IV, to pick up Morgan Freeman and shoot everybody so he can keep his diamonds.

1:18:04 to 1:26:58
So, Jack is persuading Morgan Freeman to trust him and let Potato Face put a secret transmitter in his teeth so he can infiltrate MSNBC headquarters and capture Lionel Jefferson. Morgan Freeman is reluctant, but Mrs. Freeman tells him he has to have courage. To which he replies, “Oh, gee, thanks, Mrs-Couldn’t-Wait-to-Pull-the-Chicken-Switch-in-the-Panic-Room.”

Also, Tanneth lays a guilt trip on Zombie Tony: “How could I ever have suspected a man I convinced to turn traitor to his own government would ever turn on me?” He also tells Zombie Tony to go to hell, which you can tell hurts Tony deeply.

Alfred the Butler is still trying to get President Cankles to “just back the hell off!” Colonel Lionel Jefferson meanwhile sets up two jets, one filled with 250 puppies, the other with 21 kittens, to crash into each other in a spectacular fireball. KA-BOOM!

1:31:12 to 1:36:28

President Cankles meets with her cabinet, who offer this advice. “Madam President, our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot.” Cankles thanks Jimmy Carter for his advice, but says she is not backing down. She leaves, looking concerned and conflicted, holding out hope that Prime Minister Morgan Freeman can be recovered.

“Maybe the First Bald Dude can talk her out of this,” Alfred the Butler decides. “I’ll see if he’s hanging around in that chick’s apartment”

1:40:47 to 1:48:36
Potato Face shows Morgan Freeman the tiny transmitter. “Stand still while I jam this in your mouth.” “That’s what she said,” Morgan Freeman replies. Jack, meanwhile, apologizes to Zombie Streetwalker for shooting her and burying her alive, but also reminds her to count her blessings. “Every other woman I’ve ever liked has ended up dead or with Spam for brains, so, you’re actually doing pretty good.”

Anyway, first Bald First Dude is paralyzed in the apartment while Kevin Bacon acts out “Friday the Thirteenth” in front of him with the Skinny Gretchenish chick.

1:52:56 to 1:59:59
Tad Huffington IV pulls up in a van to pick up Morgan Freeman, claiming he iced Jack and Tanneth. Tad Huffington IV asks where Morgan Freeman is, and Zombie Tony says he’s on ice. Zombie Tony demands to see the ice before he gives up Morgan Freeman. Tony takes the diamonds, Tad’s men try to shoot him, but Zombie Tony and Jack drop them. They let Tad Huffington take Morgan Freeman to MSNBC headquarters.

Meanwhile, First Bald Dude recovers enough from his paralysis to use the Claw of Death to take out Kevin Bacon in a classic railing kill.

And Colonel Lionel Jefferson decides to kill 18,000 Americans by blowing up the Acme Deadly Chemicals plant in Kittenburg, Ohio.

Tck-Tock

Apparently, Agent Walker (aka Red Hot) has to look at Tony’s junk before being buried alive. Yikes!

Email from the Management: The name of the main character isn’t Ace, it’s Jack, you moron.

12:00:00 to 12:10:46

So, Zombie Tony, Highlander, and Jackyoumoron have busted into the home of Ambassador Morgan Freeman, who escapes into a panic room with his wife, who is prompty hit on by Jodie Foster. A vigorous beating of the butler, Benson, reveals that the panic room can only be opened from the inside. Jackyoumoron decides to flush them out by farting into the ventilation duct — which, for the first time in Hollywood history, is not large enough for a human to crawl through. He goes into the kitchen and pops a couple of frozen burritos into the microwave. 

Back at the FBI, the Sniper Dude’s lawyers are filing a complain against the shaved orangutan that forced them to undergo Scientology audits. “That’s not a shaved orangutan,” Chief Agent Douche tells them. “That’s Janeane Garofalo. And anyway, she’s busy trying to, you know, save thousands of lives from terrorists.” The lawyer, realizing he’d miss out on a major tort action if the lives are saved, tries to pull her off anyway, but Agent Douche stands his ground.

12:15:12 to 12:23:32

Jackyoumoron unleashes a steady stream of Mexican jet propulsion into the ventilation shaft. “Stop! Stop! We can’t take it!” Morgan Freeman cries out, his eyes watering. He refuses to open the door. Highlander urges Jackyoumoron to pick up the pace. Jackyoumoron refuses, “If I increase my rate of flatus, it will not just kill them, it could destroy the ozone layer and render the Earth uninhabitable.”  Finally, Mrs. Morgan Freeman wusses out and pulls the chicken switch. 

Agent Streetwalker shows up just as the Freeman’s are being hustled into a large yellow vehicle with dog cages in the back … a DC school bus. She is promptly captured by the bad guys, so she curses you Jackyoumoron, calling him, among other things, “Traitor” “Sonofabitch” and “Bundy!” That last one really hurts. “Keep it up and I’ll fake shoot you and bury you alive!” Which is a threat often heard on DC public school buses. Mainly from the driver.

 12:27:52 to 12:46:48

Checking in on sub-plots C, D, and E
- Sarcastic Android and Sigmund the Sea Monster … no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… do computer stuff to try and track down Agent Streetwalker

- Agent Douche is very angry and very concerned about Agent Streetwalker.

- Bald guy who looks like Rudy Giuliani is murdered by Secret Service Agent who looks like Kevin Bacon.

- President Cankles isn’t backing off on the attack despite the fact that Alfred the National Security Advisor is all but waving a flag saying, “I’m taking money from Mugatu! Stop the attack!”

The mole at the FBI says that Streetwalker “don’t know nothing,” so Highlander says, “Waste her.”

12:51:41 to 12:59:59

Highlander directs the DC school bus to an abandoned construction site. It’s remarkable that not a single construction worker is around; it’s either the recession or lunch break. (You know what else is remarkable? Is how much DC and its environs looks in no way like Southern California.)  As promised, he fake shoots Streetwalker and kicks her body into a hole, covering it with some handy plastic wrap that happened to be lying around. (“How CONVENIENT!”) Then, Highlander orders him to bury the corpse, because “It was real cool when they buried that chick alive in the third season of ‘Lost’.”) So, Jack and Zombie Tony reluctantly begin shoveling dirt on her.

Tick-Tock

In case you were busy watching the Golden Globes and don’t want to watch it on Hulu, our own VthK has provided the following recap of hours 1 and 2.  

08:00:00 to 08:16:57

OK, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these things, so my memory may be a little fuzzy. Anyway, as we start on Day 7 of Die Hard II 2… um, I mean, 24… and the very first line is “Put that phone away.” Which is ironic because, IIRC, people spend more time talking on phones in ‘24′ than the night shift at Bangalore Customer Support, Inc.

So, anyway, there’s this guy who played a nerdy scientist on Stargate SG-1, and he’s driving his daughter to school when he gets caught in the middle of an Allstate product placement. Except instead of Dennis Haysbert telling him he’s in good hands, he gets captured by terrorists. The terrorist have this device that enables them to take over everything in the USA. But they recently upgraded to Vista and it’s no longer compatible. They need Stargate Scientist Guy to make it work.

Meanwhile, the main character… the blond guy with the anger management problem … gosh what is his name? I can’t remember but heplayed Ace Merrill in Stand By Me. Anyway, Ace Merrill is getting ragged on by Senator Red Foreman. We also learned CTU has been disbanded. It’s been a while, but I seem to recall CTU was some kind of rhythm and blues band. Anyway, Red Foreman, wants to know why Ace Merill tortured some guy, and Ace says that it was to save a busload of schoolchildren and kittens. “Think of the kittens!” Ace thunders at Red Foreman, then threatens to torture the smug look off his ass-face.

Then, Ace gets pulled out of the meeting by an FBI agent who, like Red Foreman, is a redhead but way more attractive. Ace promises to come back the next morning… i.e. 24 hours later. So, he really has a time limit this time. The redheaded agent is identified as Renee “Street” walker.  Streetwalker isn’t actually that hot, but next to Janeane Garofalo and President Cankles, she looks like Melissa Theriau.

Then I got confused because the scene switched to the FBI and at first I thought the ugly Stargate Scientist guy was talking to a sarcastic android. Then I realized it wasn’t the stargate scientist again, it was Janeane Garofalo. A bunch of other sub-plots were also introduced. President Cankles got her some jungle fever, and wants to invade Africa. Some bald guy who was either the VP or her husband is obsessing over the death of his son. Some douche of an FBI agent was strongly disapproving of Ace’s methods.

08:21:24 to 08:45:00

So, anyway, Streetwalker tells Ace Merrill that domestic terrorists have a device that will allow them to take over all infrastructure and wreak havoc on the government to teach them a lesson for dragging their feet on HDTV implementation. The leader of the terrorists is an old friend of Ace’s. Ace doesn’t believe it. “Tony’s dead. I saw it.” Streetwalker rolls her eyes. “You have to destroy the brain.”

Anyway, so Stargate Scientist Guy tells them to do a ctrl-alt-del and install new drivers, and now the device works fine. So, Zombie Tony is gonna go all Die Hard II on air traffic control, and the scene cuts away to a full 767 getting ready to take-off with some cute androgynous munchkin in the front row.

Meanwhile, President Cankles is watching reports of 200,000 people killed in Africa and regrets ever subscribing to The Genocide Channel. The Joint Chiefs are on-board with the invasion, but the Secretary of State… another bald dude… is wetting his pants submissively. That’s like three annoying bald dudes so far… Red Foreman, the SecState, and SubPlot Guy. Anyway, the FAA — showing far more competence than any other Federal Agency in history — has detected the intrusion into its system and wants to ground flights. But Cankles says not yet, she has to short sell her airline stocks first.

So, anyway, Ace is working with the sarcastic android to see if they can track down Zombie Tony. Then, Streetwalker gets attacked by a mutant rottweiler… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo talking about some chick stuff I guess. I don’t know. Then, Agent Douchebag tells Streetwalker to keep Ace on a short leash. “OK, if he’s into that,” she replies.

Anyway, the Sarcastic Android has helped Ace find one of his and Zombie Tony’s old contacts, named Sphincter, who not only happens to deal in Technology That Let’s You Take Over The World, but has also relocated from LA LA to DC. As the Church Lady would say, “How CONVENIENT!”

8:49:51 to 08:59:59

So, Ace and Streetwalker go to Sphincter’s office. Sphincter refuses to cooperate until Ace grabs a ballpoint pen and threatens to write “I Am Sphincter Boy” on Sphincter’s forehead. But before he can spill his guts, Sphincter gets shot by a sniper in the abdomen and starts spilling his guts, although not in a useful way. And the hour ends with Ace and Streetwalker chasing after the sniper.

09:00:00 to 09:10:52

So, Streetwalker and Bruce Willis — I mean Ace Merrill — are trying to catch the sniper and they got him trapped in a building. Streetwalker calls for back-up. Ace figures there must be a mole at the FBI, and he begins teaching his young padawan how to use the Force… the Force of completely distrusting all of your co-workers. I mean, Emperor Palpatine did have a mole at the Jedi Temple. I wonder if this means we’ll get a scene of Sarcastic Android slaughtering the younglings. I am pretty sure his character fantasizes about that. 

Anyway, then there’s a scene in which a rotting, putrifying moose carcass … no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo … reports to Agent Douchebag that the terrorists are now fully inside the system and there’s nothing the FBI can do to stop them.

Anyway, Zombie Tony has put the plane with the cute youngling on board (and probably a cargo hold full of orphaned kittens) on a collision course with another plane. But at the last minute, he wusses out and deprives the audience of much-needed carnage.

09:16:32 to 09:28:38

So, anyway, Streetwalker makes Ace wait in the car while she and the other agents seal off the building the sniper is hiding in. She cracks the window for him and leaves him a squeaky toy. A Magic Negro appears and absolves Ace Merrill of his sins. Then, Ace asks about Agent Streetwalker. “Oh, yeah, baby, she understands what it takes to get the job done IYKWIMAITTYD.” And just in case Ace doesn’t, the Magic Negro mimes the sound of a porn movie bass guitar.

 So, Zombie Tony passes off the Plot Device and the ugly scientist to a guy who looks like what would happen if a transporter accident merged Pierce Brosnan and John Kerry into one squinty, French-looking being with Rod Blagojevich hair. He turns out to be working with the Genocidal dictator of that African country President Cankles is all hot to invade. I’m almost sure the transporter accident guy played a system lord on SG-1. (For that matter, I also think President Cankles played the president on Space: Above and Beyond … but looking that up would also mean admitting I watched Space: Above and Beyond.) OK, checked his website, no SG-1 reference, but he did play an immortal on Highlander. Anyway, President Cankles meets with the other African guy who is the opposition leader against the genocidal dictator, but for some reason talks like Father Guido Sarducci. Why couldn’t they just have hired Mr. Eko from Lost? 

So, anyway, another annoying bald guy (This makes Number 4) shows up and helps the sniper escape from the building the FBI has “sealed off.” There’s also this other FBI guy who has a buzzcut and is always advising the president of this or that, but I only mention him to bookmark him as a Mole candidate.

 09:31:22 to 09:42:40

 So, Ace gets out of the car to “get some air.” And just as he does, the Sniper in the borrowed FBI vest walks by. (“How CONVENIENT!”) Ace notices his shoes are not standard FBI issue, but instead appear to be Stride-Rite pumps. He alerts Streetwalker and convinces her to leave the building and discreetly follow the assassin, but not to tell the FBI because “they’ll just screw things up.”

The FBI lead, agent Douchebag, finds out they’ve left the scene, and asks the turd-creature from “Weird Science” — no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo again — to figure out a way to track Agent Streetwalker and Ace.

 And then, in that other subplot, Annoying Bald Guy Number 2 roughs up some fairly-hot chick who kind of looks like Gretchen from ‘Prison Break’ after six months of Slim Fast, and she just got $400,000 wired into an off-shore account, but still works in telemarketing. He was gonna go all Ike Turner on her, but his driver intervened. I’m sure they’ll be back, but the show’s already about two subplots past my attention span.

 09:48:38 to 09:59:59

 So, Ace and Streetwalker follow the Sniper to the docks (which Streetwalker has worked many a time). Streetwalker gives Ace a gun. They beat the crap out of the sniper then shoot out a surveillance camera. As they walk up to the boat they think Zombie Tony is in, the sniper gets shot (ironically) by the crew of Tony’s board (Isaac, Doc, and Gopher.) So, Ace and Streetwalker shoot-up the boat. Streetwalker finds a laptop, but it’s deleting all the files on its hard drive.

Gawdam Vista. 

And Ace is trying to find Zombie Tony, but ZT pulls the old “Hide behind the pilot house door” trick and hits Ace in the face. Then, they beat the crap out of each other for the remaining few minutes of the program until Agent Douchebag shows up in a helicopter.

Tick-Tock

Check it out, the promo shot of the Season 7 cast and Jack Bauer. I guess Zombie Tony is in the background, climbing out of his grave at Arlington National Cemetery. Brains. Wait, is that Tony to the …ehh left no right of Jack?

Let me go on record as saying this is the worst Photoshopped picture to hit the intertubes since the kid on top of the World Trade Center with the airplane behind him.

UPDATE, from AmyV: I see I was beaten to the punch on this, but I can still provide some detail. Here’s the rest of the cast from the photo, from left to right:

• Rhys Coiro, as FBI agent Sean Hillinger

• Janeane Garofalo, as FBI agent Janis Gold.

• Jeffrey Nordling, as FBI agent Larry Moss

• Annie Wersching, as FBI agent Renee Walker

• Carlos Bernard, as Tony Almeida, newly returned from the dead and really pissed off about it.

• James Morrison, as Bill Buchanan (with a beard!)

• Mary Lynn Rajskub, as Chloe O’Brian, hair darker than ever

• Colm Feore, as first gent Henry Taylor

• Cherry Jones, as President Allison Taylor

• Bob Gunton, as SecDef Ethan Kanin

Counterpoint: Zombies of the world, unite!
by The Late Nelson Muntz

This nation is divided. And it is not the usual dead/undead division that is plaguing America. Instead, two zombie factions are at odds over zombie President Palmer’s pacifist policies.

Does anyone realize how long we have struggled to put a zombie President in the White House? Sure, Gerald Ford was a start, but since he was not clinically dead when he was elected, we could hardly call that a victory! Zombie Wayne Palmer represents you. He represents me. He represents our zombie agenda, and I say we support him!

(Hold on a moment, I can’t seem to find my left foot. Where the hell did I leave the corpse of Daniel Day-Lewis?)

Sorry. Zombie issues here. Where was I? Oh yes, our zombie President has our best interests at his undead heart. His recent bout with pacifism is merely placating his undead hippie base. Now that he has satisfied them, Dennis Hopper will leave him alone.

HA, HA!

Point: This zombie president does not represent me!
by: Harris Johnson (1923-1967)

As a proud member of the walking undead, also known as “zombies”, I’m outraged at the portrayal of one of our own on the show 24. The show has a zombie president that is trying to stop a war and promote peace and understanding and all that hippie crap. This zombie president does not represent me or anyone like me!

The Fox-TV show “24″ is giving a new twist to its old standby: anti-zombie themes. This time around, a dark-complexioned zombie is the villain. Not stopping there, Fox has the zombie president as the worst kind of villain, a peaceful villain! Do they think the viewers are that stupid?

I tell you what, there’s not going to be a demand for zombie President Palmer t-shirts.

Now in its sixth season, “24″ has super agent Jack Bauer yet again bringing down Arab-American and Muslim-American bad guys while the lone zombie is responsible for holding back and cowering to these terrorists.

Jack Bauer has come out and stated that “I think the zombie community within the United States is an incredibly vital, important aspect of this culture — and to talk about any one group because of the actions of one zombie and lump them as a larger group of zombies is a very dangerous, dangerous situation.” It is really hard to watch Jack try to hide behind Fox’s blatant slap in the rotting faces of zombies everywhere. We have worked long and hard to gain a reputation as flesh eating monsters! Now Fox wants to put a positive spin on zombies? I hope the viewers are not duped into thinking that zombies are anything but walking corpses looking to feed on some fresh brains and a little flesh of the living.

In reality, why would zombies want to prevent nuclear war? The use of nukes would create many more zombies and also provide plenty of fresh food, radiated to kill off any diseases the host may carry. Personally, I was looking forward to a little halal dining until that bastard zombie Palmer put an end to it.

The blatant stereotyping of zombies on 24 has to end! Until zombie President Palmer starts munching on some frontal lobes, we will be holding rallies outside of Fox Headquarters. Come join us, it’s BYOB. Ha Ha…. I kill you.

Harris Johnson is the president of Z.A.P. (Zombie Awareness Partnership)

President Palmer is obviously a zombie, eating brains and running the country. What does every zombie president really need? Besides a fresh supply of brains?

A good slogan. Something you can put on a bumper sticker that says to the world, my president eats brains and you know what, I still support him or her.

Got any slogans that might work for a brain-eating politician?

“Tippecanoe and BRAINS too”
“No brain left behind”
“A fresh brain is a terrible thing to waste”