Blogs.4Bauer

Hey kids, what time is it? Well, if you said “Time for ogling hot Olympic broads,” you are sadly incorrect. Instead, it is time for this week’s Tivo Blogging. I am Mr. Rourke Wyatt Earp, your host, and welcome to Blogs4Bauer!

11:00pm – 11:11pm – Disregard that ogling part. Apparently, the White Trash Twins are at the nudie bar. “Where the beer gives you gas and the Bundys kick ass!” Looks like the boys celebrate their big score by seeing pink parts. Good for them! It is not, however, good for Dana Walsh, who is slowly overtaking Kim Bauer as the dumbest character in 24 history. She calls Kevin for an update, and gets nothing but the usual bullsh*t from him. Like Heptitis C, Kevin is here to stay, and there’s no salve in the world that will get rid of him. What’s worse is that the GEICO caveman is blackmailing Starbuck, too. Swell. This chick is dumber than dirt, and not nearly attractive. At least Kim is good to look at. What’s Starbuck’s excuse?

Arlo catches Starbuck talking to Kevin and tries to bring her back to Earth. You know, the place where Jack was kidnapped? Chico, Jr. admits what we all know – he is no Tony Almieda, and at this point, he couldn’t catch the clap in a whorehouse. Hastings is getting on Starbuck’s arse about skipping out on work, and for some insane reason, Chloe covers for her . . . right before she pours Starbuck a tall, cool glass of STFU. That’s my girl!

The Russkies bring Jack into Das Boot and ‘splain that Vlad the Impaler was, um, impaled. This interrupts Das Boot, who is busy slicing carrots. Lord knows that most people would be dicing veggies an hour after murdering their own son, right?

SIDEBAR: Why does everyone in Hollywood shake their head when a hood is taken off them? Is Jack worried about his coif? Just a stupid thing to do in my opinion.

Jack presents his story to Das Boot and gets a punch in the mush for his trouble. Like Mongo from Blazing Saddles, you don’t want to punch him. It will only make him mad. Das Boot orders Jack’s torture, then consoles Son #1, who just buried his brother. The family that slays together stays together.

Ooh, shirtless Jack beefcake for the ladies. I imagine AmyV’s mouth was watering. The Jack Sack’s, too. Heh, that’s for the Wyatt Poll on Monday night.

11:15pm – 11:25pm – Hastings is trying to worm his way out of trouble with President Cankles. The broad is actually buying it. Remember that when Hillary tries to run for POTUS. Meanwhile, Das Boot is grilling Farhad about Jack. I kind of like this, because Das Boot is pulling a Vader on Farhad: “I have now altered the bargain. Pray I do not alter it further.” Son #1 puts an exclamation point on the chat with a gun to Farhad’s melon. Well played, sir. Farhad is dismissed with a flourish, and we’re back at CTU.

Chico, Jr. and RedHot arrive at CTU, where RedHot is suddenly concerned for Jack’s well-being. Where was this concern when she plunged the cheese knife into Jack’s torso? Any hoo, RedHot is about to debriefed by Chloe. (Wow, that’s hot.) Chico, Jr. meets privately with Starbuck, and we find out that Chico has an on-again, off-again Noo Yawk accent. It’s worse than Fran Drescher’s. Natch, some CTU toad – probably a former red shirt – pulls Chico away and Starbuck gets off easy. Like Clint Eastwood said in Heartbreak Ridge, “Dana, you’re beginning to bore the Hell out of me.”

SHOCKING! Jack gets some voltage, thanks to Dmitry. He then plays dead, and when Dmitry comes back, Jack . . . kills him with his foot? What is he, Daniel Day-Lewis??? Jack then climbs the pole like one of the White Trash Twins’ strippers and begins to free himself by kicking out the pipe. Really.

Kill Counter Update: Jack has a kill. And . . . mark. (So far, no Dammits, though).

11:30pm – 11:37pm – President Wayne Newton gets a visitor – his smoking hot daughter. Smoking hot or not, she is playing the bitch card, especially when it comes to the arrest of her beau – Security Guard #1. She tells him off their undying love, and he dismisses her like so much white trash. Nice try, Kayla.

Meanwhile, Jack frees himself to find that Dmitry is not dead. Luckily, Jack makes quick work of him and we do not have to readjust the Kill Counter. After snapping Dmitry like a twig, Jack makes a bee-line for a cellphone . . . which is dead. Riiiggghhht! In previous seasons, Jack used the same cellphone for 24 hours without a recharge, but the Russian’s phone is kaput? Okay.

Jack turns off the lights and skulks around sans shoes like John McClane. A Russian stooge comes to the circuit breaker and Jack stabs him in the chest. Ooh, that’s gonna leave a mark. Dead Russkie has a good cellphone, calls Chloe, and tells her to trace the call – a difficult task at best. Trust me, it’s job-proven. Jack continues to search the location and sees a Russkie through a window. One double-tap later, he’s gone. A gunfight ensues, and Jack picks up Ah-nuld’s favorite – Uzi nine mil-uh-met-uh – and takes out another Soviet. Das Boot comes at Jack with a shotgun – scary weapon, if you ask me – and fires off some rounds before inexplicably looking under a table. Jack turns the tables – heh – on Das Boot, knocking him out, before Jack collapses. Must have been the knife wound, the high voltage, and the buckshot.

Kill Counter Update: Four kills for Jack. Bring the pain!

11:41pm – 11:50pm – CTU sends a team for Jack, NYPD has the restaurant locked down, and Dana has left the buildinggg! Good Lord, if I left my division as often as she did, I would have been fired years ago. Das Boot is in cuffs, RedHot is going to the rubber room – heh, heh, “rubber” – and Jack wants some alone time with Das Boot. Not a good idea . . . for Das Boot. Das Boot is listening to Jack’s plea deal, starts crying like a bitch, and says he will talk for full immunity. It’s always the full immunity, ain’t it? Jack goes conference call with President Cankles and Hastings, and tells them that he wants immunity. Cankles agrees.

Meanwhile, back at the lunatic asylum (aka CTU) Arlo has a meet-and-greet with Chico, Jr. Arlo rats out Dana to Chico, Jr. and has sweet surveillance pics. Not exactly the type of things that needed to be shown during a national emergency, but what do I know? Let’s just have everyone at CTU distracted. Speaking of distracted, Dana is at the nudie bar with Kevin. Any chance she’ll take her top off? Just askin’.

Chico, Jr. enters the elevator and holds it for a CTU SWAT Agent. The guy looks to be about 15 years old and dumber than Keith Olbermann. I can almost guarantee this Pimply-Faced Teen dies. Ya heard it here first . . . unless they covered it during the Liveblog.

11:54pm – 12:00am – Smoking Hot Kayla wants to see her Security Guard #1 for a conjugal visit. She is denied quickly than I was in high school. Dang. CTU SWAT is enroute to the nuclear rods with the Pimply-Faced Teen. We see this guy again? Oh, he’s as dead as Julius Caesar! Chopper lands, SWAT deploys, opens a tractor trailer and finds two dead henchmen. For some insane reason, Chico, Jr. lets one freakin’ agent clear the trailer. One guy? Tactically inept, kids. Chico Jr. comes into the trailer when it’s cleared – pretty brave, jerkass – and finds that the rods are missing. (That’s what she said.) The only thing left behind is Oleg’s cross. Looks like Son #1 (Joseph) gave the screwgee to Das Boot and took the nukes for himself. Nice!

Dana is outside the nudie bar, and suddenly pretending she’s an agent – is trailing the White Trash Twins. Oh, she is also caressing a gun. That should go smoothly. Jack gets the call and finds out that the nukes are missing. Das Boot is incredulous and realizes that Son #1 took his booty. Joseph calls Farhad and wants to make a new deal. My man!

Kill Counter Update: The final tally was four Jack kills for a total of four points. Since we forgot to post the KC this week, I guess no one wins. Sorry about that. I blame my co-bloggers.

Tune in next week when we see Jack get angry, terrorists get nukes, Hastings get even dumber, and Jack get angry again. Good times! Until then, I’m out!

Tags: Tivo

Wednesday, February 17th, 2010 by Wyatt Earp • TiVo Blogging Both comments and pings are currently closed.