24 Point/Counterpoint
Point: You broke my mother f-ing nose, bro.
by Jack McCollough
You probably don’t know me, but my name is Jack McCollough – the famous women’s wear designer. Laugh all you want, however you’ll never wear my clothes because they are not sold at Lane Bryant or Dress Barn. Why are you still laughing?
Well screw you and screw Jack Bauer. Yes, screw you Jack Bauer. Thanks for breaking my beautiful nose! While I’m at it, thanks for ruining a nice pair of $1,500 Berluti shoes. Those aren’t New Balance sneakers Mr. Bauer.
Look, I was just having a good time, talking to Ashley Olsen and Brooke Shields, when out of nowhere – Jack Bauer spins me around and the rest is tabloid history. So here is how the conversation went down:
Me: Hello Brooke Shields
Brooke Shields: OMG it’s Jack McCollough – world famous women’s wear designer!
Me: Oh stop it, I’m not famous in Burkina Faso…(wait for it)…yet
(large amounts of laughter)
Jack Bauer then stumbles over and mumbles something about protocols.
Me: Well hello Mr. Bauer
Jack Bauer: Tell me what you know DAMMIT!
Me: The question should be what do I “not” know?
Jack Bauer: You breeched the perimeter, DIDN’T YOU!
Me: What perimeter? What the hell are you talking about?
Jack Bauer: WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
Me: Running out of time? For what? Is there a Michael Kors sample sale going on?
That’s when Jack Bauer headbutted me and then said I looked like Tobey McGuire. Really Jack? Really? Tobey doesn’t have a broken nose and blood dripping on his leather slippers. Tell me, how do you get blood of really expensive leather shoes?
Please tell me Jack Bauer, the shoes are not mine. The owner wants them back and I’m running out of time!
Tags: Kiefer Sutherland
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