TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 9:00 PM and 10:00 PM
9:00:00 to 9:11:28
Jack is on the run, pursued by the Jailer Man and Sailor Sam. They’re searching everyone. But Jack manages to hotwire a car with a laptop in it and drives evasively while flipping through security cam photos and txting his buddies. He finds the photo of his assailant and emails it to Zombie Streetwalker, asking her to identify it.
Zombie Streetwalker: “It’s Ron Jeremy.”
Jack: “Oops, wrong photo.”
She finds a picture of the assailant in a Back Issue of Guns-n-Jugs magazine offering his services as a mercenary and pool boy. He is currently employed by the Very Big Corporation of America, which is under investigation by Senator Red Foreman. Jack decides to drop by and visit the senator, he’s pretty sure there’s a pair of jumper cables in the trunk of the car.
Meanwhile, Agent Doosh is walking through the FBI offices having anyone who contributed to the sucessful thwarting of the days terror attacks arrested for violating FBI protocols. One person he doesn’t arrest is Grimmis… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo … whom he instructs to track down where Jack is going next, because even though Jack has risked himself to save thousands of lives, including the president’s, Doosh is convinced that Jack is worse than Hannibal Lecter.
Meanwhile, The Man, the CEO of the Very Big Corporation of America, who is secretly behind the terror attacks, explains to an underling that he finds the mass casualties he is about to inflict on innocent Americans highly regrettable, but explains that they are necessary because, “I’m just really, really bored.”
9:15:05 to 9:24:56
Stupid Spoiled Whore helps her mother, President Cankles, write a speech about the days events. “Don’t forget to gloat,” she advises. “Look your adversaries straight in the eyes and say, ‘I won.’” Alfred the Butler comes in and tells them that Evil Doogie Howser is dead and Jack is the prime suspect. Stupid Spoiled Whore once again vows to destroy him.
Meanwhile, Jack shows up at Senator Red Foreman’s house.
Senator Red Foreman: “Are you here to torture me?”
Jack: “I want to look at your files on the Very Big Corporation of America.”
SRF: “No, you’re here to torture me.” (Removes his shirt.) “You’re here to put jumper cables on my nipples and pour hot candlewax on butt-hole. Well, do your worst. I can take it.”
Jack: “I really just want to see the files.”
SRF: “Oh, yeah, I bet.” (Begins shackling himself.) “Well, you’ll have to whip me… hard… like a lazy horse! You’ll have to smear me with baby oil and bengay and pour iodine into my open wounds.”
Jack: “No, I just need to see your files.”
SRF: (Slaps his own ass) “Oh, hell yeah!”
9:29:22 to 9:36:33
While President Cankles gives her speech, Alfred the Butler is pulled aside by CNB reporter Jimmy Olson, who says, “Hey, I heard you were taking a leak on Jack Bauer. No, wait, that’s not right. I heard a leak that you were looking to arrest Jack Bauer for the murder of Evil Doogie Howser.” Alfred blames Stupid Spoiled Whore for the leak.
Meanwhile, Grimmis reports that she can’t decrypt the file. It’s far beyond the capabilities of the FBI. Mr. Potato Face cracks it in about nine seconds (after Doosh promises to release Potato Face if he cooperates.) They figure out Jack is at Senator Red Foreman’s house and assemble a massive SWAT team.
Meanwhile, back at Senator Red Foreman’s house, Jack has figured out the Very Big Corporation of America is going to import bio-weapons it developed in East Genocidia with the help of the evil dictator Mugatu. Just as Senator Red Foreman climbs down off the rack and agrees to help him, there’s a knock at the door.
SRF: “Who is it?”
Voice Outside: “Land Shark!”
Senator Red Foreman grumbles, “Effin’ Al Franken never gets tired of that joke.” He opens the door and is promptly blown away by the Mighty Quinn. Jack escapes by busting through a French door at the back.
9:53:02 to 9:59:59
The Mighty Quinn pursues Jack to a construction yard. He shoots up the inside of a trailer office, then Jack tries to kill him with a bulldozer. Star Trek music begins playing as they engage in hand-to-hand combat. Quinn taunts Jack by constantly calling him “Jimmy Boy.” Finally, Jack stabs him with a screwdriver and takes his cell phone. The WMD’s are arriving that very hour in Alexandria. Jack calls Zombie Tony and steals a car.
Meanwhile, Doosh arrives at Senator Red Foreman’s residence, sees the carnage, and issues a shoot-to-kill order on Jack.
Tick-Tock
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President Muslim surname is reported to have called Ron Temple Emanuel to find out what party Red Forman belonged to. He wants a 99-1 majority in the Senate.
Morris “Nive Lives is 9 too Many for Him” may have leaped over Kim Bauer as the stupidest person in the history of “24″.
Thank God President Cankles didn’t come out and do her “global worming” PSA again…I swear, that’s the kind of bullspit that really ruins a good, extreme right-wing buzz. As far as Sen. Red Foreman is concerned, I was somewhat disappointed that he didn’t use the “dumbass” phrase at least once before he bought it. And what is up with Jack buying into that shit? Is this the lefty writers’ way of trying to make him see the way of his “errors”?
Let Jack loose to do what he does best: torture traitors, kill enemies, and save the day…without the interference from liberal FBI agents.
Doosh needs to get shot, or killed, or beat the eff up by Jack or Renee (maybe both)! Where’s the chain of command to quash this moron?
And Joel and the ‘bots sing “He tried to kill me with a forklift!”
You said “Land Shark.” That’s hilarious.