TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 8:00 PM and 9:00 PM
8:00:00 to 8:11:52
With Jomomma holding the entire White House staff and President Cankles hostage, Agent Doosh wants to send in strike teams in a two-pronged attack, but the Vice President won’t give the authorization. “But what if Jomomma kills the president?” he asks. “That would be a national tragedy,” says the vice president as he flips through a catalog to pick out new drapes for the Oval Office.
Meanwhile, even as a hostage, Jack has a plan. He’s going to ignite one of his farts to take out the terrorists. Chiggy thinks his plan is crazy. He also tells Jack that Jomomma is coordinating with someone on the outside, someone known as ‘The Man.’ Senator Red Foreman declares that Jack rescues him, he’ll make sure Jack spends the rest of his life in solitary confinement at Leavenworth.
Jomomma executes one of the hostages to convince President Cankles to read his manifesto. The VP demands that the secret service turn off the internet so no one will see it. When they explain the internet can’t be turned off, the VP demands to know “Why not? Isn’t it just a series of tubes?” Just as President Cankles finishes the part about “Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president. Thomas Jefferson, the third president, and 16 and three make 19 again…” Chiggy detonates one of Jack’s farts, setting off a massive explosion. Much shooting and chaos ensues as the FBI and the ATF invade… an apartment on the other side of town because they got the wrong address.
When the smoke clears, the president and most of the hostages are safe. Jack has killed Jomomma. Jack then realizes that Chiggy is dead and comes perilously close to showing an emotion.
8:16:13 to 8:23:57
Jack tells Agent Doosh that Jomomma was working with someone on the outside and he wants to find out who it is before more people are killed, so Doosh has him arrested. Zombie Streetwalker points out that Jack has been right about everything so far and they should listen to him. But Doosh points out you don’t advance in a Federal Bureaucracy by being right all the time.
8:28:25 to 8:36:05
After talking to Zombie Streetwalker, Alfred the Butler orders Doosh to free Jack so Jack can pump Doogie Howser for information. Doosh agrees, but only if Jack promises not to slit Doogie’s throat open. Doosh is also mad at Zombie Streetwalker for going behind his back, over his head, and up in his shizzle. So, he fires her. Competence at the FBI will not be tolerated. It’s like the good old Janet Reno days.
Jack tells Doosh to leave Zombie Streetwalker out of this, but Doosh is alarmed at the way Jack has turned Zombie Streetwalker into one of those women who follows Dr. Who around. Worse, Jack lacks The Doctor’s elan, pinache, joie de vivre, and various other pretentious french phrases.
8:40:32 to 8:49:32
The Man chooses several targets for his terror attacks, which are scheduled to take place at the beginning of, or end of, some forthcoming hour, because that will make them more dramatic. Fortunately, most of the cities he has selected seem to be imaginary, like Rutland MD and Barrington VA. So, that should limit casualties. He’s also sent a special agent, Wulfgar, to finish off Doogie and Jack. Just to warm up, Wulfgar kills an old man in his pajamas… how he got in his pajamas, I’ll never know.
Alfred offers Stupid Spoiled Whore a job at the White House, and she thanks him by swearing to destroy him. That’s kind of tonight’s theme. Somebody tries to help out someone by rescuing them, warning them of additional terror attacks, or offering them a job and instead of thanking them, the person just wants to screw with them some more.
8:53:54 to 8:59:59
Just as Jack is about to go to work on Doogie, Wulfgar drops a nerve gas canister into the room that leaves Jack paralyzed and drooling like a senior senator from West Virginia. He watches as Wulfgar slashes Doogie’s throat open with a shard of glass, which he leaves in Jack’s hand to frame him. Jack recovers from the nerve gas and pursues Wulfgar, just ahead of Agent Doosh. Outside the hospital, he calls and tells Doosh he was framed, he didn’t kill Doogie. But Doosh remembers the vampire attack on the terrorist in Season 6 and is convinced Jack feasted on Doogie and derived sustenance from him. “Turn yourself in and we’ll talk,” Doosh says, which is FBI-speak for “Surrender and shut up.” Jack knows this, so he dipsets.
Tick-Tock
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Last week, I was quite dismayed to see the White House defended by a bunch of girly men with pop guns. Those big hunky bad guys had automatic weapons. This is clearly a play on race as well as a comment onwho has better MALE equipment. Imagine my relief at seeing the FBI and ATF with manly weapons this week, taking out the bad guys. I haven’t seen such a strong use of metaphor since the black and white carapaces on the soldiers in Star Wars. (ummm, darned if I can tell which retread of the original Star Wars I’m referring to.)
I LOVE these TivoBlogs. I can hardly wait for them to com eout each week, and I’m a patient man.
So … am I being impatient wondering where is this week’s take? As long as I know it’s coming, I’ll continue to wait with anticipation.
Keep up the hilarity and the entertaining summaries.