TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 11:00 PM and 12:00 AM
11:00:00 to 11:13:25
OK, so like, one minute after Jack calls the CDC, Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo are already on-site wearing Level 8 bio-contamination gear… the same level Michael Moore’s maid uses when she scrubs the toilet after MM makes a run to the border. Rene Russo orders Jack to strip. Dustin Hoffman takes out a geetar and plays wakka-chikka music. Then, they scrub him down like Linda Blair in Chained Heat.
Back at the FBI, Doosh is consulting with Hedorah, the Smog Monster… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… about tracking the bio-weapons the Starbucks Corporation has smuggled into the USA and plan to distribute through their 500,000 outlets. The Starbucks Corporation… like all members of the Fortune 500… has its headquarters on a heaily fortified military base. The weapons could be anywhere on it.
Meanwhile, back at Starbucks Headquarters, Zombie Tony is getting worked over ‘Passion of the Christ’ style. The Man thinks Tony needs to be worked over psychologically because he’s too strong to break. His Number Two man, Number Two, thinks The Man should cut his losses and destroy the evidence… but The Man… like all white corporate CEO’s… is far too insane for that. He wants the weapons prepped and ready in two hours.
11:17:55 to 11:26:22
President Cankles meets with the Joint Chiefs to devise a strategy for getting the weapons back or destroying them. The Attorney General poo-poos all their suggestions, and suggest they serve The Man and The Starbucks Corporation with the harshest possible subpeona! Meanwhile, Stupid Spoiled Whore is rubbing her abandonment issues and Electra complex all over Special Agent Red Foreman.
Just as Zombie Tony is about to die, Number Two kills the man who was going to kill him. And announces he’s switched sides, because he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life being cornholed like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. He’ll tell the FBI where the weapons are in exchange for immunity, if Tony can help him get to a secure phone.
11:30:38 to 11:35:44
Doosh informs Zombie Streetwalker that Jack has been infected with the bio-weapon… which is a fast-acting form of Mad Cow disease. They intend to isolate him in a stall and give him lets of water and hay.
Zombie Tony asks Number Two what the deal is with The Man wanting to commit mass murder and whatall. “It’s complicated,” Number Two says. “Like the complex emotional relationship between Jake and Ennis in Brokeback Mountain.”
11:40:54 to 11:46:35
To educate herself on the topic, President Cankles is watching a Bioweapons Special on the History Channel, which explains how bio-weapons may help ease Global Warming. She is informed that Number Two will give them the weapons location in return for immunity. She agrees, of course, because nothing could possibly go wrong. They plan to raid the base. Jack wants to help. Doosh tells him to stay in his stall because he’s too sick.
Jack: “But what if you need to torture somebody?”
Doosh: “Um… we’ll bring along some of Bill Maher’s taped monologues.”
Jack: Moo
11:51:03 to 11:59:59
The Man is in his weapons lab giving gried to Haji (from Johnny Quest) as he hears the sound of military helicopters approaching. He looks unperturbed. He he has reason to be unperturbed. The joint FBI-military task force ends up raiding an empty warehouse. It was a set-up all along, because it turns out, Number Two doesn’t mind spending the rest of his life being cornholed like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption.
Meanwhile, Starbucks’s corporate army rolls up in humvees. Jack is screaming at the monitors for Doosh to pull his men out, but Doosh is just standing there with his usual “Deer in the headlights of an oncoming semi” expression as some Matthew McConaughey in “Reign of Fire” type corporate military dude points a shot-gun at ‘em and says, “Gitcher revenooers off muh property.”
Tick-Tock
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Jack with Mad Cow, that’s funny.
Didn’t you love how the bad guys were all wearing safety glasses, as if they were doing a high school chemistry lesson instead of preparing bio-WOMD!?
Moo.
After going through a week of withdrawal from having no TIVO blogging of last week’s episode I am happy to see a timely posting for this week.
I am guessing that whatever Jack has is not lethal and that this is just Psycho-Voight’s way of showing what could happen if Treasury does not give Starbucks 45% of the bailout money and exempt them from the wage controls suggested in D.C. yesterday.
What kind of namby-pamby bio-weapon is ‘not contagious?’ ‘m starting to think the boys in East Genocidia sold them some Aussie hair care products and laughed all the way to the internet cafe. It definitely contains aloe and vitamin E though, as it apparently removed all the scars the Chinese left on Jack’s back, — and gave his hair a certain lustrous je-ne-sais-quoi.
jack will survive it by getting the antidote from Voigt in the final episode. He’ll have cornered the guy and he’ll buy his freedom from Jack with the serum. As Jack is injecting himself, Doosh runs in and shoots Voigt.
Special Agent Red Foreman? Slightly confused since Senator Red Foreman’s dead, so misprint? Oh, and didn’t everyone absolutely love the fact that when they stormed “Starbucks” no one had on masks even though there were there to recover a bioweapon thats dispersed in a gaseous form.
Another ending:
Geithner and Obama bail out Starbucks and fire Voigt. This way those 1000 mercenaries keep their jobs. We can protect them further by imposing a tariff on any imported terrorists. Then the government can put the toxic chemicals into those new green light bulbs. And those cool buildings can be turned into affordable housing.