05:00:00 to 05:12:15

Black Bette Davis is delivered into the merciless hands of the terrorist, Colonel Lionel Jefferson. Knowing that she is being tracked with her cell phone, Lionel rips it from her hands and smashes it to the ground.

Black Bette Davis: “Hey, I still had rollover minutes on that!”

Black Bette Davis agrees to go back to East Genocidia with him, but changes her mind en route and pulls a Princess Stephanie on him. His vehicle flips and rolls. Onlookers swarm, thinking Patrick Kennedy is back in town. Jack and Zombie Streetwalker show up, having escaped the clutches of the DC Police. Jack pulls out Lionel Jefferson, but Streetwalker can’t get Black Bette Davis unwedged. She pulls her gun and order Jack to help her, which Jack does. They pull Black Bette Davis to safety just as the car, which was apparently packed with cases of thermal jelly and nitroglycerine, explodes.

Unfortunately, Black Bette Davis is dead, and unlike the other people who’ve been killed this season, they don’t bring her back to life. But at least she’s out of the way so Jack can work on Lionel Jefferson.

05:16:42 to 05:25:16

As Lionel Jefferson is dying, Jack cuts him open and removes his Borg corticle implant. He orders it flown immediately to FBI headquarters to Agent Doosh and Potato Face can decrypt it. Sarcastic Android was listening in, of course, and his Bimbo come up with the perfect plan to prevent Potato Face from decrypting the list of traitors; they are going to simultaneously “upgrade” all the computers at FBI to Vista.

05:29:42 to 05:36:59

Potato Face reveals that names of the traitors on the corticle implant can only be downloaded once, they’re protected by iTunes. Just as she begins the decryption, the Blonde Bimbo succeeds in crashing the network. Sarcastic Android is so happy he shoots her right in the gut. Then, he shoots himself and blames it on her. It’s like they’re already married. Potato Face laments that all the data is gone, just like in that Season 5 thing with the magnets.

05:40:47 to 5:46:43

Ha! Fooled you! Potato Face had already backed up the data to a secure mirror thingy, so the list is fine. Sarcastic Android tries to bail, but FBI security nails his sorry ass and arrest him for treason. He immediately demands an attorney and 3/4th of the ACLU volunteers.

Back at the hospital, Black Joan Crawford rolls up and is unhappy that her sister is all dead and stuff. This, for some reason, makes Zombie Sreetwalker start slapping Jack in the face. “Do you feel that?” Jack’s lack of expression suggests that he can not. Either he’s emotionally dead or the botox was especially potent this week. This would appear to be the end of their blossoming, torture-based relationship. Jack gives her a warning:

Jack: “If you ever pull your weapon on me again, you better intend to use it.”
Streetwalker; “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”

05:52:16 to 05:59:59

Spoiled McDaughterbrat Cankles arrives at the White House and yells at President Cankles. Then, Chiggy makes a Green-Acres- Oliver-Wendell-Douglas speech about Jack’s terrorism and corn shoosting up into the sky, and President Cankles agrees to see if she can get Senator The Real Red Foreman to cut him some slack.

Jack meanwhile is watching the sunset as Zombie Tony returns and announces that there is an imminent terrorist attack about to take place. He doesn’t know the target, and the suspense lasts all the way until the scenes for next week, when it’s revealed that Mugatu’s terrorists will invade the White House, which is exactly where the Real Red Foreman and his aide, Evil Doogie Houser, are headed.

Tick-Tock