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Email from the Management: The name of the main character isn’t Ace, it’s Jack, you moron.

12:00:00 to 12:10:46

So, Zombie Tony, Highlander, and Jackyoumoron have busted into the home of Ambassador Morgan Freeman, who escapes into a panic room with his wife, who is prompty hit on by Jodie Foster. A vigorous beating of the butler, Benson, reveals that the panic room can only be opened from the inside. Jackyoumoron decides to flush them out by farting into the ventilation duct — which, for the first time in Hollywood history, is not large enough for a human to crawl through. He goes into the kitchen and pops a couple of frozen burritos into the microwave. 

Back at the FBI, the Sniper Dude’s lawyers are filing a complain against the shaved orangutan that forced them to undergo Scientology audits. “That’s not a shaved orangutan,” Chief Agent Douche tells them. “That’s Janeane Garofalo. And anyway, she’s busy trying to, you know, save thousands of lives from terrorists.” The lawyer, realizing he’d miss out on a major tort action if the lives are saved, tries to pull her off anyway, but Agent Douche stands his ground.

12:15:12 to 12:23:32

Jackyoumoron unleashes a steady stream of Mexican jet propulsion into the ventilation shaft. “Stop! Stop! We can’t take it!” Morgan Freeman cries out, his eyes watering. He refuses to open the door. Highlander urges Jackyoumoron to pick up the pace. Jackyoumoron refuses, “If I increase my rate of flatus, it will not just kill them, it could destroy the ozone layer and render the Earth uninhabitable.”  Finally, Mrs. Morgan Freeman wusses out and pulls the chicken switch. 

Agent Streetwalker shows up just as the Freeman’s are being hustled into a large yellow vehicle with dog cages in the back … a DC school bus. She is promptly captured by the bad guys, so she curses you Jackyoumoron, calling him, among other things, “Traitor” “Sonofabitch” and “Bundy!” That last one really hurts. “Keep it up and I’ll fake shoot you and bury you alive!” Which is a threat often heard on DC public school buses. Mainly from the driver.

 12:27:52 to 12:46:48

Checking in on sub-plots C, D, and E
- Sarcastic Android and Sigmund the Sea Monster … no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo… do computer stuff to try and track down Agent Streetwalker

- Agent Douche is very angry and very concerned about Agent Streetwalker.

- Bald guy who looks like Rudy Giuliani is murdered by Secret Service Agent who looks like Kevin Bacon.

- President Cankles isn’t backing off on the attack despite the fact that Alfred the National Security Advisor is all but waving a flag saying, “I’m taking money from Mugatu! Stop the attack!”

The mole at the FBI says that Streetwalker “don’t know nothing,” so Highlander says, “Waste her.”

12:51:41 to 12:59:59

Highlander directs the DC school bus to an abandoned construction site. It’s remarkable that not a single construction worker is around; it’s either the recession or lunch break. (You know what else is remarkable? Is how much DC and its environs looks in no way like Southern California.)  As promised, he fake shoots Streetwalker and kicks her body into a hole, covering it with some handy plastic wrap that happened to be lying around. (“How CONVENIENT!”) Then, Highlander orders him to bury the corpse, because “It was real cool when they buried that chick alive in the third season of ‘Lost’.”) So, Jack and Zombie Tony reluctantly begin shoveling dirt on her.

Tick-Tock

Tags: Tivo, zombies

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009 by V the K • TiVo Blogging Both comments and pings are currently closed.