In case you were busy watching the Golden Globes and don’t want to watch it on Hulu, our own VthK has provided the following recap of hours 1 and 2.  

08:00:00 to 08:16:57

OK, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these things, so my memory may be a little fuzzy. Anyway, as we start on Day 7 of Die Hard II 2… um, I mean, 24… and the very first line is “Put that phone away.” Which is ironic because, IIRC, people spend more time talking on phones in ‘24′ than the night shift at Bangalore Customer Support, Inc.

So, anyway, there’s this guy who played a nerdy scientist on Stargate SG-1, and he’s driving his daughter to school when he gets caught in the middle of an Allstate product placement. Except instead of Dennis Haysbert telling him he’s in good hands, he gets captured by terrorists. The terrorist have this device that enables them to take over everything in the USA. But they recently upgraded to Vista and it’s no longer compatible. They need Stargate Scientist Guy to make it work.

Meanwhile, the main character… the blond guy with the anger management problem … gosh what is his name? I can’t remember but heplayed Ace Merrill in Stand By Me. Anyway, Ace Merrill is getting ragged on by Senator Red Foreman. We also learned CTU has been disbanded. It’s been a while, but I seem to recall CTU was some kind of rhythm and blues band. Anyway, Red Foreman, wants to know why Ace Merill tortured some guy, and Ace says that it was to save a busload of schoolchildren and kittens. “Think of the kittens!” Ace thunders at Red Foreman, then threatens to torture the smug look off his ass-face.

Then, Ace gets pulled out of the meeting by an FBI agent who, like Red Foreman, is a redhead but way more attractive. Ace promises to come back the next morning… i.e. 24 hours later. So, he really has a time limit this time. The redheaded agent is identified as Renee “Street” walker.  Streetwalker isn’t actually that hot, but next to Janeane Garofalo and President Cankles, she looks like Melissa Theriau.

Then I got confused because the scene switched to the FBI and at first I thought the ugly Stargate Scientist guy was talking to a sarcastic android. Then I realized it wasn’t the stargate scientist again, it was Janeane Garofalo. A bunch of other sub-plots were also introduced. President Cankles got her some jungle fever, and wants to invade Africa. Some bald guy who was either the VP or her husband is obsessing over the death of his son. Some douche of an FBI agent was strongly disapproving of Ace’s methods.

08:21:24 to 08:45:00

So, anyway, Streetwalker tells Ace Merrill that domestic terrorists have a device that will allow them to take over all infrastructure and wreak havoc on the government to teach them a lesson for dragging their feet on HDTV implementation. The leader of the terrorists is an old friend of Ace’s. Ace doesn’t believe it. “Tony’s dead. I saw it.” Streetwalker rolls her eyes. “You have to destroy the brain.”

Anyway, so Stargate Scientist Guy tells them to do a ctrl-alt-del and install new drivers, and now the device works fine. So, Zombie Tony is gonna go all Die Hard II on air traffic control, and the scene cuts away to a full 767 getting ready to take-off with some cute androgynous munchkin in the front row.

Meanwhile, President Cankles is watching reports of 200,000 people killed in Africa and regrets ever subscribing to The Genocide Channel. The Joint Chiefs are on-board with the invasion, but the Secretary of State… another bald dude… is wetting his pants submissively. That’s like three annoying bald dudes so far… Red Foreman, the SecState, and SubPlot Guy. Anyway, the FAA — showing far more competence than any other Federal Agency in history — has detected the intrusion into its system and wants to ground flights. But Cankles says not yet, she has to short sell her airline stocks first.

So, anyway, Ace is working with the sarcastic android to see if they can track down Zombie Tony. Then, Streetwalker gets attacked by a mutant rottweiler… no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo talking about some chick stuff I guess. I don’t know. Then, Agent Douchebag tells Streetwalker to keep Ace on a short leash. “OK, if he’s into that,” she replies.

Anyway, the Sarcastic Android has helped Ace find one of his and Zombie Tony’s old contacts, named Sphincter, who not only happens to deal in Technology That Let’s You Take Over The World, but has also relocated from LA LA to DC. As the Church Lady would say, “How CONVENIENT!”

8:49:51 to 08:59:59

So, Ace and Streetwalker go to Sphincter’s office. Sphincter refuses to cooperate until Ace grabs a ballpoint pen and threatens to write “I Am Sphincter Boy” on Sphincter’s forehead. But before he can spill his guts, Sphincter gets shot by a sniper in the abdomen and starts spilling his guts, although not in a useful way. And the hour ends with Ace and Streetwalker chasing after the sniper.

09:00:00 to 09:10:52

So, Streetwalker and Bruce Willis — I mean Ace Merrill — are trying to catch the sniper and they got him trapped in a building. Streetwalker calls for back-up. Ace figures there must be a mole at the FBI, and he begins teaching his young padawan how to use the Force… the Force of completely distrusting all of your co-workers. I mean, Emperor Palpatine did have a mole at the Jedi Temple. I wonder if this means we’ll get a scene of Sarcastic Android slaughtering the younglings. I am pretty sure his character fantasizes about that. 

Anyway, then there’s a scene in which a rotting, putrifying moose carcass … no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo … reports to Agent Douchebag that the terrorists are now fully inside the system and there’s nothing the FBI can do to stop them.

Anyway, Zombie Tony has put the plane with the cute youngling on board (and probably a cargo hold full of orphaned kittens) on a collision course with another plane. But at the last minute, he wusses out and deprives the audience of much-needed carnage.

09:16:32 to 09:28:38

So, anyway, Streetwalker makes Ace wait in the car while she and the other agents seal off the building the sniper is hiding in. She cracks the window for him and leaves him a squeaky toy. A Magic Negro appears and absolves Ace Merrill of his sins. Then, Ace asks about Agent Streetwalker. “Oh, yeah, baby, she understands what it takes to get the job done IYKWIMAITTYD.” And just in case Ace doesn’t, the Magic Negro mimes the sound of a porn movie bass guitar.

 So, Zombie Tony passes off the Plot Device and the ugly scientist to a guy who looks like what would happen if a transporter accident merged Pierce Brosnan and John Kerry into one squinty, French-looking being with Rod Blagojevich hair. He turns out to be working with the Genocidal dictator of that African country President Cankles is all hot to invade. I’m almost sure the transporter accident guy played a system lord on SG-1. (For that matter, I also think President Cankles played the president on Space: Above and Beyond … but looking that up would also mean admitting I watched Space: Above and Beyond.) OK, checked his website, no SG-1 reference, but he did play an immortal on Highlander. Anyway, President Cankles meets with the other African guy who is the opposition leader against the genocidal dictator, but for some reason talks like Father Guido Sarducci. Why couldn’t they just have hired Mr. Eko from Lost? 

So, anyway, another annoying bald guy (This makes Number 4) shows up and helps the sniper escape from the building the FBI has “sealed off.” There’s also this other FBI guy who has a buzzcut and is always advising the president of this or that, but I only mention him to bookmark him as a Mole candidate.

 09:31:22 to 09:42:40

 So, Ace gets out of the car to “get some air.” And just as he does, the Sniper in the borrowed FBI vest walks by. (”How CONVENIENT!”) Ace notices his shoes are not standard FBI issue, but instead appear to be Stride-Rite pumps. He alerts Streetwalker and convinces her to leave the building and discreetly follow the assassin, but not to tell the FBI because “they’ll just screw things up.”

The FBI lead, agent Douchebag, finds out they’ve left the scene, and asks the turd-creature from “Weird Science” — no, wait, that’s Janeane Garofalo again — to figure out a way to track Agent Streetwalker and Ace.

 And then, in that other subplot, Annoying Bald Guy Number 2 roughs up some fairly-hot chick who kind of looks like Gretchen from ‘Prison Break’ after six months of Slim Fast, and she just got $400,000 wired into an off-shore account, but still works in telemarketing. He was gonna go all Ike Turner on her, but his driver intervened. I’m sure they’ll be back, but the show’s already about two subplots past my attention span.

 09:48:38 to 09:59:59

 So, Ace and Streetwalker follow the Sniper to the docks (which Streetwalker has worked many a time). Streetwalker gives Ace a gun. They beat the crap out of the sniper then shoot out a surveillance camera. As they walk up to the boat they think Zombie Tony is in, the sniper gets shot (ironically) by the crew of Tony’s board (Isaac, Doc, and Gopher.) So, Ace and Streetwalker shoot-up the boat. Streetwalker finds a laptop, but it’s deleting all the files on its hard drive.

Gawdam Vista. 

And Ace is trying to find Zombie Tony, but ZT pulls the old “Hide behind the pilot house door” trick and hits Ace in the face. Then, they beat the crap out of each other for the remaining few minutes of the program until Agent Douchebag shows up in a helicopter.

Tick-Tock

Filed under: Season 7, TiVo Blogging

(9 votes, average: 4.89 out of 5)

 Loading ...