With the four-hour start of Season 6, we are going to celebrate Talk Like Jack Bauer Day on January 15th. Yes, we ripped off Talk Like a Pirate Day, sue us. (Please don’t actually sue us as we have no money.) We thought about having a Talk Like Edgar Day, but it just revolved around obscene amounts of Ho-Hos and crying. Talk Like Tony Day involved too many needles and participating in Talk Like Chloe Day would just end up pissing people off.
Here’s a little “how-to” guide to talking like Jack Bauer on January 15th from your pals at Blogs4Bauer. If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us.
Q: I don’t know how to “talk” like Jack Bauer.
You’re already well on your way, since that was not a question and Jack does not have time for questions. Additionally, if you find yourself not knowing how to talk like Jack Bauer, it’s acceptable to just act like Jack Bauer. That usually means lots of excessive force.
Q: I told my boss’ child that his father is dead in my best evil voice. What now?
A: Make sure you call his wife.
Q: What do I do if I get fired?
A: Remember, Jack Bauer has been fired many times, but he’s never stopped working. If necessary, assume a secret identity for the rest of the day (using alliteration is advised) until they need you again.
How to act on Talk Like Jack Bauer Day
-Make sure to yell very simple requests.
-Take a helicopter to work.
-Issue threats that involve family members and/or body parts.
-Always mention that you’re running out of time.
-Carry a manpurse. Wear aviators. Don’t do drugs.
-Start each conversation with “I’m federal agent (your name)
-Carry around zip ties and a pair of pliers (because you never know).
-Ask a coworker for either a hacksaw or lighter fluid.
-Keep a car battery and some jumper cables on your desk.
-Use your cell phone as much as possible. If the battery dies, just pretend it’s still working.
-End phone calls by stating “remember, I’m in a Flank 2 position“. Works well when you are on a conference call.
-Use at least 5 exclamation points in every email!!!!
-Ask “Who are you working for!?” to as many people as possible.
-Throw out a “Dammit” during the day, just for the hell of it.
-Drink each time you hear a co-worker say “Dammit”.
-Make a mistake at work? Blame Nina Myers.
-Request everything be sent to your PDA (works best if you don’t have one).
-Accuse co-workers and/or children of being moles.
-Make sure to let your co-workers catch you looking at Google Earth maps of their houses. When they ask why, tell them that you’ve tracked a terrorist cell to that location.
Co-worker: How was your weekend?
You: damnit Bob, we don’t have time for simple questions.
Co-worker: I just asked about your weekend.
You: Dammit. Who are you working for?
Co-worker: Never mind, forget I asked.
Co-worker: Hey man. Did you already get breakfast?
You: I’ve killed 3 people today and no I’ve yet to eat breakfast. Dammit!
Co-worker: Is that a threat?
You: That’s not a threat, that’s a fact.
Boss: Hey, where are the reports I asked for?
(pull out stapler, move towards boss)
You: I think the question you should be asking is how are you going to read the reports after I staple your eyelids to your desk!
(If a co-worker tries to talk to you while you’re using the urinal, finish up, flush, walk over to the sink, wash your hands, and remove a paper towel from the dispenser.)
You: You probably don’t think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I’d hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It’s very painful. (Reference)
Co-worker: Hey, can you cover for me? I need to run an errand.
You: Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you’re still conscious is that I don’t want to do your work for you.
Finally, remember that for the whole 24 hours of Talk Like Jack Bauer Day, you cannot go to the bathroom or charge a cell phone. Also, it should only take you a maximum of 3 minutes to get anywhere you are going.
If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us and we may incorporate them on a future TLJBD post.