Blogs.4Bauer

Where Have You Gone Kim Bauer? Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Note: No one wins these 24 caption contests.

Counterpoint: Anything Is Possible
by Mary Jo Kopechne

Of course “Uncle Ted” is assuming that Secretary Heller perished in that terrible auto accident. He assumed the same thing 37 years ago when he drove his Oldsmobile into Poucha Pond. I was knocked into the back seat, while Teddy swam to safety, failed to rescue me, then failed to report the incident to anyone until the following morning.

No autopsy was ever performed on my lifeless body, because (for some reason) it was quickly transported out of the state. I wonder who had the connections to order such a measure? Anyway, no one will ever know how long it took me to die.

For that reason, it is entirely possible that Secretary Heller is still alive. CTU personnel are aware of his accident, and unlike me, he may have a fighting chance at survival. If there’s any justice, he will live to see “Uncle Ted” get what he deserves.

Point: Don’t Hold Your Breath; Heller’s Dead
by Ted Kennedy

Scambaiting Jack Bauer Style – Part 2

What happens when Agent Jack Bauer gets involved in a Nigerian Email Scam? We set out to answer this and have a little fun at the expense of a scammer who is probably boasting to his buddies that he’s scamming some guy named “Jack Bauer” from America. Bad things happen to people who scam Jack Bauer, very bad things.

So far, Mr. Luis Rakotozafy, who’s father was killed in an “accident” en route to visit the President of Togo has sent us an email. In his time of need, Luis unknowingly contacted super-agent Jack Bauer at our Blogs4Bauer email address.

In return for some help from Bauer, Luis promised 20% of his family fortune. Jack Bauer accepted the mission and offered a little more, a chance for revenge for the death of his father. You can read the entire first part of this scambait by clicking here.

Since the last post, Luis has tried to calm Jack Bauer’s desire to kill terrorists and for revenge, while also trying to get us to contact him via phone and fax. RFTR and I decided to take a new route and bring in more members of the 24 crew.

So “Nina Myers” (aka – me) sent Mr. Rakotozafy an email warning him of Jack. In the email, Nina warns Luis that Jack is not to be trusted. To instill trust, we also attached the photo on the right of Jack and Nina together.

Nina also insists that she hasn’t seen the correspondence between him and Bauer, but predicts that Jack probably seems hell-bent on revenge more than getting Luis his money. Nina ends the email with a warning that Jack will probably go after Luis once the money runs out.

Next Step: Jack Bauer Responds.

Post your comments on how Jack Bauer should respond in the wake of Nina’s email. Luis is still asking for a phone/fax number. We don’t have much time. The clock is ticking…

Scambaiting Jack Bauer Style – Part 1

Guest Editorial-
by Toonces the Driving Cat

Dear “24″ Writers,

Let’s cut right to the chase since, ironically enough, I positively deplore little games of “me and mouse”.

You know damn well that I, Toonces the Cat, invented the “drive-a-car-over-the-edge-of-a-cliff-seemingly-to-your-death” maneuver years ago. Hell, I turned that one move into a full-fledged career. So you surely realize that the Secretary Heller car/cliff incident from Monday night has trademark infringement written all over it.

That must be why you called and offered me a guest-starring spot on an upcoming episode. Sort of a “shut-your-mouse-hole” role. Did you really think I’d agree to be a Red Shirt? Did you think I’d be so excited to get back into the public eye that I’d ignore the fact that these guys receive their training from the Liberace Counter-Terrorism Institute? Thanks, but no, gentlemen. Toonces may be a cat, but he’s no dummy.

But I digress. You better pray for your sake that Heller is dead and stays dead. Because brothers, if he is trawled out of the drink with anything less than two lung-fulls of water and a full-on Ted Kennedy bloat, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer. And to paraphrase my pal Tony Montana, “he’s such a good lawyer that by tomorrow you’ll be writing from Alaska. So dress warm. “

Point: Don’t Hold Your Breath; Heller’s Dead
by Ted Kennedy

It sucks not being Jack Bauer on the show 24. First Palmer, then Michelle and Tony, then Edgar, and now SecDef Heller. It seems like Jack Bauer may be the only one to survive this day. I know some readers of this website would like to think that Heller could have survived the fall and splashdown. I speak from experience – don’t hold your breath; Heller’s dead.

I know the irony is just killing all you right-wing wackjobs, Ted Kennedy pointing out the occupant of a car driven into the water is dead. Laugh all you want, it won’t bring Heller back to life.

SecDef Heller was thinking ahead by driving with his window open. With the window open, once the car hit the water, it would have quickly filled up with water and equalized the water pressure. He could have then opened the door and swam out. However, it looks like he had a 40 foot fall before he hit the water. Odds are, the impact knocked him out and the water just rushed in and drowned him. Don’t forget the black helicopter! Even if Heller escaped, the bad guys with machine guns would have raked him with enough lead to sink him to the bottom.

I’d like to sit here and chat with you Bauer-freaks, but I have a real job to do. Are you aware that we also have a right-wing president who needs to be stopped from going after oil in “Central Asia”? What good would it do anyway, I hear some of you still think Tony’s still alive? Come on Ladies, Tony and Heller are dead as last Tuesday. Teddy out.

Counterpoint: Anything Is Possible
by Mary Jo Kopechne

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- Jack Bauer Puts the “Special” in Special Agentby Agent David Breckinridge
Counterpoint- Breckinridge, You Couldn’t Hold Jack Bauer’s Jock.by Chloe O’Brian

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) – by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. – by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! – by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint – Audrey, stand by your man! – by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point – Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic – by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint – Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning – by Vladimir Bierko

Point – I’m going to make it!
Counterpoint – Nah, you’re not. – by Death

Point – CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint – My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint – Violence Makes The World Go ‘Round

Point – Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint – A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point – It’s Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint – Confucius Say, “Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little”

Point – Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint – Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point – They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer’s cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint – The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

HOW LONG CAN SECRETARY HELLER HOLD HIS BREATH?

He’s been underwater for about 30 minutes now. And according to Henderson, he doesn’t have much time left – maybe only minutes.

What’s that you say? THE FALL WOULD PROBABLY KILL HIM? Well, not if he used his airbag as a flotation device/landing pad.

I bring all this up only because the speculation is running rampant that Heller:

1. Jumped clear before the car went over the cliff.

2. Is being kept alive by navy divers who are giving him air underwater.

3. Is really dead but hoping that Jack will give him mouth to mouth to revive him.

Some people really need to get a fricking life!…

Like this guy who keeps writing the longest, dumbest, most ridiculous summaries I’ve ever seen. The only reason I link to them is because he slips me a twenty every time I do.

Jack Bauer On The Muther F-cking Plane
Samuel L. Jackson thought he had problems when he found Snakes on his Plane. Chew on this nugget: There have been 6 planes on the show 24. 4 exploded! If you find yourself on an airplane with Jack Bauer, it would be a good idea to use that Air-phone and jack up your life insurance – bad things are about to happen.

Let’s recall the fate of airplanes on 24:
Season 1: Terrorists blow up a 747, starting the first of Jack Bauer’s worst days of his life.
Season 2: Jack Bauer and Nina Myers on a plane. Plane explodes and goes down in flames. “At the crash site in the Angeles National Forest, the still-alive Jack rolls out of the fuselage. A tree branch is lodged in his thigh. He yanks it out” (from Fox’s recap)
Season 2: Jack Bauer and George Mason got on a airplane. That flight ended up with a nuclear blast, spreading the airplane and George Mason across the Mojave Desert.
Season 3: Jack Bauer and Nina on another plane, Jack pulls a gun on the pilot of the Navy Plane to keep the plane from returning to Mexico. (hat tip – junger)
Season 4: Even Air Force One was not safe as it was shot down by a stolen stealth fighter.
Season 5: Jack Bauer’s manpurse was too large for a carryon, so he checks himself in as baggage.

Last night, 4 people were added to the Jack Bauer Kill Counter – despite Tyler D’s live blogging. The black helicopter also stuck around for another week and forced SecDef Heller to use everything he learned from the Ted Kennedy Defensive Driving Course he took a few years back.

24 Live blog 1-2 A.M.

Hello again. This is Tyler and tonight I am hoping NOT to continue with my… how do I say, GETTING STUCK WITH BORING EPISODES OF 24!!! But I’m not angry. Not at all. Just tired.. Tired of the 4 episodes that have branded my blogging as uber-boring. Well that is going to change.

So *Happy Face!*

On the off chance that is still the same, one lucky person is going to be dealt the full brunt of my rage. ;/

So get ready for 24 1:00 A.M. to 2:00 A.M.

7:50 – Everyone here knows I have two essays due in 20 hours and 10 minutes right?

7:55 – I still like Prison Break but, not as much as 24.

And it starts.

1:00 (Bauer Time) – Who is going to die this hour?

1:02 – Bleeding stopped? NOOOO!

1:03 – How many times have the “good guys” been arrested today?

1:06 – “Is Bauer dead?” Bauer is like Chuck Norris, only better.

1:07 – Bauer has “night vision” built in??? Almost like the T-1000 vs. Robocop and Robocop lost.

1:09 – Why can’t penis-nose Audrey listen?

1:12 – WOW! That was…. pointless. Why didn’t he hit the brakes or turn around or I don’t know. Anything other than driving off the closest cliff?! Letting them shoot you would have been a better plan than that!

1:18 – You don’t realize a lot Mr. President!

1:20 – Like a lamb to the slaughter. Sheesh Ms. Logan.

1:22 – 25 miles is maybe 3 minutes. Nope Jack left early. That is usually bad.

1:27 – That ass just made all that stuff up. Computer gibberish.

1:29 – “Martha, I’m seeing another man…NO! I mean I’m seeing another woman!” HA! Just kidding! I only killed the former President.

1:33 – Did you see that? He tried a sad puppy look. However he definitely pulled off the irritated squirrel protecting his nuts look.

1:40 – $20 Audrey shoots him.

1:42 – and she won’t do it.

1:42 – Cola is on the case.

1:45 – Jack makes sure he gets his man purse.

1:54 – YAY! Another good guy.

1:55 – The French flags on that Town Can should say something as to whom is on that plane.

1:56 – And the Uni-Bomber runs across the runway.

All is spared from my wrath. Even though only one person died.

Well that is all you will hear from me.

Updatwe: I guess I really didn’t watch this epsode.

There were:
2 – Bad Guy – CTU
3 – Bad Guy – Curtis
4 – Bad Guy – CTU

I read an article in the NY Post last week that laid out why American Idol is so popular. It appears that Americans like the ability to vote for a performer they like.

That got me thinking about how to make 24 more awesome, if that was possible. Then it came to me…voting

After each episode you can call a number to cast a vote for the next person Jack Bauer should kill. Don’t like Logan? Get a group of friends and call over and over again until that glorious week comes when Jack takes Logan out. But, if you call and vote for Jack Bauer to be kicked…your phone melts.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge -
1) Who would you vote off this week?
2) Guess tonight’s Body Count

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter is hotter than a Times Square Rolex. Will Heller get added this week? Has Logan’s time run out? Will Kim Bauer come back in another hostage situation (remember Henderson hooked her up with the shrink)? Check in to Blogs4Bauer from the hours of 9pm to 10pm to see if your “24 Idol” was indeed voted off of 24.
Check back later for VtheK’s exclusive TIVO blogging.

Other
Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter, click here to vote in the 24: Final Four.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge Results
Episodes 1,2 – 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess – 4)
Episodes 3,4 – 14 Bodies
RFTR – 14
Episode 5 – 2 Bodies
AL – 2
Episode 6 – 1 Body
AL – 1
Episode 7 – 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob – 5
Episode 8 – 14 Bodies
Deathlok – 13
Episode 9 – 7 Bodies
RFTR – 7
Episode 10 – 8 Bodies
The Man – 8
Episodes 11, 12 – 59 Bodies
Justin – 27
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin – 3
Episode 14 - 0 Bodies
Citizen Grim – 3
Episode 15 – 12 Bodies
Al – 11
Episode 16 – 7 Bodies
Shawn – 7
Oxen – 7
Episode 17 – 10 Bodies
Al – 9
Oxen – 9
Dan – 11
Denis E. Ambrose, Jr – 11
Episode 18 – 6 Bodies
The Man – 6
efitz – 6

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN CHARLES LOGAN AND BILL CLINTON?

In today’s National Review Online, Bill Hawkins has an interesting take on the similarities between the fictional Charles Logan and the not-fictional but still nightmarish Bill Clinton:

In 24 Logan’s plot was too clever by half. He arranges for the Chechens to obtain a large supply of nerve gas from an American lab and arranges for them to ship it back to their homeland. The Chechens are not fools, however, and suspect a trap. They uncover the U.S. agent who has infiltrated their ranks. They also disarm the triggering device that the White House was going to use to detonate the gas once it had arrived in the overseas terrorist lair. The objective was to wipe out the terrorist cell, but also use the group’s possession of WMD as a pretext for intervention in Central Asia. For revenge, the Chechens try to use the gas to kill thousands of Americans.

In State of War, Risen reveals that Clinton also had an overly ambitious plot, which eventually backfired, involving assisting an enemy with WMDs. Operation Merlin had the CIA using a Russian atomic scientist, who had defected to the United States, to sell or give nuclear bomb blueprints to Iranian diplomats at the International Atomic Energy Agency in Vienna. The catch was that the plans for the TBA 480 “firing set” contained design errors that would send Iran’s scientists down the wrong path and delay their development of weapons. The TBA 480 is a Russian device for creating the implosion that sets off the nuclear chain-reaction in a bomb. The Russian scientist, whose defection does not now seem as genuine as was supposed, spotted the flaws and offered to help Iran fix the problems. But even if he had not tipped off the Iranians, other Russian and Chinese experts are known to be helping Tehran, so the design flaws would likely have been spotted at some point.

Actually, I think the similarites go far beyond that posited by the author of this piece.

Both Logan and Clinton are married to ballsy women with Bill having the misfortune of having to live with a true harridan. Meanwhile, Logan gets to play hide the salami with a woman who has firmer boobs than Chelsea.

Also, both Logan and Clinton have that same unctious, oily personna that grates like a fingernail being drawn across a blackboard. Every time Bill bites his lower lip, I want to urge him to keep going and devour the rest of his face, so sick and tired I’ve gotten having to look at it for the last decade.

But hey! Don’t call me a Clinton hater….

Separated At Birth?
Name: Chloe O’Brian
Hobbies: Hacking, Frowning
Fave reads: Frown Digest

Name: Squidward Tentacles
Hobbies: Dancing, Frowning
Fave Reads: Frown Digest

Chop Chop Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Carnival of Bauer!!! VIII
The 8th edition of The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted at Justin’s Random Thoughts. This week’s carnival has been dubbed The Carnival of Jenny since she’s a junkie, it’s 4/20, and Tony has already had a carnival.

Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.

Upcoming Hosts
Below the Beltway (4/27)
Right Wing Nation (5/4)
The Llama Butchers (5/11)
The Templar Times

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony – Week 3
The Carnival of Life – Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar – Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! – Week 6
The Carnival of Logan – Week 7
Make sure to get your entries into next week’s Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday!

Blogs4Bauer — Not Just for Infotainment Anymore!
We at Blogs4Bauer are pleased to announce that we have expanded our public service role, and (un)officially designated ourselves as a not-for-profit enterprise.

You may have noticed a while back that we picked up some sponsorship, in the form of advertising for Catscape Tees. We have encouraged you to visit and patronize this fine establishment, particularly because of their support of the Carnival of Bauer, and because of their hot t-shirt model, whom you can see to the right.

We are proud to announce the details of the partnership we’ve formed with the proprieter of this fine establishement. Each month that the ad remains on Blogs4Bauer, Greg Wolkins will be making a $55 donation in Jack Bauer’s name to Any Soldier, Inc.. For those of you who don’t know what they do, here’s a description:

Sergeant Brian Horn from LaPlata, Maryland, an Army Infantry Soldier with the 173rd Airborne Brigade was in the Kirkuk area of Iraq when he started the idea of Any Soldier to help care for his soldiers. He agreed to distribute packages, that came to him with “Attn: Any Soldier” in the address, to the soldiers who were not getting mail.
Brian just completed a tour in Afghanistan and is stationed in Italy, but Any Soldier Inc. continues with your support.

Any Soldier Inc. started in August 2003 as a simple family effort to help the soldiers in one Army unit, thus our name. However, due to overwhelming requests, on 1 January 2004 the Any Soldiertm effort was expanded to include any member, of any of the Armed Services, in harms way.

They are a fine organization, and we are proud to support them, with the help of Greg and Catscape Tees. (You can view the receipt of Greg’s donation by clicking on the image at the left.)

So why are we telling you about this? Well, clearly to brag about how awesome we are. But more than that, we’re inviting you to advertise with us. Greg can probably testify to the fact that he’s gotten a lot of traffic from us—but more than that, we can guarantee that we have reasonable rates, and that every dollar you pay will go directly to the charity of your choice (subject to our approval—the ACLU does not count, for example).

What better way to reign in the White House Press Corps than to install Jack Bauer as Press Secretary? Let’s see if David Gregory has the guts to ask Jack Bauer about “sloppy seconds“.

Top 10 Changes Jack Bauer Would Bring to the White House Press Corps
10. Positive stories about Bush increase 145% in his first hour alone.
9. Five moles weeded out of press corps by Bauer.
8. Ask a stupid question; get hooked up to the sensory deprivation device.
7. Podium replaced with bullet-proof barrier with gun ports.
6. All press conferences last an hour, with all tough questions coming at 45 minutes past the hour.
5. By the end of a press conference, a minimum of 34 people would have been killed.
4. “No comment” replaced by “We don’t have time for that question”.
3. Gary Bauer mistakenly showed up to a press conference, once.
2. All comments will be yelled.
1. Blogs4Bauer starts to live-blogs press conferences.

Do you have more ideas on what Bauer could bring to the White House Press Corps? Post them in the comments below.

(More at some other site)