Jack Bauer, Equal-opportunity Ass-kicker After th…

Jack Bauer, Equal-opportunity Ass-kicker

After the first four hours of Season 5, I noticed something was missing. No, it was not the All-state commercials with President Palmer or Jack Bauer’s hairline. We now have Hobbits in the Bill Buchanan’s office and Jack Bauer’s cell phone has almost as many kills as Jack, but what was missing was a disclaimer to start off the festivities of Season 5.

If you recall last season, CAIR (Council on American-Islamic Relations) forced Fox to run a disclaimer prior to 24, stating that it’s just a TV show and muslims are our friends – even Berhooz. I called Fox out on this, going so far as to call Jack Bauer a sissy. I noted that if it were not for the fanatical muslims plotting terror in America, there would be nothing realistic about 24.

So we have a new season of bad guys for Jack to take out, with the help of Sam Gangee and Robocop. This time we have some sort of Russian breakaway republic sending us bad guys with bad accents and even worse hair. Where’s the PSA stating that people with bad hair and Russian accents who come from rogue Russian republics are not all bad people? I need to know so I don’t get in a cab and start giving my driver a wet-willie while calling him a terrorist who killed our first black president/spokesman for All-state, President Palmer.

I expect to see the following run prior to the next episode of 24:

“Hi. My name is Kiefer Sutherland. And I play counter-terrorist agent Jack Bauer on Fox’s 24. I would like to take a moment to talk to you about something that I think is very important. Now while terrorism is obviously one of the most critical challenges facing our nation and the world, it is important to recognize that the Russians from Rogue Breakaway Republics-American community stands firmly beside their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism. So in watching 24, please, bear that in mind.”

To show my dedication to this, I have emailed Fox with this request (below). If you don’t believe me, check the blogs4bauer sent email folder. Yes – I worked Kim Bauer into this post.

  • zwicker

    I was just saying to my wife last night that I would be very surprised if they show any Muslim terrorists this year. If they do, it will be one who is a freelancing mercenary with no idiological axe to grind or someone with a personal vendetta.

  • The Man

    If these guys come from Checneya, they will be muslims.

    Also, Behrooz is still out there, so anything is possible.

  • Citizen Grim

    Didnt they say the guy was from Grozny? (the capital of Chechnya) Or was I imagining things.

  • Little Miss Chatterbox

    It’s all about politically correct crap and covering your butt!!!!!! What do we expect? At least Joel Surnow is giving us some anti-pc stuff :-).

  • rightwingprof

    That was the second PC crap message. The season before last, Kiefer did that “if you have a gun, go to the Brady website and learn how to dispose of it” gun control thing, remember?

    And why do they have to have these Democrat presidents? Oh. I guess if they had a Republican in the White House, nobody would be taking hostages at the airport …

  • RFTR

    It’s always good to include Kim. After all, we are now the third highest Google hit if you search for “‘Kim Bauer’ blog,” which is pretty cool.

  • The Man

    Update: WE are now #2 under “Kim Bauer’ blog”

  • Peakah

    Check out wuzzadem’s
    Mayberry 24

  • Anonymous

    You made only one mistake in your e-mail to Fox: along with giving “Kim” a bigger speaking part this season, you should also have requested more intelligent storylines for her as well. Please, no more cougars. (Unless you want to dispose of whiny Audrey, that is; I’d actually like to see her caught in an animal trap, trying to fend off a cougar with a stick…)

    And while you were at it, you should also have requested an Emmy nomination for Elisha Cuthbert, retroactive to Season One or Season Two. Why? Because poor Elisha deserved it, simply for being able to play the role of Kim with a straight face. (It’s the least the studio could do for Elisha, since all those taking-candy-from-strangers plotlines they inflicted on her during the course of the show have probably killed her career. Or permanently typecast her as a dumb blonde damsel in distress.)

    And – seriously – can’t we find Jack a wife, mistress or girlfriend who isn’t a total flake? The thankfully-deceased Teri was a frigid dingbat (which would probably explain much of Kim’s screwy behavior, come to think of it); Kate (Season Two) and Audrey (Season Four to present) were and are whiny, helpless things good for little more than decoration; and the washed-out farmwife Jack took up with at the start of this season doesn’t seem to be an improvement. Nina was so much better for Jack, even if she turned out to be a traitor; she at least had brains and guts.

    –LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

  • RFTR

    But, LC Wes, look at how his relationship with Nina turned out. That would be enough to convince me to swear off strong women forever…

  • Anonymous

    So true, Nina was the best match for Jack. She likes life in the field, shooting people, tricky request (to have a future murder condoned … that was great).
    Couldn’t she have an evil twin, as in most soaps? In her case, a more evil twin.


  • Anonymous

    Whoa. Could James Woods be joining the cast of “24?” That’s what Lorie over at Polipundit is wondering:


    –LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

  • Tyler D.

    Do we really need to hear Elisha talk? All she needs to do is stand there and look pretty.

    or jump in place.

  • The Man

    Tyler – I was going to ask for nudie shots of Kim Bauer, but I wanted them to take me seriously.

  • Little Miss Chatterbox

    Okay, I hated Nina even she was smart so I didn’t like her for Jack. They have yet to cast a woman worthy for him and I’m getting a little frustrated. I actually liked the hispanic chic from season 3 but she had a short part.

    #1–I don’t like these women just appearing on the scene. I want to see an actual relationship develop.

    #2–I want a tough chic that is worthy of Jack that will go in there and help kick butt like Michelle did with Tony.

    I already don’t like the girlfriend for this season. Ugh…….

  • Anonymous

    “Nudie shots of Kim?” You’re probably out of luck. I seem to recall reading somewhere that Elisha Cuthbert refuses to do nude scenes. As I recall, it was an article about that teen comedy she did a couple of years ago (The Girl Next Door), in which the writer claimed Elisha requested (and received) a body double and clever camera angles to preserve her modesty while filming the racier scenes in the film.

    Sorry, I don’t have a link to the original article, which appeared in the Kansas City Star a couple of years ago. On the other hand, one of the reviewers over at Pajiba.com mentioned the same thing about her last year in Pajiba’s review of House of Wax. It seems that he would have preferred Elisha to do that striptease instead of Paris Hilton, and was sorely disappointed…

  • Anonymous

    By far the best 24 blog. Does anyone know what type of mobile phone they are using this season? I know it is Sprint, but what model?

  • The Man

    By far the best 24 blog. Does anyone know what type of mobile phone they are using this season?

    Flattery will get you answers.

    Jack is using a Treo 650. Check out the live bogging post here for more Treo Talk.

  • Anonymous

    What a great site film editing schools