Editor’s Note: Most of this post is a rehashing of previous TLJBD posts. Why reinvent the wheel?
What a glorious day this is. The first Talk Like Jack Bauer Day since 2010, the final season of 24. It’s back this May with 12 episodes spanning 24 hours, and though we’ve traditionally held TLJBD on the Monday before the season premiere, but we can’t wait for May.
Important to remember: For the whole 24 hours of Talk Like Jack Bauer Day, you cannot go to the bathroom or charge a cell phone. Also, it should only take you a maximum of 3 minutes to get anywhere you are going.
So. The basics:
Q: I don’t know how to “talk” like Jack Bauer.
You’re already well on your way, since that was not a question and Jack does not have time for questions. Additionally, if you find yourself not knowing how to talk like Jack Bauer, it’s acceptable to just act like Jack Bauer. That usually means lots of excessive force.
Q: What if someone gets upset with my Jack Bauer impersonation?
A: Act more upset or use excessive force.
Q: I told my boss’ child that his father is dead in my best evil voice. What now?
A: Make sure you call his wife.
Q: What do I do if I get fired?
A: Remember, Jack Bauer has been fired many times, but he’s never stopped working. If necessary, assume a secret identity for the rest of the day (using alliteration is advised) until they need you again.
How to act on Talk Like Jack Bauer Day
-Make sure to yell very simple requests.
-Issue threats that involve family members and/or body parts.
-Always mention that you’re running out of time.
-Carry a manpurse. Wear aviators. Don’t do drugs.
-Start each conversation with “I’m federal agent (your name), and today is the longest day of my life”.
-Carry around zip ties and a pair of pliers (because you never know).
-Ask a coworker for either a hacksaw or lighter fluid.
-Keep a car battery and some jumper cables on your desk.
-Use your cell phone as much as possible. If the battery dies, just pretend it’s still working.
-End phone calls by stating “remember, I’m in a Flank 2 position.” Works well when you are on a conference call.
-Use at least 5 exclamation points in every email!!!!
-Ask “Who are you working for!?” to as many people as possible.
-Throw out a “Dammit” during the day, just for the hell of it.
-Drink each time you hear a co-worker say “Dammit”.
-Make a mistake at work? Blame Nina Myers.
-Request everything be sent to your PDA (works best if you don’t have one).
-Accuse co-workers and/or children of being moles.
-Make sure to let your co-workers catch you looking at Google Earth maps of their houses. When they ask why, tell them that you’ve tracked a terrorist cell to that location.
Here are some examples of TLJBD throughout history:
Talk Like Jack Bauer Day – 1776
While we all know that Gen. Washington crossed the Deleware and surprised the Hessians at Trenton, little has been told about the conversations in the boat crossing that frozen river. Historians have also failed to explain why Washington carried a set of towels, a ball-peen hammer and a set of nipple clips.
Talk Like Jack Bauer Day – 1865
Lee was hesitant to end “the war” until Grant channeled his inner Jack Bauer — the rest is history. Lee took a demotion to Colonel and went on to open a chain of fried chicken restaurants. Grant appeared in a Just For Men commercial before modeling for the front of the $50 bill.
Talk Like Jack Bauer Day – 1876
Without Alexander Graham Bell we would not have a telephone. Without telephones we wouldn’t have cell phones. Without cell phones Jack Bauer is at an extreme disadvantage. Not powerless, because, well, guns.
Please enjoy TLJBD and let us know how you’re celebrating!